


all that's left is hurt

by reylotrash (freedomatsea)



Series: Star Wars Universe Pieces [7]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Blow Jobs, Cowgirl Position, Edited rating up for smut, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Sex, F/M, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, Masturbation, Post TFA, Wall Sex, and rey to pick up the pieces, basically i felt the urge to torture kylo, cunninglus, florence lyrics for a title cause that song is rude, i suck at tags oh well, mentions of abuse, not just smut FYI there's massive plot and character growth
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-06
Updated: 2016-02-29
Packaged: 2018-05-12 03:28:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 90,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5650900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freedomatsea/pseuds/reylotrash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was supposed to be an easy in, easy out mission. But she wasn't expecting to find Kylo Ren like that. The last thing she'd expected was to find sympathy for her enemy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Oh, the king_  
_Gone mad within his suffering_  
_Called out for relief_  
_Someone cure him of his grief_

 _-_ "Queen of Peace" Florence + The Machine

* * *

 

When the Resistance assigned her with the task of neutralizing Kylo Ren, Rey had expected that she would return to base with his body. She had even gone so far as to imagine what words she would say to General Organa, who would struggle with understanding how to grieve over the shell of a son who had died years ago. Instead she was faced with a far more daunting task.

They had been tipped off that the First Order was rebuilding on Mustafar. They were occupying a portion of buildings whose ruins had once been the governmental offices of Fralideja before its fall. General Organa had supplied her with the blueprints and sent her off into the unknown.

Upon sneaking into the surprisingly lightly guarded ruins, she discovered that General Hux was leading the crusade to rebuild the empire from the ruins it had been left in when the Star Destroyer had been destroyed. She had expected to find Kylo manning the helm for the project.

Rey had been so _certain_ that Kylo was in the former court house. She had sought him out through the Force and found him among numerous signatures in the building. If she returned empty handed or at least without solid knowledge about his whereabouts, she doubted that she would be trusted with such a solo mission again. It was risky and they _all_ knew it, but General Organa had been insistent that _Rey_ was the only one to go on this mission.

She closed her eyes for a long moment, steadying her breathing as she reached out into the Force again, reaching for imprint that he had left in the universe, one that would linger long after he was gone. An imprint that’s particles would give life to new stars that would litter the sky.

He was already dying.

Rey’s eyes snapped open as the realization struck her. Her chest seized up and she struggled to overcome the heavy weight that clamped down on her. Somewhere in the court house Kylo Ren – Ben Solo – laid dying. That was why Hux was in the sole position of power, why Kylo’s signature seemed like a pale version of the vibrant energy that had scorched her soul when she’d found it during her would-be interrogation.

She threw caution to the wind as she made her way through the court house, following the glimmering star dust trail that bled from his Force signature. She left in her wake an array of unconscious, minorly injured, and dumbstruck Stormtrooopers who had crossed her path.

It had been over a month since their fight, when the ground split between them, and she knew they’d both left each other with wounds. Hers had been _nowhere_ near as bad as the wounds he’d inflicted on Finn or even the ones she’d inflicted on Kylo. In a month’s time her own had healed into faint scars that no longer twinged when she pulled them. Finn had recovered for the most part, though his wounds had cut deeply into muscle and required more precise efforts from the sickbay. With the right amount of care, Rey had learned, any wound could heal.

But Kylo’s body showed signs that his injuries, some rather severe, had been regarded as nothing and on top of those he’d been beaten and abused by the stars only knew who.

Rey hadn’t been prepared for this. She had seen her fair share of death in her life. Jakku had been no easy planet to raise herself on. She had inflicted deadly blows to protect herself and she’d come across the mangled corpses of men who hadn’t been strong enough to survive. They had all been easy _not_ to care about. They were enemies or strangers. Kylo was both. And yet, she found her heart aching for him. His own people, the ones he had forsaken his family for, killed his father to prove himself for, had left him to rot and die _alone_. A dark part of her, the primal part that she remembered all too well in moments of survival, said that he _deserved_ to rot in this room and die alone. But her heart said otherwise.

“Kylo.” She whispered urgently, prying one of his eyelids open to see if he could even _focus_ or if he was already too far gone. “ _Kylo_ wake up.” Rey shook him a little, not wanting to cause him more pain if these were his final moments. “ _Ben_.”

He groaned weakly in response to his real name. The sound startled them both because he went rigid in her arms when his pried open eye focused on her. He flinched, sinking into himself, as though he expected a fatal blow.

“Please.” Kylo whispered. The single word seemed to take so much effort. His tongue darted out over his lips and it stuck to his lips which were caked with dried blood, drawing fresh blood in its wake as the scabs broke free.

Rey blinked rapidly, overtaken by the immense waves of pain that washed over her, passing from him to her through the Force. “I’m so sorry that someone did this to you.” She lifted a gentle hand to cup his cheek, “Not even you deserve this.”

“I had failed them.” His voice was barely anything. They were water parched sounds that fell weakly from his lips. Kylo grimaced, going eerily still beneath her touch.

“No. No. No.” Rey urged, tapping his cheek lightly, not wanting to hurt him. She pulled his head onto her lap, wanting to make him comfortable. Her fingers sought out his pulse point, relieved to feel one there, though it was weak. “Stay with me. I’m going to take you home Ben.” She wanted to make this easy, if this was the end for him. “Your mother wants you home.”

“My father was here.”

“Of course he was.” Rey swallowed thickly, pushing back the emotions that were welling up in her throat. She gently brushed away a dark lock of hair that had landed on his forehead.

Kylo clenched his eyes shut. “It hurts. It hurts so much.”

“ _Shhh_.” Rey soothed him, brushing her fingers over his temples, trying to calm him down. She could hear his heart pounding, not with life, but with stress. He radiated with the pain he was racked with. “It’ll all be over soon Ben.”

“I’m afraid.” He admitted quietly, his voice wavering like a child afraid of the monsters that might dwell beneath his bed. “ _Rey_.”

“You know my name.” She smiled a little at that. “I had wondered if you even knew it.”

“They had said it.” Kylo closed his eyes for a long few seconds as he gathered a ragged breath. “I don’t want to die.”

“I don’t think you’re strong enough to get back to my ship.” Rey offered with a shake of her head. “We can’t be stealthy with you like this.”

“Heal me.”

Rey flustered at his request. “I don’t know how.” Was that even permitted? Were Jedis allowed to heal without consequence? How could healing another person, to save them from death, be _bad_? “I can try.”

She closed her eyes and focused, wrapping her mind around his body, mental tendrils curling around broken, shattered bones – willing them to fuse together. A warmth seemed to wash through her and into him, a radiating sensation that felt better than anything she had ever done with the force. Which probably meant it was wrong. Things that felt good were rarely the right option.

“I can’t do anymore.” Rey told him as she broke free from the hold that the Force had on her, blinking as she opened her eyes, the lights in the room seeming a little brighter as her eyes adjusted to them.

“It’s enough.” Kylo shifted his body, though it was quite obvious he was still in excruciating pain. “Bones are good. Muscles, tendons, flesh… they can wait.” He sat upright sharply, clutching his stomach as though he might throw up and while he went through the motions, nothing but bile came up.

“You’re dehydrated.” Rey said. “I’ve seen it a hundred times over back in Jakku.” She pushed herself back onto her feet, extending her hands to him to help him stand. She reached for the pouch at her hip, pulling a canteen of water from it. “Here.”

“Thank you.” He said with _real_ gratitude. The smile on his lips reached his tired eyes and it was truly a sight to see. He unscrewed the top, tilting his head back as he consumed every last drop of water in nearly a single gulp. She had come to Mustafar intent on killing him and instead she had saved him. 

“One wrong move, one _hint_ that you allowed this to happen to betray me, and you’ll wish I killed you here.” Rey warned him as she looped her arm around him to keep him steady as they moved towards the doorway.

“Might still die yet.”

“Not on my watch. Not unless I’m the one killing you.”

Kylo gave a weak chuckle at that as he looked up and down the corridor. “We want to use the North exit.”

“I came in through South… Exiting through the North will _add_ to our journey to my ship.”

“You think you came to Mustafar without being detected?”

“Dammit.” Rey hissed out as she walked them a little faster through the corridor, lifting her hand to choke, knock out, or toss every Stormtrooper that crossed them. Kylo was surprisingly light for a man of his height, but he was skin and bones and muscle, much like herself. Rey tried to ignore the nagging sense of fear when they managed to escape unharmed and _hoped_ it was because Hux was predisposed and not because Kylo was planted as the victim for her newfound rescue mission.

But the Force didn’t lie. She would have known. She would have sensed that something was amiss with Kylo.

“Wait here.” Rey said firmly as she left him leaning against the side of the building. She could hear Captain Phasma around the corner, giving orders to the Stormtroopers who had regained consciousness. She pressed her back against the wall, tilting her head just enough to look around the corner. There were _too_ many Stormtroopers for her take them all on with Kylo in toe.

Her fingers itched to reach for her lightsaber, to run head-first into the fight, but she was certain they’d call for reinforcements, and she’d end up being overtaken. She inhaled shakily as she tried to form a plan, one that didn’t end with one of them getting killed.

Captain Phasma’s radio crackled as General Hux’s voice boomed on the other side. “Kylo has escaped. That _girl_ is here. Find them!”

Rey waited, ready and prepared for the Stormtroopers to round the corner as Phasma gave them their orders. Her fingers curled around her lightsaber, ready to jump into action. But they never came.

 _Rey_.

Her eyes widened at the voice that suddenly filled her mind. She retreated to where she had left Kylo, her heart pounding as she found him slumped over on the ground. “What did you do?”

“I used the Force to knock them out for you.” He said weakly, blinking slowly as he looked up at her. “You couldn’t have defeated them.”

“I could have.” She crouched in front of him, reaching out to touch his cheek gently. “You were weak to begin with, using that much Force is going to kill you.”

Kylo flashed her a charming smirk, which seemed to exhaust him because it was a fleeting expression. It was in that moment that she could see the similarities between _Ben_ and his father. His eyes were bright and full of life that she hadn’t seen in them before. “I know what Phasma is armed with. You’d be fending off Stormtroopers while she’s blasting you with her laser hand-canon.”

“Thank you.” She tilted her head to the side and smiled at him. Rey stood up quickly, finding herself staring into his eyes too intently, compassion flowing from her too easily. “We should go.” She held her hands out to help him up once more, supporting as much of his weight as she could as they made their way outside of the governmental district to where she’d stowed her ship.

“The Millennium Falcon?” Kylo stared at the ship in _awe_ as they approached it. “My mother let you bring that piece of junk to Mustafar? Did you piss her off, by any chance?”

Rey laughed with a shake of her head as she typed in the code to release the ramp. “I have tinkered on her for the past month, she’s up to flight standards now. I replaced the engine, updated the wiring, and corrected some of the issues the transponders were exhibiting.”

This time he stared at _her_ in awe. “I’m impressed.” He leaned heavily against the wall of cockpit as he watched her moving around to get them ready for take-off. “You know your way around a ship.”

“I modified a lot of pieces of junk over the years. Mostly for fun, sometimes it got me extra food pods. Which was better than the alternative way.” Rey shuddered as she sank into the pilot seat, pulling up a screen to type in the coordinates of the Resistance headquarters.

“I’m glad she’s in good hands.” Kylo said quietly as he moved to sit in the seat beside her. He looked around the cockpit as though he were uncertain if he was _allowed_ into the space. Rey couldn’t help but wonder _what_ he was thinking. They were enemies for all intents and purposes and she’d rescued him against all the odds, and here they sat in his father’s former ship, the same father whom he had killed.

The Millennium Falcon lurched as it rose up off the ground.

“Something’s not right.” Rey muttered as she pulled up another screen to, her eyes flickering across the lines of information as they ticked across the screen.

“What do you mean something’s not right?”

Rey shot him look. “The typical meaning for _something’s not right_.” She bit out. The ship started its ascent upwards into open flying space. “The reactors aren’t … _reacting_.” She gave as an explanation, “But we don’t have much of a choice.”

Kylo’s face went pale as the ship pitched to the left, “I thought you said you fixed all of its problems!”

“I can’t _fix_ problems I don’t know about!” Rey shouted at him as they started to gain speed, the world turning blue and bright outside of the window. “If I were a betting person I’d say that Mustafar’s atmosphere is leaking and it corroded the core reactors.” She clung to the controls as she navigated them through.

“We’re not going to make it to the Resistance.” Rey told him, opening another screen to reprogram their flight path. “There’s no way in hell we’d make it back in one piece.”

“What’s our best option then?” Kylo questioned as the ship dipped and jerked among the stars. “I’m going to be sick.”

“You haven’t experienced anything yet.” Rey warned him as she programed the ship to take them to the next closest planet. “What do you know about Devaron?”

“It’s a jungle.” He said, gripping at the arms of his seat as they gained speed, careening into the atmosphere of the planet. “We’re going to _die_.”

“Not if I have anything to do about it.” Rey said shutting off all other functions on the ship, including lights, and half of the control panel. “We’re going to come in hard and fast, but hopefully I can make us stick the landing with minimal damage to the ship.”

“Or us?”

“Buckle up.”

Kylo stared at her. “Since when do we have seatbelts?”

“I installed them.” She retorted. “The sooner the better.” She snapped her fingers together, before pulling her own belt across her lap and fastening it.

Kylo followed suit, leaning back against the headrest and closing his eyes. “I can’t believe I survived being tortured only to die in the Millennium Falcon.”

Rey laughed brightly at his words. “You can open your eyes Kylo.” She watched him intently as he opened one and then the other. “We landed.”

Kylo looked between her and the terrain beyond the window. “How the _hell_ did you land us so smoothly?”

She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “At the detriment of about eighty-five percent of the ship’s functions.” Rey grimaced. “Unfortunately, to keep from killing us I had to shut off everything but the absolute necessary features, which effectively fried their connectors.” She unbuckled her seatbelt and rose to her feet to fiddle with a series of wires above their heads. “Any idea if Devaronians are friendly?”

“Not a clue.” Kylo said dryly.

“I guess we’re going to find out because no amount of tinkering is going to fix this. I need new reactors and a new serpentine connector.” She shook her head, staring at the control panel in disappointment. “I wasn’t anticipating this.”

“Neither was I.” His voice strained as he leaned forward, pain written all over his face. “Think we might work on me before you run off to scavenge?”

Rey nodded her head. “Yes. _Yes_. I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking. Do you think you can make it into the sickbay? Or do you need me to bring everything in here?”

“For the sake of my pride, I think I can make it.” He held his hand up to keep her from offering him assistance as he hauled himself upright. He wavered, looking like he might just keel over right then and there, but he managed to keep his footing. “Please tell me you have a decent supply of Bacta on here.”

“Of course I do. I always come prepared.” Rey retorted with an edge of offense as she eyed him. “You can’t use this predicament to judge my preparedness.”

“I can and I _will._ ” He said teasingly as he stepped past her slowly. “Though if the atmosphere is leaking on Mustafar, I believe my abusers have an interesting experience to come. Only Hux would be foolish enough to think that an abandoned lava planet was suitable for base camp.” He laughed bitterly, before groaning. “That hurts.”

“Then don’t laugh.” Rey had to stifle her own laugh as she walked along the corridor beside him. He didn’t seem so intimidating now. His black garb was in tatters, revealing pale skin that had been ruined by beatings, kicks, and lightsabers. His shirt could barely even be considered a shirt, it was held together by a few sparred threads, and his pants were more like undergarments (and she was thankful none of _that_ was showing). “Why did they do this to you?” She couldn’t comprehend this level of cruelty, though given the source, was it really surprising? “Just because I beat you?”

“Because I failed.” Kylo let out a heavy breath, “I killed my own father to prove myself to them and _this_ is what I get.” He almost lost his footing, but Rey was there to catch him. Catching him brought them both intimately close to each other. His lashes fluttered as he looked down at her. Every time he looked at her like that it felt like she was witnessing him seeing the world anew. And it shook her to the very core.

“We’re almost there.” Rey said, trying to disperse the suddenly thick feeling air, glancing behind her as she maneuvered him towards the cot in the corner of the room. “You’re going to need to take all of that off.” She gestured to his clothing, “There should be something around here for you to put on.”

Kylo looked around the room curiously. “Have you taken anything out of the panel over there?” He questioned, pointing towards a metal plate on the floor.

“No?”

“He used to stow an extra set of clothes in there. I have no idea if he did up until the end.”

“I wouldn’t hold out hope,” Rey said as she moved towards the panel. “Unkar was notorious with stripping almost everything out of the junk he collected.” She pried the panel open, her eyes widening as she looked down into the compartment and saw a bundle of clothing. It seemed _wrong_ to let Kylo wear Han’s clothes. Not after what he had done. But was it better to let him sit there naked? _No_. Definitely not. That was the last thing Rey wanted to see.

“I knew the old man hadn’t changed his ways.” Kylo said with a fleeting smile, “I hate to break it to you Rey, but I can’t just put those on.” He grimaced as he pushed his trousers down lower on his hips, gesturing to the deep wound that cut downwards towards his thigh.

“That was a close cut.”

“Tell me about it.” He rolled his eyes as he collapsed back against the cot, “Give me a minute. The room is spinning.”

Rey grabbed a jar of Bacta from the shelf and a bottle pain reliever. “Hopefully once we get you cleaned up the room will stop spinning.” She sat the items down at the foot of the cot, before moving to soak a few wash cloths in the sink. She grabbed a small basin and dropped the wet cloths into it, bringing it back to his bedside. “You may need several treatments of Bacta if the one on your leg is any indication.”

“My shoulder is worse.” He gritted out, slowly drawing his tattered shirt up over his abdomen. “I’m going to need help.”

“Maybe I should cut it off.” Rey said, placing a gentle hand on his stomach to keep him from sitting up. “It’ll be easier than you wrenching that off.”

“And with it all my pride and dignity will go.”

“But you’ll live to fight another day.” She said with no small amount of sass as she leaned over to grab a small pair of scissors to cut the fabric off of him. While he was certainly thin and lanky, even more so now that he’d been starved and dehydrated, he was certainly in shape. His abs were clearly defined and she tried in vain to focus on the dark bruising on his stomach, instead of the dark hair that led downwards. “You are a mess.” She shook her head morosely. “I have seen people beaten to death on Jakku, but I have never seen someone live with these sort of injuries. Especially not for as long as you’ve lingered.”

“It was a slow, drawn out torture.” He told her, trying to distract himself as she washed away the dried blood, the water stinging as it touched torn flesh. “I lost count of the days. Not even Snoke would see me. They all turned their backs on me as if they no longer cared whose grandson I am.”

Rey chewed on her bottom lip and nodded. “Some of the bruising looks several weeks old.” She added, her eyes sweeping upwards to the ruined flesh at his shoulder. It had already started to heal perhaps a dozen times, but it was clear that every time it threatened to heal, the brutal kick of a boot or the blow of a fist had torn it open again. “I’m _so_ sorry Kylo. You’re strength is impressive.”

“It’s not strength.” He exhaled heavily as he covered his face with his hand, “It’s cowardice that kept me alive. I was too damn afraid to die. Where do people like me go when we die?”

Rey was taken aback by his words. “On Jakku I was always told that we all become stars when we die. Though now I know that stars are already dead by the time we see them. I’ve never asked again.” She admitted with a shrug of her shoulders. “I don’t know where either of us would go.”

“What was Jakku like?”

“ _Awful_.” She told him honestly. “I think my skin is permanently tanned a shade darker than it should be.” Rey could tell that he was wanting to be distracted as she worked on him, he might not want to admit it, but she knew. “I never even knew that there were worlds as green as this one for instance. All I had known was _sand_. Never ending, coarse, frustrating sand.” She scoffed. “But it was life and I dealt with it. Chin up and determined that one day I wouldn’t be alone anymore.”

“I was alone too. It was dark and cold in the shadow of my family legacy.”

One sentence and she understood him. All that he had done was to make something of himself, but the wrong people had gotten ahold of that desire of his. The Dark Side had tempted him with fame and infamy and _this_ was how they’d repaid him.

“I’m going to have to cut your pants off.” Rey said bluntly, “I’ll put a cloth over your private bits, but it’s a necessary evil.” Her cheeks were hot and she knew they were red and she _hated_ how effected he made her feel. It was new. Frustrating.

“Wouldn’t want to tarnish you now would we?”

Rey laughed loudly. “You’re about ten years late for tarnishing me.” She told him, giving him a look as she started to cut away the fabric of his pants, grabbing one of the dry towels to throw over his crotch, a little too late _not_ to catch a sight of his impressive… “Sometimes it was the only way to get a meal.”

“ _Oh_.” Kylo frowned, raking his fingers through his hair as he settled back against the bed once more. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Sometimes you have to make difficult decisions if you want to survive.” Rey shrugged. “It could have been worse.”

“Regardless of the decisions that were made, I can still offer you sympathy.”

“I thought I’d think your reasons for all of this,” She motioned towards his tattered clothes that lay on the floor by her feet. “Were immature and petulant. But I think I get why you did this. Why the temptation was so strong. Your mother is so deeply ensconced in politics that I can’t imagine being her child.”

“They sent me away to train.”

“You should have been raised by your parents. You should have been taught to _love_.”

“To love?” Kylo sighed heavily. “Love is weakness. I couldn’t escape who I was and what it meant and the weight of it _crushed_ me.”

Rey reached for his hand and soothed the first he’d balled it into. “I know. You wanted to be someone else. Someone people looked up to and _feared_.” She pursed her lips. “Look what that got you Ben.”

“Please call me Kylo.”

“ _Kylo_.” Rey corrected. “There’s still hope for you.”

Kylo looked away, staring at the wall on the other side of him. “I’ll be put to death when the Resistance gets ahold of me. I am an enemy to them and their leader.”

“Your mother wouldn’t –”

“Mother, no… General, _yes_.”

Rey reached out to touch his mind, to soothe him on a level deeper than the physical comfort she offered with the gentle touch to the back of his bruised hand. Though he shed no tears his mind was _weeping_. The waves of pain ran deeper than the injuries he bore. He was afraid of what awaited him when she delivered him to the Resistance. Afraid to let down his guard and show that fear on his face.

She embedded herself deeply in his mind, the tendrils of her consciousness reaching out to curl around his own. His pain was her own and she tried to lessen the burden of it that weighed down upon his spirit.

“What are you doing?” Kylo questioned and Rey wasn’t sure if she was hearing his voice or _hearing_ his voice.

Rey swallowed thickly, “Soothing you.” She felt completely overwhelmed by the onslaught of emotions she felt coming from him, emotions that were so raw and pure, emotions that felt like her own as she shared them with him.

Kylo pushed, trying to expel her from his mind, but she was stronger than him right now. She was strong enough to keep herself there until she was ready to retreat. He stared up at her in awe as she broke the connection, blinking rapidly as she looked down at him.

“I couldn’t bear the pain.” She admitted, her gaze flickering away from his as she reached for another cloth to clean the wound at his thigh. “I hate to tell you, but the scar on your face isn’t going to fade. It’s been reopened too many times.” She had seen his concern over that one during her journey through the corridors of his mind. “But it suits you.”

“Really?”

Rey nodded. “It’s distinguished.”

“I was convinced it would just make me more unappealing.”

She snorted in a very impolite way. “Sorry. _Sorry_. You clearly don’t know what appeal is.”

“Oh?”

“This is really going to hurt.” Rey told him, trying to get him off _that_ topic, by rubbing a little harder at the nasty injury at his leg. It was needed, there was dirt stuck in the inflamed flesh, and the last thing they needed was him getting an infection.

He swore like an uncivilized trader, in possibly three different languages, and Rey couldn’t help but _laugh_. “What did you just say?”

Kylo glowered. “That you were hurting my _fucking_ leg.” He snarled, jerking the limb away from her. “Are you done yet?”

“Almost.” Rey sighed, sweeping the wet cloth over his legs, cleansing the dirt, blood, and grime off of him. “I’ll need you to turn over too. I’m sure your back wasn’t spared.”

“You just want to look at my ass.”

“ _Wow_.” Rey screwed up her face. “You caught me.”

“I knew it.”

Rey shook her head as she tossed the sullied cloths aside. “I need you to turn over. The sooner we get this over with, the sooner you get Bacta on you, and the sooner I can set out to get the parts we needed.”

“Anxious to see me dead?” Kylo questioned as he held the cloth on his crotch in place as he rolled over her.

“I’m not going to let them kill you. Not after I’ve worked so hard at healing you.” Rey said firmly. She doubted that General Organa would see her son dead, regardless of what he had done. But she had to admit, General Organa hadn’t told her to bring him back alive. Which was the perfect excuse not to succumb to those flutters she felt in her chest and the ache that had blossomed between her thighs. Needs and desires that had his name written all over them. If she wanted to be taken seriously, to be revered among her peers, fucking the prisoner wasn’t the way to go about it.

But it was tempting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I commend you for getting through that. It's been roughly ten years since I really got into the meat of SW, meaning all the planets, races, items, and so on. Forgive me if my ship part description was complete and utter shit. A+ for effort right? At the moment I have no idea where this is going, but more than likely to them in bed.


	2. Chapter 2

“Bacta feels _disgusting_.” Kylo complained as she slathered the gelatinous substance over the larger injuries that cut into him.

“Try delving your fingers into it.” She stuck out her tongue in disgust as she did just that again, wiggling them around in the jelly to gather up enough to smooth over the wound at his thigh. “I thought you’d be showing signs of healing by now.” She blew out a breath, rubbing her arm over her temple to push away a strand of hair that kept falling in her face.

“You definitely won’t be winning an impromptu field medic award.” He teased, “Is it possible the Bacta is out of date?”

“Do things like this actually expire?” She squinted as she looked at the fine print of the jar. “It’s still got a few month’s shelf life left.” Rey told him, glancing down at his thigh again. “At least you’re in slightly better spirits.”

“Marginally. I’m no longer dying of thirst which allows me to be quick with my words again.” He lifted his hand to gingerly touch his cheek where the Bacta covered the injury. “This one hurts quite considerably. You would think that one like my shoulder or leg would be worse off.”

“I’m no medic, obviously, but I think the one your face _might_ be infected.” She grimaced as she cleaned off her sticky fingers. “The last dose of pills I gave you included an antibiotic, but I don’t know how fast it’ll kick into action. Finn was unconscious for nearly two weeks due to his injuries, though I believe they were intentionally keeping him knocked out.” She chewed on her bottom lip as she watched him with rapt attention. Some of the color had returned to his cheeks and his lips were no longer a sort of purple, deathly, tint.

“Any luck with your tinkering?”

“Are you just looking for bad news?” Rey retorted with a light hearted laugh. “It’s not any worse, but it’s not any better either. I need to venture out find the parts sooner rather than later.”

“I want to go with you.” Kylo insisted.

“You’re in no condition to go traipsing about the jungle, Kylo.” Rey crossed her arms across her chest. “If your body weren’t rejecting the Bacta, then _yes_ , maybe you’d be up to it, but it’s quite clear that you’re immune to its work.”

“I think I can manage.” He sat up, careful to keep the cloth she’d laid over his crotch in place. “Wrap up the wounds, let the Bacta keep trying to work, and I’ll suffer through it.”

“I am _perfectly_ capable of taking care of myself,” Rey said through gritted teeth. “I don’t need you out their risking your health to play hero. In case my reminiscing about Jakku wasn’t clear, I was _on my own_ most of my life and I turned out just fine.”

“I wasn’t…” Kylo rolled his eyes. “I don’t want to be left here alone.”

“Oh.” Her expression softened and she looked away. “I would come back.”

“I might not be able to physically fight like this, but I can at least lend you help in the form of the Force, if we even know it. Perhaps Devaronians are perfectly lovely people who will be more than willing to help us get off the planet.

“ _Fine_.” She glanced at him again, her lips pressed into a thin line. “Just don’t do anything stupid that would get us both killed.” Rey narrowed her eyes at him, “I’m putting a lot on the line here.”

“I know you are.” Kylo nodded as he swung his legs over the side of the bed, grimacing as the action clearly put strain on some part of his anatomy. “While you’re getting the bandages, would you care to get me another pain pill?”

“You’ve got two hours before you can have more,” Rey told him firmly as she stood up and moved towards the cabinets to find the necessary supplies to bandage him up. “I can picture it now, showing up at the Resistance with you in toe. Informing your mother that while I saved your life and mended you, I got you hooked on high powered pain killers.”

“The Dark Side… pain killers… It’s all the same, right?”

Rey rolled her eyes, dropping the rolls of bandaging onto the cot beside him. “I think not.” She laughed, brushing her fingers through his hair, before even really realizing what she was doing. She pulled her hand away quickly, her cheeks going red. “It was going to get in the Bacta.” She gave as an incredibly lame excuse, because the Bacta was nowhere near the hair at the top of his head.

The sooner she got him bandaged up, the sooner they got the parts, and the sooner she was done playing caregiver to him.

“How old are you?” Rey asked, trying to change the subject to something tamer.

“Twenty-five.” Kylo answered, “How old are you?”

“Twenty-three.” Rey replied. She had to practically sit on his lap to wrap the bandaging around his shoulder and she was trying to ignore the way she could feel his breath dancing over her shoulder as she leaned in to wrap it behind him.

“I thought you were older.” Kylo teased, “But now I see those little wrinkles are probably from the sun.”

“If you weren’t injured I would have punched you.” Rey pulled back and narrowed her eyes sternly at him. “Hold still.” The bandaging job was definitely nowhere near professional level. She’d wound it across his shoulder and torso like a sash, before wrapping it around his chest, and then his arm to keep it in place. It did the job, but it was definitely not a skillset she had under her belt. “Or I’ll bring up that your temper reminds me of a hotheaded teenager.” She widened her eyes then, no small amount of sass dripping from her words.

“It’s the Solo genes.” He smirked at her, his eyes raking over her face, lingering at her lips for a long moment, before she pulled away to get more bandaging.

“Whatever you say.” Rey couldn’t help but be amused by this side of Kylo. He was different when you took him away from the First Order. Maybe it was the painkillers, but he seemed lighter and even _happy_. “How does it feel? Secure?” She questioned as she watched him move, testing her handiwork.

“Well, I certainly don’t feel miraculously healed, but it’s certainly wrapped well.” Kylo raked his fingers through his hair, blinking as he looked up at her. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” She smiled at him before kneeling in front of him. “This one’s going to be a little bit trickier.” Her cheeks were flushed as she eyed his thigh.

Kylo’s brows knit together and he nodded. “I know. It’s an awkward position.” He rubbed his lips together, staring down into her hazel eyes. “The injury I mean.”

“Right.” She nodded her head in agreement. Her fingers fumbled with the bandaging, wrapping it around his leg, which caused her fingertips to brush his skin. Rey noted the way he flinched, unfamiliar with such a faint caress. “Maybe bandaging you up like this will make the Bacta soak in and do its job.” She commented, trying to ignore the images this position conjured up in her mind.

Rey couldn’t honestly admit that she hadn’t _imagined_ this scenario in a very different light. One where he wasn’t injured and there was no cloth separating _him_ from her sight. Their first encounters had been charged with a very unsettling sexual tension that she’d been faced to soothe with dreamed up situations. No amount of meditating had pushed them from her mind.

“ _Fuck_.” Kylo swore as the bandaging rubbed a little too roughly against his thigh, threatening to bring tears to his eyes. “Stop.” He hissed out, grabbing her hand and holding it there against his thigh.

If it weren’t for the pain on his face, she would have torn her hand away from his hold. But it was quite clear that she’d hurt him. “I’m sorry.”

He let out a heavy breath, lifting his other hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. “I’ll be fine. Continue.”

“You’ll have to let go of my hand.” Rey said flatly, flexing her fingers beneath his hand, her eyelashes fluttering.

Kylo swallowed thickly as he unclamped his hand, “Somehow I thought having a girl on her knees in front of me would be far more pleasurable.”

Rey stared at him in horror. “Well you thought _wrong_.” She sputtered, trying not to let her embarrassment cause her to hurt him again, because the temptation to roughly tug the bandaging around his leg was strong.

He chuckled humorlessly. “There’s only so much you can learn from reading.”

She arched a brow. “Not firsthand experience?”

“Hardly.”

“ _Really_?”

Kylo let out a breathy laugh. “Unfortunately. Don’t look so surprised, Rey.”

“Wow.” She finished off on the bandaging, neatly cutting the end off as she tucked it into place. She wasn’t quite sure what she was supposed to do with that knowledge. Kylo Ren… a _virgin_? Though it didn’t really surprise her, when would he have been getting it on? Hadn’t his uncle whisked him away from training and since then he’d been building an empire of evil. Not exactly an ideal match for someone.

“Surprise.” He said dryly. “Can you hand me the clothes?”

“Of course.” Rey flustered as she stood up, turning her back to him to hide the look on her face. “Do you need any help getting them on?” She asked, taking her time with retrieving them.

“I can probably do it.” Kylo drawled out, “I mean, unless you want to help me get dressed.”

She gave a bark of laughter. “You definitely don’t need any more drugs, they’re working just fine.” Rey told him as she tossed the clothes at him. “Get dressed and I’ll be back in a few.” She narrowed her eyes at him as she quickly retreated from the sickbay, desperate for a few moments alone.

For the life of her she couldn’t understand _why_ he made her feel the way that she did. It wasn’t _right_ , but there were a lot of things which weren’t the right thing and they were the most tempting.

Rey pressed her back against the cool metal wall, closing her eyes as she once again tried to push the thoughts from her mind, to stow away the vivid dreams that still played in her mind. The thoughts had no place in her head when they were going to be in such close quarters for the foreseeable future. Though, luckily for her, he wasn’t exactly experienced in any of this, so it was highly likely that what she felt wasn’t even felt by him.

“How do I look?”

Her eyes snapped open and she whirled around to face him. “You look…” She trailed off as she eyed the clothes he wore. They were a little too big for him, at least the shirt was and he’d tied a belt around the pants to keep them firmly around his waist. “You look good. I didn’t think you looked like your father, but I see it now.”

“Won’t my mother be _thrilled_ to see me in his clothes.” Kylo said, rubbing his hand over his chest with a slight grimace. “Some things are definitely still deeply bruised.”

“We’ll see how far we are from civilization and I’ll take the pain pills to give you when its time, in case we’re still out.” Rey told him, stepping past him to reenter the sickbay, grabbing some necessary supplies, on the off chance that they weren’t able to return to the ship. “Are you absolutely sure you’re up for this Kylo?”

“I can’t let you run off without me.” Kylo chuckled. “Besides, I’ve never been to Devaron. Might never get a chance again.”

Rey frowned. “Why won’t there be another chance?”

“You and I both know why.” Kylo sighed, crossing his arms across his chest as he leaned against the doorframe, waiting for her to finish collecting items.

“If you sincerely think you’re going to be put to death when I take you back to the Resistance, then why aren’t you trying escape?”

“Because I’m tired of running.” Kylo admitted, casting his gaze to the metal floor at his feet. “I’ve already lost.”

“I think the drugs are getting to you,” Rey said with a chagrined smile. She moved to step past him again, lingering there under the threshold with him. “If you prove to them that you have had a sincere change of heart, they may _not_ put you to death Kylo. Prove to me and prove to them that you have turned your back on the Dark Side and there might still be a chance for you.”

“To rot in a prison cell?”

“At least they’ll feed, clothe, and bathe you daily.” Rey said, trying and failing to lighten the mood. “No, Kylo, not a prison cell… _freedom_.”

He shook his head solemnly. “You have clearly not spent enough time around the Resistance. Do you _really_ believe they offer second chances to people like me?”

“There certainly won’t be a second chance if you go back ready to face death, but if you go back ready to find a new lease on life, you might actually win them over.” Rey didn’t know why it mattered so much to her that he survive this, why her mission had gone from practicing her sympathetic words after his death, to begging him to fight for a chance to live. But maybe it was because she understood hopelessness, she understood feeling alone, and betrayed. She just chose the _light_ side while he chose to succumb. They weren’t that dissimilar.

“Ah _yes_ , because having a second chance at being ignored by my mother in favor of her duty is so tempting.” Kylo said bitterly. “I’m _so_ looking forward to that.”

Rey didn’t really think it through. She rose up on her toes and pressed her lips against his in a chaste kiss that was tinged with something far from chaste.  

Kylo was the one that broke away, staring down at her with a look that was half horror and half surprise. “What are you doing?”

“I don’t know.” Rey admitted sheepishly, her tongue darting out over her lips, her lashes fluttering. “I just thought…”

“You’d try to kiss me into believing there’s something to live for?” Kylo gave an incredulous laugh. “That’s endearing.” He raked his fingers through his hair, eyeing her curiously. “Maybe I’m already dead.”

Rey widened her eyes as she looked up at him. “You must think highly of me if you think I’m your post death consolation prize.”

Kylo flashed her a crooked grin, lifting his hand to cup her cheek. “Are you harboring feelings for the enemy Rey?”

Rey narrowed her eyes. “ _No_.” She licked her lips, holding his gaze. “What makes you think that?”

“Well you just kissed me. Unless these drugs provide incredible hallucinations too.”

“I did kiss you and I don’t really know why I did. It just felt like the right thing to do in the moment.” She admitted. “Let’s just pretend it didn’t happen.”

“ _Right_.” He dropped his hand away from her cheek, nodding his head.

Rey couldn’t help but asking, “Was that your…?”

“Yes.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed heavily. “We can pretend you don’t know that either.”

Rey hadn’t stepped away from him yet. “That was about as pathetic as my own first kiss.”

“Maybe you’re just a bad kisser then.” Kylo retorted sassily.

“Like you would know.” Rey feigned offense. “I’m starting to regret that I saved your arse.”

Kylo laughed. “Because I insulted your kissing abilities?”

“I’ll have you know that under the right circumstances I’m an _excellent_ kisser.” She jutted out her chin haughtily, narrowing her eyes at him again. “You wouldn’t know a good kiss if it slapped you upside the head.”

He lunged. It was the only way to describe his action. He pressed her back against the wall and his mouth descended upon hers in a heated and messy kiss. She wasn’t sure where her hands were supposed to go – at his hip, his shoulder, in his hair. It felt all wrong and yet her body was practically singing in response to his lips as they worked over hers.

Rey couldn’t suppress the groan that rose up in her throat, muffled against his lips. Her body molded against his, wanting him _closer_ as she sank into the kiss. It was better than she’d imagined, better than it had any right to be.

She tugged at his hair to drag him away from the kiss, breathing raggedly. “ _Kylo_.” Every fiber of being felt like it was screaming out to him, through the Force, through _everything_. “We need to go.” She pulled away quickly, trying to catch her breath. “Realistically we have enough supplies for a week, if we crashed further than a day’s walk from civilization we’re screwed and if they’re hostile we’re doubly screwed.”

Rambling helped ease the steady thumping of her heart and the raging pulse in her ears. She wondered if he could feel the way she felt. It had to be radiating through the Force the way his pain and anguish had reached out and touched her. Was that why he’d all but mauled her with that kiss? Because he could feel the way she ached for _more_ from him.

After having to manually lower the ramp thanks to some of the processors being fried in the landing, they were met with the humid, suffocating, air of the jungle around them. Had they landed a few hundred feet further into the jungle, they would have ended up in a considerably worse situation. As it were there were _no_ signs of civilization in their immediate vicinity.

“Looks like we’re in for a long journey.” Kylo said, crossing his arms across his chest as he glanced around the jungle. “If something doesn’t eat us first.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “I’m not going to kiss you again to try to make you optimistic if that’s what you’re angling for.”

“I definitely wasn’t,” He chuckled. “But it’s nice to see where your mind’s at when there are such pressing concerns.”

She mirrored his body language, crossing her arms across her chest. “You’re not coming along with me on this trek if you keep being so negative.” Rey narrowed her eyes at him. “Can you feel _any_ signs of anyone? I’m getting a faint reading from _that_ direction.”

Kylo eyed her curiously for a moment before closing his eyes, focusing. “It’s at least a day’s journey. Your reading was correct, there’s a small town in that direction.” He blinked as he opened his eyes. “That was exhausting.” He took a step back and then one forward, unsure of his footing.

“ _Kylo_.” She reached out for him, letting him grab onto her arms for support. “No more using the Force for you. You’re clearly still too weak.” Rey mentally kicked herself for letting him come in the first. “And you’re in no position to go a day on foot.”

“You can take me back to the Falcon, but I won’t stay Rey. I will follow you, whether you want me to or not.”

“Then I’ll chain you to the damn cot.” Rey gritted out, the muscle in her jaw flinching from how hard she’d clamped down. “I’d like to see you get out of that.”

Kylo glared into her eyes and she could feel him trying to force himself into her mind.

“It won’t work.”

“I don’t want to be _left_ again Rey.” He snapped out, his anger practically tangible as it cracked in the air between them.

Rey pushed back a little harder, dislodging him from her mind and putting up that wall that kept him out. “I’m not going to leave you. I have no choice but to come back to the ship Kylo. You’re putting your health at risk and jeopardizing _our_ safety. You are still weak.”  She blew out a breath. “I know you don’t know any more what it’s like to have someone take care of you, but I’m _trying_ here. You have to let me.”

“What if they attack you and I never know what happened?”

“You raise a valid point. In either situation you’re going to die. It’s not as though you can fend of anyone in this state. You don’t even have a weapon.”

“I have the Force.”

“You are too weak to use the Force.”

“Adrenaline will kick in. I’ll be fine.” He puffed out his chest, trying in vain to mask a wince of pain as the action pulled his shoulder. “I’m going with you Rey.”

Rey pursed her lips, her brows furrowing. “Don’t slow me down.”

“I don’t intend to.” Kylo retorted.

“And don’t die on me.”

“At least not today.” He cracked a small smile, glancing away, staring into the ominous jungle before them.

“Not _any_ day.” Rey corrected before stepping ahead of him as she led them through the jungle. Her reasoning for leaving him behind hadn’t been solely health driven. In fact it was a little selfish because the last thing she wanted to do was spend the next _day_ completely alone with him, traipsing through an unknown jungle. In the Millennium Falcon they’d been alone and she’d foolishly let that kiss happen – _twice_. Out here, where emotions were sure to run high and the heat of the jungle would get to them eventually, who knew what was going to happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I learned today that apparently in the canon Rey is 18 (from the novel) and Kylo is 29/30 (from an exec), that doesn't fit what I thought they were and thus was not applied to this fic whatsoever. Also, I might have a headcanon where Kylo's a virgin, as you saw, that definitely plays a part in all my Kylo stuff. 
> 
> Thanks for the encouraging words guys! I hope you enjoyed!


	3. Chapter 3

“How are you holding up back there?” Rey questioned, giving a backwards glance at Kylo as he trudged along a few feet behind her.

“I’ve endured worse.” He remarked.

“Do you need a break?” She knew he wasn’t going to agree to that.

“ _No_.” He’d refused the last half-dozen times she’d asked him. “We have to get at least halfway there before nightfall.”

“Well I _am_ exhausted.” She said firmly, moving to lean against a tree. Admittedly she was worn out, but she also knew he wasn’t going to stop unless she did and he looked significantly worse off than she did.

“I can see straight through what you’re doing Rey.” Kylo said through gritted teeth. “We can keep moving. I’m not going to slow us down.”

Rey rolled her eyes, “You were almost dead when I found you Kylo. The bacta _isn’t_ working. You’re allowed to be exhausted and need a break.”

He shook his head. “No. Exhaustion is weakness. You can’t let it get the best of you.”

“Sounds like the Jedi rhetoric Master Luke tried to instill in me.” Rey scoffed. “In your condition I think you can forgo all of those ridiculous rules about weakness.” She waved her hand dismissively. She knew one of the top ideologies of the Jedi were _not_ to get romantically involved with anyone, which was clearly not working for her because every time he swept his fingers through his hair or even groaned a little, her entire being felt perfectly in tuned with him.

It was _so_ wrong.

“Well I _did_ train under him for the better part of my life.” Kylo let out a heavy sigh. “How is he?”

Rey’s brows knit together. “I’m sure he’s seen better days. These past ten years have worn him down. But exile did him good. He’s much closer to the Force than he believed himself to be before. He’s at peace.” She smiled wistfully. “And completely unwilling to teach me because he’s afraid to make another apprentice like _you_.”

“Another reason to loathe me I’m sure.” He glared at the ground.

“For him or for me?”

“Both.”

Rey frowned and nodded, turning to look up the path they had ahead of them. “We should keep moving. It’s going to be nightfall soon.” She pulled out her canteen and took a swig of water before passing it to him. “Keep hydrated. You need to take care of your body if you expect it to heal.”

“Thank you.” He said, barely above a whisper as he took a long drink of water, still making up for all the weeks he’d gone without enough. “Will we continue through the night?”

“As far as we can go.” Rey said, ignoring the way her stomach lurched when their fingers brushed, busying herself with tucking her canteen back into place. She was fairly certain she wasn’t the only one feeling it either. She could feel it in the air between them. It was strange and unusual and she wasn’t entirely certain what any of it meant.

“Let’s hope the Devaronians are a fairly advanced society. I’d hate for us to go to all this trouble only to find out they sleep in leaf huts and don’t bathe.”

Rey couldn’t help but laugh. “We’d have to adapt to living with them. If that were the only way to survive this unfortunate situation.”

“I’m sure the Resistance will come for you.” Kylo set his jaw hard. “They’d blame me for the reactor failure I’m sure.”

“And I’d gladly inform them that it was the atmosphere of that damned lava planet that ruined them.” She huffed, pushing her hair behind her ears. “What did I say about being negative, Kylo?”

“I’m not being negative. It’s the truth.” His shoulders shrugged. “I have nowhere left to go. If I return to Snoke and the First Order, my torment will resume – which, in the end, will bring my death – if I return to D’Qar with you I will face death there as well. Either way, my days grow shorter.”

“You say that so cavalierly.” She stared at him. “Does your life really mean so little to you?”

“I have achieved _nothing_.”

“You’ve killed a lot of people for that lackluster career.”

Kylo glared at her. “No one will aspire to be me.” She could feel the waves of anguish washing over him. “No one will mourn me.”

“I would light a candle for you in the Jedi Temple –”

“ _Touching_.”

“ – but you will _not_ die.”

“Why do you care if I live or die?”

Rey felt her cheeks burn red. “We need to keep moving.” She started to take a step forward but she felt him delving into her mind. She pushed back, knocking him out, whipping around to fix him with a deadly glare. “Keep out of my mind.”

“You changed the subject.” Kylo said easily, giving her a knowing look. “I wanted to know why you cared. After all I’ve done, there’s really no reason to.”

“I don’t have a reason. I just do.” She said, narrowing her eyes. “Now keep out of my mind and I’ll stay out of yours.”

“You wouldn’t like what you saw anyways.”

“No. I’m sure I wouldn’t.” Rey snapped her focus back to the path ahead of them, her heart pounding in her chest. She hated the way he’d unnerved her completely. Master Luke hadn’t exactly told her how Jedi, or at least Force sensitive people, were supposed to modulate the unwanted desires to… _well_.

They were quiet for the longest time as they moved through the forest. As the sun set behind them, the forest grew darker and the temperature steadily dropped. But Rey was determined to get them as close to the civilization as they could before they were _too_ tired to keep going.

Kylo was exhausted, even if he refused to admit it. She could hear the way he hissed between clenched teeth when he stepped just right and pulled at muscles that refused to heal. She was starting to think she needed to use the Force to heal him again, because if the Bacta wasn’t going to work, they were going to have to do something to get him into a better state.

Except a part of her kept telling her _not_ to heal him. It was too much power for her to handle and if she got him back to perfect health, she wouldn’t be able to trust him at all. She already had to keep an eye on him, she didn’t need him back to full health and an actual risk to her wellbeing.

He could easily kill her and use her murder as a leverage to get back in favor with Snoke and the Dark Side.

She was fooling herself if she believed he _could_ be rehabilitated. He didn’t exactly seem repentant for what he had done, but rather he seemed disappointed that he hadn’t achieved more. How was she supposed to, in clear conscious, vie for him to be freed when they returned to the Resistance.

“Why did your parents name you Ben?” She questioned, giving him a sideways look as they walked along the path. It was growing darker, making it harder to see, but she refused to stop until they could go no longer.

Kylo gave her a look. “Why?”

“I’m making small talk.”

“Ah,” He cleared his throat, raking his fingers through his hair. “They named me after the man my grandfather was apprenticed to. He was known as Obi-Wan Kenobi then, but when my Uncle knew him he went by Ben Kenobi.”

“Is it just Ben? They didn’t name you Benjamin?”

He laughed, shaking his head. “No, it’s just… it _was_ just Ben Solo.”

“It has a certain ring to it.” Rey said with a small smile.

Kylo arched a brow at her. “I… I prefer Kylo Ren. It was a name of my own choosing.”

“Do the other Knights of Ren use _Ren_ as their surnames?”

He nodded.

“Interesting.” Rey frowned thoughtfully. “What _are_ the Knights of Ren? I saw them once.”

“ _When_?”

“In a vision.” She shrugged. “I can’t really explain what I saw. But I saw you before I even met you.”

Kylo stopped dead in his tracks. “What did you see?”

Rey chewed on her bottom lip. “I saw when I was left on Jakku. I saw Master Luke with Artoo. I saw you in the forest, in the snow, before I even knew who you really were. I saw you and the Knights of Ren.”

“My grandfather had Force visions. It’s said that he was able to predict the future. Have you had any others?”

“Only when I touched Master Luke’s lightsaber.” Rey admitted, glancing down at her feet. “I’d prefer not to have visions like that again.”

Kylo chuckled, “Perhaps you are more powerful than I am.”

Rey shook his head. “I doubt it.” She glanced towards the path. “We should probably stop here and try to make shelter for the night. I don’t think we’re going to get much further.”

“I need to rest.”

Her brows shot up. “Mark that one on the calendar.” She couldn’t help but laugh, before she saw how pale he looked in the moonlight that filtered through the leaves. “Are you alright?”

“My thigh has been bleeding since the last time we stopped.”

Rey glanced downwards, her eyes widening as she made out where his pants were a darker shade thanks to the blood. “ _Kylo_! Why didn’t you say anything?”

“The pain was making me stronger.”

“Is that what they taught you in the Knights of Ren?” Rey hissed out as she grabbed his hand. “Sit down _now_.”

Kylo grimaced as he moved to sit down. “It’s not so unlike the Jedi, Rey. Did Master Luke not tutor you long enough to teach you that pain can be used to make you stronger? That sometimes an injury can make you win the battle?”

Rey shook her head. “He didn’t teach me that much. But that doesn’t sound like tutoring I’d adhere to.”

“Didn’t it make you fight harder when I injured you?”

Rey opened her mouth twice to speak and nothing came out. She nodded slowly, adverting her gaze to his leg. “You’ll need to take your trousers off.”

“If I didn’t know better, I’d think you just like getting me undressed.”

She couldn’t help but snort at that. “Right. _Please_ , I wouldn’t want to ruin you celibate track record.”

“I’ve only been adhering to that particular vow for ten years, before that it wasn’t as though anyone even wanted to.”

“I can’t imagine why.” Rey pressed her lips together, feeling her blush spread all the way to her ears. “I’m just saying. I have eyes.”

“Well, not _everyone_ finds me appealing then.” Kylo said as he pulled his trousers down, chuckling when Rey adverted her gaze. “You’re a rarity. Shame we didn’t meet sooner.”

“And you never thought to seek an evening of fun out with someone on base? I mean surely someone made a pass at you.”

Kylo rolled his eyes, covering his groining with his trousers as Rey set to unwrapping his thigh. “No. I lack my father’s looks and charm, apparently.”

“You might lack his charms, but you don’t lack his looks.” She told him, keeping her eyes fixed on his leg – which was a _mess_. “I’ll be blunt with you and you _cannot_ use this against me, because for some damn reason I feel like I need to say this to you. But the women that were on that base were damned fools. You are _very_ handsome and from what I’ve caught sight of during all of this – your feet are an excellent clue as to what’s in your pants.”

Rey glanced up at him, surprised by how shocked he looked. “Do you mean that?”

“I’m definitely not just saying that to make you feel better.” She looked back down at his leg. “I’m going to have heal this. It might hurt a little.”

Kylo closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the tree. “Do your worst.”

Rey swallowed thickly, closing her own eyes, holding her hands over his leg. The strength of the Force that flowed through her was overwhelming. She swore she could see the muscles drawing back together, his flesh fixing itself, the bruise fading away. She broke away from the flow, inhaling sharply.

Her breath was stifled by the feel of his lips against hers. Rey’s eyes shot open, her lips moving against his despite reason. His eyes were closed and he looked so… She didn’t know what his emotions were. She couldn’t trust him.

But that didn’t mean that she didn’t lean into the kiss, her tongue darting out, seeking entrance into his mouth. He seemed hesitant at first, which made sense given the fact that he was green when it came to all of this. His tongue tangled with hers, making her feel all sorts of feelings that she had no right to feel.

“ _No_.” She hissed out, pulling away from the kiss as he pulled her _closer_. “Put your pants back on. Your leg is healed. We need to keep walking.” Rey stood up, crossing her arms across her chest as she looked anywhere but at him.

Kylo stood up to put his trousers on, “We can’t keep walking all night.”

“We _will_.” Rey retorted heatedly. She knew better than to stop for the night. They’d have to keep close quarters, a small fire, _body heat_. No good would come from stopping. They had to keep going and not stop until they reached civilization.

“Thank you for healing my leg.”

“You’re welcome.” Rey said through clenched teeth. The sooner they got to civilization, the sooner they fixed the Millennium Falcon, and the sooner Kylo Ren was no longer _her_ problem.

And he was a _huge_ problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might as well be "The ## Times Reylo Kissed and the One Time it Lead to More". I'm trying my damndest to make this a slow burn, but I have the worst luck with my muses actually wanting to commit to that. These two are just going to have to wait. It's a fun dynamic to write. They both should /hate/ each other, but the crash has forced them to see a more human side of each other and it's that human side that's screaming for each other and... maybe something more. :) I think I know exactly where this story is going and I'm excited to get back on track with it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was fun to write! I was thinking about it alllllll day at work and hammered it out as soon as I got home. Thanks to all you lovely people for commenting! I love seeing them!

Rey kept them moving through the night. They took brief breaks to drink water and catch their breath, but she didn’t let them linger very long. She wasn’t sure if she was driven to get them to civilization or driven to keep them moving so there wasn’t another chance for them to kiss. As it was they had already kissed _three_ times too many and she had no excuses as to why she kept letting it happen.

The appropriate response to his last assault, would have been to punch him in the gut and pull away, but instead she’d deepened the kiss and explored his mouth and she _really_ needed to keep that from happening again.

Regardless of their current situation, he _was_ her enemy. He had done more crimes than she could even fathom, killed more people than anyone she’d ever known (and she’d known _terrible_ people on Jakku). There was _nothing_ about him that she should have found appealing.

Except his hair and the angles of his cheekbones… the way his eyes burned with a light that she wasn’t sure someone like him could possess.

She could admit that _physically_ she found him appealing, but everything else that made him Kylo Ren was something to despise.

He yawned loudly beside her, startling her from her thoughts. He chuckled. “Sorry about that. I didn’t realize you were so deep in thought.”

“I think I’m sleeping and walking.”

“Sleep walking?”

Rey gave him a sideways look. “Something like that.”

“You’re determined to get us there aren’t you?”

She nodded her head. “It’s better to push forward and get there and figure out if they even have what we need, instead of dilly-dallying around and wasting our resources.”

“And it means not having to linger long enough to acknowledge what’s happened.”

“Stay out of my mind.”

“I don’t have to invade your mind to know what you’ve been thinking about Rey.” Kylo scoffed.

Rey stiffened. “I thought I said we weren’t going to discuss the kiss?”

“That was for the first two.”

She rolled her eyes. “It’s an umbrella statement. It covers _all_ of them.”

Kylo grinned, clearly amused by how unnerved she had to be looking. “That last one was better than the first two.”

“Considering those three are all you have for basis…” Rey took a deep breath. “We aren’t doing this.” She’d wanted to mock his abilities in that department, claim that the kisses were _very_ low in her ranking – but she was fairly he’d be able to tell she was lying.

She hadn’t really figured it out, but there was something about the Force that flowed between them, that seemed familiar. She’d noted it when he’d tried to invade her mind during the interrogation – whatever was between them, they both _definitely_ felt it.

And it scared her.

Was that the Dark Side of the Force? Was it trying to seduce her with Kylo’s looks?

Master Luke hadn’t prepared her for any of this. In all honesty, he hadn’t prepared her for much. He’d given her some texts the he had written in his exile, which seemed to her as little more than the scribblings of a very lonely and slightly crazy man. He’d explained to her briefly how the Force worked, the codes and ethics that Jedis lived by, before sending her on her merry way.

Kylo could teach her.

“This may be a strange question, given our positions, but… what _can_ the Force do?” She questioned, her brows knitting together. “I still feel stupid not knowing that you can use the Force to _heal_ someone.”

He chuckled. “I had hoped that one day you might take me up on that offer.”

She fixed him with a glare. “It’s just a question Kylo. I’m not engaging you as a would-be student.”

“Of course,” He nodded, raking his fingers through his hair. “With the Force there is _so_ much potential. Protection, persuasion, wisdom, power, manipulation… With enough training and patience, the Force can unlock skills that are unfathomable to many. For some they can see the future or the past, even scenes from lives they’ve never lived. You can choke the life out of someone a hundred feet ahead of you, sending lightning skittering across a room through the tips of your fingers, and –”

“That’s _enough_.” Rey covered her ears to block out the sound of his voice. She could feel the way the words had flooded him with a dark sort of desire, the cadence of his voice had grown thick and seductive. That was the dark side of the Force. The side that promised power at the cost of your soul.

“You asked.”

“About the Force! Not the dark side.”

“Ah, but the Force is both. Dark and light. It’s how you use it that determines your loyalties.” Kylo chuckled, a smirk twisting at the corners. “It’s enticing though, isn’t it?”

“ _No_.” Rey said firmly, coming to a stop. “Nothing about the idea of _killing_ someone is appealing to me Kylo. And if you _are_ afraid of being put to death when we return to the Resistance, then you shouldn’t find it appealing too. You should want to repent for the people you have killed.”

Kylo looked away. “Apologies bring no one back.” His lips pressed into a thin line and she watched the way he inhaled slowly, his fists clenching at his sides. “If that were the case, then my father would be alive again, a dozen times over.”

Rey hesitantly reached out to touch him, but he jerked away before her hand could make contact.

“I don’t want your sympathy Rey. It’s nearly as bad as actionless apologies.” He snapped. She could feel the anger buzzing between them. “I won’t repent for actions that cannot be corrected.”

“That’s not how it works Kylo.” Rey clenched her jaw tightly. “Repentance means to turn away from your past wrong doings. But it involves the willingness to change and not repeat them.”

Kylo held his hand up to silence her. “If I repent, if I genuflect at the feet of my mother and before the deciders of my fate they will _still_ sentence me to death because repentance doesn’t bring their loved ones back. I dare you to find a single person in the galaxy that hasn’t been touched by the wrath of myself and the powers I serve.” He stepped towards her, a menacing force glaring down at her. “Not even you can claim to be _untouched_. You mourn my father still. I saw your face when I donned his clothes, when I’ve mentioned him. Not even you could be an unbiased jury for my fate.”

Rey swallowed thickly as she stared up at him. She refused to let him push her back. She stood steady, unmoving, even as he loomed above her, shading her from the first rays of morning light. “That seems backwards to me. To repent means there’s a chance that they _might_ spare you from death –”

“I _murdered_ my father Rey.” Kylo hissed out. “I murdered _children_ and _friends_ that I had trained beside for months and years. I am _irredeemable_. If you believe that my mother – the stern faced General, the wise counselor, the voice of reason – would allow me to live, then you are a fool. Did she tell you to bring me back alive? _Did she_?”

Rey blinked up at him. “I… I was ordered to neutralize you.” Her words seemed to completely deflate him. “I can only assume that they expected that we would engage in battle.”

He shook his head and stumbled back a step, “They didn’t care the particulars of my death. They only expected it to happen.” Kylo’s brows knit together, his eyes flickering around the forest before them, as if he was trying to focus on anything other than his thoughts. “My death is imminent.” He turned back to look at her. “Will you do it?”

“No!” Rey stared at him in horror. “No. I will _not_. I’m not going to murder you.”

Kylo stepped towards her again. “If you would rather we engage in a battle beforehand I could arrange it.”

She took a step back. “Stop it. I’m taking you back _alive_.” Rey’s heart was pounding in her chest. “Think about this. We endure this whole journey, we get back to the Resistance, and I tell them about how you helped me and how I helped you and how we worked together to get to safety. Wouldn’t that prove that you still have some light left in you?”

Kylo shrugged. “They’d assume I had some ulterior motive.”

“Do you have an ulterior motive?”

He met her eyes, sadness ever more apparent in his gaze. “I wish I did.”

“You are the most negative person I have _ever_ met.” Rey said incredulously.

“It’s going to rain.” He said, glancing upwards then.

“ _What_?” She followed his gaze upwards, “It’s sunny.”

“If you _focus_ you can feel it too.” Kylo stepped towards her, closer than she should have wanted him to stand. “Close your eyes.”

“Why should I?”

“To focus. Staring at me isn’t what I’d call focusing.” He stared at her expectantly. “Close your eyes.”

Rey huffed, tucking her hair behind her ears before finally closing her eyes. She rocked from her heels to the balls of her feet, waiting for something to happen. “It’s not working.”

“Focus.”

She sighed heavily, clenching and unclenching her fists before _finally_ starting to relax. She can sense how close he is, the heat radiating off his body is a little heady (why does he always have to stand _so_ close? As it is, looking up at him is giving her a neck ache).  His heartbeat is loud and steady and she’s certain that she can hear his pulse thrumming in his veins. Or maybe they’re hers.

A bird or this planet’s version of a bird took flight somewhere above them. She could hear the brush of its wings against leaves, which prompted some other animal to leap between branches. Above them further, she can sense moisture in the air, there’s a thin layer of clouds and the sun’s still shining, but there’s rain.

She could sense the rain so vividly that she swore she could feel it dancing against her skin, cooling her cheeks where they burned hot because of Kylo.

“It’s raining!” Rey laughed as her eyes flash open. He was staring down at her like he meant to devour her within the next second and she quickly darted away from him. “I spent my whole life on Jakku without knowing what it felt like when it rained.” She stretched her arms out, tilting her head back, savoring the rain on her skin.

Kylo snorted, amused by the way she was reacting to the rain. He smiled, a genuine smile, which took Rey completely by surprise as she opened her eyes. “And you thought I was crazy when I said it was going to rain.”

Rey smiled back him. “Well, I’m used to equating sunshine to, well, the sun.” She widened her eyes dramatically. “Come on. We should keep moving, it’s only going to get harder.”

He smirked.

“That’s not what I meant.” She pointed her finger at him warningly. “I meant the rain and you know it.” Rey glanced towards the direction they had been travelling. “We’re almost there. I can feel it.”

Kylo fell into stride beside her as she started off. “See what you can sense with the Force?”

Rey nodded her head. “That was _incredible_.” She glanced towards him. “As long as you don’t try to seduce me to the dark side of the Force, I don’t mind you showing me how to do things like that.”

“Duly noted.” He remarked.

“Especially if it means you _smile_.”

“ _What_?” His brows shot up.

“You were smiling at me before. Don’t lie. I saw it.” She grinned at him, all too proud of herself. “I wonder if they back medals for that.” Rey mused, pushing her wet hair off her cheeks. “A shiny little medallion that reads _I made Kylo Ren, Master of the Knights of Ren, Smile_.”

“You’re ridiculous.” Kylo’s lips twitched upwards, despite his words.

“Well so are you.” Rey gave him a look. “But only because you’re _so_ sullen acting, but you’re quite clearly stifling something that’s trying to crack through.”

Kylo frowned. “ _No_.”

“No?”

“It’s empty.”

“What?” She looked between him and where he was staring ahead of them. She could see through the forest and increasingly harder rain, that the settlement was only a few hundred feet further. “ _No_.”

Rey ran.

As if _that_ would stop the small trading settlement from being empty. They had come so far and now it was all for nothing.

“No!” Rey shouted, stopping dead in her tracks as she stared at the empty and vandalized huts. They were more than likely as civilized as the people of Jakku. But without people actually there, she wasn’t able to gauge whether or not they’d have the parts they needed.

She felt completely defeated. What was keeping the next settlement from being empty? Or keeping the Devaronians from being completely technologically lacking void.

“This is just my luck.” She gritted out, blinking as the rain blurred her vision. She glanced behind her, expecting to find Kylo there, but he wasn’t. “Kylo?” She called out, spinning around to try to find him. Had he run?

“That bastard.”

 _I’m busy_.

Rey swallowed thickly, her heart pounding in her chest. Was that _Kylo_ in her mind?

 _What are you doing?_ She questioned, finding it bizarre that she didn’t have to actually say the words for him to hear. _Where are you?_

 _Trying to find a hut that doesn’t look like heathens lived in it. Many of them have sprung leaks_.

_Why?_

_Because we can’t turn back for the Falcon without a fix and we can’t proceed forward in this rain._

_Why can I hear you?_ She strained her eyes, trying to find the shape of him through the rain, but everything around her seemed still. Until she felt him. _What are you doing?_

 _Showing you where to go. Follow what you feel_.

Rey took a few steps forward, letting his pull guide her onwards. _How are you doing this?_

_With great loss to my strength. Walk faster Rey._

_I’m coming. I’m coming. Gods he’s insufferable. Wait could you hear that?_

He didn’t respond. Which told her that he definitely could hear her. But he wasn’t lying – she could feel his strength wavering.

Rey pushed through the front door of one of the hut he had stowed himself away in. Surprised to find him shirtless, even though she’d already seen it all before. “Woah. Put your clothes back on!”

Kylo gave her an unimpressed look. “I’m soaked to the bone, Rey. The last thing _I_ need is to get sick on top of these injuries.” He grimaced as he started removing his wet bandaging. “Damn that hurts.”

“Well doing it like _that_ is going to cause any healing to pull.” Rey said, moving to correctly remove his bandaging. “Let me do it. We don’t have any Bacta and I don’t want you getting an infection.” She glanced up at him, “I think this one is healing.” She gingerly brushed her fingers over the wound, pleased to see that the Bacta had _finally_ started to work, despite its slowness.

“Hopefully this rain lets up soon.” Kylo sighed, pushing his wet hair off of his forehead. “I don’t know if trekking through that mess is the best idea.”

She shook her head. “It’s probably not. It’ll add weight to us and cause us to slow down. Not that we even know where we need to go from here. Rey pulled back to look up at him better, crossing her arms across her chest. “You should rest. Regardless of which way we go, you need to get your strength back. You’re a little grey around the edges.”

“How attractive.” He made a face, looking towards the bed. “There’s only one.”

“I’m used to sleeping on the ground. I’ll be fine.” Rey assured him, staring down at her wet clothes. “I need to get out of these so _I_ don’t get sick.” She looked at him briefly before looking around the space. “Did you look to see if they had anything in their trunk?”

“I thought that would be intrusive.”

“Like living in their hut isn’t.” Rey said with no small amount of sass, fixing him with a look as she walked towards the trunk, pulling it open. “I think an old woman lived here.” She said, furrowing her brow as she held up a very aged looking garment.

“Is that a potato sack?” Kylo chuckled, moving to sit on the bed. He stretched his arms above his head, before moving to slide under the covers, removing his soaked pants there and tossing them onto the floor.

“Looks like one.” She scrunched up her nose. “But I have nothing better to use.” Rey met his eyes. “Do you mind not looking?”

“ _Right_.” He awkwardly covered his eyes and she was fairly certain he was going to peek. Why wouldn’t he?

Rey turned her back to him, feeling self-conscious beneath his _potential_ gaze. She shed her wet clothes as quickly as possible, before pulling on potato sack like gown. “Alright. You can stop pretending you weren’t watching.” She said, turning back around to him.

“I wasn’t looking.”

“Don’t lie.”

“I wasn’t lying.” He held his hands up. “I do have manners. I wasn’t raised in a barn.”

Rey pressed her lips together. “Well…thanks for not looking.” She scooped up their wet clothes and draped them over various pieces of furniture to dry out. The floor was a little more forgiving than the metal grating she’d slept on the better part of her life. But it still wasn’t ideal. She’d gotten used to sleeping in _real_ beds since she joined the Resistance.

But she couldn’t, in good conscious put the injured person on the floor and take the bed, and it was _much_ too small to comfortably share it. Especially with him being naked under there.

She’d live.

“See you when we wake up.” Kylo said as he laid his head down on his pillow, one eye trained on her as she moved to make her bed on the floor. “Are you sure you’ll be fine?”

“It’s for the best, Kylo.”

He was quiet for a long moment, before he finally broke the silence amidst the rain. “You can call me Ben.”

                                                                                                                                            


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well.... this chapter finally delivers the smut.

Even though Rey had gone through the motions of going to sleep, she couldn’t get herself to that place. Kylo – _Ben_ – had had no issues with going to sleep. It seemed like seconds after he’d dropped an explosive five word sentence, he was lights out.

She watched him sleep. He looked so peaceful; the muscles of his face had relaxed and he no longer had that hardened expression he often wore. He looked younger, somehow, without the weight of full-consciousness pressing him down.

 _Ben_.

Rey was at a loss about his sudden change of heart. Was it just the fact that he was exhausted and talking crazy? Or did he mean it? Did he _really_ want her to call him Ben. To accept that he _wasn’t_ just the name he’d given himself. That there was still some part of him that possessed the potential to be _good_ , to embrace the light side of the Force.

She wouldn’t know until he woke up.

It was still raining. In fact, it was raining _harder_ than it had been when they settled in to sleep. With their luck, Rey figured, they’d ended up during the rainy season and all the Devaronians had sought higher ground. At least they’d found suitable shelter. But it wouldn’t hold up forever. Especially if it kept getting worse outside.

Rey threw back her cover, moving to sit up cross-legged. If she couldn’t sleep, she’d mediate. Master Luke had taught her the importance of meditation – or he’d used meditation to avoid actually training her. Regardless, she’d gotten used to meditating and after the way Kylo had unsettled her, she needed all the meditation she could get.

She fell into her usual mindspace, processing the events of the day, stowing away details that would be needed and discarding those that were only weighing down her mind. The rainfall helped to strengthen her imagined surroundings. The sea air was crisp and cool against her skin, such a vivid place of her imagination. She’d been there so many times, even before she’d found Master Luke and he’d taught her the art of mediation. Of letting go.

 _Rey_.

Her eyes snapped open and her beautiful serene seaside crashed back down into reality. “You’re awake.” She said, meeting his gaze. “I thought I was being quiet.”

“You were being very quiet.” He turned onto his back, rubbing his hand over his face. “The rain woke me up.”

“You could have let me keep mediating.”

He chuckled. “Where’s the fun in mediating? Did Luke teach you that?” He turned his head to look at her, smiling wryly. “Mediation is a waste of time.”

Rey had to bite her tongue to keep from making a snide remark. Perhaps if he’d mediated more, he wouldn’t be in the position he was in now. But given what he’d said before he’d fallen asleep, she didn’t want to say something that would cause him to retreat. “I’ll remember that from now on. Ben doesn’t enjoy it when I mediate. He thinks it’s a waste of time.” She widened her eyes dramatically.

His brows rose upwards. “What did you _call_ me?”

Rey glanced down. “ _Ben_. It’s what you asked me to call you.”

“So I did.” He sighed heavily. She didn’t have to be watching him to know that he was turning to face away from her.

“Did you mean it?” Rey questioned, warily lifting her eyes to look at the back of his head. “Do you _want_ me to call you Ben?” She reached out to sense his emotions, feeling the sickening feeling of guilt weighing low in her stomach. “Ben is the name that carries the shame. It’s the name that makes you feel.”

“Get out of my mind Rey.” Kylo gritted out.

“If you actually wanted me out of your mind, Ben, then you’d force me out. But you’re not. _Why_?” She questioned, keeping her mind firmly lodged amidst his thoughts. His mind was a dark place, a scary place, one bathed in the red glow of his lightsaber (or blood, she wasn’t sure).

“I’m weak Rey, perhaps I don’t have the strength to stave off your attacks.” He rubbed at his temples. “Please Rey, I can feel where you’re digging. Unless you wish to watch me murder innocent Younglings and Padawans, you should stop now.”

Rey gasped as she pulled out of his mind, the emotions of what she had seen were almost too much for her. She could fear the tears burning in her eyes and her stomach twisting into knots of frustration. “Oh Ben.”

“You sound like my mother when you say it like that.” He hissed out. “Now do you realize that I deserve to die, Rey?”

“No you don’t.”

“You’ve just witnessed me killing innocent children and I was, at that point, only breaking free of that name – _Ben Solo_. How can you still believe that I deserve to live?”

Rey frowned, rising up off the floor. “Because you were being seduced to the dark side. Snoke was corrupting you. Twisting you and forcing you – ”

“No one _forced_ me to kill them Rey. Snoke told me what I had to do, to make him believe that I was worthy to be his apprentice. He courted me, groomed me, and then let me loose to make a choice. That choice was the dark side.”

“If it was your choice to choose the dark side, then you can still choose the light side. That’s how choices work. You have a new one, right here, right now.” She moved to the side of the bed, forcing him to look at her that way. “Please, Ben. There’s still hope for you still.”

He clenched his fists at his sides, sitting up in the bed so he could glare at her appropriately. “Why do you care so much? If you were trained in the art of the Jedi appropriately, I wouldn’t still be alive.”

Rey didn’t really think through her next set of actions. Instead of answering him, she moved closer to the bed, her eyes locked on his – reading him. Her heart was pounding in her chest so hard, she knew he had to hear it, he had to feel the waves washing over her. The feelings that were all focused on him.

She all but pounced onto him, climbing onto the bed with him, straddling his hips in a very _unRey_ way. She couldn’t explain _why_ she cared so much, but she did. Deep down, she cared more about him than she had any right to, given all that he had done.

“Rey, what are you doing?” He questioned, his voice wavering as his hands rested at her hips uncertainly. His cheeks were flushed with color, lashes fluttering as he looked up at her. She was acutely aware of the fact that only the sheet separated them from each other.

 Rey skimmed her hands over the planes of his chest, careful not to put too much pressure on any of his injuries. If she hadn’t healed his leg she wouldn’t be doing this. She shouldn’t have been doing it regardless of his leg, but she _wanted_ to. As wrong as it was, it felt right.

“What do you think I’m doing?” She questioned hotly, cupping his cheek as she leaned in to kiss him. It was undeniable, the way he filled her with a desire that pooled low in her belly and made her burn down to her very core.

Kylo groaned against her lips, his tongue darting out to find hers. He kissed with more assuredness than he had before. His fingers tangled in her messy hair, cradling the back of her head as he leaned into the kiss.

Rey ground her hips downwards, relishing in the way he inhaled sharply, rocking upwards into the contact. He was hard beneath the sheet and the friction of grinding against him, made her wantonly moan against his lips.

“ _Rey_.” Kylo hissed out, breaking away from the kiss, his breathing ragged and unsteady. “Why are you doing this?” His hands dropped to her hips, his lashes fluttering as he searched her face.

She pressed her lips together as she stared down at him. _Why_? That was a very good question. There were a dozen reasons she could give him that evaded the truth, which was that she felt something for him. Maybe she just felt something for him because she’d seen him at his lowest point, she’d seen the monster she’d fought stripped down to a broken man. She wasn’t blind either, he was attractive and it had been awhile for her.

“You’re so convinced that you’re going to die.” Rey said, her voice wavering as she met his hazel eyes. “This might be our last chance to make sure you don’t die a virgin.”

Kylo arched a brow. “I thought you said you didn’t believe I’d be put to death.

“ _Exactly_.” Rey flashed him a wry grin, scarping her nails over his scalp as she leaned in and kissed him again. He could do with that statement what he will. Rey was fully aware that after this their dynamic would completely change. A handful of kisses were easier to dismiss than mounting a war criminal and riding him into the bed.

“ _This_ ,” Kylo said, tugging at the garment she’d put on, “needs to come off. I don’t want my first time to be with a sack of potatoes.”

Rey laughed heartily, nipping at his bottom lip. “Then take it off. Don’t expect me to do _all_ the work.”

He drew the fabric up her hips, his eyes fixed on the point where she was straddling his cock above the sheet. He didn’t seem to know where to look as he pulled the garment off, flickering between her bare chest and the apex of her thighs.

“I’m dreaming aren’t I?” He questioned, drawing in a shaky breath. “One of the wounds is infected and I’m hallucinating in a fever.” Kylo brushed his hands over her sides. “This can’t be real.”

His awestruck face made her feel less self-conscious about sitting astride Kylo Ren – _naked_.

“It’s real.” Rey said gently, leaning in to kiss him again. “You can touch me.” She mumbled against his lips, encouraging his hands to move higher to cup her breasts. His hands were smoother than her own, which were calloused from years of work.

Kylo broke away from the kiss, dragging his lips along her jawline. “If you keep grinding against me like that, this is going to be over embarrassingly fast.” He told her, his voice low and gravely as he raked his thumbs over her nipples. “Like that?”

“Just like that.” Rey assured him, stilling her hips at his request. She definitely didn’t want this over with before it even started. “So you have, at least, touched _yourself_ to the end, right?”

“ _Yes_.” He drawled out, pulling back to look up at her better. “I know how to get myself off, but I’ve never… done it with someone else.”

“Well neither have I.” Rey retorted, rolling her eyes. “I mean, I’ve had sex, a decent amount, but… I’ve only gotten myself off alone.”

“Why?”

Rey laughed. “Most men don’t really care if the girl they’re with gets off.” She brushed her thumb over his bottom lip. “We’ll talk about that at a later date.”

Kylo shook his head, “If we’re going to do this, I want you to _enjoy_ it too.”

Her brows knit together as she stared down at him. “I can honestly say that I didn’t expect Kylo Ren to be the giving type.” She said more than a little incredulous.

“I don’t know, he might surprise you.” He smiled a little, rocking his hips beneath her, clearly enjoying the way she inhaled sharply. “Ben Solo would though. That I know for certain.”

Rey leaned down and kissed him. “I might be able to show _Ben_ a thing or two about getting a lady off in bed.” She took hold of one of his hands as she sat back, bringing it to rest at her lower stomach. She rose up on her knees so she was no longer pressed against his cock, giving his hand more room. “It’s not unlike getting yourself off, really. Instead of gripping your cock and stroking like that, you’re rubbing at a little bundle of nerves and stroking sensitive flesh.”

Kylo nodded thoughtfully, watching their hands as she guided his lower down her stomach. “Show me how you touch yourself.”

Rey’s cheeks burned hot. She released his hand, her fingers sliding down between her legs, stroking over her sensitive slick folds. She drew in a shaky breath as her fingertips ghosted over her clit. “ _Ben_.” Her eyes fell closed, feeling a little overwhelmed looking down at him when he was looking at her like _that_.

She pressed a single digit into herself, keening softly in response. She was worked up and while her own fingers were scratching the itch, it wasn’t what she craved. “Touch me dammit.” She hissed out. “ _Please_.”

Kylo chewed on his bottom lip as he watched her, before he slipped his hand between her thighs, pushing her fingers away as he took over their teasing. “You’re so wet.” He commented as he brushed his fingertips over her clit, circling the little nub – studying her response to each stroke and touch.

“You only have yourself to blame for that.” She told him, her eyes hot as they held his gaze. It was _Ben_ , not Kylo beneath her. That same youthful innocence etched into his features, instead of the malevolent expression he often wore. “That’s it.” Rey urged him as his fingers teased over her center, “ _Yes_. Press them into me Ben.”

He groaned as he pressed two fingers into her. “Like this?”

Rey nodded her head, her eyes falling closed. His fingers felt like _heaven_ to her – better than her own and surely better than anything else she’d experienced yet. They were long and agile and he seemed to innately know exactly how to touch her. Her legs ached a little as she started to rock against his fingers, fucking herself on them. “That’s it. _Oh_.” His thumb brushed over her clit as worked his fingers in and out of her.

“You’re so gorgeous Rey.” He drawled out lowly. “Stars above.”

Rey cried out unabashedly as her release hit so suddenly that she wasn’t even able to tell him she was going to come shattering apart around his fingers. She pressed her palms against his chest as she slumped forward.

“Oh gods did I hurt you?” He whispered, his hands trembling as they curled around her hips.

“ _No_!” Rey couldn’t help but laugh as she claimed his lips. Her fingers delved into his hair as she all but devoured his mouth. She fumbled with the sheet that was separating them, not wanting to wait _any_ longer. “Get in me Ben.”

Ben moved beneath her to help her get the cover down further, his fingers curling around his cock, hissing out her name as she lowered herself onto him slowly. “You feel so much better than I imagined.” He rasped out.

“You imagined me, did you?”

“ _Maybe_.” His lips parted with a breathy groan as she lowered herself onto him almost completely, before pulling away and driving downwards again.

He felt so incredibly good. He filled her in ways that had been previously unthinkable to her. It no longer felt wrong, because he felt so perfect within her. She could feel him – _fully_. It was the force ebbing and flowing between them, heightening their pleasure as they felt it together. Her entire existence felt on edge and so did his. Together they were rising higher and higher, steadily reaching the peak together.

Rey tugged at his hair as he trailed his mouth down the column of her throat. He was a fast learner, teasing at places he’d discovered she enjoyed being touch. His body arching upwards with every downward drive.

Ben let out a slew of curses in languages Rey wasn’t even vaguely aware of. His body went rigid beneath hers as his release hit. He made it longer than she’d expected, honestly. She was used to not getting her own, to get the somewhat pleasant climb, only to plateau instead of plummet. But not this time. Not with him.

Rey planted her palms firmly on his chest as she ground her hips downwards, no longer able to force herself up and down, feeling a little boneless as her release hit. It was blinding and she swore she saw stars behind her eyelids. Her body clenched around him as he softened within her.

She collapsed atop him, vaguely aware of a pained groan escaping him when the pressure of her resting atop him probably rubbed one of the injuries on his back the wrong way. Honestly, she’d been impressed he hadn’t complained yet.

“Oh,” Rey started as she let out an exhausted sigh. “Now I think I’m going to be able to sleep.” She started to get up but his arms were curled possessively around her.

“ _Stay_.”

“Aren’t I crushing you?” She questioned, trying to squirm out of his insistent hold.

“A little, but I’ll live.” He chuckled softly. “That was well worth the wait.”

“Glad I could show you a good time.” Rey pressed her face against his neck, her toes curling as she stretched out her aching legs.

Well, she’d done it. She’d gone and _massively_ fucked up. Quite literally. When they found their way back to the Resistance, it wouldn’t be as simple as delivering a prisoner to them. There were deep seated emotions that clouded her judgement. But how could she deny that he’d shown her a side of him that more than likely hadn’t been seen for a _long_ time.

Then again there was always a chance that this was his way of gaining her trust to manipulate his freedom and escape from owning up to his fate.

Either way they shared something that was harder to pretend didn’t happen. A few kisses could be dismissed as exhaustion or lunacy, but _this_. She’d practically climbed him like a tree and took him like a Queen on her throne.

She should have been ashamed, but she was too tired to care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter surprised me. It wasn't that I couldn't hold back the slow burn any longer, but that they had both reached a point where it had to happen or the following chapters wouldn't fall into place in the same fashion. I think they're both very primal needs people and this was a way to lay themselves bare and understand one another. It's definitely changed everything now. 
> 
> Thank you all for your comments - they mean so much!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I um... I can't even apologize for the gracious smut that starts out this chapter. I fear that from here on out there's going to be angst.

Rey opened her eyes slowly, taking in her surroundings. Her sleep patterns were completely screwed up thanks to the last three missions the Resistance had sent her on and the rain outside the window wasn’t helping. Sex, however, had apparently been the miracle cure to letting go and relaxing.

Ben was sound asleep beneath her, snoring softly, looking _too_ handsome for his own good. Despite the crimes his hands had committed, she loved how used them to possessively hold her, like he didn’t _want_ to let her go. Even though he was sound asleep, one part of his anatomy was _very_ awake and pressed against her stomach.

She couldn’t believe that she’d been his _first_. He was so incredibly handsome and when he was being himself he was witty and charming and everything that should have had women chasing after him. Except for the whole _dark side_ part of him. But it was harder to see that part of him now. Now, she saw a man that – given different circumstances – she would have _really_ liked.

Rey shifted atop him slightly, letting his cock rub against her stomach as she moved down his body a little. He groaned softly but continued sleeping, which didn’t surprise her at all. He was new to all of this and given how soundly she’d slept after getting off, he’d probably sleep a little longer still.

She pressed an open mouthed kiss over his nipple, swirling her tongue teasingly over the little peak. She watched the way his face contorted as though he were having a _very_ good dream without realization that it was very much reality.

Her hands skimmed lightly over his abs, not wanting to rouse him quite yet. Rey moved down his long body until she came face-to-face with his cock. In the heat of the moment before she hadn’t really gotten a _good_ look at it. She’d just known that it filled her more so than she’d ever been filled before and she was definitely going to be feeling it for _a while_.

She brushed her fingers down the trail of dark hair on his lower stomach that led down to it, curling her fingers lightly around the base of his cock. There was no way in hell she was going to be able to take it all in, but she’d do her damnedest to give him the best wake up he would _ever_ have. They’d already come this far, why not go a little further?

Rey’s lips parted and her tongue darted out to taste the little bead of moisture at the head of his cock. She watched his lips formed an ‘O’ and he very hotly moaned out her name in his sleep. She dragged her fingers along his shaft as she took the head into her mouth, her tongue swirling around it.

Ben’s eyes snapped open, his fingers scrambling for purchase in the sheets beneath him. “ _Rey_. What the fuck are you doing?” His eyes were still heavy with sleep, but now they were dark with desire as he looked down to see her mouth wrapped around his cock.

In lieu of response she took him in further, her fingers curling around him where she couldn’t go. He was hitting the back of her throat, robbing her of oxygen in a way that had desire racing to her core.

Slowly she drew back up his shaft until she threatened to release him completely from her mouth, only to take him in once more. The look of pleasure on his face was worth it all. He was completely enraptured by what she was doing.

Rey took her time, torturing him with her languid pace and the teasing of her fingers at his balls, and the way she hollowed her cheeks and pressed her tongue along the bottom of his cock. His fingers tugged at her hair, making her scalp throb with pain that only added to her pleasure.

He didn’t last nearly as long as she would have liked. She’d have sucked him off all morning, just to get off on the look of pleasure on his face that empowered her so. She was certain that some women viewed this as depredating, but there was something insanely powerful about leaving a man wordless while on your knees or between his legs. And with Ben, knowing that this was the first he’d ever experienced, her body was practically humming with desire for her own release.  

Ben covered his face with his pillow as he came down from the high. She flopped down beside him on the bed a smug grin plastered to her lips. “ _Good morning_. Or whatever time it is.” She remarked.

Rey’s hands skimmed over her own naked body, seeking a release for the pent of desire she’d caused for herself. She tweaked her nipples, as she pressed a little closer to him. “ _Ben_. Why aren’t you watching?”

He pulled the pillow off his face, brows knit together in confusion. He stared at her blankly for a few seconds before he followed the path of her hand as it slipped between her thighs. He licked his lips slowly as he watched her fingers working over her flesh, the sound of them thrusting into her wet core was the only sound aside from the rain in that moment.

Rey’s back arched and she moaned unabashedly. Her eyes locked with his as she watched him watching her. She’d never really had the opportunity to explore sex in this fashion. She’d had it on Jakku, but sex had been a bargaining chip – not something to savor and enjoy with _one_ person.

She wanted to savor and enjoy it with Ben.  

“What can I do?” Ben questioned, his gaze dropping to where her fingers worked, a hungry sort of look on his face.

Rey pulled her fingers away, stopping herself right on the edge of a release that made her skin burn hot and feel too tight for her body. “You could always return the favor.” She said lowly, spreading her legs apart wider. “I’m keen to see what that mouth of yours can do.”

His brows shot upwards. “What do I do?”

“For starters, your head needs to be between my legs.”

“I know _that_ much, I’ve read.” He said with no small amount of sass.

Rey chewed on her bottom lip as she watched him move to rest between her legs. She was aching for the release she hadn’t allowed herself. The fact that he was _so_ eager to get her off was exhilarating. He was a man among many in that department. He was a definite giver.

“It’s a little like kissing, but with more tongue, and I encourage you to use your fingers.” Rey explained, looking down at him as he studied her. His fingers were trailing over her inner thighs, making her stomach burn with desire.

Ben was a quick study. He dragged a finger between her slick folds, spreading them apart before dipping down to tease his tongue over her clit. Fire fanned low in her belly as she bit her lip to keep from moaning already. She was tempted to. His tongue felt like heaven. This was new territory for her as well.

“That’s it Ben.” She encouraged, combing her fingers through his messy hair. His tongue probed at her center, still a little achy from riding him earlier, but all of that was forgotten at the pleasure his mouth brought her.

Rey pressed her feet firmly against the mattress, rolling her hips in response to his mouth, his tongue was a marvelous thing. She couldn’t hold back from moaning any longer, the sound loud in the quiet hut. His fingers joined his mouth, thrusting two long digits into her.

It took so little to make her come undone.

His fingers curved upwards, hitting some spot within her that she hadn’t even known _really_ existed. She’d heard about it, but honestly – she hadn’t believed in it. But Ben’s long fingers seemed designed to make her come and it was all she could do to keep from _screaming_ when it hit. He didn’t relent either. His fingers worked in and out of her and his tongue stayed fixed on her clit as he pushed her through her release.

Rey stretched her legs out as he pulled back with an impish grin. “ _Wow_.” She breathed out, rubbing her hands over her face. “That was…”

Ben canted his head to the side, “Did you enjoy that? Was that right?” He licked his lips, moving to lay down beside her.

“That was _very_ good. I see what all the fuss about that is now.”

“You’ve never…?”

Rey shook her head. “No. There was never a time or place to do that with someone. Like I said, it was never about _my_ pleasure.” She brushed her thumb over his bottom lip. “You were good at it though, for what it’s worth. _Really_ good.”

“Well, _thank you_.” He grinned, leaning in to kiss her, stopping just shy of her lips. “You probably don’t want you smeared all over your lips, do you?”

Rey laughed. “You’re about to kiss the lips of the woman who just had your cock in her mouth. I don’t care.”

He kissed her then, his mouth slanting over hers.

Rey pulled back with a bright smile. “I need to meditate.”

“ _What_?”

She played her fingers through his hair. “I’ve gotten into the habit of meditating when I wake up. It might be late afternoon, but I should stick to it.” She kissed him again. “You should too.”

“I have no time for silly Jedi meditating.”

“Suit yourself tough guy.” She teased, moving to sit on the floor where her bed had been made. “You can always nap while I meditate.”

“I can’t believe you can meditate after my head was between your thighs.”

Rey crossed her legs, centering herself above her hips. “And your cock was buried in me a half dozen hours ago, but life goes on.” She quipped. “And maybe, when I’m done meditating, it’ll be there again.” She opened one eye to look at him. “Now _shhh_ , I need to meditate.”

“Fine.” He laughed and she could hear as he flopped back onto the mattress, turning onto his side. She wasn’t sure if he was watching her or not, but it all sort of faded away as she sank into her meditative state.

She needed to process the past few hours. If and when she encountered Master Luke again, she had a feeling he was going to be _very_ disappointed in her for letting emotions influence her judgement. But it felt right to be with Ben like this, at least right now while they were sheltered by their current situation. Perhaps when they returned to the Resistance, sense would return to her and she’d realize sleeping with the enemy was a terrible mistake. She’d take time and find some mythical inner peace and move on from it. But right now, she was going to enjoy it and no one was even here to shame her over it.

Rey meditated until Ben broke the silence.

“You should have turned the distress beacon on before we left.” Ben said, “I’m sure they think you’re fine.”

Rey shrugged her shoulders, slowly opening her eyes. She wasn’t likely to meditate anymore now. “The distress beacon would have done us no good. Diverting any power to that, instead of the core functions would have us returning to a very dead ship.” She shook her head. “Besides, my absence has probably been noted. The mission wasn’t supposed to last _this_ long. But they’ll look for me on Mustafar not here.”

Ben’s brows knit together. “And when they finally find us, we’ll have already been washed away by the rainy season.”

Rey frowned. “I’m hoping they find us before them.”

He patted the bed beside him, “Come here Rey.” Ben said warmly, “I want to talk to you. About something other than the weather.”

Rey moved to sit beside him, “We _were_ talking.” She said sassily. “This better not be another conversation about how certain you are that you’re going to be put to death. I _really_ don’t want to hear it again.” She settled into his side as he curled his arm around her, her hand resting on his chest.

Ben turned to press a kiss to the top of her head. “In a sense, it is _unfortunately_ about my future end.” He sighed heavily and she could feel the hatred and anguish pouring off of him.

“What’s wrong?” Rey lifted her hand to cup his cheek, rubbing her thumb over the rise of her cheekbone.

“I’ve heard from Snoke.”

Rey stiffened. “ _What_?” Her hand dropped away from his face and she could see the pain written all over his face when she did. “How?”

Ben removed his arm from around her, covering his face as he leaned his elbows against his knees. “Don’t look at me like that Rey, _please_.”

“How have you heard from Snoke?” Rey questioned again, noting the fact that he’d avoided answering her. She felt sick to her stomach and she wasn’t sure if it was her emotions or his spilling over that made her feel this way.

He sat up, his eyes flickering to her, like he was uncertain if he’d like what he saw. “He has _always_ had a seat in my mind, Rey. But for the last few months, through my abuse, he has been silent.”

“And now he’s talking to you again?”

Ben nodded.

Rey moved to get off the bed, but Ben pulled her back down. “Let go of me.”

“Let me _talk_.” He gritted out, his hold was almost bruising. “Please Rey don’t look at me like that.”

Rey wrenched her arm out of his hold, narrowing her eyes. “You’ve just told me that Snoke is whispering sweet nothings in your ear again. How do you want me to react?”

“I would hope that you would give me a moment to explain.” Ben whispered, raking his fingers through his hair. “When my strength returned I could feel him return. His voice was loud and clear once again. But there’s another voice in my head too. Another master that I serve.”

“Do I even want to know?” Had she made a terrible mistake in saving him? If he was some puppet for Snoke, then she couldn’t take him back to the Resistance. He could be a spy and ruin everything for them and… it would be _her_ fault for trusting him.

“I think you already know who my other master is.”

Her brows knit together as she turned to face him. “ _Me_?” There was no denying the fact that from the moment they met they’d had the most unusual connection, one that Rey couldn’t shake no matter how hard she tried. She had felt connected to Master Luke, as all Force users are – but Ben was so strong that she’d _known_ it meant something.

“You’re louder than Snoke. You’re stronger than Snoke.” Ben reached for her hands. “The dark side is tempting, but not as tempting as you Rey. But _please_ , at the first sign that I have slipped, I want it to be you that takes me out.”  

Rey’s brows furrowed together as she placed her hands on either side of his head. “I don’t want to have to be faced with that choice, Ben. You have to _fight_. You are stronger than you think.” She ran her thumb over the scar that marred his face before leaning in to kiss him. “Don’t let him win.”

“I _won’t_. I’ll fight as hard as I can. If only for _us_.” He curled his arms around her, crushing her to his chest. “We need to keep moving. Rain or no rain we can’t stay here and get complacent in our fate.” He pulled back and met her eyes. “I noticed that the old woman that lived here had a calendar with yesterday marked on it. I believe the village moved to higher ground in preparation for the beginning of the rains. If we move further inland towards the high ground, we might encounter the supplies we need.”

Rey nodded, searching his eyes. “We’re almost home Ben.” She kissed him soundly on the lips before unwinding herself from his arms. Her heart ached for him. She could see how torn his mind was, how threatening Snoke’s presence was for both of them. But he was strong – stronger with _her_ and they’d fight it. Together they’d find a way to dislodge Snoke from his mind indefinitely.

She moved to stand up, stretching her arms above her head before moving to where their clothes were strewn about drying. Thankfully a day of sleep had given them ample time to dry out.

Ben looked pensive as he sat on the bed, watching her move about the small hut. She could feel that his emotions freeing flowing to her. He felt longing and sadness and it confused her wholly. She met his hazel eyes as she handed him his pants, her brows furrowing together as she sought an answer wordlessly.

He _wanted_. It wasn’t just the physical that he longed for, it was the emotional. He longed for a future with _her_ , of all people. But that future was tinged with heartache because he knew deep down that it was a longing that would never be fulfilled. He was too far gone already to be redeemed enough to be afforded some bright, happy future. What sort of message would that send to the Resistance’s allies if they allowed Kylo Ren to have a future that hadn’t been afforded to the men and women he’d killed.

“Show me.”

“ _What_?”

“Show me what you want Ben.” Rey canted her head to the side as she looked down at him.

Ben closed his eyes, exhaling deeply and she did the same. All she could hear at first was the rain still steadily falling against the roof above them. But then the image he was transmitting to her came through vividly. It was like watching a holovid.

Rey glanced to her side and found Ben standing beside her, his expression warm yet almost sheepish as he watched his fantasy come to life before them. It was bright in the room, bathed in the warm sunlight that was coming in through a wall of windows looking out over the most picturesque view she’d ever seen.

“ _Naboo_.” She said with a smile. One mission had taken her there and she’d sworn that if she could settle down _anywhere_ she’d choose Naboo. The weather was mild and the scenery was breathtaking.

“Indeed.” Ben said with a nod, reaching for her hand. “Look.”

Rey was taken aback by the scene she saw. His fantasy of her stood before them with her hand resting on her swollen stomach, informing two small children that they couldn’t spar in the house. The boy looked like Ben. He was probably no older than six or seven. The girl was the spitting image of her, with a neat and somewhat complicate braid of brown hair looped up on the back of her head. She was older than the boy, closer to nine and half a head taller than him.

Ben appeared in the doorway, his laugh warming Rey to her soul and it was apparent it had the same effect on her fantasy incarnation. He chastised the children playfully for stressing out their mother. But he promised that once their siblings were born and Rey was feeling up to it again, they could watch them spar like old times.

“ _This_ is what you want?” Rey questioned, chewing on her bottom lip as she watched herself interacting with Ben in the scene. They were _so_ happy. Neither of them seemed to have a care in the world except their children. They verbally sparred and teased and kissed – which made their children run off with an _eww_ of protest.

“And I have no right to want it.”

“You want me barefoot and pregnant, huh?” She teased lightly.

“If they spared my life I doubt the Resistance would let me stay with them. I’d be exiled and if you chose to come with me… We wouldn’t be able to fight with them, we’d have to grow accustomed to a quiet life like this.” He released his hold on her hand, crossing his arms across his chest.

“It’s a very idyllic situation.”

Ben frowned. “I know. I doubt with my own upbringing that I’d be able to provide such a warm home for anyone.” His shoulders sagged as the continued watching his fantasy situation. Rey was stretched out on the sofa and he was kneeling at her side with his cheek pressed against her stomach, talking to the babies in her belly.

Rey stepped closer to Ben and rested her cheek against his shoulder, “I don’t even remember my parents Ben. I think I’m the one that would be incapable of this.”

“My parents always fought. I believe they had once been a fine match, in a time of war when emotions were high. But when things settled after Endor and they had me, their footing crumbled beneath them. Before they sent me away with Master Luke they had just had a _terrible_ fight. Both of them were so quick to anger with each other. I was young and I believed that it was my fault that they were always fighting. My uncle worked with me separate from the other Younglings to help me overcome that feeling. It made me imbalanced in the Force.”

“That’s why this is such a serene fantasy. It’s the lifestyle you wish you could have had.” She frowned, reaching her hand up to play with the hair at the back of his head. “If we _do_ end up like this someday, I’ll do everything in my power to make it a _happy_ home Ben.” Rey promised him. “But we have a long way to go until then.”

“I realize it’s a lot to put on your shoulders.” Ben shook his head. “And so soon.”

She could agree with him there. “It’s _very_ soon to be having thoughts like this, but… I understand. I _do_. There is a bond between us that runs deeper than anything I’ve ever felt. It goes beyond just being connected as Force users.”

Ben pulled them out of his fantasy. “It’s unfortunate that that bond would not be enough to persuade the Resistance to spare me. I’m sure they regard you highly and if you were bound to me so intrinsically…” He looked away. “It wouldn’t sway them.”

“We won’t know until we get back.” Rey said, putting her hands on his shoulders. “But right now, we need to get dressed, and head out into that mess.” She pressed a kiss to his forehead. It _was_ a lot to have resting on her shoulders. It was terrifying, honestly. She’d never even pictured herself having a family with anyone, it was never a fantasy of hers.

But Ben’s fantasy felt so real to her, like something they _could_ have, that she was certain it had become her own little fantasy. She couldn’t let it cloud her judgement. Especially not after what he’d told her about Snoke. He was a ticking time bomb. As much as she cared about him, she had to remain impartial. If he did turn on her she would have to kill him and she couldn’t let the fear of losing him hold her back from protecting the greater good.

 _This_ was why Jedi didn’t form attachments. She understood now. That had to be why Master Luke had sought exile, rather than to be the one to kill his own nephew because of the dark side. As close to Ben as she believed herself to be, she knew the dark side would be a wall between them for a _very_ long time.

His transformation had come almost as quickly as the rain had. And just like the weather it had the potential to break and give way to the unpredictable.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly I don't really know what this chapter is. It's definitely the filler chapter before things kick in to high gear, but it was a necessary evil. I hope you enjoy it.

“At least it’s not cold.” Ben remarked as they trudged through the jungle. The rain hadn’t let up whatsoever and the ground was incredibly muddy beneath their feet. They were both soaked to the bone and covered in mud up to their knees.

“Why?” Rey questioned, straining her eyes to see him past the rain that was practically blinding her.

“Most of the time when you get wet and cold you end up sick.” He explained. “Have you ever been sit?”

“I caught a nasty strain of the Iona virus from a Toydarian corpse when I was pilfering his possessions.”

“His _corpse_?”

“He was already dead when I found him.” Rey said quickly. “They’re nasty bastards, I was glad he was dead.”

“They’re slugs with wings.”

Rey scoffed. “Trust me, they’re _nasty_.”

“You didn’t…?”

Rey shot him a look through the rain. “I’d rather be dead.” She shuttered. “Just the thought makes me want to hurl.” She rolled her eyes. “That’s the only time I’ve been sick though. Have you been sick?”

“I had mild colds as a child. Once I contracted a severe lung infection from a failed training mission Master Luke sent me and several other Padawans on. I didn’t fail – _they_ did and I paid the price for their folly.”

“Easy there.” Rey said, reaching for his hand. “I can feel your rage. We don’t need you feeling that way right now.”

“Right.”

They fell quiet again, focused on the journey before them. Rey kept herself firmly lodged in his mind though, offering him a reprieve from Snoke’s attempts at getting him back. He’d said that her voice was louder and she was determined to keep it that way. She joined him that fantasy of his, where everything was peaceful and calm and _beautiful_. It was an easy way to keep his emotions in check.

He radiated with joy when he watched them in his fantasy.

Rey could always feel when Snoke was trying to invade. Ben would hold her hand tighter and walk a little faster, like he was trying to escape from his grasp. She couldn’t even begin to imagine what it felt like for him. She’d hated the way it had felt when _Kylo_ had interrogated her, probing at her mind. Did Snoke feel that way too? Or was it a more hostile attack?

“We’re almost there.” Rey said. She had to let go of his hand to keep from falling flat on her face as she lost her footing in a particularly slick patch of mud. But he caught her, pulling her back to her feet.

“Are you okay?” Ben questioned.

Rey nodded. “I’m more concerned with how soaked I am.” She laughed, pushing back the strands of hair that stuck to her cheeks. “I think I can see some sort of building up ahead.”

“A temple?” Ben reached for her hand again, holding it tightly. “Now that I’ve had more time to think about this planet, I think I remember my uncle mentioning the Temple of Eedit on Devaron.”

“And you couldn’t have remembered that _earlier_?” She rolled her eyes. “Better late than never.” Rey strained her eyes she looked upwards, “Let’s hope this is where the villagers went. Otherwise, we’ve made this journey for nothing but sightseeing.”

“At least we’ll be able to use temple for shelter, if nothing else.” Ben said as they continued on the last leg of the journey.

The temple jutted upwards towards the heavens. For as primitive as their village had appeared, their temple was far more advanced than Rey expected it to be. There were four round towers surrounding a larger tower at the center. She couldn’t tell how high they reached upwards without blinding herself with the rain.

“ _Wow_.” Rey whispered, “I thought it would have been a lot less impressive.”

Ben chuckled, “I’ve definitely seen drawings of this place. I think during the Clone Wars it was partially destroyed.” His brows knit together. “Come on, let’s get inside. I can’t stand the rain any longer.”

“We need to be cautious.” Rey said, though her words came a little too late. She barely had time to brace herself as she was struck from behind, sending her careening to the muddy ground beneath her.

Everything went dark.

\---

“Rey, wake up.”

Rey groaned, blinking as she came to. Her head was _throbbing_ and her vision was a little blurry, but she could focus on Ben’s face above her. She grimaced, reaching to touch the back of her head. “What the hell happened?”

“One of the Devaronians knocked us out.” Ben told her, his fingers brushing gently over her cheek. “Would you like me to heal that for you?”

She sat up slowly, pressing her lips together as she felt a wave of nausea. “ _Yes_.” Rey leaned forward, thankful to feel the warmth of his Force flowing through her as it eased the pain. “Are we being held captive?”

“No.” Ben assured her, “Tel’vak was chastised for what he did to us. They thought we were members of the First Order here to take over their temple.”

Rey met his eyes as she sat up. “They don’t _know_?”

“Thankfully not.” Ben smiled at her, “Your color’s back.” He pulled the blanket around her tighter. “I don’t want you to catch a cold.”

“I’m sure I’ll be fine.” Rey said with a smile, curling her arms under the blanket. “Did you figure out if they have the supplies we need?”

Ben’s smile faded. “Unfortunately we’re about a decade late for that kind of technology. After the Battle of Endor they struggled for many years before losing over half of their population. They were forced to retreat to a simpler form of life, like we saw in the village.” He pushed his fingers through his hair.

“Does the temple still have power?”

“It’s the only thing that does.”

Rey rubbed at her eyes, “How long was I out?”

“About an hour.”

She rolled her shoulders before taking her chances with standing up. “I need to look at the control room of the temple. If it was a participant in the Clone Wars, there’s a chance it’s still hard wired to the former Republic’s frequency. I know the Resistance keeps tabs on it.” Rey glanced down at him. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Ben arched a brow. “I wasn’t done explaining our situation here.”

“Should I sit back down?”

“ _Maybe_.”

Rey sighed heavily as she sat back down, tucking her feet beneath her. “Is it bad?”

“Not exactly.” Ben gave a nervous laugh. “Apparently there were prophecies.” He met her eyes as he continued, “Of two people that would come to them from their final rain.”

“That sounds… _ominous_.” Rey made a face. “It sounds like a coincidence to me. I don’t believe in prophecies and all of that.” She waved her hand dismissively.

“You might not believe in it, but they _do_.” Ben rubbed his thumb over his bottom lip. “The only reason I don’t brush it off as mere coincidence is because the prophecy apparently mentioned that these two people would be fashioned of the light _and_ dark side.”

“ _Oh_.” Rey frowned. “Well, we do fit that bill.” She curled her knees up to her chest, resting her chin on her arms. “What else does the prophecy say? I don’t see how we can bring about the final rain. Besides, don’t they _need_ rain? I doubt they want the rain to stop and kill their forest.”

Ben shrugged his shoulders, moving to sit behind her, wrapping his arms around her. “I don’t believe they see it as a _bad_ thing. There was a lot of rambling about the prophecy, I didn't catch all of it. I just know that the rain has been plaguing them since their civilization collapsed. They’re in dire need of supplies and I might have mentioned that we were from the Resistance.”

“ _We_ huh?” She turned her head to look back at him. “If I can get a signal out that I’m here and in need of assistance, you’re willing to come back still, right? You’re not going to decide to stay here and live as their prophetic savior or something?”

Ben rested his chin on her shoulder. “I think we’re a package deal here.” He teased. “But I’ll go back with you, even if that means being rescued by FN-2187.”

“ _Finn_.” Rey widened her eyes dramatically. “You will earn yourself no favors calling him FN-2187.”

“I could always call him _traitor_.”

Rey leaned back against him heavily. “That will get you punched in the face.” She turned her head to look at him. “Why do I feel jealousy pouring off of you?” She didn’t need him to answer, “Were you jealous of Finn?” She tilted her head back and laughed heartily. “Oh my stars. Ben, I am definitely _not_ his type.”

“Really?”

“ _Really_.” She lifted her hand to play with his hair. “And I’m not just saying that to keep you from being jealous. I mean it. You have nothing to worry about.” She pressed a kiss to the underside of his jaw. “Now come on, show me who I need to talk to get to the control room.”

“How are you feeling?”

Rey made a disgusted face as she stood up, “I feel chilled to the core.” She shuttered. “I definitely don’t like the rain. I’d trade it for being too hot on Jakku.”

“You better not get sick on me.”

“I’m trying not to.” She rolled her eyes, letting him leader her into another chamber were several Devaornians were gathered.

They were a rather unusual species. The men had large horns protruding from their foreheads and the women had large dark circles in a similar location. Their skin tones varied between red and green. Rey wasn’t sure if she’d ever seen a Devarorian before on Jakku, though she doubted given their circumstances that she would have.

“Ben was telling me about your planet,” Rey said, reaching for his hand. “I’m sorry to hear that your people have been under such dire circumstance. I hate to bring our time here to an end, but I – _we_ – are on a very important mission for the Resistance. We need to get a call out to base to let them know that we’re stranded.”

“You’re supposed to save us.”

“And… we will. I can get the Resistance to send supply freighters here and we can help you rebuild. I’m certain they’ll understand that you’re in need of help.” She squeezed Ben’s hand tightly as they watched the Devarorians deliberate among them.

_Are you afraid they’ll decline your request?_

Rey glanced sideways at him. _Just a little afraid. That’s all I can offer them, though. The Resistance has limited resources. We can’t waste them._

“We have come to a decision.”

“And?”

“If you can provide us with the resources we need to rebuild, we will allow you to contact your people for help.”

“All I have is my word.” Rey said, chewing on her bottom lip. “When I make contact I’ll have them bring supplies with them to start helping you.” Her shoulders sagged. “As for the rain, I don’t know how to make that stop.”

One of the older female Devarorians spoke up then, “When we were still a thriving planet, our infrastructure altered the atmosphere. When it fell, rain was our plague.”

Rey nodded slowly. “Then perhaps with help rebuilding, the rains will cease.” She pushed her hair behind her ears. “I think the Resistance would like to see you as an ally. We need posts throughout the galaxy to strengthen our forces.”

“We _fear_ the First Order.”

“They will not come here.” She promised. Rey could feel the way Ben tensed beside her, his already pale skin looking paler. _Snoke?_

Ben released her hand, turning away from them.

“Please excuse him. He was injured prior to landing here. He’s still recovering.” Rey followed him out of the room, her heart thudding in her chest. “Ben what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Don’t lie to me.” Rey grabbed his arm, pulling him to a stop. “What’s wrong? Is it Snoke?”

“Of course it is.” Ben clenched his eyes closed. “As soon as I think he might have retreated he rears his ugly head again.” He pulled his arm away from her hold. “Go and do what you have to do. Get the signal out to the Resistance.”

“Come with me.” Rey held her hand out for him but he didn’t take it. “Ben, I swear to the gods don’t do this. Whatever he’s saying to you – ignore it.”

“It’s not that simple Rey.” Ben insisted, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Yes it is.” Rey said firmly. “Listen to me. Think about that fantasy of yours, Ben. If you don’t resist Snoke, there is _no_ chance of that happening. I don’t want to return to being enemies with you.”

Ben’s eyes snapped open. “I don’t want to be your enemy either. I much prefer our new alternative.” He exhaled heavily. “He’s trying to tempt me with power. Promises of returning me to my place at his right hand. He keeps reminding me that if I return with you to the Resistance that I will die. He makes convincing arguments.” He laughed bitterly.

She narrowed her eyes. “And how do you know he doesn’t just want you back so he can kill you to ensure that you don’t give the Resistance secrets from the First Order? Did that not cross your mind? I know you’re nearly healed now, but don’t forget that you were half dead when I found you. He only returned to you when I became a more tempting offer.”

Ben frowned. “You’re right. He’s tempting me back to slaughter me.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “Don’t let me go Rey.”

“I won’t.” Rey promised him, moving to take him into her arms, which she was sure was a rather awkward looking embrace because he was so much taller than her. “Come on, let’s go up to the control room. The sooner we get up there, the sooner we can get out of here.”

Ben let out a shaky exhale. “Let’s ask them where we go.”

Rey was growing less and less sure of Ben’s ability to withstand Snoke. She could feel the war within him that was tearing him apart. He was damned whichever way he turned. Snoke had made sure of that.

Death was looming over whichever side he chose.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter happened way faster than I expected. I completely blame my friend Diana (starzangelus) for the first half of this chapter being in Poe's point of view as well as credit to her for a few of the lines. The second half is Ben. I feel these two POVs will be important in coming chapters. I'm still not sure exactly where this is going. I'm an organic writer, I let each chapter happen as I go. I don't plan far ahead.
> 
> I will warn you, if you are at all bothered by panic attacks there's a part in the second section that focuses on one. It was my interpretation of what they feel like from the handful of them I've had in the past few years.

**[Transmission Received]**

\---

“Hold tight you two, it’s going to be a shaky landing.” Poe informed Finn and Chewie as they moved to strap themselves into the jumpseats behind him. “Rey wasn’t kidding about this rain.”

“Well if there’s any pilot who could stick the landing – it’s _you_.” Finn commended, patting the back of his seat.

“Yeah, well, I think it’s going to be less of sticking the landing and more of sliding into the landing.” Poe laughed, glancing back at him before turning his attention back to landing the ship. Rey’s communication hadn’t been very thorough, they honestly had no idea what they were getting themselves into.

She’d crash landed on Devaron after succeeding at her mission. It was pissing rain. The people needed aid from the Resistance. And she needed new reactors and a serpentine connector for the Millennium Falcon.

But she’d neglected to mention much more on the Kylo Ren front, which was suspicious to Poe. Typically Rey was forthcoming about her missions, but he doubted her short conversation had anything to do with limited time in getting the broadcast out. For all they knew they could have been walking straight into a trap.

“Maybe she killed him.”

“What?” Poe questioned, turning back to look at Finn.

“Kylo Ren. Maybe she killed him.”

“That was exactly what I was wondering.” Poe chuckled with a shake of his head. “Sometimes you make me wonder Finn. You reading my mind or something?”

Chewie made a snide remark about the pair of them needing to get a room, which made _both_ of them roll their eyes.

Poe put down the land gears, gripping the navigation tightly as he lowered them as gently as possible onto the old landing platform near the temple. It had seen better days and he didn’t power down completely until he was certain that it wasn’t going to crumble beneath them.

“I knew you could do it!” Finn said, clapping him on the shoulder, before heading to get the supplies together.

“They don’t call me the best for nothing.” Poe said with a laugh, rubbing the back of his neck. “Let’s go see what sort of mess Rey’s gotten herself into.

Finn grabbed up the Mandalorian shackles they’d been given by General Organa, just in case Rey hadn’t killed Kylo Ren like they had planned. They were Force resistant and should contain him on the flight back to the Resistance.

“If she didn’t kill him, I can’t decide if I want him to rot in a cell somewhere or be put to death.” Finn said as he keyed in the code to lower the lift door.

“I don’t think we’re going to need those.” Poe remarked, looking past Finn as the door lowered. Though they were a few hundred feet away from them, he could make out Rey standing beside Kylo Ren and he looked particularly _not_ like he remembered him from his interrogation.

“Why?” Finn looked down at the shackles. “General Organa told us to use them if Rey hadn’t _neutralized_ Kylo Ren.”

Poe clicked his tongue against his teeth. “I think he and Rey are together.”

“Well of course they’re _together_! She caught him after all.” Finn followed Poe’s line of sight, looking past the torrential rain to make out their figures in the distance. “I can’t believe she’s just standing next to him like he’s not even a threat. Do you think she did some Jedi mindtrick on him?”

“I think they’re _together_ Finn.” Poe said, pressing his lips together firmly. That would explain why Rey hadn’t really said much about him. Especially given that she was requesting _their_ help. Though there were plenty of people on the base that would like to give Kylo Ren a piece of their mind, the three of them were _her_ friends.

“Our Rey? _With_ him?” Finn scoffed. “She would never… Is she holding his hand?”

Chewie made a disgruntled sound of disapproval.

“Guess we better go and find out.” Poe said dryly as he stepped out into the rain, pulling his jacket up closer around his neck.

“You’ve got to talk sense into her! Set her straight Poe. She’ll listen to you. Remind her of what he did to you.”

Poe laughed, trying to find humor in a humorless situation. “I’m not straight though.” He shook his head. “She’s a big girl Finn. She doesn’t _need_ either of us lecturing her.”

“It’s _insane_! Maybe he’s played with her mind.”

Finn had a valid point. Rey didn’t strike him as the type of woman who would succumb to Kylo Ren’s wiles. Something _had_ to be wrong.

But there they were faced with a completely improbable scene. Rey was standing there with Kylo Ren at her side, clutching at her hand like his life depended upon it. None of the Devaronians looked fearful of him. He was weaponless and rather weak looking. Something about his expression made Poe recall the days when Kylo Ren had simply been Ben Solo.

“Finn!” Rey shouted as she release Kylo’s hand and through herself into her friend’s embrace. “ _Poe_.” She grinned as she moved down the line, hugging him gratefully. “Chewie!” Rey laughed as the large Wookie picked her up off her feet to hug her.

Kylo Ren stood there, shoulders sagging as he watched the touching scene between them and Rey.  

“We’re here to help you take him back.” Finn said, holding up the Mandalorian shackles.

“That won’t be necessary.” Rey said, stepping back to her place beside Kylo Ren. “He’s coming back with us peacefully.”

Chewie chastised Rey for being gullible.

“I’m _not_ gullible!” She snapped, her hands going at her hips. “Everyone deserves a second chance.”

Poe glanced between them. “ _Ben_?” He tried hesitantly, stepping past Finn.

He nodded slowly, reaching for Rey’s hand. “That’s what I’d prefer to be called.” Ben exhaled shakily. “I expect none of you nor the Resistance to be as forgiving as Rey has been.”

“You’ve got that right.” Finn snapped.

“I trust Rey.” Poe said, holding his hand out to shake Ben’s. “But I swear to the stars if you’re betraying _her_ …”

Ben glanced down at his hand as he reached out to shake it. “I’ve already given Rey permission to kill me if it comes to that.”

Poe made a face. “Is that some sort of Jedi nonsense? Only Jedi would have their murderers lined up in the event of betrayal.”

He laughed sheepishly. “It’s just common sense. Given my state of mind, I wouldn’t trust myself as much as Rey is.”

“Not now.” She said firmly, tugging at his hand. Rey glanced up at Poe, “I’ll explain everything once we get these people their supplies and get to the Millennium Falcon.”

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” Finn said to Chewie as they turned back around to get the supplies off their ship. Poe had to admit, he didn’t feel very good about this situation either, but Rey was smart. He’d never seen her look at someone like the hung the stars and moon before. Which probably should have concerned him more.

\---

“They aren’t going to trust me.” Ben said lowly as Rey led him away from the core group. At Chewie’s request they had broken away from the group while they helped outfit the Devaronians with supplies. He didn’t want to look at them. None of them did if they were being honest. “I don’t blame them.”

Rey levelled him with a look, which required her to rise up on her toes and jut her chin upwards at him. “Well aren’t you lucky you just need me to trust you right now.”

_You can regain the trust you once had with your men Kylo Ren._

Ben bit down on his tongue so hard he tasted the metallic tinge of blood hit his tastebuds. “You’re right, Rey. I only need you.” He sighed, raking his fingers through his hair, tugging at the strands as they slipped between his fingers until his scalp burned from the pressure.

_That’s it Ren._

_The pain strengthens you._

_I was forging you from the pain I allowed._

_It was no more than I knew you could handle._

“Ben, what’s wrong?”

She was good at reading him.

“It’s Snoke.” Ben explained, slumping back against the nearest wall. His chest felt like a weight was pressing down on him, crushing him. “I can’t breathe.” He couldn’t see either, but the lack of oxygen didn’t really allow him to say that to her.

“You’re having a panic attack.” Her voice sounded very far away, even though he could see her through the sliver of vision that felt like it was closing in on him. “Focus on me Ben. Listen to my voice.”

Ben’s lips parted to speak but the words came out weak and disjointed. He was _trying_ to tell her it was hard to listen to her and see her, but all that came out was something akin to a slow leak on a tire. His heart was pounding in his chest, his pulse thumping loudly in his ears. Had he not already experienced the brink of death, he would have thought he was dying.

Death was quiet. This was deafening.

“Think of our future.” Rey urged him, her voice closer to his ear. He hadn’t even realized that he’d ended up on the ground. “Come on Ben you’re stronger than this. Don’t let him win.” She was _right_. He was stronger than this. He wasn’t going to let Snoke take ahold of him while he was out having a… _panic attack_? He’d had these before. But he’d always been alone in his quarters, taking care of himself.

He wasn’t _alone_ anymore.

Where he stood in the shadow of the dark side, was no different than when he stood beneath the overreaching shadow of his name. Both were lonely existences. But not he had Rey. He had someone who _wanted_ him. Someone to hold his hand and stroke his brow and coax him through the clutches of fear that gripped at him tightly.

“ _Rey_.” He gasped out as he suddenly felt like he was back in control of his lungs. They burned from their brief lack of use, but the burn reminded him that he was alive and, for the most part, well. His shoulder hurt like a son of a bitch from where he’d landed on it all wrong. But it kept him going.

She was _so_ gentle as she brushed her fingers over his cheek. “Hey there.” Rey smiled down at him. “You back?”

Ben nodded. “Panic attack, just like you said.”

“They’re scary aren’t they?”

He frowned. “Have you had them too?”

“When I was younger mostly. Eventually I learned that they left me defenseless and I had to fight through the waves of panic before they set in.” She shrugged her shoulders. “I guess having to confront them wasn’t helpful.”

Ben sat up slowly, narrowing his eyes at her. “Confront them?”

“I asked for them specifically not only because they’re the best the Resistance has and because they’re my friends, but because they’re people you’ll have to deal with if you’re serious about being with me. I’m not giving them up just because you did wrong by them.”

“You should take that up with them. They have the most reason to despise _me_. Poe Dameron’s only transgression against me was knowing information I deemed vital for the First Order. Chewbacca is… _was_ my uncle. FN-2187 was a _traitor_ , but I can let that slip. But to them I am an enemy.” His fingers curled into fists at his sides. He could feel the anger coursing through him and he tried, perhaps in vain, to tamp it down before Snoke caught wind of a weakness.

But it was Rey that caught on faster. Her fingers curled around the fist nearest to her, bringing it up to her lips to kiss each knuckle.

“Trust me, I plan to talk to each one of them about this situation. But I don’t think I should leave you right now.” She released his hand to cup his cheek. “If you impress them, you’ll have more people on your side when we go before the Resistance Leaders.”

Ben smiled softly. He wasn’t sure if it was genuine or if he was just going through the motions to make her feel _good_. “If only this planet were more appealing, you and I could have just stayed here.” He said, glancing down at the floor. “You should go talk to your friends without me, Rey. I’m sure they have many questions for you.”

“I want you to come with me.” Her smile was so bright that it could even light up his darkened soul. “I’m not leaving your side. Not while you’re like this.” She put her hands on either side of his face, which mean she had to sit half on top of his lap. He wasn’t going to complain about it. He loved the way she’d taken to being so handsy with him and how exceptionally well she fit against him.

“Is it that noticeable that I’m struggling with Snoke?”

She made a face. “Well you get kind of grey colored.” She explained, brushing her thumbs over the rises of his cheekbones. “And your eyes get distant. But that’s just what the casual observer would notice. I can _feel_ you deep down in my bones. When you hurt, I hurt. Is that normal for Force users?”

Ben shook his head, “I mean, it’s typical for Force users to all be connected. But whatever this is runs deeper than most.” He swallowed thickly, resting his hands at her hips. That connection was one he’d noted when he found her in the forest on Takodana. She hadn’t realized yet, not until he’d tried to probe her mind. That was when she realized that the deep chasm between them had a very broad bridge running across.

_Kylo Ren. You know where you belong._

Rey sneezed abruptly, pushing away Snoke’s voice unintentionally.

“So what you’re saying is that we’re kind of fit the bill for weird prophecies like they have here?” She questioned, rubbing at her nose.

He tilted his head. “Are you starting to believe it’s about us?”

Rey shrugged. “Like I said, I’m not into superstition and stuff like that. It could be a huge coincidence or it could be something I could use for proof that you _are_ important.”

“But it said I was of the dark side.”

“You are. But does that ever really go away? You’ll always be weak to its temptation, even once you defeat it.” She leaned in and kissed him and it breathed life into the very essence of him. It always did. Like two halves coming together.

Finn didn’t bother to knock before barging into the room, howling like he’d been run through by Reek, covering his eyes which caused him to nearly fall flat on his ass as he tried to fumble his way back out the door.

Rey laughed brightly. “ _Finn_! We’re not doing anything that would warrant that response.”

“But you’re all tangled up with him. It’s gross!”

“I’m sitting _on_ his lap.” She retorted. “You missed all of that fun by a few good hours.”

“You’ve _slept_ with him? Oh good gods! Rey. G _irl_. What the hell?”

Ben smiled impishly. “We could always give him a show.”

“ _Ben_!”

“No!” Finn shouted.

“It was just a suggestion.” He held his hands up playfully, smiling at Rey – a real smile this time, one that lit up his eyes. “What did you want FN… _Finn_?”

“I was coming to tell you that the supplies have been unloaded. Poe and I helped them set up a few of the previously offline sectors. The next Resistance supply freighter should be here in a few days.” Finn explained. “We’re ready for you to take us to the Millennium Falcon.”

Rey turned back to look at Ben, planting a soft kiss to his lips before she got up off his lap. He instantly missed her weight. It felt _right_ when they were touching.

“That’s gross.”

Rey scoffed loudly. “I have never said a word to you and Poe about PDA. Lay off it.”

Ben stood up, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her back against him just to piss off Finn.

“I’m going to throw up.” Finn said dramatically, gagging just to prove his point. Rey laughed though, utterly amused by his antics. She wiggled out of his arms, grinning at him as she backed out of the room, before running after Finn.

_How kind of you to help this planet._

_All good deeds come at a cost Ben Solo._

~~Ben~~. Kylo.

 _He_ wasn’t sure if he’d be able to hold it together until they reached D’Qar.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can yell at me.


	9. Chapter 9

“At least Finn judges me to my face.” Rey said as Poe appeared from down in the hole he was working in.

“What do you mean Rey?” He questioned, only meeting her eyes briefly before retreating below the grating with the tool he’d emerged for. “I’m not judging you.”

“Yes you are. You have every reason _to_ judge me.” Rey sat down and crossed her legs. “For the record I’m not crazy. I can’t put words to the connection I have with Ben, but it’s important. And right now I think I’m the only thing keeping him sane.”

Poe popped back out of the hole. “That’s not entirely healthy is it? To be the glue keeping them stuck together? That’s got to be putting a lot of stress on _you_. And for the record, I do judge you, but not like Finn does. He thinks he can sway you with his protests, but I know you’re not going to change your mind because I told you to. So I keep quiet.” He pointed to one of the tools beside her. “Toss me the vector wrench.”

Rey grabbed it and tossed it. “You aren’t wrong.” She said, combing her fingers through her hair with a heavy sigh. “Why did you call him Ben?”

Poe laughed from beneath the grating and she looked down through the holes to see him looking up at her. “I knew him once upon a time. My parents were part of the Resistance when it began to form. He and I grew up together briefly before his parents sent him away with Master Luke.”

“What was he like when he was younger?”

Poe shrugged, working at one of the control panels beneath her. “He was shy, but full of life when you got him going. I saw him a few times over the years when he’d be given leave from his uncle to come home.”

Rey frowned, rubbing at her nose. “What was he like near the end?”

“Honestly? He stopped coming home around thirteen. A few years later was when the whole Kylo Ren mess began.” Poe explained. “I don’t know what caused him to snap.”

“Snoke. He saw his weakness and went after it.” Rey said, “Poe… can I tell you something? I need you to promise you won’t tell Finn or Chewie or _anyone_.”

Poe emerged from the hole, resting his forearms on the grating. “You have my word.”

Rey glanced around them, making sure Ben hadn’t returned from his nap or that Finn was looming in any doorways. She dropped her voice low, “When I found him, he was nearly dead. Maybe I should have let him die, after all he’s done, but I couldn’t. Snoke and the First Order had turned their backs on him and had beaten him and let his wounds get infected.” She shook her head. “I mended the flesh wounds and healed his broken bones. But…” She needed to talk to someone who would listen to her. “Snoke’s returned.”

Poe held up a hand to keep her from going any further. “It is absolutely none of my business, but have the two of you… _you know_?”

Rey eyes widened as she tossed the smaller vector wrench at him. “You’re right. That _is_ none of our business buddy.” Her cheeks burned hot with embarrassment. “I just told you that Snoke is back in his head and you’re more concerned about whether or not I’ve fucked him?”

“It changes everything if you have.” Poe said with a look. “I mean, just from my observations I’d say you have.”

Rey chewed on her bottom lip and nodded her head. “You aren’t wrong.” She tilted her head to the side. “I was really looking for your insight on the Snoke thing.”

Poe shrugged his shoulders. “I’d say you have a ticking time bomb on your hands. I’m _not_ Force sensitive, but from what I’ve heard General Organa say about it, once you’ve been tempted by the dark side, it’s easier to fall back into it. The light side is the hard path, the dark side is the easy one.”

Rey closed her eyes. “That’s what I was afraid you would say.” She pressed her lips together thoughtfully. “I know General Organa didn’t want me to bring her son back alive. Neutralizing a target isn’t the same as bringing a prisoner back alive.” She slowly opened her eyes, staring at a point on the wall ahead of her. “I’m prepared to fight for him. I will go before the Resistance leaders and plead for him to be spared.”

Poe sighed heavily. “Don’t you think he should be punished for what he’s done?”

“Yes and no. I think the more I pull him into the light, the more he realizes what he’s done. He _does_ have regrets, even if he doesn’t admit it.”

“Or is that just you projecting the regrets you want him to have?”

Rey frowned. “I… _don’t_ know.” She rubbed her hands over her face, bowing her head. “With the link we have through the Force, I can feel his emotions. I’ve felt his regret and his remorse.” She lowered her voice once more. “He had a panic attack over this current situation with the three of you. If he had a clear conscious over what he’s done, I don’t think it would hit him the way it does.”

“I just don’t want this biting you in the ass, Rey.” Poe said as he hauled himself out of the hole. “It’s going to take a few hours to get power back into the whole ship. You should rest.” He held his hand out to help her stand up. “I won’t tell anyone about this conversation. I trust your judgement.”

Rey hugged him tightly. “Thank you Poe.”

“You just wanted to share your dirty secrets with someone didn’t you?”

She laughed. “Maybe.” Rey scrunched up her nose. “I’m going to go check on Ben and get a little shut eye myself. It’s probably for the best that _you_ come and get me if you need anything. Finn was overly dramatic last time.”

Poe grinned. “Oh, I heard all the sordid details.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “You two are the worst.”

He winked. “We try. Rest well, Rey.”

Rey watched him leave, before turning to head towards the quarters she’d left Ben in. After the short trip in Poe’s ship to get them back to the Millennium Falcon without getting drenched, he’d been noticeably rattled and she thought it was best to let him rest and continue to heal, body _and_ soul.

She knocked quietly on the door before slipping inside, a little surprised to see Ben sitting on the bed meditating. “And you teased me about meditating.”

He opened one eye. “I had a nightmare.” Ben explained. “His voice was loud. I thought it was a good idea to try to clear my mind.” He rubbed at his temples. “Did you fix the ship?”

“Poe did most of the work, but its powering back up. Should be a few hours.” Rey stifled a small yawn. She moved to sit on the bed beside him, closer than was necessary, but he didn’t seem to mind at all. “What is Snoke saying to you?”

Ben shook his head. “Anything he thinks might get me back.”

“Like?”

“Too much to say.”

Rey lifted her hand to brush her fingers through the hair at his temple. “I’d like you to _tell_ me. I need to know what he’s telling you and I’d hate to force it out of you.” The words were light, but at the same time she wanted Ben to know that she wasn’t going to sit by while he succumbed to the darkness again.

Ben glared at her. “How romantic.” He pulled away from her touch.

“ _Ben_.” Rey pushed, letting him feel her mind pushing against his. She wasn’t seeking information, not yet, she just wanted him to _remember_ she was there. “I shouldn’t have left you alone should I?”

He leaned towards her and rested his head on her shoulder. “I need to get accustomed to being without you. When we get to D’Qar, they aren’t going to let me wander around freely. Those Mandalorian shackles are only the beginning.”

Rey curled her arm around him. “I know. But I’m sure I can work something out. I don’t want you to be alone.”

“I’m used to it.” Ben admitted and she could feel his mind pushing back against hers.

“We’ll still be able to reach out to each other like this.” Rey reminded him, letting the warmth of her mind envelop his. He was _so_ weak. If only they’d had more time to strengthen him.

“Doubtful. Your friend informed me that they had a whole cell made out of that Mandalorian iron. It’ll dampen my use of the Force.”

Rey turned her head and kissed the top of his head. “Then at least Snoke won’t be in your mind either.”

“True.”

“Have a little hope, Ben.” Rey urged, pulling back so she could look at him. “We’ll get through this. Somehow.” She brushed her fingers over his cheek gently. “Did you sleep at all?” His eyes had dark circles beneath them.

“I was only asleep for half an hour before the nightmare hit.”

“What was it?”

He looked away. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Sometimes it helps them not to happen again.”

Ben’s gaze dropped to his hands, clenching them into fists. “I killed you.”

Rey inhaled sharply. “ _Oh_.” She covered his fists with her hands. “It was just a nightmare. For all we know, Snoke was behind it.”

“But it scares you,” Ben said, turning to look at her. “I can feel the fear quivering in your soul. You’re afraid of me.”

“I’m afraid of _Snoke_. What he can cause you to do.”

“Everything’s a choice Rey. He can suggest, but I have to choose to do it.”

Rey squeezed his hands. “What does he want you to do?”

“Kill all of you and return to him.”

“You’re stronger than that Ben.”

“I haven’t done it, so clearly I am.” He closed his eyes and inhaled shakily. “I’m terrified, Rey.”

“I know.” Her heart ached for him. She could see the way the internal war was changing him physically. His shoulders were slumped, like he didn’t want to be as tall as he was. His eyes were heavy and exhaust had colored the skin around his eyes. His lips were pale. “You’re going to pull through this. I won’t let you fall.”

Ben moved to lay down on the bed and she kicked off her shoes and laid down beside him, letting him curl around behind her, his arms curled possessively around her waist, keeping her pressed back against him firmly.

Rey covered his hands with hers, “Poe told me that you and he knew each other as children.” She said, wanting to make conversation and distract him from whatever Snoke might have been whispering to him.

“We were.” He sighed heavily, pressing his lips to her shoulder. “His parents were quite instrumental in aiding my mother with the Resistance its early form. After the Battle of Endor there was a brief period of peace before the dark side attempted to reign once more. My mother started forming the Resistance, the Damerons had been part of the Rebel Alliance before it. We are close to the same age, we were often watched together when our parents had meetings.” Ben stroked his fingers over the fabric of her shirt. “You can understand why I had to be unforgiving in his interrogation.”

Rey shook her head. “I don’t understand.” She did, at the core of it. It was _why_ that was complicated for her. “He was a _friend_.”

“An acquaintance. I never once confided in him. Not even as small children when secrets were nothing more than theft of an extra cookie.”

“Do you regret it?”

“Regret not being friends with him?”

“No,” Rey tilted her head slightly so she could see him. “Do you regret what you did to him?” Poe’s words weighed heavily on her mind.

Ben was quiet for a long moment and she wasn’t sure if he was thinking or if he was distracted. “I needed the information that he had, Rey. There was no other way.”

“I need to know that you _regret_ hurting him Ben.” Her voice was scarce louder than a whisper.

“I regret that my actions hurt you.”

Rey sighed. “But you don’t regret doing them? To him?”

“I felt justified in interrogating him. He was stubborn and had to be made an example.” His body was rigid behind her. “But I do regret… I feel remorse when I thinking of what I had to do. There was no other way. At the time it was the right course of action.”

“Hurting someone is never the _right_ option, Ben.” Rey said sharply. “That’s the dark side talking. Theses hands were made for more than violence.”

“I know.” He ran one hand along her side, releasing his tight hold of her. “Would now be a bad time to try to initiate _something_?”

Rey laughed brightly, rolling onto her back a little to look at him. “ _Yes_. It would be. They could come in at any moment and just knowing they’re all out there _really_ kills the mood.” She made a face, “You don’t have to ask.”

“Clearly I did, it was a resounding no.” Ben gave her a look. “You’re not going off me are you?”

She leaned up to kiss him softly. “It’s just inconvenient right now.” She brushed her knuckles over his cheek. “I don’t want Finn having another cow over it.” She rolled her eyes. “And you need rest.”

Ben nodded his head slowly. “You’re right. I’m exhausted.” He kissed her again, letting it linger for a long moment. “I’ll probably be able to sleep now that you’re here.”

“I’m glad I have that effect on you.” She teased lightly, curling against his chest. He was _much_ larger than her and she liked the way she fit against him, dwarfed by his limbs. Despite the situation they found themselves in and perhaps better judgement, she felt _safe_ with him.

Ben chuckled, a hearty sound that even rattled in _her_ chest. “As long as I don’t fall asleep when it matters, right?”

Rey grinned and nodded. She turned her head so her cheek was pressed against his chest and she could hear his heart beating steadily against her ear. She reached out to him through the Force, pleased to find his mind much calmer than it had been when she’d reached out before. She didn’t know how he was going to cope if they were separated on D’Qar. He was nowhere near stable and she doubted he’d be much closer over the next few hours.

The last thing they needed to do with someone like him was to lock him up and keep him from the one thing that was keeping him sane. Isolation wasn’t going to magically cure him. But, they weren’t trying to fix him, were they?

Poe had been right – the fact that they had _slept_ together did change everything. Before then she was able to keep him at arm’s length, but now he felt intrinsically woven into the fibers of her being, in a way that sex had never caused before.

“Just hold on Ben.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't resist a little Rey and Poe chat. Also I think that last scene was heavily influenced by all of those gorgeous Reylo drawings where they're all wound up together in bed and there's the shadow contrast with him being cast in darkness and her being the bright spot. Also, I just have a weak spot for cuddles.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So chapter ten.... has smut? Thanks guys for being so awesome and leaving great reviews each chapter - it means so much to me!

_You don’t deserve her._

_A man like you? With her?_

_That’s nearly as comical as your mother and father._

_They were quite the farce weren’t they?_

 

Ben covered his ears as if _that_ would stop Snoke’s whispers. He had a point. He didn’t _deserve_ Rey. In the end he’d only hold her back. His darkness would eventually blot out her light.

_I know._

_Ah. So he speaks._

_I thought you had turned mute._

 

What was he doing? Talking to Snoke while Rey slept peacefully in his arms. It felt wrong and yet, he wanted to know what Snoke had planned. The temptation of just toeing the line was too strong to ignore. He was a voice in his head – what harm could he do?

_I just chose not to speak before._

_I know that._

_I know everything._

_You overstate your powers, Snoke._

_Do you know that she will die?_

_She will not die._

Ben curled his arm around her tighter, pressing his lips against her shoulder. He shouldn’t have opened the channel up further to Snoke. He was only going to fill his head with more fears and doubts.

_Eventually she will._

_Maybe today –_

_Tomorrow?_

_Stop it! She’s not going to die._

Rey was stronger than anyone he had ever met. If there was anyone that would survive through _anything_ it was Rey. He admired her strength and her bravery when faced with extreme odds. If he were in her shoes, he would have already caved. But that was why she was stronger than him. Where he saw death as a means to an end – she saw life as the answer.

_She makes you weak._

_You failed because of her._

_No. No. She makes me strong._

_Strong?_

_Strength is not collapsing in fear._

_You know nothing of strength Snoke._

Ben inhaled raggedly. “Rey wake up.”

“What is it?” She questioned, rubbing at her eyes. “Is something wrong?”

He clenched his eyes closed tightly. “It’s Snoke… He’s –”

_You’re pathetic._

_Grow a back bone._

_Kylo Ren wouldn’t cry for help._

_Ben Solo would._

“I made a mistake.” He admitted, swallowed thickly around the lump in his throat. “I’d been ignoring him and then I fucked up and responded to him.” He rolled onto his back, trying to focus on his breathing. “He’s louder now.”

Rey frowned down at him. “What is he saying?”

“He keeps talking about how weak I am. How I’m pathetic for needing your help.” Ben rubbed at his eyes hard enough to hurt, he relished that pain. “I think you should go and get the shackles from Ben.”

“I’m _not_ leaving you defenseless.” Rey protested, pulling his hands away from his eyes. “Stop that, you’re going to hurt yourself.”

He gave her a look. “Or someone else.” Ben stared at her hands as she laced her fingers with his. “It’s just a precaution. I’m sure it’ll make everyone more comfortable.”

“Do you not trust yourself?”

“I don’t trust Snoke. He’s clever and he knows my weaknesses.” Ben sighed heavily, squeezing her hands. “I don’t want to hurt you Rey.”

Rey held his gaze for a long moment and he wasn’t sure what the gaze was meant for. Was she trying to read him? Or make her decision? She moved wordlessly off of the bed towards the door and for the longest moment he thought she was heading for the shackles. But she stopped at the door and latched the door shut.

“What are you doing?”

“I don’t want to be interrupted.” Rey said quietly, turning back around to face him. Her eyes warm as they met his gaze.

“Rey we need to talk.” Ben chuckled, shaking his head. “You can try to seduce me if you want, but we need to discuss what’s coming.”

“Well, hopefully both of us will be.”

Ben grinned at her. “That _would_ be nice.” He held up a hand, though, to keep her from saying anything else. “But right now, he’s quiet again, and I want to talk to you.”

Rey moved to sit back on the bed beside him. “I don’t want to talk about locking you up or sending you away or death sentences. That’s all you ever want to talk about when he’s quiet. I want to talk to _you_.”

Ben canted his head to the side. “I don’t know what _else_ there is to talk about Rey. So much of my life has been torn between two suppressive societies.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “I am incredibly unremarkable. If you want conversation, I recommend Poe or Chewie – someone who has done something with their lives.”

“You’re still young, Ben. So am I.” Rey took his hands. “We have time for adventures. At least you’ve seen more of the galaxy than I have.”

He stared down at where their hands were joined. “You deserve better than _this_ , Rey.” Snoke’s words had hit him hard, not that they were anything he didn’t already know. “Better than me.”

“This is just as depressing as talking about locking you up or dying.” Rey shook her head. “I know this situation is an unusual one, for _both_ of us. But we’ll come out of it stronger. I have a good feeling about it.”

Ben smiled at her, letting go of one of her hands so he could cup her cheek and kiss her. It wasn’t unwavering faith and trust, but it was good enough for him. The fact that Rey _did_ genuinely care about him was just enough to bolster his own belief in himself. Even if only a little.

Rey brushed her fingers through his hair and he groaned softly against her lips. He kissed her for a few moments longer, savoring the way her lips felt against his. Kissing her was intoxicating and it made his body practically hum with desire.

He broke from the kiss, pressing his forehead against hers. “Tell me about Jakku. Tell me about your life.”

“What a mood killer.” Rey laughed, tracing her thumb over his bottom lip. “It was miserable. I was left there when I was a very young girl and I believed that parents would return for me some day. That’s why I never left… not that I could have.” Her brows knit together and he could feel the sorrow pouring out of her heart. “In a sense Unkar owned me. I worked for him collecting scrap parts to earn my keep. We all did. I could have left at any time, but… Where was I going to go? I had nothing and nowhere to go. And I couldn’t leave because I was waiting for my parents to return for me.”  She frowned. “I basically raised myself.”

“That would explain _so_ much,” Ben teased lightly, tilting his head to kiss her forehead.

Rey widened his eyes dramatically. “ _Rude_.” She dragged her fingers through his hair, “What about your childhood? Was it all Jedi training and nothing fun?”

Ben shrugged, glancing away to avoid looking her in the eyes. “It feels wrong to complain about my parents with you. At least I had them. Even if they were concerned more with their own lives than mine.”

Rey took his face in her hands, making him look at her. “I’m not that sensitive. You can talk to me, Ben. I like hearing about your past. It might help you too. As painful as those memories are, they’re what made you and it might help to overcome them.”

“Sometimes when I think back to my childhood, I don’t even know what was real. Every time you revisit memories they alter slightly. Snoke constantly made me relive my painful experiences, the ones that most people don’t hold onto. Like my parents sending me away before my sixth birthday to train with my uncle. Or the fact that most of the time I felt like an afterthought. My father _tried_ , but there was always a far off look in his eyes like he’d rather be somewhere else.” Ben clenched his jaw.

Rey pressed her palms against his chest, “Calm down Ben. I can feel the anger coursing through you.”

“That’s because you’re asking me to relive painful moments Rey. What do you expect me to feel?” Ben snapped back a little harsher than he intended. “I’m sorry. Snoke used those memories to fuel my anger, to make me stronger.” He closed his eyes. “I think some of them didn’t even happen. I barely know what’s real anymore.” He swallowed thickly. Was this what coming away from the dark side was going to feel like? Was he going to be forced to question everything he had believed in, everything he’d been manipulated into doing… to own up to the choices he had made?

“I can’t tell you what memories are real, Ben.” Rey told him, her fingers playing lightly over his chest through the fabric of his shirt. “But I can tell you that this is real. _We_ are real.”

“But why are we real, Rey? Do you just feel pity for me because I have _nothing_? Will this fall to ruin when you realize that I am _far_ beneath you.”

“Technically, isn’t your mother a princess or queen or something? I mean, you’re definitely the one aiming low here. You’re the _prince_.” Rey said lightly and he knew she was just trying to calm him down with humor.

Ben shook his head. “I don’t believe I can claim that title anymore.” He met her eyes. “What is there about me that you find appealing enough to want to be with? How can you not look at me with disgust?”

Rey’s brows knit together. “I can’t explain it. I mean, I can explain the fact that I find you _very_ attractive. But I can’t really explain what I feel at a deeper level.” She pressed her palm to his chest over his heart. “I wish I could just brush it off as sympathy and a desire to be with someone, then I could explain it to everyone. But this, what I _do_ feel is pure madness. You burned yourself into my soul long before this. You were there when I should have despised you and I _did_ hate you. I should still hate you. But I can’t let you go. Not when there’s a hope burning bright between us.”

Ben blinked as he stared at her. Her words radiated with honesty. They touched on emotions he didn’t understand, put meaning to thoughts that had crossed his mind when he had laid near death on Mustafar. Their first encounter had sealed their fates. He had known it all along, but he had been so convinced that he could never… “ _Rey_.”

If he tried to express himself, he was fairly certain he was going to make an ass out of himself, so instead of speaking he leaned in and claimed her lips. Touch. He could express himself through that. He already had. For two people like them, touch made the most sense. It was _real_ , a tangible example of words that were yet to be created in any language.

He let down whatever barriers he had between her, letting her _feel_ how he did. Not just the pain, but the joy that came from being with her. It was stronger than even the delight he felt when he focused on that far off fantasy that had kept him barely hanging on in his near-final hours.

Ben guided her backwards onto the bed, letting his weight press her down against it. He felt awkward atop her, his limbs feeling too large to be useful, but he made it work by instinct alone. He clutched at her hip, using his knees to spread her legs apart so he could settle there between them.

Rey groaned beneath him and the sound went straight through him, making his cock hard. She broke from the kiss, dragging her fingers through his hair. “Is that all for me?”

“Who else would it before?” Ben retorted with a wry grin as he looked down into her hazel eyes. “ _Snoke_?”

Rey laughed loudly, tugging at his hair. “Obviously. If you can get jealous over Finn and Poe, you can let me be jealous of Snoke.” She teased, kissing along his jawline.

“Didn’t you know Rey? You should be terribly jealous of an awful old man who tries to manipulate me.” He couldn’t help but laugh – it was _that_ outlandish. “It’s more plausible than my jealousy of two _nice_ guys that care about you.”

She rolled her eyes. “ _Ben_.”

“I’m just saying.” He hated to admit it, but he had been more angry at Finn because Rey cared about him, than the fact that he was a traitor. But that was what happened when you had a battle going on within – one side sensing the light it needed and the other side too far gone to understand that the way he was going about his emotions was _wrong_. Was that the remorse Rey talked about?

Now was not the time for remorse. Not with her beneath him, radiating a desire that he felt too.

“You’re ridiculous.” Rey laughed loudly and pressed her lips against his. “Less talking, more undressing.”

“I could use the Force to undress you.”

“ _Really?_ Wait. No. You’re too weak to do that Ben. You need to save up your energy.”

Ben wanted to protest the fact that when they got to D’Qar he wasn’t going to be using the Force at all, but he kept that one to himself. He didn’t want to kill the mood any further. He arched a brow. “ _Fine_. I’ll just take everything off like a normal person.”

Rey nipped at his bottom lip. “You need the practice anyways.” She pressed on his chest and he sat back, knees planted firmly on the mattress between her legs. “Shirt first.”

Ben’s fingers trembled a little as he reached for the hem of her shirt, drawing it up her stomach slowly. He should have probably been embarrassed by how the sight of her bare skin made him react, but it was still new for him. The fact that she wanted him still blew his mind.

Rey sat up a little to help facilitate the removal of her shirt. “Promise me you’ll never stop looking at me like that.”

“Like what?” Ben questioned, his lashes fluttering as he pulled his eyes away from her chest to look her in the eyes.

“I don’t have words for it because no one has ever looked at me like that. I just know it makes my heart beat faster and my stomach twist into knots.” Rey reached for the hem of his shirt then, pulling it off and discarding it over the side of the bed with her shirt. “I mean, I guess Finn looked at me a few times like that…”

She was teasing him. He tamped down that flare of jealousy, canting his head to the side. “Would you like me to call him in here to look at you like that, then?” Ben retorted with no small amount of sass.

Rey put her hands on his shoulders, careful not to put her hand on the part of his shoulder that was still in the process of healing. He barely even acknowledge the pain, he’d had other things on his mind. “I think if Finn came in here right now, he’d probably scream bloody murder.”

“Maybe that’s why I think we should,” Ben grinned. “It’s fun to watch him squirm.” He leaned in and kissed her, groaning softly against her lips when her tongue darted out to find his. All remarks were forgotten as she pulled him back down atop her. He understood why the Knights of Ren had required their members to be celibate and why the Jedi were strong supporters of their people being unattached as well. It made everything else seem far less important.

Even now, he knew, that if Snoke managed to tempt him back to the dark side, the pull to be with Rey would be stronger. Part of him was safely secure in her grasp and he was perfectly content with that. It was part of him that _no one_ could ever possess. She held the power to make or destroy him now.

Rey’s hands trailed over his skin, as if she wanted to touch every bit of bare skin that she could reach. He loved the way her hands felt on his skin. It satisfied the part of him that had been touch-starved before her.

She fumbled with the front of his trousers, working to get them down his hips. “I wish we could take all the time in the world, Ben, but I _really_ don’t want to get interrupted.”

“Neither do I.” He knew she’d said not to use the Force, but if they were looking for haste – that was the _quickest_ way to get her pants off. So he did just that, “You won’t find Master Luke teaching you how to do that.”

Rey laughed. “Let’s not talk about your uncle when your cock is pressed against me.” Her cheeks were flushed and her lips were slightly swollen from kissing and it was that look that was going fuel his fantasies when he was alone in his future cell.

“You’re _beautiful_ Rey.” He whispered, dipping down to kiss her as he reached down between them to line his cock up with her center, sinking into her slowly.

Rey cried out, her nails biting into his shoulder, her other hand grabbing at his ass as she drew her legs up, bringing him deeper.

“ _Shh_.” He urged, close to her ear. “We don’t want to get interrupted.” This involved a little more work for him than before, but he relished the ache he felt in unused muscles. The strain was _so_ worth it to feel this close to her. Their Force bond felt that much stronger – like he could _feel_ how it felt for her.

Rey rolled her hips beneath him, circling them in a way that was _beyond_ pleasure. Ben groaned, his eyes falling closed as he focused on the push and pull of his hips as he moved with her. He could sense that she wasn’t quite as close as he was, which was _not_ what he wanted out of this.

Ben slipped his hand down between them, teasing her flesh where they were joined together. Rey gasped at the contact, her fingers curling around the back of his neck as she leaned up to kiss him, silencing a moan against his lips.

That was all it took. His fingers coaxed her right over the edge and the clenching of her body around him sent him careening over the edge. There was truly nothing better than that one _fleeting_ moment where they felt closer than they could ever be.

It was over far too soon. He had barely settled in atop of her, when there was a knock at her door. He wanted nothing more than to ignore it, but he knew Rey wasn’t going to. He rolled off of her, letting her out from under his gangly limbs.

“Coming!” She called out, pulling her pants on and then her shirt, barely getting it on all the way before she unlocked the door and opened it slightly. “Hey Poe.”

Ben rubbed his face, stretching out on the bed, but making sure the blanket was thrown over his lap. It wasn’t like they didn’t already know they’d been together like _that_ , they hadn’t exactly been quiet.

“I thought you two were going to _actually_ sleep.” Poe remarked, leaning against the door frame. “Regardless of how you spent your time, she’s ready to fly. I informed the Resistance that we’ll be there within the day.”

“They ask about me?” Ben questioned.

“ _Ben_.”

Poe looked towards Rey and that said it _all_. He could feel the way Rey’s heart sped up, the fear coursing through her veins.

“It’s alright Poe, you can tell me what the bleak outlook is. I’m between a rock and a hard place. If I go to the Resistance I’m more than likely going to die and if I go back to the First Order I’ll probably be killed.”

“That’s an inspiring story of why you’re choosing the Resistance,” Poe said dryly. “You’ve fucked this Rey?”

Rey laughed nervously, rubbing her hands together. “Don’t ask questions. I have my reasons.” She glanced back at him, holding his gaze. “He _is_ remorseful. That’s not just me projecting.”

Ben swallowed thickly, looking to Poe then. “She’s right. I _am_. Not for all of it, not yet…” He raked his fingers through his hair, “I don’t have the time to come to terms with all of it before we get there. My remorse will not be convincing. The leaders, councilmen and women, and the General that I’ll go before won’t see the boy they once knew, they’ll see the war criminal they have the chance to punish.”

Rey crossed her arms across her chest. “Ben. You have to have hope.”

Poe let out a heavy sigh. “She’s right, Ben. Even just a flicker of hope is enough.”

Ben stared at the ceiling. “For what it’s worth, I _am_ sorry. I chose the easy path, instead of the one less traveled.”

“Well Rey, maybe you aren’t crazy after all.” Poe remarked, “I’m going to send Chewie and Finn back in the ship. I can fly the Millennium Falcon back if the two of you want more time.”

Ben didn’t need to look to know that Rey was hugging Poe. He could feel the joy washing over her. It was gratitude because Poe was helping them, but it was _joy_ because she got a little more time with _him_.

He might have been resigned to his fate, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to enjoy what little time he had left with the brightest spot of his dark existence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so begins the next "act" of this fic, where it'll be... well, spoilers. ;) This chapter was strangely hard to write. I think it's because Ben is feeling a lot emotions and it's all new for him and because he's very conflicted. It's hard to explain. Rey is much easier to write, Ben's innermost thoughts are very deep down. 
> 
> Also have you noticed some of the insanely shippy songs in the *official* Rey and Kylo Spotify playlists?


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a late start at work today and I wanted to get this out since I won't be home all evening.

Rey didn’t waste a second of the time they’d been given. She was thankful that Ben didn’t mention the bleak looking future even once, despite the fact she could sense his dread growing stronger as their minutes grew shorter.

She finished healing his injuries, not wanting run the risk that they wouldn’t be treated while he was imprisoned.

Ben teased her mercilessly that she was allergic to him after a hilarious sneezing fit that completely killed the mood.

They held each other like their lives depended upon it and maybe they did. Maybe these fleeting moments were what would keep them sane when they weren’t able to be together. She would forever be indebted to Poe, for doing this for them.

But she knew that not everyone would be as helpful to them. Not everyone would be able to look past what Ben had done.

When their time was nearly at its end, they finally untangled their limbs and made themselves look presentable. Her hair looked like some sort of creature’s nest and his didn’t look much better. They joined Poe in the cockpit and watched as D’Qar grew larger in the windshield as they approached it.

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news,” Poe started, looking between them for a brief moment. “But it’s probably in your best interest if you put the Mandalorian shackles on him. I’ve got a feeling that there might be a few people that are trigger happy. If they see that he’s got them on, they might be less inclined to do anything stupid.”

Rey frowned as she turned to look at Ben. “Hey, it’ll be okay.” She lifted her hand to cup his cheek, brushing her thumb along the scar that ran down his face. “Besides, wouldn’t you rather I be the one that puts you in them.”

Ben nodded stiffly, staring ahead at D’Qar. “Let’s get it over with. At least they’ll keep Snoke far away.”

“Will I not be able to talk to you and sense you?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve never been in Mandalorian shackles to find out. All I know is that they’ll dampen my abilities. To what extent, we’ll have to discover together.” Ben looked to Poe then, “Thank you Poe. I’m incredibly thankful to have had this extra time with Rey.”

“Not a problem. I’d do anything for her.” Poe looked back at him, “Don’t hurt her.”

Ben nodded, reaching for her hand. “I’ll do whatever is in my power not to.”

“Come on Ben.” Rey said gently, tugging at his hand, leading him out of the cockpit to where Finn had left the shackles. Fear gnawed viciously at her stomach, twisting it into knots, and she knew he could feel it too. “I’m going to visit you whenever I can. I’ll spend every waking moment by your side if I can. I promise.”

“ _Rey_ ,” Ben shook his head. “I won’t have you shirking your duties to the Resistance them because of me.”

Rey took his hands into hers, lacing their fingers together as she stared up at him. “Too bad, because you’re going to be my main focus.” She said firmly, leaning up to kiss him. She knew that wasn’t going to be happening when they got to base.

Ben sighed against her lips. “Let’s get this over with. Poe has a point. I may be unarmed, but the Force will till make me a danger in their minds.” His eyes flickered towards the shackles and Rey could feel the way he’d resigned himself to this.

She was gentle with the shackles, locking them over his wrists with the utmost care not to pinch skin or put them on too tight. “How do they feel?”

“I feel a little off,” Ben admitted, flexing his fingers. “I can’t feel you the way I could before.”

Rey stroked his cheek. “You feel like you’re far away. Is that how it feels for you too?”

He nodded. “I don’t like it. I’ve gotten used to feeling you.” Ben closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. “I suppose that’s punishment in itself. Get attached to you and then get cut off from it.”

“Take your seats guys!” Poe called from the cockpit. “I’m bringing us down.”

Ben leaned in and kissed her – one last time. “Thank you.” He whispered against her lips, before pulling away, moving to where the jump seats were.

Rey brushed her fingers over her lips, watching him as he walked away from her. “You’re welcome, Ben.” She whispered. Was this what a broken heart felt like? It was the first time she’d felt alone since she rescued him. He might have been a few feet away from her, but not being able to feel him… it felt _wrong_. Even when they’d gone their separate ways, quite literally when the ground broke apart between them, she’d been able to feel him halfway across the galaxy…

\---

Rey could feel that every eye was on her.

She could only imagine what Finn had told them. He and Chewie had returned to base before Poe had gotten them there, which she imagined was part of Poe’s plan of giving them a little more time. He gave a convincing excuse for why he took another route, something about picking up a reading of First Order ships, that he came up with on the spot.

While she adored Finn, she knew he wasn’t one to keep his opinions to himself. That’s why he and Poe were a perfect balance, because where one was lacking the other made up for it. Finn wouldn’t have given them time, not when he was quite vocal in his dislike of Ben, with good reason.

Maybe he’d come around.

Rey kept close to Ben, until several officers jerked him away from her by his shackles and forced him to kneel before his mother.

“General Organa.” Ben said quietly, keeping his head bowed.

“Kylo Ren. So we meet again.” General Organa said emotionlessly, glancing towards Rey. “This is an unexpected surprise.”

“Ben was willing to come back here.” Rey said uncertainly. “Despite the implications of what is certain to happen.”

He inhaled deeply, “I willing to face punishment for my crimes.” Ben said, not even bothering to life his face to his mother.

“For a decade you have been deeply involved in numerous military operations that have led to the loss of countless lives. A year ago the _entire_ Hosnian system was destroyed under your command and the Resistance is in agreement that you, Kylo Ren, should be held accountable for the death of each and every inhabitant of the system.”

Rey swallowed thickly as she watched Ben’s face. She hated that she couldn’t feel him as strongly with the Mandalorian shackles, but she didn’t need the Force to understand the pain on his face. She couldn’t understand how General Organa could address him as though she didn’t even _know_ him.

“You should have let him die, Rey. You’re only prolonging the inevitable.” The General said firmly as she stepped past Ben.

“I couldn’t.” Rey said quietly, keeping her gaze low. “It wouldn’t have been the Jedi way.”

“My brother isn’t here, Rey.” Leia said coldly, casting a backwards glance towards Ben who remained on his knees with his head bowed. “There is no Jedi way anymore.” She turned her back to Rey then, addressing the officers that still had their blasters aimed at Ben. “Take him to the cell.”

Rey’s heart lurched in her chest as one of the officers kicked Ben squarely in the back, causing him to pitch forward. They weren’t at all gentle with him as they all but dragged him out by his arms. “Can they not let him have the dignity of walking?” Rey said, walking a few steps forward, before realizing she couldn’t just follow after them. “General Organa, there has to be another way. Ben –”

“Ben died a long time ago, Rey.” General Organa said, her eyes narrowing as she met her gaze. “I don’t know what he has told you, but _none_ of it can be trusted.”

“With all due respect General, I _do_ trust him. You weren’t there to watch him struggle with what he’s done, the realization that he’s done _terrible_ things. I can feel his remorse and his regret. There’s still enough of him left to save.”

General Organa held up her hand to silence her. “The moment that he killed his father, was the moment he lost the _right_ to be saved.”

Rey clenched fists at her sides. “I don’t see it that way.” She could barely sense Ben now at all. He had been right about the Mandalorian cell’s abilities. At least he was safe in there, Snoke couldn’t reach him, but neither could see. “I want to represent him.”

“And what do you plan to say on his behalf, Rey? Are you going to apologize for what he’s done? Make excuses for the hell he’s caused for _all_ of us? You should stay out of this Rey. If you know what’s best for you.”

“I know I might sound like some foolish girl, but I have seen his heart, I have seen his _soul_. There is still light in there. I refuse to stand by and let that be extinguished. You have to understand that he was manipulated by Snoke.”

“And are you being manipulated by Kylo Ren?” General Organa gave her a scathing look. “Have some respect for yourself Rey. Whatever infatuation you’re harboring for _him_. Let it go. Don’t get yourself entangled in his web of crimes.”

Rey looked away, her cheeks burning hot with embarrassment. Ben hadn’t been wrong about his mother. She was definitely the unforgiving type. She was a General, not a mother. “I will not make excuses for his crimes, General. He has done _terrible_ things. Unforgivable things. But there _is_ a difference between Kylo Ren and Ben Solo.” She held her hand up this time to keep the General from cutting her off. “You might think Ben Solo is dead, but I don’t. I think Kylo Ren is dead. If you had seen him on Mustafar and how the First Order repaid his service… If you had been there to see how a little bit of care given to him went a long way to helping him.” She shook her head. “I have every right to hate him. I have scars because of him, my closest friends were tortured and nearly killed by him, and yet… I can look past all of that and see the man that just needs to be compassion. Snoke twisted and manipulated him and turned him against everything he once believed in. But he’s changed, he’s changing.”

General Organa clasped her hands behind her back, leveling Rey with a cutting look. “You were supposed to neutralize the target Rey. Not fall in love with him.”

Rey’s eyes widened at her words. “I didn’t… I don’t.” She didn’t, did she? That would be _too_ soon, wouldn’t it? “I just want to be there for him in the courtroom. He deserves support.”

She scoffed. “He deserves _death_.”

“He’s your son!”

“No. Not anymore.” She turned away from her then. “You’re dismissed for the day Rey. Retire to your quarters. Perhaps a good night’s sleep will set your mind straight.”

Rey watched as the General left. She didn’t understand how she could be so cold towards Ben. Even after all he had done, he was _still_ her son. But Ben had predicted that it would be this way. She only hoped that there was some way around the death sentence that he had also foreseen.  She didn’t think she could handle losing him.

She tried to stay put in her quarters, but she couldn’t sleep. There was too much going through her mind and the absence of Ben was a difficult one to overcome. In a matter of days he’d become a part of her life that had felt like it belonged.

No amount of meditating would get him out from under her skin.

Rey honestly didn’t care if General Organa thought she was crazy, she was going to represent Ben, if only to be there beside him in the courtroom, when it got to be too much for him. She’d seen the way it could build up and cause him to have a panic attack. He might have been a criminal, but he was also a damaged human. A heavy hand wasn’t going to do him any good.

Tomorrow she would find where they were holding him. She had promised him that she wouldn’t let him sit alone day in and day out and she meant to uphold that promise.

His battle was her battle now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really see Leia as a complete hard ass when it comes to this. I think killing Han was her breaking point over Ben.


	12. Chapter 12

“Poe, do you know where they’re keeping Ben?” Rey questioned, slamming her plate down on the table a little louder than necessary.

Poe glanced towards Finn before addressing her, “I do. I was actually put in charge of a few of the shifts.” He rubbed at his jaw, leaning across the table and dropping his voice. “Do you want to see him?”

Rey smiled hopefully. “ _Yes_. I don’t even care if it’s just a few minutes. I’d like to see him today.”

Finn rolled his eyes. “I really thought you’d snap out of this Rey. I don’t get what the appeal is.”

“Well then it’s a good thing I’m the one who likes him and not you.” Rey bit out, staring down at her food. “I hate not being able to feel him.” She chewed on her bottom lip. “I got used to it and now it’s just _silent_.”

Poe reached out and squeezed her hand. “Part of me wishes the two of you could have just run off with the Millennium Falcon and not come back.”

“ _Poe_!” Finn gave him a look. “I thought you were on my side.”

“I’m not on any sides.” Poe retorted, resuming eating his breakfast. “I just know that Ben isn’t Kylo Ren when he’s with Rey. That man was the one I knew as I child, not the one that interrogated me.” He shrugged. “I don’t see why he can’t have visitors.”

“I doubt he’ll have any other visitors. It’ll just be me.” Rey met Finn’s glare. “Don’t give me that look. I’m not even phased by it. You can be as pissy as you’d like, but it doesn’t change a damn thing.” She looked at Poe then. “When’s your shift?”

“After breakfast.” Poe held his hand up to keep her from saying anything else. “For the record, I was going to tell you at breakfast, if you didn’t come I was going to hit your quarters on the way to the holding cell.”

Rey smiled thankfully. At least they had someone in their corner. “I hate that he was right about how his mother was going to respond. I mean, I knew she wouldn’t receive him with open arms. But… I don’t know, I hoped she’d go easy on him. I thought she’d see the light.”

Poe shrugged. “I think she can’t go easy on him. I don’t think anyone would respect her if she did, just because he’s her son. It complicates the situation.”

“I just thought a mother would try to find some way to save her son,” She sighed. “But what do I know about parents?”

“Did you ever think he might be the reason your parents never came back?” Finn remarked, shoveling a bite of his food in, fixing her with a sassy look.

“The thought has crossed mind several hundred times. Thank you.” Rey gritted out. “I realize it’s very likely that, that’s what happened to them. Why they never came back for me. But I understand that Snoke was no easy force to fight. The dark side is an addiction. It’s an easy path to take and it’s tempting, the power is all right there. I think everyone who’s Force sensitive is tempted. Even I am. It’s a struggle that not everyone is strong enough to fight alone.”

“Which is where you come in.” Poe said with a small smile. “If only you’d been around when he was a kid, you might have been what he needed to stave off of the dark side.”

“Maybe.” Rey shrugged. “I don’t even know if he remembers his actual childhood. I’m skeptical at some of his memories. But then I see how General Organa is now and I can see how she would have shut him out as a kid.” She reached her for her drink and took a long pull from it. “If he dies, I don’t know how I’m going to take it.”

“Don’t worry Rey, we’ll be here if you need a shoulder.” Finn said, giving Poe a sideways look, like he was expecting a pat on the back for being nice.

“Thanks.” Rey smiled a little, before covering her face as she sneezed. “Guess it’s not Ben I’m allergic to.”

“You should get that checked out,” Poe said, pointing his fork at her. “We don’t need you getting sick.”

“I think it’s just allergies. Three different climates in a matter of days.” Rey rubbed at her nose. “Besides, I don’t really get sick.” She waved her hand dismissively then. “Eat faster.”

“Rey, the man will eat at his own pace. It’s not going to make his shift get any closer.”

She kicked Finn under the table. “Why are you being like this?”

“Like what?”

Rey widened her eyes. “Unsupportive, snide, and all around _rude_.”

Finn looked at Poe, as if he was going to bail him out, but the pilot just held up his hands. “I’m staying out of this.”

“I don’t need you causing me anymore problems.” Rey said, meeting Finn’s gaze. “I know you think I’m crazy, but I promise you I’m not. I just know what’s right and I’m standing by what I believe. It would mean a lot to me if you’d be supportive.”

Finn pursed his lips. “I can try.”

“Thank you.”

\---

Rey’s heart was in her throat as Poe worked at unlocking the cell door for her. 

“You’ve got at least ten minutes, maybe fifteen.” Poe said, glancing up and down the hall. “I really don’t want to get either of us in trouble.”

“It’s not like I’m breaking him out,” Rey rolled her eyes. “I did say I was going to represent him after all. A representative should get to talk to the person she’s representing.”

“You have a point.” Poe laughed. “Tell him I hope he slept well.”

“Will do,” Rey gave him a mock salute, slipping through the cracked door. She was shocked by how quiet it felt within the cell. The second she stepped inside, she was completely cut off from the Force. But that didn’t concern her as much as Ben did.

“ _Rey_.” His eyes lit up as he moved off of his little cot. “I didn’t think I’d see you today.”

“What happened to your face?” She questioned, lifting her hand to gently cup his cheek, brushing her thumb over the discolored skin around his eye.

“I deserved it.” Ben said with a shrug. “Or at least they said I did.” He lifted his arms so she could slip between them. “Apparently some of their family members were killed by me or the First Order. I don’t even know anymore. I have a feeling there’s a lot of people on this base that would like to take a swing at me for someone they lost.”

“I can’t even heal it.” Rey frowned, brushing her fingers over the injury again. “How’s your back? They weren’t exactly gentle with you yesterday.”

Ben frowned, “They have no reason to be gentle with me.” He rubbed his fingers over the small of her back. “I think this cell will do me some good, I’m cut off from the Force completely, and I’m able to actually _feel_ without the dark side trying to corrupt my emotions. Of course it’s all come far too late.”

“I’m going to keep working on your mother. She’s going to be hard to persuade, but I refuse to go down without a fight.” Honestly, Rey had expected not to feel the way she did about him, without the Force thrumming between them. But she felt it just as strong. “Poe is one of the officers that’s going to be keeping guard at your door. I think he’ll let me in whenever he’s on shift. He also said he hoped you slept well.”

“Thank him for me.” Ben said, pressing his forehead against hers. “I really am in debt to him.” He drew her in closer, his hands skimming over her back. “How did you sleep?”

“Not well. I kept worrying about you.” She admitted, pressing her cheek against his chest. “How did you sleep?”

“I hate to say that I slept well, but I did. For once there was silence and I could sleep in peace. No offense. It was just nice to have my own thoughts for once.” He rested his chin on top of her head. “I missed having you in my arms though.”

“You better.” Rey sighed, completely content to just stand there in his arms until Poe told her she had to go. “I don’t know for certain when your trial will begin. We could have a few more days or few weeks. Your mother probably won’t very forthcoming with me. I think she thinks I’ve lost it for caring about you.”

“I’m sure she sees herself as having been the best mother in the galaxy, when in fact, she was _not_. I was a product of my environment. An easy target because of who I am and what I felt at the time.” His eyes fell closed and he blew out a heavy breath.

Rey smoothed her hands over his chest, looking up at him. “It seems like a night alone in here has done you some good.”

“For now. I’m sure eventually the silence will get to me.” Ben smiled a little. “Is this what it feels like to be _normal_? To have nothing but yourself when you’re alone?”

She nodded slowly. “Before I realized my abilities, when I was still just a scavenger on Jakku, I felt none of what I feel now. Well, _now_ as in outside of the cell. I think this silence would make me go crazy.”

Ben chuckled. “I wonder if the reverse will happen, considering I started out crazy.”

“You weren’t crazy,” Rey assured him, lifting up on her toes to kiss him. “I’m pretty sure everyone thinks I’m crazy. I think Finn was running his mouth in that half hour delay between their arrival and ours.” She rolled her eyes. “You’re mother in particular.”

Ben’s brows furrowed together. “I don’t want you to face judgement because of me, Rey.”

“I don’t _care_ if they think I’m crazy because I happen to care about you. They don’t even seem to think that it’s worth trying to give you a chance. If they would just take the time to understand… You _want_ to be different. Kylo Ren isn’t who you are anymore.”

Ben tried to lift his hand to reach her face, forgetting that the shackles didn’t really afford him that much movement. Rey reached behind her, covering his hands with hers. “I hate hearing that name now. I am no longer part of the Knights of Ren. That part of me died, on Mustafar, when you saved me.”

“Ben suits you better than Kylo Ren.” Rey moved to rest her hands on his shoulders. “You better not give up. I plan to fight for you and I don’t want it to be for not. Just remember what you’re holding out for.”

He smiled sadly, the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I think I’m most sorry that I got you involved in this Rey. I can’t stand knowing that I’ll be the reason your heart breaks.”

“ _No_.” Rey pulled him down for a kiss. “My heart will not break. I’m going to find a way. I _promise_.”

“You’re _so_ optimistic.” Ben said with a soft laugh, his words muffled against her lips. “I wish I could be.”

“Maybe it’ll rub off on you eventually.” She wrapped her arms around him, pressing her cheek against his chest. Rey knew glanced back as she heard the door open, her heart instantly sinking. “I’m coming Poe.”

Ben held her a little tighter. “Have a good day Rey.” He whispered, his hands sliding over her back. “Thank you for letting her come in here.”

“I’ll do my best to let the two of you see each other,” Poe said, lingering in the doorway. “Damn, what happened to your face?”

Ben lifted his arms to let Rey slip out from under. “I got punched in the face. Can’t exactly fight back with these on.” He moved to sit on the edge of his bed. “I’m sure it won’t be the first or last blow I take.”

Poe crossed his arms across his chest. “I’m sorry, man. I’m pretty sure there’s rules in place about assaulting our prisoners.” He gave Rey a look, “I’ll make sure no one takes any shots while I’m on the clock.”

“Thank you.” Rey looked back at Ben. “I’ll see you as soon as I can.” She cupped his cheek and leaned down to kiss his forehead.

“I might be able to get you a holoreader in here to pass the time.” Poe said.

“That would be incredible, thank you.” Ben bowed his head, as though he didn’t want to watch as Rey walked away.

Once they were on the opposite side of the cell, out of earshot, Poe grabbed Rey’s arm. “General Organa has arranged the trial already. I got the update while you were in there. She’s estimating that it’ll take a few months. It starts in a day. They plan to enumerate each and every one of his crimes.”

Rey grimaced. “ _Wonderful_.” She shook her head, looking towards the cell door. “I don’t know how he’ll do with that. One night in the cell and he’s already a little different, if they start adding the weight of everything he’s done…” She closed her eye. “If only there were more people in our corner.”

“I might be able to find some.” Poe said, “Don’t take that as a promise, but it’s a starting place. I doubt _everyone_ here is for capital punishment, even for someone like him. Honestly, I was surprised that General Organa put me on cell duty. I’m a pilot not a guard.” He shrugged his shoulders. “Either she wanted me because I have a personal history with Ben or because of you.”

“I doubt I have anything to do with it. She was _not_ receptive to me talking about him.” Rey was _certain_ General Organa wasn’t interested in helping her see Ben, mainly because Ben didn’t even exist to her. “I think I’m going to go spar and train.” She said, staring at the cell. “You know how to get in touch with me if anything happens.”

“I’ll let you know what I hear from my parents.”

“Your parents?”

Poe nodded. “I think they might be in your favor.”

Rey’s brows rose upwards. “I hope they are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This felt like such a shaky chapter.
> 
> I think the next few might have a very different formatting, so be prepared!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really did not expect to have another chapter ready today, but here it is. Honestly, it's probably for the best - I have a feeling work this week is going to kill me after an exhausting weekend.
> 
> Special thanks to starzangelus for helping with the Damerons' names. They're perfect. 
> 
> I hope everyone enjoys this chapter. Like I said in the last chapter, the formatting is different somewhat.

**Day One**

The first day of the trial had been boring, in Rey’s opinion. They spent the majority of the day introducing themselves – a panel of thirty-one leaders, allies, and dignitaries – and then they debated over who had felt the First Order’s wrath the hardest. General Organa remained silent and Rey knew it was because if she spoke, she’d have to admit that _she_ was the one who had suffered the most at the First Order’s hand.

Instead, General Organa spent most of the hearing watching Rey interact with Ben. She refused to leave his side, even if it meant feeling the scrutinizing glares of everyone crowded around them in the amphitheater. She’d only been afforded a few stolen moments with him before the trial and she used the agonizingly long day to reach out to him through the Force. The chains at his wrists dampened his use of the Force considerably, but she was still able to enter his mind, and soothe him.

It killed her to see how broken he looked and his mind reflected his expression. The silence in his cell was clearly weighing upon him. Even with Poe bringing him new material for his holoreader, he was left alone to his thoughts.

Rey had seen substance abuse on Jakku, when a freighter of suppliers crashed and burned through their stock in short time. They had to come off the addiction abruptly, rather than slowly weening themselves off of it, and she saw similarities between how they had reacted and how Ben reacted without the Force.

**Day Three**

Poe’s parents arrived from Coruscant just before the trial started for the day and Rey didn’t get a chance to talk to them before they had to file into the courtroom. They sat with Poe and Finn behind Ben and Rey. The woman, who Poe got most of his looks from, kept reassuringly squeezing Rey’s shoulder, every time a particularly shocking part of Ben’s history as Kylo Ren was discussed before the masses.

Ben wouldn’t let her into his mind as his mother discussed the calculated attack he waged against the Jedi Academy that his uncle had worked so hard to form. His eyes were glassy and distant as he stared at a spot somewhere ahead of him. But he clutched at her hand so tightly that Rey was certain she’d be bruised by the evening.

One of the military leaders on the council discussed in _grave_ detail, what had become of their youngest son, which they had only just delivered to the academy. They had been overjoyed to learn that one of their children exhibited Force sensitivity and despite reservations, Master Luke had convinced them that their son would be in safe hands. Within a week of dropping off their son, he was returning home to them in a box. Rey’s stomach turned at the details the man gave about the young boy’s decapitation and how his arms were severed in such a way that they knew he was well aware that his life was going to end.

He was seven.

The court was adjourned early.

Poe arranged for his parents to meet with Ben and Rey in his cell. Rey had been fully prepared to hear that his parents had _no_ interest in supporting them after that tale, but Poe gave her a thumbs up as he stepped into the cell ahead of his parents.

“Mother, father, I’d like you to meet Rey. You already know Ben.” Poe said, pushing the cell door shut behind them.

Rey rose up off the foot of Ben’s cot, thankful to hear him following after her. She was worried about him, he’d taken the commander’s story particularly hard, which was unfortunate because he’d warned her that the worst was yet to come.

“It’s _so_ nice to meet you Mr. and Mrs. Dameron.” Rey said, holding her hand out to shake theirs.

“Please, call me Isa.” Poe’s mother said, hugging Rey instead of shaking her hand.

“Seeing as she set the tone, you can call me Lin.” His father said, hugging her as well. The Damerons were apparently the hugging sort and honestly, Rey _needed_ it.

“I’d hug you too, Ben, but the chains and your height make it a little cumbersome.” Isa said, smiling warmly up at Ben. “Have you been sleeping?”

“Not particularly well,” He said with a slight chuckle, “It’s good to see you again Isa… Lin.” He looked to Poe’s father then. “It’s been far too long. I wish it could be under different circumstances.”

Isa clasped her hands together. “Don’t we all. But, it is was it is. When Poe contacted us, we didn’t hesitate to come to help.”

“I was afraid today was going to convince you to pack up and go back to Coruscant.” Rey said, rubbing at the back of her neck as she moved to stand beside Ben, looping her arm around his.

“While the testimonies may paint a harsh light, they are also testimonies to the darkness that lurks in all of our hearts and those of us are who are not strong enough to resist the forces that mean to prey upon us.” Lin said, looking to Ben. “If you are sincere in turning away from that past, Isa and I are willing to support fairer treatment. Your conversion back to the light could be a fine example that redemption is still attainable for those caught up in the First Order.”

“That’s what I said.” Rey smiled at the older man, “Though far less eloquently.” She stifled a cough, succumbing to the frustrating tickle that had been irritating the back of her throat all day.

“Are you alright?” Ben questioned, looking down at her with concern.

“I just need water.” Rey said dismissively. “I’ll get some in a little bit.”

“You are a very lucky man, Ben,” Isa said, looking between the two of them. “If she is _half_ the woman that Poe has described her as being, than you are the luckiest man. Especially in these circumstances.”

“Oh trust me, I am well aware that I lucked out.” Ben grinned at her. “I don’t know what I did to deserve her.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “Isa, don’t fuel him.” She laughed, moving her hand down to rest at his hand. “I’m sure when this is all over he’ll be questioning how he got himself into this mess.”

“ _Hardly_.”

Rey smiled brightly at him. He was showing more life than he had over the past three days. Were the Damerons that little bit of hope he needed to fight a little harder? Did he need to be shown that others would support him? She’d find others. With the Damerons showing their support, others would come forward.

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news,” Poe started, “But we’ll have to go shortly. My shift change will be here in less than ten minutes.”

“Rey, we would love to have dinner with you.” Isa said, smiling at her. “And when this is over, we’d love for you to join us Ben.”

“I’d like that.” Ben said with a nod, squeezing Rey’s hand. “Get that cough looked at.”

“It’s nothing.” Rey said, leaning up on her toes to kiss his cheek. “Don’t worry about me.”

“I always worry about you.”

“Of course you do.” Rey shook her head, “I need to go. I don’t want Poe to get in trouble. Try to sleep tonight. Just think about that fantasy of yours.” She stroked his cheek. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Ben lifted his arms up so Rey could slip under the chains and hug him like her life depended upon it. She never got enough of touching him and she couldn’t wait for the day that she could touch him whenever she wanted to, however she wanted to.

**Day Seven**

The next four days were agonizing. Others took the podium to regale the crowd with stories of their fallen loved ones. Rey was thankful that Ben let her reach out to him, because it distracted her from the vivid images of mangled children and near-genocidal carnage that had been wreaked across the galaxy.

Remorse poured through Ben, overwhelming her to the point that she sat beside him weeping. His own eyes glistened with tears that didn’t fall. General Organa watched them carefully as Rey alternated between letting him hold her hand and playing with the hair at the nape of his neck to soothe his nerves.

The Damerons were joined by Geniv Petroh, one of the intelligence officers who had cornered Rey in the training room to confess to her that she’d received intel from her daughter who was deeply imbedded in the First Order. She was afraid to defect, afraid that she’d be treated as a criminal to the Resistance.

Ben’s trial was her only hope. If Kylo Ren could escape with his life after defecting, then so could Ri Petroh.

But for every ally they had there were hundreds, if not thousands, against them. The courtroom seemed to swell with more and more people each day.

The hurled cruel comments at Rey when they saw her leave at Ben’s side. The insults got under her skin so much so that she started eating in her quarters, instead of dealing with the ridicule in the mess hall.

**Day Ten**

Rey adored Poe’s parents. Isa made certain that Ben had healthy food to eat, wanting to make sure he kept his body in good condition, because she knew his mind’s condition was far from _good_. They regaled her with stories of Ben when he was little, which embarrassed him to no end. But the stories made him laugh and that was all that really mattered to Rey.

**Day Fourteen**

Poe managed to get her an entire night with Ben. He teased them about making the chains work in their favor, but truth be told, all they wanted to do was _sleep_. Rey hated how quiet it was in the cell, but curled up on Ben’s chest with his arms wrapped around her, led to one of her best nights of sleep since the trial began.

Her cough was worse. It rattled low in her chest every time it seized her, but she didn’t feel like going to the medbay and being judged by patients that were in there because of the First Order. She felt like she was being seen as a traitor, when all she was trying to do was prove that redemption could be found. Ben Solo was _proof_ of that.

Grendo Veek joined their small group of supporters. He didn’t understand how the Resistance could act like they were above the First Order, if they weren’t able to show mercy to an enemy turned innocent. Ben had been amused by the fact that someone saw him as _innocent_.

**Day Sixteen**

“Do you remember Mozam Zar?” Isa questioned Poe as they sat in a circle on the floor of Ben’s cell. They had started spending evenings with his supporters, discussing what they would say when it came time to counter the lengthy testimonies that threatened to dismantle anything they might say.

“She was a Twi’lek right?’

Lin laughed at his son, “She was a Togruta!”

“They look similar.”

Rey stared at him. “I thought you were more civilized!” She tossed a loaf of bread at him. “They look _very_ different.”

Ben laughed heartily, “They do look a little similar.”

Rey looked over her shoulder at Ben. “ _Don’t_.”

“I don’t even know what either of them look like.” Finn said, his mouth half full of the bread he had been eating.

“Aayla is a Twi’lek.” Poe told Finn, “She’s one of our better pilots.”

“ _Anyways_.” Isa said, clearing her throat. “Mozam is willing to come here to be on Ben’s side. She is one that has always strongly supported peace and understanding, rather than lashing out in violence.”

“You have no idea how thankful we are.” Rey said, leaning back against Ben.

“Do you speak for both of us now?” He teased.

“ _Mhm._ I do. Did I forget to tell you?” She grinned. Honestly, she’d never imagined being surrounded by a group of people willing to help them. They all supported them with the same unwavering faith that she felt. Perhaps it was contagious, because even Ben started slipping and talking about the future.

“You did.” He pressed his lips to the back of her head. “I don’t mind though, so you’re lucky.”

“Good. Because you were just going to have to learn to deal with it.” Rey coughed softly, even though her chest rattled with every inhale. Her allergies had gotten progressively worse, but she didn’t have time to worry about herself.

“I’m sure this will surprise everyone,” Finn started, “But I think I found someone else who might want to help.”

“Who?” Poe questioned, snatching a piece of fruit off Finn’s plate.

“Vesta.”

“ _Vesta_?”

Finn nodded. “Her brother is part of the First Order. Ben, did you know Vector Ess?”

Ben thought for a moment, “The surname Ess sounds familiar. You’ll have to understand that there were _hundreds_ of personnel on every base. I wasn’t really concerned with learning names, they came and went so frequently. You’d understand that.”

Finn stared down at his plate. “Especially Stormtroopers. Right?”

Ben sighed heavily. “Can we not do this? It’s exhausting enough in the courtroom to hear everything I’ve done wrong broadcast to a room full of angry people. I spend my nights in here, completely cut off from the Force and then I sit there and get blasted with so many emotions. It’s sensory overload, even with the cuffs muffling the connection.”

“I’m sorry.” Finn admitted and Rey knew that look of sincerity on his face. “I didn’t mean…”

“It’s _fine_.” Ben said quietly, bowing his head against Rey’s shoulder.

“I think that’s it for the night,” Isa said, clapping her hands together. “How about the rest of us meet in our quarters and let Rey and Ben spend a little time together?”

They packed up the picnic and left quietly and Poe returned to his post outside the door.

“I could help block what you feel in the courtroom. Why didn’t you tell me?” Rey questioned, turning a little to look behind her at Ben. “I knew this cell was taking its toll on you, but I didn’t even _think_ how jarring it must be.”

“Rey, I don’t want you exhausting yourself on my account. No offense, but you look like _hell_.”

“ _What_?”

“Your eyes are red and your chest sounds like a rusty exhaust pipe.”

Rey fixed him with a look, moving out from under his arms, turning around to face him. “I’m flattered.”

“You’re sick.”

“No, its allergies,” Rey insisted. “I went to the medbay… that’s all it is.” She hadn’t gone to the medbay, but without the Force there was no way for him to know that.

“That’s all it is?”

She nodded. “So stop worrying about me. You’re the one that looks grey during the trial, not me.”

“Are you staying tonight?”

Rey frowned. “I don’t think so. Poe mentioned having a shift change tonight. We’re going to have to sleep alone tonight.”

“Why haven’t my crimes run you off?”

“Because I see them as Snoke’s manipulations. Just as everyone else _should_ see them. You made the choice to all of them, but under the belief that it was the right thing to do because you were being used.” She cupped his cheek. “I know we’ll never have as many people for us as there are against us, but it says something that there are people – beside _me_ – that support you. What they’re doing is unfair. I’m afraid it’s all rigged. All of those people up there despise you. How could thirty-one people who are already against you, make a decision about what to do with you? Exile won’t even be an option.”

“Lin told me he intends to address that. The council should be more impartial. I’m so thankful Poe asked them to come for me. They were always well respected.”

“Why did they leave?”

“Mother.” He frowned. “After I left and everything fell apart and father left for good, mother changed – from what I understand. Some of her longest held allies chose to seek out other places to live.”

“Your mother has been so quiet through all of this.”

“I think she’s noticed.”

“Noticed what?”

“The Damerons, Geniv, Grendo… Ashka, Yndo. Everyone who is joining us. I think she’s noticed that there are others that disagree with her.” He glanced towards the doorway. “Haven’t you noticed Poe’s been having more and more shifts outside my door? Don’t think that General Organa doesn’t know he lets you in here.”

“ _Oh_.” Rey’s brows knit together. “Is she helping us?”

“I don’t know.”

“Let’s hope she is. It would be nice to think that she might not hate me when all of this over.” Rey leaned in and press a kiss to Ben’s lips, resting her forehead against his. “Promise me you’ll try to sleep some tonight.”

“Only if you try to sleep too.” Ben retorted with a playful grin.

“You need more rest than me. You’re under more stress.” Rey insisted. She didn’t know if she was going to sleep. Her chest was killing her from suppressing coughs all day. But she was hoping to get a couple hours.

“I wonder what horrors tomorrow will bring back to the surface.” Ben sighed, “It feels like hearing stories about some holovid I’ve seen. It doesn’t feel like _me_. Not anymore.”

“That’s because Kylo Ren did all of that, not Ben. Not _really_.” Rey started to stand up, tugging Ben up with her. “Think of the future tonight, don’t dwell on the past. You’ve been in better spirits, we don’t need another set back.”

“I know.” Ben lifted his hands so he could stroke his knuckles over her cheek. “I’m looking forward to the day I can hold you without shackles getting in the way.”

“I’m looking forward to the day we can feel each other again.” Rey said, leaning into his touch.

The door opened, “Everyone decent?”

“Yes!” Rey laughed as Poe popped his head in with his hand over his eyes. “Do I need to go?”

“Unfortunately.”

“I figured time was running short.” She looked back at Ben. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Sleep well.” Ben kissed her forehead. “And feel better.”

“I already am.” Rey lied, flashing him a smile. She felt like hell, but she wasn’t going to let him know. He needed to focus on himself, not _her_. Once this was over she’d be better anyways. “Don’t forget to eat some of that fruit Isa brought you.”

“I’m glad she remembered that Nabooian peaches were my favorite. I haven’t had them in so long.” Ben said as he moved to lay on his bed. “Thank them for me Poe. I can’t express enough gratitude.”

“It’s not a problem, Ben. You make Rey happy – I’d do anything for you two.”

Rey hugged Poe tightly. She loved feeling like she had family. Isa and Lin had taken her under their wings and made her feel like she had a home with them. They cared so deeply for her, all of the people who had rallied around her did. For someone who had been convinced she’d be alone for the rest of her life, back on Jakku, she had so many people who cared. And so did Ben.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a strange chapter. I will warn you that there is smut in this. There is also brief mentions of sexual assault/rape. 
> 
> We're halfway through the trial now!

**Day Nineteen**

Finn’s friend Vesta joined the supporters after a little coercing. While she supported the cause, she was more concerned with what would happen to _her_ when the trial inevitably ended in favor of the defense. Her negativity annoyed Rey to no end, but if Vesta was willing to be a face among the crowd that supported Ben, then she was willing to deal with it.

It was reassuring to see two rows of people who supported them and it sent a message to the council. Even as they continued to expose every dark deed that Ben had ever committed as Kylo Ren.

Rey hated the looks she got from people she had once respected and considered her equals. They whispered behind her back and some didn’t even have the decency to keep it behind her back. On more than one occasion she’d been cornered in the hallway on her way to Ben’s cell, subjected to callous and downright cruel comments.

Poe and Finn were insistent that she ought to report the officers for harassment, especially considering most of their remarks were sexually derogative, but Rey didn’t want _more_ trouble. They’d get theirs one day. She had thick skin – Jakku hadn’t exactly been a kind world, growing up a parentless girl came with its risks.

**Day Twenty-Three**

Poe let slip that Rey was having issues with a few of the officers and was _insistent_ that Rey point them out to him in the courtroom. Surprisingly, they stopped bothering her. Something about Ben’s murderous glares must have been enough to convince them that calling her his slut, whore, and whatever variation wasn’t worth their lives if he got ahold of them.

**Day Twenty-Five**

“Rey, I’d like you to meet Mozam.” Lin said, gesturing for Rey to come over to join him and Isa.

Rey was _exhausted._ It had been a particularly hard day for Ben, but he’d been willing to let her in to comfort him and it was worth dealing with the effects after to make sure he didn’t come unhinged. She forced a smile and shook the woman’s hand. “I’ve heard so much about you.”

“And I have heard quite a lot about you.” Mozam said with a nod of her head. “I believe General Organa attempted to keep this trial quiet, or at least someone within the Resistance did. But news is starting to spread. I believe D’Qar will continue to find itself receiving new guests.”

“That doesn’t sound good for _us_. We’re already terribly outnumbered. With only a little over a month left, I’m not sure if more visitors will be good for us.” Rey rubbed at her eyes. She had a headache and her eye sockets were killing her from the pressure.

She really ought to go to the medbay. But the last time she had stepped foot inside, she’d felt the waves of anger coming off of the patients that were there because of the First Order. She didn’t need that on top of everything else.

Mozam sighed heavily. “It is equal parts good and bad. The further the news spreads, the more you may find sympathizers. I have relatives that I might be able to encourage to come.” She arched a brow thoughtfully. “If you win this case, against all odds, what do you intend to do with Ben?”

“We intend to leave and go somewhere that we might be able to live in relative anonymity.”

“You’d both be wasting such incredible potential.”

Rey shrugged. “It’s a sacrifice we’re willing to make, to be able to be happy.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “After this trial, we would have no place here. We’d always be looking over our shoulder. We’d never feel safe.” She smiled a little wistfully. “I think we’ve almost settled on living in Naboo.”

“Naboo?” Lin interrupted with an edge of surprise. “Why Naboo?”

“It’s beautiful there and it’s peaceful. I know his grandmother was from there. But I don’t think that’s what’s leading his desire to go there.” Her lashes fluttered as her mind drifted to his little fantasy for them.

“We have close friends in Naboo,” Lin said, reaching out to squeeze her arm. “We will take care of the two of you. When we win this, we’ll make sure you are safely away from everything the Resistance has become.”

“Thank you.”

“I believe I can speak for Isa also, but we see you as the daughter we never had.”

Rey blinked, feeling tears sting at her eyes. “You do?”

Lin nodded, pulling her into a hug. One thing she’d learned about the Damerons, was that they were very much into hugging. “We do. We wouldn’t give up everything to throw ourselves in a trial for just anyone.”

“Thank you.” Rey whispered, hugging him tightly. “Ben will be overjoyed to hear that.”

Mozam cleared her throat, “And this is the side to the trial that ought to be publicized. That this is a trial where healing is at its core, not destruction.”

**Day Thirty**

Ben was furious. Rey hadn’t seen him so angry before. He’d overturned his cot, torn up his sheets, and his wrists were red and angry from fighting against his shackles. His temper flared in the worst of ways and it was all genuine anger, the Force hadn’t fueled him within the cell.

“They’ve painted me out to be some _monster_! That man stood up there and blatantly _lied_ to a courtroom of people, under sworn oath that the truth would be told! I could rip him apart with my bare hands.”

“Ben you have to calm down.” Rey said, keeping her back pressed against the wall as she watched him pace back and forth in an almost manic fashion. “If you get yourself this worked up, I’m not going to be able to help calm you down.”

“You don’t seem to _understand_ why I’m angry. Did you not hear what he said? How he claimed that I did those unspeakable things to his daughter! Rey, I did terrible things, but you and I both know that before you I never…”

“Yes. _We_ know this. But no one out there knows that.” She took a cautious step forward, holding her hands out for him. “I’m going to speak with your mother. But you need to calm down.” Rey stepped past him, her eyes uncertain as she studied his face. “This anger isn’t good for either of us.”

“How are you feeling?” Ben questioned, sidestepping her suggestion and diverting to something else.

“Better.” It wasn’t a lie. She felt better than she had been feeling. “I told you it was nothing to worry about.” Rey remarked, turning his cot back over and fixing the sheets, even though the top one was nearly torn in half. “Are you done caring on?”

Ben came up behind her as she stood up straight, pressing his forehead against her shoulder. “I didn’t _do_ that Rey. I will admit to every other crime they’ve brought against me, but I will not accept punishment for something I would _never_ do.” He lifted his arms so he could catch her in between the shackles and his body.

Rey swallowed thickly, leaning back against him. “I promise you I’ll talk to General Organa. I will get her to have him take it back, tomorrow… In front of everyone. I know that you would never, but everyone will too.” She chewed on her bottom lip, “Is _that_ how your anger manifests itself now?” She remarked, feeling his erection pressed again her back.  “You know Poe is right outside that door, right?”

“He was in the Millennium Falcon too, but that didn’t stop us.” Ben said, brushing his lips over the curve of her neck. “The Millennium Falcon was a _long_ time ago.”

She slipped her hand back between them, brushing her palm over his cock through his trousers. “Will this _help_ you?” Rey questioned, turning her head to look back at him. “An outlet for your anger.”

“ _Yes_.”

Rey turned her head a little more so she could kiss him. “I had a feeling that’s what you were wanting. You’re lucky that I feel better today or you’d be getting a big resounding _no_ from me.”

“I was half-expecting that I’d get that response.” Ben made a face. “I was prepared to take matters into my own hands later.” He chuckled, his hands resting at the small of her back as she turned around to face him.

Rey smiled against his lips. “How are we going to make this work with the chains?” She questioned, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. “I mean, I could ride you again, I suppose.”

“I had an idea…” Ben’s cheeks were bright red.

“Is that what you think about when I’m not here?” Rey teased, rising up on her toes to kiss him again. “Let’s hear it.”

“I don’t know if it works logistically, given the height difference… but,” He urged her to turn back around in his arms. “See the height is all wrong.”

Rey’s brows shot upwards. “Arms up. I think I know how to make this work.” She slipped out from under his arms, turning around to face him. Her eyes dropped to his trousers, fingers working deftly to unfasten them.

“What’s your plan?” Ben questioned, groaning softly as she teased her fingers over his length once she’d freed it.

Rey grinned at him. “Just you wait.” She promised him, curling her fingers around him, getting him nice and worked up. Once she got him exactly where she wanted him, she turned away from him to push her leggings down her hips.

His cot was just the right height to facilitate this and even if it wasn’t, she was going to find a way to make this work for them. She moved to kneel on the edge of the bed, planting her hands firmly on the mattress.

“I’m going to die of humiliation if Poe walks in.” Rey said, already feeling her cheeks burning with a mixture of arousal and embarrassment. This was a new position for her. She _knew_ how it worked and all, but she’d never had a chance to play with it.

“I can’t wait for the day I don’t have these damned cuffs on.” Ben complained as he stepped up behind her, his hands skimming over her skin. “But what I _really_ can’t wait for is being in you again.”

“I’ve created a monster.” Rey teased, wiggling her ass back for his benefit. “What are you waiting for, Ben? You don’t want Poe interrupting us, do you?”

“ _No_.” Ben drawled out, his cock brushing over her slick center. He pressed into her slowly and Rey had to bite down on her bottom lip to keep from crying out and altering Poe to what they were doing.

She gripped the bedsheets tightly beneath her palms. If he hadn’t already torn them, she would have done the same. The angle was perfect. He felt so much larger like this. “That’s it Ben. I can take it.” She hissed out, urging him to give her more. He curled one hand around her hip, holding her steady as he thrust forward, filling her _fully_.

Rey could barely keep from crying out at the sheer pleasure that coursed through her when he bottomed out. He pulled back, nearly completely, only the head of his cock still buried within her, before he thrust forward fully. Her head was spinning and her body was wound up tight. She rocked back against his thrusts, encouraging him to pick up the pace. As much as she wanted to savor the moment, she didn’t want them to be interrupted.

Ben’s fingers were going to leave bruises at her hip and she didn’t mind at all. “ _Rey_.” He groaned out, driving himself into her desperately. “Tell me how you feel. Tell me how _I_ make you feel.”

“Full.” Rey gasped out. Her eyes clenched closed as they angle of his thrusts had him pressing into that spot within her that made her see stars. “ _So_ full. You feel so good Ben. _Fuck_.” She was a little louder this time when she moaned for him.

It was hard to think about anything else. The trial and its angst fell away. Their situation was far from her mind. All that mattered was the push and pull of his cock as he drove into her, making her feel like she was going to come apart at the seams.

“I can’t hold on much longer, Rey.” Ben hissed out through clenched teeth, his hold on her hip tightening more.

“I’m close.” Rey told him, her hand snaking down to tease herself, her finger working over her clit to get herself there sooner. “ _Harder_.”

Ben obliged her request – all but slamming himself into her. Again and again. That was all it took. Her fingers and his cock sent her careening over the edge and he was right there with her. He didn’t still until they were both completely sated. Rey planted face first on the bed, weighted down by Ben as his legs gave out.

They were a mess.

“That’s one way to prepare to talk to your mother.” Rey laughed, turning her head so she could talk and breathe. “Get your Wookie-sized self off of me. You’re crushing me!”

Ben pushed himself up and did his trousers back up, before he flopped onto the bed beside her. “I feel better.”

“Of course you do.” Rey grinned at him. “Such a man.”  She arched a brow. “Will you try not to destroy everything again? I’m surprised the cot survived us after how you treated it.”

Ben rubbed his lips together. “I’ll try not to destroy anything. But if someone else lies like that.” He shuttered. “I might have been a monster, but I was never _that_ sort of monster.”

“I don’t know why someone would lie about that.” Rey shook her head. “That’s a real crime that happens and it shouldn’t be used like this.”

“Unless it was someone in my personnel that did it. Perhaps the woman was confused by who her attacker was. Some who are weak minded are susceptible to delusions after interrogation.”

Rey frowned, feeling a little sick to her stomach at his words. “Then the actual attacker should be held accountable. You couldn’t control everything your people chose to do.”

“They should have known not to. But power drives many to cruel actions.” Ben pinched the bridge of his nose. “Will you come back after you speak with my mother?”

“Of course.” Rey smiled, cupping his cheek as she leaned in to kiss him. “Get some sleep while I’m gone. In case I’m late.” She climbed over top of him to get off of the bed, making sure she looked halfway presentable before she emerged from the cell.

“I wondered how long it would be before I overheard that.” Poe remarked as Rey turned the opposite direction. “This is the strangest walk of shame I’ve ever witnessed!”

Rey turned around to walk backwards so she could look at Poe. “And now I get to go talk to General Organa. I am _so_ lucky.” She laughed, “I’ll hopefully be back soon. I think his mood has mellowed out.”

“I can’t even imagine _why_.”

“Neither can I.” She grinned back at him.

**Day Thirty-One**

Her meeting with General Organa had been tedious. For once Rey was thankful that she kept Ben and Kylo as two separate entities. She hated that she had to refer to him Kylo when detailing their more intimate conversations and interactions on Devaron, but it was worth it because Leia _listened_ and _believed_ her.

Rey had never imagined a situation where she would be sitting before General Organa, explaining to her how inexperienced Ben had been when they had sex and how it was _clear_ to her that he had never done it before. While the General had been receptive to her plea to revisit Senator Yvilor's statement, Rey didn't dare to ask about Poe's duties outside Ben's cell or why she'd remained so quiet throughout the trial. 

Senator Yvilor admitted before the courtroom that he had not been honest about his story the previous day. His daughter had _not_ be assaulted by Kylo Ren after the interrogation, but one of his higher ranking officers – a man with reddish hair, who Rey and Ben identified as General Hux. The Senator confessed that he had claimed that it was Kylo Ren because he saw him at fault, regardless of who actually attacked his daughter.

The court retired early.

Ben begged Rey to bring Senator Yvilor over to him so he could apologize for the harm he had inadvertently caused. Rey assured him that while the thought was there, it was probably not the wisest decision to make. Senator Yvilor looked equal parts furious and embarrassed. Not the best combination for Ben to navigate around.

Isa pointed out that Senator Yvilor’s alteration of the truth proved a point she had come the conclusion of a few days prior. Everyone wanted to blame Ben for _everything_ that the First Order had done. It made their defense weak, but she was hesitant to use Senator Yvilor’s statement as an example, given its nature.

But the fact that the defense was willing to have a testimony recanted because it wasn’t true, spoke volumes. There was _hope_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't be too hopeful that Rey's illness has run its course.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the amazing comments you keep giving me! I can honestly say this chapter had a twist I never intended. Honestly this whole chapter came to me last night and I hope I captured their awkwardness when it comes to love. Enjoy!

**Thirty-Three**

Rey was sick again. Her chest felt like it had a Bantha sitting on it. Just when she’d thought she’d kicked the sickness in the ass it reared its ugly head again. This time it came with nausea and vomiting that she blamed on the phlegm in her chest and the nasal drip that burned the back of her throat.

She was a walking piece of art, really.

But she just _didn’t_ have the time to go the medbay. There was always a risk that they’d want to keep her overnight and she much preferred spending her evenings with Ben or her newfound family.

“Has she been sleeping?” Isa questioned Ben, glancing at Rey.

“I’m perfectly capable of answering that question myself.” She said, making a face before biting into a piece of peach.

“She hasn’t.”

“Hey!” Rey elbowed Ben. “You snore.”

Ben chuckled, “And you sound like a broken engine.” He kissed the side of her head. “You need to take better care of yourself, Rey.”

Rey waved her hand dismissively. “I’m fine. The medbay said it was just allergies. They’ll pass.” She met Isa’s gaze, knowing that the woman didn’t believe her. But thankfully she didn’t say anything. “I don’t have time to be sick. We’re halfway through this mess.”

“Soon,” Lin started as he lifted his cup to his lips. “We’ll be able to give our own statements. That’s the most crucial part of this entire trial. The council has shown itself to be one sided throughout this entire trial. I will be addressing this blatant bias.”

“Thank you.” Ben said sincerely. He lifted his arms up to allow Rey to lay back against his chest. “The amount of effort _all_ of you have put into this… I can’t even begin to express my gratitude.”

Rey tilted her head to smile at him, kissing the underside of his jaw. Poe _awed_ teasingly, “Shut up Poe.” She said, shooting him a look. “Don’t you dare say a word.”

Poe laughed. “I wasn’t going to, but now that you mention it…” He held his hands up. “Trust me, even sick you’re scary. I’m not going to piss you off.”

“If only the court could see how you are behind closed doors, Ben.” Isa said with a warm smile, looking between Rey and him. “The love that the two of you share is would be enough to convince even the hardest hearts to give you a chance.”

“ _Love_?” Rey gave a sputtering cough at that. They hadn’t actually discussed that emotion yet. Ben went rigid behind her. She didn’t need the Force to know what he was thinking or feeling. “Isa, we…”

“We haven’t gotten that far with this,” Ben said, curling his fingers around Rey’s hand. “It’s only been a little over a month.”

Isa gave them a look. “You’ve spent almost every night together and you don’t know if you love each other?”

Rey’s cheeks were burning hot.

“ _Ma_. They don’t always get up to _those_ hijinks,” Poe said with a hearty laugh. “I’m honestly surprised that it barely happens. I mean look at you two.”

“We’re taking our time,” Ben said, rubbing his thumb over the back of Rey’s hand. “It’s all very fast as it is. Love complicates this. It raises the stakes.” He sighed, pressing a kiss to the curve of her neck. “I don’t think that’s part of the plan for us.”

Rey chewed on her bottom lip. She knew she cared deeply about Ben. She’d laid awake at night and contemplated whether or not it was love she felt. Getting attached to him like that was dangerous. There was every chance he _would_ be sentenced to death and she’d have to go through losing the man she loved.

But they had never discussed it.

“Ben’s right… love would absolutely complicate this.” She sighed, closing her eyes. Maybe they needed to talk about where they stood. But maybe it was better not knowing, one way or the other.

“I just know what I see.” Isa said. “Whether you admit it or not, whatever is there between you speaks volumes.” She rubbed her hands together. “It shows that there is redemption even for those who have convinced themselves that they’re too lost to be saved.”

“Rey has definitely done that for me.” Ben curled his arms around her middle. “I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for her.”

Rey tilted her head to look back at him, smiling softly. “Let me up. I think I’m going to go to bed, I’m exhausted.”

“So soon?” Ben frowned, lifting his arms so she could slip out from under them. “Aren’t you staying here?”

“I think I’m going to go back to my quarters for the night. I’ll see you in the morning.” Rey leaned down to brush her knuckles over his cheek before turning to face her friends. “I’ll see you all in the courtroom. I’m sorry for leaving so soon. My chest is killing me.”

“Rey are you alright?” Ben questioned, rising up to his feet to follow her to the cell door. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s _wrong_.” Rey had never been more thankful for the lack of Force in the cell. “I just need rest. Don’t worry about me.” She lifted her hands to cup his cheeks, rising up on her toes to kiss him. “Sleep well.”

“You too.” His hand rested at her hip, his brows creased together in concern. “Dream of that future of ours and I will too.”

Rey nodded slowly. That future had to mean something. Didn’t it? If he wanted _that_ then he had to love her. Right? That was why she needed time away from him for the night. Isa had hit upon a sore nerve. Rey wasn’t entirely certain she knew _how_ to love. Wasn’t that something you learned as a child?

Jakku had been a planet where you learned quickly that care and love were feelings that got you into serious trouble. She’d learned to do without _love_ because it was never going to be returned. There was no time for relationships and romance back on Jakku when she grew older and whenever there was any time for baser needs, it had been to get something. There was no actual care involved.

Ben wasn’t like that. But how was she supposed to know that what they had was love if she had nothing to base if off of? Did he even know what love was? Given how miserable his own upbringing had been and the Jedi training early on, there was every reason to believe that he didn’t even understand the complexities of love.

Maybe he didn’t _want_ to.

But generally people didn’t envision a bright future with three children with a woman they didn’t love. Then again, maybe they did and Rey was just clueless about all of this. Regardless, it left her head reeling. What they had was different, complex, and maybe there was no word that explained it. They were clearly bound together through the Force, but what did that even _mean_?

She _hated_ feeling this way. What did it matter if he _loved_ her? There was no doubt in her mind that they both cared for each other deeply.

It didn’t matter if he didn’t. But in truth, it really _did_.

**Thirty-Four**

“I was afraid you weren’t coming back.” Ben said as they walked side-by-side down the corridor to the courtroom. “Did I do something last night that offended you? That was never my intention.”

Rey reached over to take his hand. “ _No_. It was nothing like that. I just needed to get out of there for the night. I actually feel better today.”

Ben chuckled, “Well that’s one way to make a guy feel good.”

“What?”

“Hearing that you feel better after a night away from me.” He shook his head. “Isa informed me that I was an idiot last night. Was I?”

Rey shrugged her shoulders. “It depends on how you look at it. But we really don’t have time to talk about this right now.”

“We can use the Force to discuss it. Given where they left off yesterday, today is going to be a lengthy discussion about the planets that the First Order took over under my command and how our presence destroyed infrastructure, native species, and so forth.”

“Do you _really_ want to have this discussion in a room full of people, Ben?”

Ben held her hand a little tighter. “I don’t think we should wait.”

Rey’s brows knit together as she turned to look at him as they walked. “Why can’t it wait?”

“Because Isa made me realize that I might have hurt you last night with what I said. I don’t want to be the reason you’re upset.”

“I’m not upset.” Rey said, waving her hand dismissively as they reached the door of the amphitheater. “I just don’t think _now_ is the time for this discussion. I don’t even know how this discussion is supposed to go.” She looked away from him.

“Rey, do you not believe that I love you?”

Her head snapped around. “ _What_?” She blinked up at him. “Ben…” Rey pressed her palms against his chest as he made to lean down and kiss her. “Not now. Not in front of all of these people.”

“I wish you hadn’t gone last night. I would have told you then. I didn’t think I had to.” Ben brushed his knuckles over her cheek. “I don’t know how any of this works.”

Rey smiled softly, taking his hand from her cheek and holding it tightly. “You’re in luck, because I don’t know how any of this works either. I just know that I don’t want to lose this.” Her heart was pounding in her chest and her breathing a little erratic and that had nothing to do with her illness. “For the record, I love you too.”

“I know.”

“Are you two done having a moment?” Poe questioned, coming up right between them. “Everyone’s watching.”

Rey went bright red. She hadn’t even noticed everyone paying attention to them. She’d been so focused on Ben. “You only have your mother to blame for this.” She ducked her head, grabbing Ben’s hand and heading into the court room.

_Are we good now?_

_We were perfectly fine._ Rey gave Ben a look as they settled into their row. _Last night was just me having a mild freak out and it was compounded by being ill._

_Are you going to the medbay?_

_I told you. I already did. I’m fine. It’ll run its course._

Ben squeezed her knee. _Are you staying tonight?_

Rey covered his hand with hers and nodded. _I’m not losing out on any more time with you._ She glanced towards where the council was taking their seats, noting that General Organa was watching them. _Your mom is watching us._

 _She always is._ Ben leaned over and pressed a kiss to her cheek. _Silent and observing. That seems to be her prerogative for this trial._

 _She was surprisingly supportive when I went to her about Yvilor. I had expected her to be completely different. Maybe there’s hope yet._ Rey turned to look at Ben, her eyes full of adoration. “How are you feeling?”

Ben shrugged. “It’s exhausting. I keep thinking I’ll get used to coming and going from the cell. But every day I reenter the Force I feel completely drained.”

“I can tell.” Rey squeezed his hand reassuringly. “You’re looking a little grey.”

Ben’s brows knit together as he looked past her, his eyes flickering around the room. “Someone’s here.”

“There’s a lot of _someones_ here.” Rey said dryly, looking behind her, trying to follow his line of sight. “What do you mean?”

Ben shifted closer to her and she could feel the fear pouring off of him. “Focus and you’ll feel it too Rey. The First Order is here.”

Rey swallowed thickly, closing her eyes as she focused in on the Force. It was dizzying at first, her mind flittering from person to person, until she zeroed in on the _someone_ Ben had noticed almost immediately. He was a young Omwati, no older than the two of them. “Why is he here?”

“The First Order is keeping tabs on me.” Ben released her hand, raking his hands over his face. “We need to raise the alarm. D’Qar isn’t _safe_.”

Rey looked up at the council, her eyes meeting Leia’s. “I need to talk with you now.” She mouthed out, hoping the General’s mouth reading was up to par.

General Organa gave her a curious look, but nodded her head. She rose from her seat, exiting through the back.

“I’ll be back.” Rey told Ben, pressing a quick kiss to his lips – not caring if the whole amphitheater saw them. If the First Order was getting into the base, then they were _all_ in danger.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo this is a long chapter. There is smut. There's some First Order nonsense. Angst and... see you in the end notes.

**Thirty-Four (Cont.)**

“The Omwati have always been allies against the dark side. They are a highly advanced species, one that leads the galaxy in medical advancements and science.” General Organa shook her head, crossing her arms across her chest. “You’re _certain_ that what you felt was the dark side.”

“Ben noticed it first,” Rey said wringing her hands anxiously. “When I focused, I could feel it too. Whatever that man’s intentions are, they’re not _good_. I trust Ben. If he believes it’s the First Order spying on him, then I believe him.” She covered her mouth to stifle a cough. “Mozam Zar mentioned that news is spreading of this trial. It makes sense that the First Order would want to know how the trial is going for Ben.”

General Organa arched a brow. “It’s possible that he called for them, Rey.”

She held up her hand to keep the General from saying anymore. “I won’t listen to that. I mean no disrespect by this, but you are _wrong_. If you spent as much time with _your_ son as I do, then you would understand that he is not, in _any_ way, communicating with the First Order.”

Leia set her jaw hard, but her eyes remained softer than Rey expected them to be. “I can’t spend time with him, Rey. Not the way that you do.” Her shoulders sagged heavily. “There was a time that I would have accepted him back, despite all that he had done… A line was crossed. Seeing him arrive here, aboard the Millennium Falcon, in Han’s clothes… It was too much.”

“You blame yourself, don’t you? For Han’s death.” Rey said it before she could stop herself.

“ _Yes_.” She answered, looking away from Rey, her expression marred with sorrow. “If a man can kill his own father for the sake of power, then perhaps he is _too_ far gone. I know that the two of you care for each other, everyone in the room has been made known of that fact, but… I can’t love him like a mother should. Perhaps I never did.”

Rey stepped towards General Organa and hugged her, “You still have a chance to have a relationship with your son, General. But _first_ we need to figure out what to do with the spy. He might not even know that Ben and I sensed him.”

Leia pulled back from the hug, her brows knit together pensively. “I’m hesitant to raise the alarm that we have an enemy within the base. I’m even more hesitant to destroy what alliance we have with the Omwati.” She placed her hands on Rey’s shoulders. “I’m going to let the trial continue for the day. If we call it off, it’ll make him suspicious. We need to catch him trying to get close to Be… _Kylo_.” She might have corrected quickly, but Rey caught her.

“Is there some way to draw attention to Ben? That might make the Omwati seek him out?”

“Have him reach out to the Omwati.”

“He can’t with the shackles. It’s limited even for us. He always sounds far away when we communicate in the court room.” Rey said, covering her mouth again to stifle another cough.

“What if we arranged for him to spend the evening outside of his cell, without the cuffs.” General Organa suggested. “It would be risky, in the eyes of the council, but if it’s for the safety of D’Qar and the base… it may be worth the risk.”

“This may be a questionable option for all participating parties, but… what if Ben was in my custody for the night. No one would have to know that he’s there without the Mandalorian cuffs, but he’d be able to use the Force fully, reach out to Omwati and let him know that he’s free of his cell. If the Omwati comes near my quarters, then we know that he’s spy.”

General Organa tapped her finger against her lips, staring at Rey, deep in thought. “It is definitely an option. You’re _certain_ that he has nothing to do with this. That this isn’t his way of breaking out.”

Rey scoffed. “While he is a terribly complex man, I _know_ what he wants. He could have chosen to return to the First Order when we were on Devaron. But he chose to return with me. Either option led to death, but he wanted to _live_ – even it was for a short period of time.” She smiled at Leia. “But I do want to talk to Ben about this plan. Opening himself back up to the Force fully comes with risks.”

“Let me know by the end of the trial.”

“Will do.” Rey turned around to leave. Leia didn’t know that if Ben opened himself back up to the Force fully, that meant opening himself back up to Snoke. The last thing Rey wanted was for him to relapse with _him_.

“What did she say?” Ben questioned as she slid into the row beside him.

“A lot.” Rey retorted with a soft laugh. She lifted her hand to play with his hair. _She wants to set up a trap. But that trap means taking you out of the cuffs for the evening so you can reach out to our Omwati friend and pretend that you want to leave._

_And how will I taking the cuffs off help in the cell?_

_Well, you’d be spending the evening in my custody. In my room._ Rey was highly amused by the look of shock on Ben’s face. _I didn’t tell your mother about the risks associated with taking the cuffs off_.

_I’m just thinking that I’ll finally be able to hold you without the shackles clanking._

_I’ve created a monster._ Rey rolled her eyes. _I’m talking about Snoke. This could be his plan as it is. To get you to open up to the Force again… You’re not strong enough to fight him off. Not after being cut off from the Force for a month._

_If this is the only to protect D’Qar, I’m willing to do it._

_Really?_

Ben nodded. _If you’re with me… Snoke doesn’t stand a chance._

 _I just don’t want to lose you._ Rey told him sincerely.

_You won’t. Snoke has no power over me._

_Those sound like famous last words._

**Thirty-Four (Late)**

Rey couldn’t help the grin that was plastered across her face as Leia joined them in his cell. It was the first time she’d actually come to see him and while it _was_ because of business, Rey was overjoyed to witness their awkward, unsure, conversations. All she wanted was for Leia to understand that Ben was _not_ Kylo Ren. Not anymore.

“You have no idea how great it feels to be out of those cuffs.” Ben said, rubbing at his wrists. “I half forgot what my arms felt like there.”

“It’s only for tonight.” Leia reminded him. “If there is _any_ trouble, Rey knows to use the comlink to get in touch with Poe, Finn, or myself. No one else knows about this, right?”

“No.” Ben shook his head, flashing his mother a warm smile. “Rey told the Damerons and everyone else that we both needed a good night’s rest. They have no idea that this little plan is happening tonight.”

“Once we get to my quarters, Ben will reach out to the Omwati and see what he’s here for. We could be all wrong about him. He could just be a decoy to test our defenses. Either way, General Organa… I think I speak for both Ben and myself when I say that…”

“I’m going to stop you right there, because given how bright red you are, I think I know where that’s going. I know nothing.” She held her hands up, her own face tinged pink as she headed for the door. “I know too much as it is.”

Rey covered her face to hide her embarrassment, “I wasn’t going to say anything about that!”

“Then what were you going to say?”

“ _Uh_.”

“Exactly.” Leia gave them both a look. “I’m going now.”

“I could have lived my whole life without having to see that look in my mother’s eyes.” Ben laughed as he wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his chin on her shoulder as they watched Leia leave. “And it’s not just that she knows I had sex, she knows _when_. Did you tell her I was good?”

Rey snorted. “I told her it was a shaky start, but you definitely got into the swing of things.” She tilted her head to give him a sideways look. “Are you ready to see how this goes? I know I feel like a cruiser hit me every time I come out of here after a night with you.”

Ben nuzzled at her neck. “Oh is it the Force that makes you feel like that?”

“ _No_. That was lame. Stop.” She laughed, turning around to face him. “You’ve been spending too much time with Poe.” Rey lifted her hands to cup his face. “Besides, I am a disgusting phlegm ridden mess. There’s nothing even remotely appealing about wanting all of this.” She gave him a look.

Ben laughed, leaning down to kiss her, despite her words. “Rey, even if you had snot running down your face, I’d still think you were appealing. I just might not want to kiss you.” He stuck out his tongue. “No offense.”

“None taken.” Rey narrowed her eyes, brushing her thumb over his scar. “I need you to promise me that you’ll tell me if you feel Snoke trying to claim you again.”

“I promise.” Ben said quietly, his eyes falling closed. “He’s the last thing I want to deal with.” He blew out a shaky breath. “Let’s get this over with, shall we?”

Rey nodded, taking his hand in hers and leading him from the cell. Since their arrival to D’Qar he had only traveled between the court room and his cell. He hadn’t gotten to venture any further into the base or anywhere near where her quarters were.

“Don’t laugh at my living quarters. They’re a mess.” Rey told him, feeling a little sheepish about him seeing her living space.

“You’re messy?”

“Not typically. I mean… I take a little while to put things into place, but I haven’t done much with all of this going on.” Rey shrugged. “How do you feel?”

“How about you just keep talking.” Ben retorted, his eyes focused ahead of them. “It’s a good distraction.”

She laced their fingers together. “You strike me as a very neat person. Maybe even obsessively neat. I know you don’t have much in your cell, but you seem to keep everything very organized in there.”

“It gave me something to do that wasn’t sleeping or meditating.” Ben said with a slight chuckle. “But you’re right. I’m _very_ organized.”

“You can organize my room then.” Rey grinned at him as they approached her quarters. She pulled out her keycard, swiping it through the reader. “Welcome to my humble abode. It’s not much but its home.”

Ben stepped inside, his eyes flickering around the room. “Not as bad as I was envisioning.” He said, toeing a pair of her leggings that lay on the floor a few feet into the room. “You have a better bed than the cell had.”

“Now you see why I liked coming back here to sleep some nights.” She laughed, moving to sit down on the edge of the bed. “Are you ready to reach out to the Omwati?”

Ben gave her a wary look. “Give me a few minutes.” He said, moving to sit on the bean bag cushion across the room from her. He sank into it, closing his eyes. “It actually feels nice to feel the Force again like this.”

Rey arched a brow. “I guess that’s the difference between you and me. You like having all of this power and I’m pretty apathetic about it all.” She watched him curiously, “Though I do like being able to feel you like this again.”

Ben opened one eye. “I’ve missed this connection too.” He raked his fingers through his hair with a heavy sigh. “I’ve also missed being able to use my hands without having to have the other one follow it.”

“At least you have your priorities in check.” Rey grinned, lacing her hands together as she watched him. “Can you feel anything? Besides me.”

“I was going to say, I definitely feel how apprehensive you are feeling right now. I’m stronger than you think I am.” Ben said, waving his hand dismissively. “Snoke’s not getting in again.”

“I hope you’re right.” Rey scooted back on her bed so her back was against the wall. “Can you feel the Omwati?”

“I can. Are you ready for me to reach out to him?”

“No, but I know we have to. Just keep it short. Tell him that you’re contemplating escape and you need to know if he can meet you outside of 187 in the X-Quadrant,” Rey told him, keeping her focus on him. “I’ll be right here if anything goes wrong.”

“Nothing is going to go wrong.” He assured her as he closed his eyes again. She could feel the way his heart sped up, his own nerves over taking as he reached out through the Force. She had no idea what he was saying to the Omwati, but he was stressed. Which was understandable, given the task.

Ben’s eyes snapped open, fixing on Rey. “I don’t think he’s here to help me escape.” His expression faltered. “Have I come so far that even the First Order would betray me?”

“It’s not betrayal if you have no loyalties to them.” She pointed out.

“ _Regardless_. I think he might be here to end this trial early.” He covered his face, but that didn’t hide his anguish from her. “Every way I turn leads to death.”

“But he _is_ part of the First Order?”

“Yes.” Ben pushed himself up off the bean bag, pacing across the floor. “But I can’t lure him here. I’m not putting you at risk.” He dragged his fingers through his hair, tugging at the strands. “I knew if I returned to them, they’d kill me… But I didn’t realize they’d send an agent here to expedite my death sentence.”

Rey moved off the bed, watching him as he paced back and forth for a moment before she stepped in front of him to stop him mid-pace. “Ben, you need to calm down.” She reached out and smoothed her hands over his arms. “I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”

“Contact my mother and tell her what I told you. Kikado, the Omwati has been sent here on a First Order mission. The base and D’Qar are safe. I am _not_.” Ben closed his eyes, letting out a shaky breath. “We both know how this will go.”

Rey leaned up to kiss him, letting her lips linger there for a long moment before he gave into the kiss, that little edge of desire there in his kiss. He curled one hand around the back of her head as the other rested at her hip. A feat they hadn’t been able to pull off since they were on the ship. Maybe she should have felt bad about the fact that she used herself as a distraction, but it _worked_. 

“ _So_ ,” Rey drawled out as she pulled back from the kiss. “After we finish informing your mother about the plan, I want you to tell me how badly Isa scolded you last night. Because she strikes me as one scary woman when she’s telling you that you screwed up.”

“No!” Ben laughed. “It was humiliating enough last night. We don’t need to relive it.” He shook his head.

“But I want to know.” Rey stuck out her bottom lip, batting her lashes in a _very_ failed attempt at looking pitiful. “Let me enjoy having a maternal figure that’s making sure the guy I’m with is treating me right.”

“Oh, she made me well aware of the fact that you could kick my ass. Of course, I already know this, I have this scar across my face to prove it.” Ben ran his thumb over the scar that cut down his face.

“I might be a head and a half shorter than you, but I kick the most ass around here.” She pulled away from him to call General Organa over the comlink. “Ben got in contact with the Omwati. His name is Kikado. Apparently he poses no threat to the base or D’Qar, his target his Ben.”

General Organa exhaled heavily. “Did Ben reveal where is to Kikado?”

“No.” Ben said, moving to stand behind Rey. “Unfortunately if he knows my cell is made of Mandalorian iron, then he knows I’m not in there if I’m trying to contact him.” He curled his arms around her. “Perhaps we need a security detail outside of Rey’s quarters.”

“I keep telling him I’m fine,” Rey said, leaning back against him. “But the security detail would be useful. Just in case he tries to find us.” Rey sighed. “I’m sorry we weren’t able to catch him.”

“The important thing is that we know there’s an enemy in the base.” Leia said over the comlink. “Keep your door locked tonight, Rey. I think Ben should stay with you this evening, in case there is an attempt, he should be able to fight back.”

Rey turned her head to look at Ben when his mother said his _real_ name, smiling even brighter at the look of awe on his face. “Thank you General Organa.”

“Sleep well.” General Organa said before the comlink went dead.

“What do you think the likelihood of an attack _is_?” Rey questioned as she turned around to face him. “What did he say to you?”

Ben’s expression fell. “That my days are numbered. The First Order wants me dead. This is not new information. We knew from the start that they would want me dead, just as the Resistance does. Snoke only tempts me because he wants me to take others out when I go.” He closed his eyes, letting out a heavy sigh. “I think mother knows what the outcome will be already. Otherwise, I doubt she’d be allowing this.”

“I know.” Rey said quietly, brushing her fingertips over his lips. “But we haven’t even given our defense yet. I’m not giving up. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if someone’s going to kill you, it’s going to be _me_.”

Ben opened his eyes to meet hers, “That’s _so_ romantic.”

Rey grinned up at him. “We’re about as romantic as womp rats.” She ran her fingers through his hair, rising up on her toes to press a kiss against his lips. “I don’t want to waste time worrying about you dying. If I’m going to waste time, it’s going to on something _enjoyable_.”

“I can’t imagine what _that_ would be.” He chuckled, his hands resting at her hips. “You’re not too sick are you?”

“I’m _not_ sick.” Rey said, giving him a look. “Remember, I told you I’m _fine_.” She widened her eyes dramatically. “I think I’m up for it. Are you?” She questioned suggestively, trailing her hand down his chest.

“Oh, I’m up for it.” Ben said with a crooked grin, dropping his voice low. “I still can’t believe this is something that _happens_ to me.”

Rey laughed, shaking her head. “It should have been happening to you _long_ before me.” Her fingers slipped lower, tracing the outline of his cock through his trousers. “So many years of wasted potential.”

A low groan slipped past his lips. “I wouldn’t have had _anyone_ but you Rey. I could have had anyone at the base if I’d wanted them, but that wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t _want_ anyone the way I wanted you as soon as I saw you.”

Rey licked her lips. “You mean when you weren’t trying to kill me?”

“I never wanted to hurt you.” He offered sincerely. “I got no pleasure out of it.” His lashes fluttered as she drew her hand away from his cock. “ _Rey_.”

She nodded her head slowly. She understood. Now that she’d seen how he was without the dark side, she understood that he had been shaped, molded, and convinced that the path he was on was the _right_ one. It made the choice a blurry one. Rey leaned up on her toes and kissed him soundly on the lips for only a brief moment before she dropped to her knees in front of him.

While the idea that _she_ could heal him with her own hands was a romantic notion, she knew that she could only guide him to the light, she could stay beside him and help him, but _he_ had to make the choice to save himself.

Rey looked up at him, loving the way he looked so bewildered to see her on her knees in front of him. “Remember that comment you made when I was checking your wounds?” She said lowly, her hands skimming over his thighs. Sure, she’d already blown him, but that had been laying in bed in Devaron, which was not quite as fun getting down on her knees and seeing _that_ look on his face.

“ _Yes_.” Ben said with a nod, winding his fingers through her hair. “Is that what you’re going to do again?”

Rey nodded her head slowly, tugging his trousers down his hips, letting his cock spring free. She curled her fingers around the base of his cock, dragging them along his length, _slowly_. Her freehand cupped his balls. She rose up higher on her knees, her lips parting as she took the head of his cock into her mouth, her tongue swirling around it.

Ben’s fingers tightened in her hair, a low groan of pleasure escaping from deep in his chest. She could feel the pleasure rolling off of him, replacing the anguish he had felt before. It only fueled her on. She opened her mouth more, taking him in until he was practically hitting the back of her throat.

Rey wanted to get him off. There was no teasing about this. Nothing languid and slow. She wanted to make him weak in the knees and have him coming undone because of _her_. Her mouth dragged over his length, her tongue pressing against that sensitive spot on the underside of his cock, hollowing her cheeks to give him even _more_.

It was still all so new for him. They hadn’t had enough chances _yet_ to get him used to the experience. Sure, he was a quick learner, but his longevity could use a little improvement.

Ben was right on the edge. She could tell by the way he was gripping at her hair and groaning her name. She pulled away with a wet _pop_ of her lips. The look on his face was worth denying him release.

“ _Rey_ what are you doing?” Ben blinked down at her cluelessly. “Why did you stop? Did I do something wrong?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Rey smirked, “I wasn’t going to tease you, but now… I think I want to.”

“Why?” Ben questioned, swallowing thickly as he looked down at her.

Rey shrugged her shoulders. “Because I _can_.” She stood up then, pressing herself close against him, dropping her voice low and seductively. “Take your pants off and sit on my bed. I’m going to teach you about _restraint_.”

“Restraint?” His brows creased together. “Sounds vaguely like a lesson in the Force.” He said dryly, his tongue darting out over his lips as he looked down at her. “What if I don’t _want_ to learn about restraint?”

Rey gave him a challenging look. “ _Tough_. That’s what my plan for you is.” She inhaled sharply as Ben’s fingers jerked at the waistband of her leggings, pushing them down her hips. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Taking what I want.” Ben drawled out, his expression almost feral as he pressed her back against the nearest flat surface. They both knew this position was physically impossible for their statures, even on her tippy toes there was no way for her to be high enough without practically breaking his back. But with the Force…

Rey’s lips parted in a soundless _oh_ as she felt herself lifted up off the floor a few inches. “And what is it you _want_?” She questioned, her heart pounding rapidly in her chest as she held his gaze, now perfectly eye-to-eye with him. His hands curled around her hips, their still-clothed chests pressed against each other.

“I want to be _in_ you.” He all but _growled_ out. Ben loosened his grip on one hip to reach between them, guiding his cock to her waiting center. Rey crossed her legs behind his back, holding herself steady even though the Force was taking care of that for her.

“Then why aren’t you _in_ me?” Rey hissed, her fingers digging into his shoulders through his shirt. He was teasing her. She knew exactly what he was doing. His cock was pressed up against her entrance, but every attempt to rock against him and take him in was stopped by his tight grip pat her hips. “What are you waiting for?”

“I thought you wanted to learn something about restraint.”

Rey’s eyes flashed, her fingers delving into his hair to tug at it. “I wanted _you_ to learn about restraint. I said nothing about me.” She retorted hotly, trying again in vain to rock against him and urge him to sink into her.

“I think we both should have to learn about restraint.” Ben grinned, pressing just the very head of his cock into her.

Rey wasn’t going to be reduced to begging for it. She narrowed her eyes. “I don’t _want_ to learn about restraint. I want you to fuck me.” That wasn’t begging. That was telling him what she _wanted_.

“What about _restraint_?” Ben slid in another inch and then drew out nearly completely. “I thought you were teaching me something Rey.”

“You would make a _terrible_ pupil.”

“I’ve heard that a time or two.” He said as he thrust back into her, still not giving either of them the _real_ satisfaction. “You like this don’t you?” Ben questioned, brushing his lips along her jawline. “I can feel the anticipation coiling deep within you.”

Rey jerked her head away from the path of his lips and instead tightened her grip in his hair and dragged him into a needy and hopefully _inspiring_ kiss. She rolled her hips when his hold on her loosened just a bit and it earned her a needy groan from him. She knew he was punishing her for teasing him, but now they were both so close to getting what they needed.

Ben finally gave in. He thrust into her in one swift motion that momentarily left her breathless. She tilted her head back and cried out his name hoarsely. It was _too_ loud but she really didn’t care. He felt too good to care. How was she supposed to think when she had Ben Solo’s cock buried in her?

He found a driving pace that felt like it was designed to make her see stars. She’d been wrong, he had nothing to learn, he was _incredible_. His mouth was hot against her throat, leaving little marks that wouldn’t fade by morning. She didn’t care.

She hadn’t even realized he’d released one of her hips, his hand teasing her flesh above where they were joined, his fingers sweeping over her clit, giving her just the right amount of stimulation to get her there _faster_.

Rey clung to him as he pushed her through one release and blazing straight towards another. The second sparked his release and for a moment it seemed like everything in the galaxy made sense. They were falling together somewhere among the stars and there was _nothing_ to worry about.

Ben cradled her in his arms as he carried her to her bed, wrapping himself around her as they laid there together half dressed. She felt _safe_. His arms felt like the home she’d always longed for and she was certain that so long as she had him, no matter where they were together, that would be _home_ for her.

She knew better than to feel that way, to think that way. That rational part of her brain kept telling her that she was _wrong_.

**Day Thirty Five**

The alarm at her bedside blared loudly, jarring her back into the waking world. She was disoriented at first as she rolled over to turn off the alarm. She was in her room. Her limbs ached from last night. Her comlink was blinking with an unanswered message. She yawned and stretched and then she realized…

Ben wasn’t beside her.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I was writing the smut my muse decided to inform me of the next little twist and my exact words were "Ben you fucking dumbass". The next chapter is gonna be so /fun/.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the support! You really do inspire me to keep writing.

**Day Thirty-Five (Cont.)**

Ben knew the second that he stepped out of Rey’s room, that there was _no_ turning back. He was certain Master Luke – his _uncle_ – had once taught he and the other Padawans about making the right choice even if it had harsh consequences. Maybe it was the other way around. Did it matter? It wasn’t like there was anyone else to ask.

The way he saw it was that he had a handful of options and all of them ended with _him_ dying. But there was one path that led to Rey dying too and he wasn’t about to let that happen. Not when he could stop it.

Kikado wasn’t going to see the light of a new dawn.

Clearly the First Order underestimated what him. Did they really think he’d let someone live after threatening Rey? Then again, there was every chance that _that_ was the goal. To make him kill again, to slip back into the darkness. But he couldn’t run the risk that the threat was real. That Snoke had sent Kikado to D’Qar to kill Rey, to remove Ben’s distraction.

It wasn’t succumbing to the dark side if the intention was to _save_ someone – right? But he knew that leaving Rey’s custody, stealing Rey’s lightsaber, and killing Kikado would spell the end for him. There would be no need to continue the trial. Everyone’s support would be for naught.

But Rey would be safe. As afraid of death as he was, he was certain that _now_ he could die, because it would be for something. She was going to be furious with him. In essence, he’d betrayed her, even if the betrayal came in an attempt to save her.

Ben knew exactly where Kikado was. The Omwati’s Force signature was strong and it was drawing Ben right to his location. It was a trap. He knew it was a trap. He could sense it in his bones, but he was too fixated on protecting Rey that his already poor judgement was hindered.

Killing Kikado was _easy_. Too easy. Ben received a mild singe to his shoulder from the Omwati’s blaster, but it had been no match for the lightsaber he wielded. There was an intoxicating surge as he stood above Kikado’s body, bathed in the light of Rey’s blue lightsaber…his _uncle’s_ lightsaber.

Taking life was easy, but _dealing_ with taking life was hard. Especially now. The darkness was weighing upon him again. The doubt, the self-hate, and anger. If he could slip so easily now, what kept him from slipping in the future? What kept him from slipping and hurting the people Rey cared about?

What kept him from hurting Rey?

He couldn’t go back to her room. How was he supposed to look her in the eyes when he had just killed a man on her behalf? He didn’t expect her to care anymore. How could she love someone like him? That somehow made this mistake even more painful. In one action he’d cut down any chance he had at that future with Rey.

He couldn’t go back to Rey, but he could go to his mother.

“What are _you_ doing here?” Leia questioned, her eyes flickering from Ben’s face to his lightsaber and he knew that she _knew_. “Get in here.” She urged, stepping out of the way so he could enter her quarters.

“I had to.” Ben’s voice broke as he collapsed to his knees, dropping the lightsaber to the ground beside him. “He was going to kill her.”

“Start from the beginning.”

“I lied to you and Rey last night. Kikado’s intentions were to kill _Rey_ , because of me.” There was no point in lying now. “I knew it would result in my death regardless, that’s why I told you both that it was me he was after.” He stared down at his hands. There was blood on them. Blood that only _he_ could see. “My only regret is that I hurt Rey.”

“What did you do to _her_?”

Ben looked up at his mother. She thought he meant _literally_. “I loved her. That is how I hut her.” He covered his face in shame. “I never deserved her, mother. I never should have loved her.”

Leia put her hands on Ben’s shoulders, squeezing them. “Does she know what you have done?”

“No. I left before she woke up.” He felt tears burn at his eyes. “Tell her I’m sorry.”

“You’re going to have to tell her that yourself.”

Ben shook his head. “She won’t want to see me. She has invested so much in believing in me. Believing that I could _change_. I’ve failed her.”

Her touch was uncertain as she played her fingers through his hair, trying to comfort him. “Do you understand now, why Jedi don’t love? That attachment is dangerous. It blinds you from reason. I know I wasn’t the best mother, but I knew that if you were too attached to us, you would make poor decisions when we were involved.” She brushed her knuckles over his cheek gently. “Your love for Rey is a weakness. It’s a weakness whether you choose the light or the dark.”

“I know.” Ben leaned into his mother’s touch. “But we share a Force bond. It was there from the start and it was too strong to deny it. We were going to crash together, either as lovers or as enemies. I should have chosen the latter.”

“But you chose love. You chose love because you craved to be cared for. Didn’t you? You wanted the safety and the comfort that comes with love.”

“Yes.” He swallowed thickly, blinking as tears slid down his cheeks. “Rey was so gentle with me when she found me. She makes me want to be a better man, but I don’t know how to be him. I can’t be _him_.” Ben brushed away his tears. “When I am gone, I want you to protect her. I know the Damerons will love her like their own child. That’s all I want for her. I want her safe. I want her to feel like she has a place she belongs.”

“Rey can hold her own, Ben. She doesn’t need my protection. She beat you after all.” General Organa chuckled softly, running her fingers through her son’s hair, in a way that reminded him of his childhood. There were _good_ moments. He remembered them now. There were ones locked away, uncorrupted by Snoke. Moments where Leia had taken him into her arms and held him like every little child deserved to be held.

“I just want her to know that she is loved.” The words stuck in the back of his throat.

“Then you should go to her, Ben. You should tell her all of this yourself.” She sighed heavily. “I’ll find a way to clean up your mess.” General Organa held out her hand, “I need the lightsaber.”

Ben’s fingers trembled as he reached down to pick it up, turning it over to his mother. “What if she doesn’t accept me? She has been sick. I know she hasn’t gone to the medbay. She’s stubborn like that.” He stared at a spot on the floor. “I’m afraid for her.”

“Her allergies?” Leia questioned curiously.

“That’s what she calls them. But I believe she contracted something on Devaron. We were wet for quite some time and she had never been in weather like that before.” He wrung his hands together. “It’s fluctuated. The coughing rattling low in her chest, her breathing strained and unsteady. She’s had headaches and bodyaches and she’s even thrown up. But she maintains that she’s _fine_. She doesn’t want to worry me, not when the focus is on me. Mother what did I do to deserve _her_?”

“Love isn’t about what you deserve. Nothing in life is about deserving it.” She crossed her arms across her chest. “If that were how the world worked, then your father would still be here.”

Ben felt like he was going to be sick. “Trust me. There were many days I laid on Mustafar, somewhere in between life and death that I prayed to whatever star or deity would take me, to trade places with him. To let him life and let me die.” He bowed his head, covering his mouth. “You don’t understand the war within me.”

“You’re right, Ben. I _don’t_. But I understand the casualties of that war within you. It has cost me my son, my husband, and my brother. Don’t let it cost you what you love most. I can’t promise you that the trial will end in your favor. If I can’t cover up the Omwati’s death, then you will surely die. But you still have time with her and the future you _could_ have. Go to her.”

Ben wiped at his eyes, inhaling sharply and standing straighter. “I can feel her. She’s awake.” Fear lanced through him as he felt her heart rate spike. “I have to go.” He took a few steps backward, almost stumbling as his mother’s comlink went off. “Tell her I’m coming.”

“May the Force be with you Ben.”

\---

“General Leia, I have _terrible_ news.” Rey’s fingers trembled as she clutched at the comlink. “Ben’s gone. I don’t know what happened. He was here when I fell to sleep… I shouldn’t have fallen asleep.” She’d failed. Gods above – had she _fallen_ for some sick idea of a rouse? Had all of this been a game to him?

“I know. He was just here.”

“ _What_?” Rey clenched her jaw tightly. “General Leia, he has my _lightsaber._ Did you let him leave?”

“I have the lightsaber. He’s not armed, Rey. Not with anything more than unfortunate news.” General Leia sighed heavily. “Take care of yourself Rey. This sort of stress isn’t good for you.”

Rey’s brows knit together. “You’re not making any sense.” Before the General could respond to her confusion, the door to her quarters swept open. “I have to go General.” She ended the comlink abruptly. “Ben…” She was hesitant, because _he_ was hesitant. His emotions were a dizzying array of confliction. “What did you do?”

Ben held up his hands in a way that was meant to calm her, but instead it only made her more fearful of what was going to come out of his mouth. “I lied to you last night. Kikado… wasn’t here to kill me.” He was fighting back tears, she could see the way his chest struggled to contain the sob. “When I reached out to him… _Rey_. Snoke knows you’re my weakness. You were my weakness even when you were our prisoner.” He moved towards her slowly and she took a step backwards.

“I thought I was your guest.” Rey bit back. He’d used _our_ and she wasn’t sure what that meant. Had he slipped back into Snoke’s grasps? Was he just used to aligning himself with _them_.

“You were.” He said quickly with a bow of his head. He wiped at his eyes quickly as tears slid down his cheeks. “Rey I _killed_ Kikado.” Ben crumpled as if the words were all that had been holding him up. “He said _terrible_ things about you. In that brief contact through the Force he made certain I saw exactly what he planned to do to you. I couldn’t stand the taunting. Threatening to kill my _scavenger whore_. I snapped.” He stared down at his hands. “After you fell asleep… everything is a blur.”

Rey wasn’t sure when she’d pressed her back against the wall, but she had and she was further away from Ben than she’d been since they’d returned to D’Qar. “What did you prove by killing him?” She couldn’t fight the visceral, disgusted tone that bubble into her words. Her anger was fire and she wanted it to burn him. “You didn’t prove to Snoke that you’re strong. You proved to him that you are weak. You proved to him exactly what he wanted. That all you know how to do is _kill_.”

“I know!” Ben shouted with the same heat in his words that hers bore. “Don’t think I don’t _know_ that Rey. All I know how to do is kill. I was conditioned for that one purpose and not even you could break I guess.” His words cut deep. “You’ve sat right there beside me in that courtroom and heard testimony after testimony of the terror I have wrought on this galaxy and yet you still keep showing me love and compassion like _that_ is going to somehow make me stop being who I am.”

She’d flipped some switch within him. She could see it in his eyes and feel it in her bones. “Oh, I know. Sometimes I’ve caught myself sitting there, holding your hand while some poor parent gets up there and regales us all of burying their child. I know what they think of me. I’m a fool and I clearly was. I let you in in ways that I have never let anyone in and… for _what_? To give the poor virgin _monster_ a good roll in the sack before his execution?”

“I was too broken to be _fixed_ Rey.” He hissed out.

“I _never_ wanted to be the one to fix you. I wanted you to fix yourself.” Rey took a step forward, watching the way he recoiled as if he expected her to strike him from that distance. “I wanted that future Ben. All I ever wanted was a _happy_ future somewhere far away from the Niima Outpost and that bleak outlook on life. Then I met you and everything got worse until it got better, despite this mess.” Her fists clenched at her sides. “You’re lucky Leia has my lightsaber.”

“I wish she’d let me bring it back so you could finish this.” The defeat in his words struck her harder than his callous words had.

“ _Ben_.” Rey moved to stand in front of him, staring down into his teary eyes. “You are like a walking self-fulfilling prophecy. You set yourself up to fail.” She closed her eyes, trying to find the right words for him. “Snoke knows you’re weak. He knows that you’d do anything for me now and you can’t let him exploit that weakness again. Trust me, whatever Kikado said about me, I’ve heard worse. You know what life was like on Jakku – I’ve been called _everything_ in numerous languages.” She shook her head. “He didn’t have to die.”

“He was going to kill you!”

She took his face into her hands. “He wanted you to think he was.” Rey swallowed thickly and pulled away from him. “And now he’s dead.” She felt sick to her stomach. “I don’t know how I can sit in the courtroom with you now. How am I supposed to talk people into pardoning you when you could do this again? You _manipulated_ me last night.”

“No I didn’t.” Ben shook his head, his eyes searching hers. “I thought I was doing what was right. I didn’t mean to lie.”

Rey looked away. “You _did_ mean to lie to me, Ben. You made the choice and you followed through with it. Call it what it is. Is that all I am to you? Someone you can manipulate? Am I still that filthy scavenger you picked up for the First Order?”

“ _No_ ” He was on his feet at that. Exactly like she’d hoped he would. “Rey I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t even think what I was doing was wrong but now I see that it was. I understand if you _never_ want me to touch you again… if you never want to even be in the same room as me. I knew you’d despise me, but it was worth it because at least you’d still be safe.”

Rey smiled sadly. “You knew it didn’t matter, because either way you’d be dead too.” She wanted to reach out and touch him, but right now she couldn’t stand to do it. “Is it going to happen sooner now? Your death?”

“I don’t know,” He admitted, closing his eyes. “Mother said she was going to take care of the mess, but she didn’t know… I don’t know.”

“We should get you back in the cell.” Rey said distantly, her heart was breaking for _them_. Her gaze flickered to his shoulder. “You’re hurt.” She hadn’t even realized it until then.

“It doesn’t matter.” He said dismissively, glancing at his shoulder. “It’ll heal on its own. It’s not bad.”

“Let me.” Rey said insistently, stepping a little closer to him, lifting her palm to hover above his burnt flesh. “It won’t heal fast in the cell.” She blew out a shaky breath as she summoned the Force within her to draw his skin back together and mend the injury.

“Where does this leave us?” Ben questioned.

“I don’t know, honestly. Right now I feel sick to my stomach and I can still feel the anger coursing through me. I just wish that my love for you was enough. I wish Snoke wasn’t involved.”

“Snoke has yet to speak to me. It’s been quiet. _Too_ quiet. All I hear is you.” Ben said in an almost whisper, his eyes falling closed. “How can our love be enough for each other when we’ve lived for so long _without_ love? We know we can live without it?”

“I don’t know.” Rey admitted. “Because I’m broken too. I just wish our pieces fit together better than they do.”

“I’m sorry that I hurt you. That was the last thing I wanted to do.” Ben blinked rapidly, but it wasn’t enough to keep from crying. “Please forgive me.”

Rey touched his cheek. “I know I shouldn’t. I should stay angry at you, but… I can’t.” She sighed heavily. “Please promise me, on _my_ life that you won’t do this again.”

 “On your life?” Ben swallowed thickly and nodded slowly. “I promise.”

The anger would fade, the betrayal would linger, but the _love_ would remain.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My poor broken babies. They can mend this, but will they be able to repair it?


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to get posted last night but I fell asleep. Then I woke up and changed the ending. Enjoy!

**Thirty-Seven**

“Are you just going to come in here and meditate every night?” Ben questioned and it stirred Rey from her half-meditation-half-sleeping state.

She opened one eye to peer at him. He was sitting on his bed, his position mirroring her own lotus blossom position. He looked so much more serene here, within his cell. But still his eyes were haunted with what he had done… or perhaps that was all she saw.

“As of right now?” Rey questioned, bowing her head forward then. “Yes. You don’t have to stay awake on my account. You’re more than welcome to sleep.”

Ben sighed heavily and she heard the bed creak as he shifted to lay down. Even with her eyes closed she knew he was wearing that petulant child look that he wore so well. “How long do you estimate this lasting?”

“Indefinitely. Unless something changes…” Rey coughed a little and stretched her arms above her head. She’d hoped that meditating and stretching would help her cold or whatever it was, but it really didn’t. She was congested and achey and her head was _killing_ her. She knew she should have gone back to her own quarters, she always felt better when she slept in her own bed, but… even with a chasm between them, she wanted to stay as near to him as she could.

The floor was unforgiving, her blankets didn’t make it much more comfortable. She’d been spoiled with an actual, comfortable bed… before she came to the base, she’d once been comfortable sleeping on the metal parts of forgotten ships.

“I miss when you slept in my arms.”

Rey glanced up at him then, meeting his half-lidded glare. “It’s been _two_ days Ben. You’ll survive a dozen more.” She ran her hands through her hair, letting out a tired sigh. “For what it’s worth, I miss it too. But that statement changes nothing. I don’t know if I can trust you.”

His eyes opened wider then, a hopeful glint in them then. “How can I prove to you that you can trust me? I’ll do anything you want.”

Rey shook her head. “There really isn’t a way. Not now.” She closed her eyes again. “Now sleep, Ben. You need your rest.”

“So do you.”

“And I will get my rest. I always do.” Rey waved her hand dismissively.

“Tell me a story about Jakku.”

“ _Ben_. I’m not going to tell you bedtime stories just to _talk_.” Rey retorted, stretching her legs out in front of her and bending over them. “I need silence if I’m going to meditate.”

“I like hearing your stories.”

Rey gave a mirthless laugh. “You like me telling you stories because then I’m talking to you and it gives you the illusion that I _want_ to talk to you.”

She heard the sound of him twisting onto his side. “If you don’t want to talk to me, why the hell are you here Rey?”

“Because I don’t want you to be alone.” Rey lifted her head to look at the back of his head. “I shouldn’t be here at all. I shouldn’t sit beside you in court, I shouldn’t walk beside you to and from your cell, I shouldn’t lay here awake at night and worry myself sick about you. But I do. I feel like all of this is some giant joke to the universe. We were better off as enemies. We should have stayed at odds with each other.”

“I know.” Ben rolled over to face her then. “Trust me I know. I realized on Devaron what I felt for you. I hated myself, not because I _cared_ so much, but because I knew I would ruin you. I didn’t care because all of this… it feels _so_ good. But I hate that my darkness will cause your light to decay.” He lifted his shackled hands to cover his face. “You should go.”

“I refuse.” Rey said stubbornly. “I’m not some pinnacle of all that’s good and light Ben. Yes, I align myself with the light side of the Force, but… Before the Force was awoken within me, I was not a good person. I have done terrible things for the sake of survival. I will do terrible things again, I know, because old habits die hard. But it’s all about choosing not to. You don’t understand that choice until it’s too late.”

“I thought what I was doing was the _right_ thing. It felt right.” Ben sat up then, his expression solemn. “Then it was too late to realize that what feels right isn’t always right.”

Rey nodded slowly. “I know. But now you understand why I’m keeping my distance.”

She saw the realization written all over his face. He felt like the right decision. Loving him felt like the right decision. And then it had all felt terribly wrong in the blink of an eye. She hated that it had come to this. But if there _was_ a chance for them, she needed to take time to get back to that point with him.

“Good night Rey.”

“Sleep well Ben.”

**Day Forty**

“I’m surprised to see you dining out here.” Finn said as Rey joined Poe and him in the mess hall. “I thought you liked taking dinner with _him_.”

Rey gave him an unamused look. “He’s eating with his mother tonight. I thought it was best that I let them have the evening to themselves.” The break was a welcomed one. She knew it was important that Leia and Ben discussed the Omwati situation. From what General Organa had mentioned to her in passing, she believed that Kikado wouldn’t need to be mentioned in the courtroom, but the Omwati would eventually desire to know where he vanished to and D’Qar was his last known coordinates.

What General Organa _didn’t_ say was that by the time the Omwati came looking for Kikado, Ben would be long gone and it would fall on the Resistances’ shoulders.

“Well, we’re _glad_ you’re joining us.” Poe told her, reaching out to squeeze her hand. “My parents have been worried about you.”

Rey smiled. “Thank them for their concern. Hopefully we’ll be in a better headspace to talk with them later this week.” She glanced down at her food before picking up her fork and knife to dig into her fish. “It’s just been stressful.”

“That stress isn’t good for you.” Poe said, swirling his fork around in his pasta. “Have you been sleeping?”

“As well as one can on the floor.” Rey chuckled, shaking her head. “I’ve been sleeping fine.” She shoveled a fork full of fish and rice into her mouth, groaning a little at how good it was. She still hadn’t mastered the art of refined eating. The food on base was better than anything she’d ever eaten in her life and ever meal was… _well_ – orgasmic came to mind. Better than food portions.

“Should you be eating that?” Finn questioned, staring at her plate with a look of sheer horror.

Rey followed his line of sight down to her plate, half expecting some furry creature to be crawling around on her plate. But it looked perfectly normal to her. “Uh… _yeah_?”

“I thought fish wasn’t good for a woman in your condition.” Poe was now glaring at Finn like he had ten heads and Rey was staring at him in sheer confusion. “It’s got bacteria. Doesn’t it?”

Poe shoved him hard in the ribs, smiling apologetically at Rey. “Forgive him. He’s been reading medical regulation files out of boredom during the trial.”

“Right.” Rey’s brows knit together, slowing lifting another bite to her mouth, glaring at Finn. “Quit looking at me like that.”

“How am I looking at you?” Finn questioned, widening his eyes dramatically.

“Like I’ve sprouted horns.” She retorted with no small amount of sass. “I know it’s weird for you _still_. But it’s been _over_ a month, it’s almost been two months. Ben and I might not be on the best of terms right now, but this is real.”

“Oh?” Finn still gave her a bewildered look.

Poe elbowed him again. “Stop Finn.”

“You two are being strange.” Rey said, narrowing her eyes at them, even as she ate heartily at her meal. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Poe said and somehow, Rey really didn’t trust him. But she let it slide.

“Then can we move on from this bizarre conversation?” Rey wasn’t sure what she was missing, but she was more inclined to move on than sit there and try to pry into one of their minds and figure out what was going on. As tempting as that was, she’d rather not know, honestly. “Have you heard anything about the First Order? Things have been surprisingly quiet this past month. I was expecting the trial to be disrupted by another battle.”

Poe shrugged. “The only trouble we had was when one of our freights tried to pass into territory that contained a First Order outpost. There was a brief exchange of fire before our guys dropped out of that quadrant. It wasn’t worth taking too much damage. There were other ways around. I’m itching for another fight. This trial has been taxing.”

“I can’t wait for it to be over, honestly.” Finn said. “Everything will go back to normal then.”

Rey frowned. There wasn’t much more of the trial left. In five days they’d begin their defense and after that they had two days of final remarks and then the council would use the remaining days to make their decision.

“I think I’ve almost forgotten what normal is.”

“What will you do when it’s over?” Finn questioned. “I didn’t mean it like that… Rey, I’m sorry. That was callous.”

“I’m impressed. Poe didn’t even have to elbow you.” Rey laughed humorlessly. “I don’t know what I’ll do. I keep thinking about that. I might leave for a bit and do some soul searching. Ben mentioned that I should travel to Illum or Lothal and find my own Kyber crystal. I think that would be a good journey for me. I’ll need time to heal.”

Finn’s expression fell. “You know we’re here for you. We’ll do anything you need. Is a journey like that safe?”

“I have no idea. I don’t care either. I’ll need something to ensconce myself in. Why not something that will better myself?” Rey’s shoulders sagged heavily under the weight of her words. “I hate that the First Order ruined our last month together.”

“Did they ruin it?” Poe questioned, arching a brow upwards. “Or are you using what happened as an excuse to pull away before you lose him?”

“Maybe I am. But, I need _time_ that I don’t even have.” Rey took a sip of her drink. “The Force bond we share has complicated this.”

“Is that what you have? I wondered but I didn’t want to ask. It felt invasive to ask.” Poe said hesitantly.

“It is. I did some reading. There’s not much left about the Jedi, but enough to understand that the Force works in mysterious ways. What we share is a Force bond – we are connected through the Force in a way that others aren’t. We have been since we first met, since he awoke within me the Force. It’s a like a hand print seared into my very essence and he wears mine.” She shook her head. “Of all the people in all the world, I ended up Force bonded with _him_.”

“That’s some terrible luck.” Finn said lightly. “But was it Kylo Ren or Ben Solo you bonded with?”

“Ben.” Rey said coolly. “There is no doubt. Because Kylo Ren is a simple creation to mask his pain and suffering. Snoke made him into a monster and I don’t think I can make him into a man. He has to do it himself.”

“What will happen when he dies?”

“I have no idea.” Rey admitted. “It terrifies me. I don’t know what I’ll feel when it happens.” She glanced down at her comlink, it was flashing with a message. “Excuse me.” She rose from the table and headed out into the hallway to answer the message. “General Organa, you tried to get in touch with me?”

“I’ve just finished meeting with Ben. I thought I would tell you myself before you get back to his cell.”

“Tell me what?” Rey felt a rush of nerves that threatened to make her loose her dinner. “What is it?”

“The council has decided to wrap the trial up within the week. I know I had originally estimated another month, but they’re tired of finding new people arriving that side with the two of you. They want justice.”

“Can’t you stop them?” Rey wished her lungs didn’t hurt as much as they did when her breathing got panicky like this. “You’re the General! Can’t you advise them to give him a fair trial?”

“Unfortunately not. They don’t see a reason for fair when they’re trying a man who has been involved in the deaths of _millions_ of people. Use your final days with him wisely Rey. You have a lifetime to cram into a handful of days. Don’t live with the same regrets I do.”

Rey blinked her eyes to keep from crying openly in the middle of the hallway. “I’m not ready to lose him.”

“He’s not ready to lose you either.” General Organa sighed heavily. “He understands why you’ve been distant with him. He doesn’t expect you to give him anything, even with this change.”

“And there isn’t _any_ way to change this?”

“Unfortunately not. The decision was nearly unanimous. I _am_ sorry you don’t have more time. I wish you had months more time together.”

“I wish the two of you had more time,” Rey said. “I’m so thankful that you were able to reconnect with him. I know he is too. He might not say it, but he is. I know he is. I just wish all of this had been different.” She swallowed thickly. “Thank you for telling us. I’m going to go talk to him.”

“Remember to rest, Rey. It’s important that you get enough sleep.”

“Has Ben been worrying you about this stupid cough?” Rey rolled her eyes. “I’m fine. It’s just a cough.” She felt worse every day, but she was still too stubborn to say it was anything but fine. “Have a good evening General Organa.” She said, shutting off the comlink.

Rey was trapped.

She wanted to keep making him work through what he had done, but what was the point when he would be _gone_ in a matter of days? The hope was fleeting more and more each day. If only they’d never met. He’d still be alive and she’d be out there, somewhere, living a life away from this pain. But was it worth it?  


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A smutty chapter that was supposed to be posted on Valentine's Day, but I fell asleep again. It's been a stressful week and I keep wanting to make sure I update this daily-ish.

**Day Forty (Cont.)**

Rey stared at a spot on the floor a few inches in front of Ben’s feet. Her heart was pounding in her chest so hard she could hear it thumping in her ears. She felt like the world was crashing in around her. She wasn’t sure if she could bear to look at him, but she did, because she _had_ to. They didn’t have time to keep that wall up between them.

“Did she tell you?” Ben questioned hesitantly, staying rooted right where he stood.

“Yes.” She clenched her fists by her sides. “If they were always going to sentence you to death, why did they make us think there was even a _chance_ to change their minds?” Rey still couldn’t bring herself to look at him. “That’s _cruel_. Was that the point? To make you think there was a chance you’d make it out alive and then snatch it away in the blink of an eye?”

“I always knew I wouldn’t make it.” Ben sighed. “I knew they wouldn’t spare me. After all I’ve done. But at least we had time.” She watched his feet as he moved to sit on his bed, his hands clasped together between his legs. “And I had to go and fuck up our last few days together.”

“Ben… I don’t want to stay angry with you about Kikado. What’s the point in trying to make you understand right from wrong, when you’re going to be gone in a week?” She lifted her eyes slowly to look at his face. “I don’t want to waste time.”

Ben’s brows knit together. “I don’t know how to make it right. I know that what I did was wrong, but I know I only care because you _are_ angry with me.” He lifted his hands to cover his face, leaning forward with a heavy sigh. “I wish we’d never met.”

Rey frowned. “I thought I regretted meeting you. But I don’t. You’ve taught me so much about myself. I learned to love.” She wrung her hands together. “Ben, if we had more time I’d continue to keep you at an arm’s length until I was certain that I trusted you again. But we don’t have that kind of time and I don’t want to be without you.” She moved to sit beside him on the bed. “If we had more time, if we had the promise of a future…”

“If we had the promise of a future I would do _everything_ in my power to be a better man, Rey. If we could start over, somewhere else, far away from all of this… where Snoke can’t reach, can’t torment, can’t manipulate me… Where we could just be Ben and Rey. I’d give anything for that life.” He reached for her hand, curling both of his hand around it. “But it’s a long journey to absolution and I’m afraid that isn’t what I deserved.”

Rey leaned against him, her cheek resting against his shoulder. “I’ll never forget you.” She whispered. “I won’t let people forget that there was a _man_ behind the monster they saw. Ben Solo will not die in vain.”

“Don’t let the others give up hope for their family members still caught in the First Order. They can still escape, before they’re too far gone. Like me.” Ben smiled wanly and she could see the pain behind his eyes. His brave face was all for her benefit. “I wonder if I’ll be a Force ghost… or if that’s just some myth.”

“What’s a Force ghost?”

“When Force users die they typically become one with the Force, but some are able to maintain their identities and show themselves as an almost holographic image. I’ve never seen it myself. I learned of it a long time ago and never put much stock in it. But maybe I’ll be able to come back and check on you.” He said lightly. “I’ll come back and see if I approve of whoever you move on to.”

“ _Move on to_?” Rey scoffed, giving him a scathing look. “I hate to break it to you, Ben, but you’re it for me. I’m not opening myself back up once you’re gone.” The thought of moving on made her feel sick. “Would you move on if I died?”

Ben’s expression fell. “ _No_. But you’re not me.”

“Sounds to me like you don’t believe I feel as strongly as you do.” Rey said with narrowed eyes. “I assure you that I do. None of my feelings were out of _pity_ if you’ve somehow convinced yourself of that. I love you and that’s that. It’s a foolish love, but it’s a true love. It’s that stupid feeling when I see you and my heart does somersaults and body tingles from my head to my toes whenever you touch me. It’s just like in stories. Don’t doubt it because the concept is foreign to you.”

Ben smiled sadly. “I wish you didn’t. It would hurt you less if you didn’t love me.”

“And I’m sure it would hurt me less if I wasn’t bonded to you, but as it is I am both in love with you and bound to you through the Force and there’s very little to do about either of those.” Rey started coughing, which completely ruined the dramatic tone of her little monologue.

“Rey, are you okay?” Ben questioned, squeezing her hand. “You really need to go and see a medical droid. Even mother is concerned about you.”

“The concern is flattering, but I’m fine.” Rey said through coughs. “I just got something stuck in my throat.”

“Like a cold maybe?”

She shot him a look. “I’ll go to the medbay after you’re gone. If I go now they’ll keep me and keep me away from you.” Rey’s brows knit together. “That’s why I haven’t gone.”

“You need to take care of yourself, Rey.” Ben whispered, drawing her into his side, maneuvering the shackles around her so she was as close as possible. “Promise you’ll go as soon as this is over.”

“And not a day before then.” Rey told him, nestling into his side, as he moved to lay back with her. “I’m not losing any of the time I have left with you.”

“Will you go to the Crystal Caves when I’m gone?” Ben questioned, tilting his head to look down at her. “You need a mission to forget about me being gone.”

“I’m not going to forget about you.” Rey rolled her eyes. “But I will go. You’re right, I need to find my own Kyber crystal.” She tilted her head to kiss the underside of his jaw. “I’ll just wish you were with me.”

“Maybe I will be in spirit.” Ben sighed. “I always knew I’d die. But I never knew it would be like this. I never knew dying would hurt _so_ much.”

Rey lifted her hand to cup his cheek as he leaned up to kiss him. Now wasn’t the time to keep distant with him, it was a time to be close because they barely had any time to be like this. And she _really_ didn’t want to keep talking about when he was _gone_.

She sank into the kiss, lips parting as his tongue snuck out to find hers. He was still learning. But his kisses had grown more sure of himself, like he’d finally found what they both enjoyed. Rey ran her fingers through his messy hair, moving to straddle his stomach.

Ben groaned against her lips, his hand skimming over her back. The shackles clanked behind her back. “ _Rey_.” He dragged his teeth over her bottom lip, his tongue sweeping over the place his teeth had just been. “Is this what you want?”

Rey nodded her head slowly. “I want to be _close_ to you.” She didn’t care that she felt like _hell_. Their time was growing shorter with every passing second. “And if you weren’t the size of a Wookie, I’d be sitting lower right now.” She told him with a playful growl against his lips.

“Plot twist, Chewbacca is actually my father.” Ben laughed, lifting his arms over her head so she wasn’t trapped by the shackles. “Those are so cumbersome.” He rested his hands on his chest.

“I’d believe it.” She teased, pressing her palms against her chest, leaning down to kiss him soundly on the lips. Rey smiled down at him. “Why do you have to be so big?”

“I didn’t know that was something women complained about.” Ben said with a cocky grin.

“I meant your height!” She rolled her eyes as she shifted lower to straddle his groin. “Though… you’re definitely well above average.” Rey sat up straighter, rolling her hips downwards against him. The friction made her stomach burn in the most delicious of ways. “The downside to this is that I have to get up and take our pants off.”

“That sounds like so much work.” Ben said with a crooked grin, rolling his hips upwards. Rey ground herself down against him, eliciting a low groan from him. “But I think you’ll be able to persevere.”

Rey leaned down and kissed him. “But all that work is worth it, isn’t it?” She was going to miss this. Their banter made sex even more enjoyable. Maybe she was supposed to feel guilty for falling right back into his arms. But she didn’t care. Nothing about their relationship, or whatever it was, had gone smoothly or _normally_. Why stop now?

She moved to get off of him, tucking her thumbs into the waistband of her leggings to slide them down her hips. Rey loved the way he looked at her, the desire and adoration in his gaze. Ben worked at getting his own trousers down his hips. They didn’t need to get _everything_ off, just enough to make this work.

“You’re gorgeous.” Ben told her as she returned to her place straddling his hips.

“That’s only because I’m half naked and about to fuck you.” Rey retorted with no small amount of sass. She lifted up on her knees to take hold of his cock, lining it up directly beneath her. She lowered herself down slowly, taking _just_ the head into her.

“ _Rey_.” Ben hissed out, his head pressing back against the mattress. “You’re a tease.”

“I’m not teasing either of us, I’m _savoring_ this.” She told him, lowering her hips down further. “I’m memorizing how you feel.” Rey bit down on her bottom lip as she lowered herself onto him completely, a soft cry escaping her despite her attempt to keep quiet. “Sit up.” She urged, tugging at his shirt.

Ben complied with a groan as the motion made her bounce atop him a little. Rey urged him to loop his arms around her as her legs curled around his waist. She leaned up to catch his lips, her fingers winding through his hair as she started to move.

Rey wasn’t in any rush for this to be over. She took her time, savoring how it felt to have him buried within her, memorizing the way his lashes fluttered and his lips parted when her muscles clenched around him.

Even without the Force thrumming between them to increase what was already there, she felt like she was coming apart at the seams when her release hit. She could see stars and nebulas and cosmoses beyond her imagination behind her eyes.

If Poe or Finn were standing guard outside the cell, there was no doubt about what they were doing inside. Neither of them were good at keeping quiet. Ben, in particular, came with a shout of her name that rattled her to the core.

She didn’t relent the movements of her hips until she wasn’t able to move at all. Her arms curled around him tightly as they collapsed back onto the bed. Rey pressed her face into the crook of his neck, breathing raggedly. “I love you.” She whispered.

“And I you.” Ben breathed out, his shackles clanking as he ran his hands over her back.

Rey wished they could just stay like this. Where nothing else mattered. Reality would rear its ugly head tomorrow. It always did. But right now they were just Rey and Ben and the Force wasn’t a factor and death wasn’t right around the corner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hold on, because the next few chapters will be a wild ride.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A double update day! But only because this morning's chapter was supposed to be yesterday. This chapter was a painful one to write and I hate how quickly this is all coming to a close.

**Day Forty-One**

Rey practically sat on his lap during the trial. What did it matter? Everyone was already well aware that she was romantically involved with Ben and given their bleak future, she didn’t want to pass up any opportunity to be close with him. She held his hand, played with his hair, and kissed his cheek repeatedly throughout the proceedings. She could feel his stress levels or maybe her own increase as the list of his crimes came to a close.

One of the leaders made a snide remark about her refusal to testify about her own interrogation. They made a flimsy threat that she was in contempt of the court for refusing, but General Organa quickly shot that down.

And Rey knew that the crowd around them judged her more and more with each passing hour because so many of his final acts had been witnessed by _her_. Finn was called to testify and Rey half expected him to obey and take the stand, but he refused. He wouldn’t turn against Ben, for Rey.  Solidifying her status as the _most-hated-woman_ on D’Qar. And if she was going to be hated, she might as well own it. She didn’t care what people thought of her relationship with Ben.

The Damerons were still optimistic, but Rey knew it was only for her sake. Their week of counter testimonies had been squashed to the day before the verdict. By that point it would most likely be _too_ late. Their decisions were already made.

**Day Forty-Two**

Han Solo.

Rey wedged herself fully into Ben’s mind as the courtroom listened to Chewbacca detail the final moments of his beloved, lifelong, friend. Rey had known all along that Chewbacca would testify against Ben, he’d all but ignored her since Devaron. She’d betrayed his trust. She’d sided with the man that killed Han Solo.

Ben was distraught. More so than he had been throughout the duration of the trial, even when the worst of accusations had been brought against him. Rey held him, all night, soothing the sobs that shook his body as he relived murdering his father again and again.

When he was gone. When she’d finished her journey to find her own Kyber crystal… she was going to go after Snoke. She was going to kill him in Ben’s name, for all that he had done to ruin someone who had had so much potential.

**Day Forty-Three**

“Promise me you’ll go to the medbay.” Ben said as Rey curled herself against him. “You’re burning up.”

“But I’m cold inside.” Rey said with a heavy sigh. She grimaced a little, the sigh made the pressure on her chest feel even worse. “I think it’s only worse because I’m so stressed this week.”

“Don’t make me come back as a Force ghost just to force you to go to the medbay.” Ben warned gently.

“I survived _years_ on Jakku with only having checkups every two years.” Rey reminded him. “I think I’ll survive a few more days.” She tilted her head to look at him better. “Do I not look hearty to you?”

Ben laughed. “I know you’re hearty, but lately you’ve been looking a little less hearty.”

“You can blame the Resistance on that.” Rey said bitterly. “And the First Order. We can blame them both for all of our problems.”

Ben shook his head. “You can’t hold it against them, Rey. If you do, you’ll let them win. Rise above this. Don’t let anger corrupt you the way it once corrupted me.”

Rey lifted her hand to cup his cheek, brushing her thumb over his scar. “I’m _no_ Jedi Ben. I don’t need to live by those repressive rules. I am much too old to decide to shut off my feelings.” She clenched her eyes as a cough wracked her then. “Luckily I won’t have Snoke breathing down my neck the way you did. No one is going to corrupt me. I’d only let you have that pleasure.”

“It’s no laughing matter, Rey. I’m worried about what will happen to you when I’m gone.” His brows knit together. “I know what you’re capable of. This loss could tip you over the edge and _that_ frightens me more than death ever could.”

Rey chewed on her bottom lip. “There’s no reason to be frightened on my behalf. I’ll survive, just as I always have.”

“But I want you to _live_.”

“And I will. I’ll go to Ilum. I’ll take time to myself to get my head on straight.” Rey sighed, “I’ll come back and fight the good fight. In your name.” Rey leaned up and kissed him, only to pull away and cough. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. You’re _sick._ You need rest.”

“I’m sick and tired of everyone telling me to rest. I don’t want to _sleep_ away our last hours Ben.” Even though she protested, she knew she needed sleep. Her eyes were heavy and she felt terribly fatigued, but she didn’t want to miss a moment with him.

“They’re only telling you to rest because it’s _true_. You need sleep. I don’t need the Force to know how exhausted you are.” Ben shifted so he could wrap his arms around her. “I’ll still be here when you wake up.”

Rey pressed her face against his chest to hide the fact that she was tearing up. “But you won’t be in a few days.”

“But I will be tomorrow morning. Think about _now_ and not the future.” He squeezed her tightly. “ _Sleep_.”

“Fine.” Rey retorted stubbornly. Admittedly, she didn’t know how much longer she could fight the sleep that was pulling her under.

**Day Forty-Four**

“Did _nothing_ we said today matter?” Rey gritted out as she sat with the Damerons. She had left Ben to spend time with his mother, before the end. She knew how much it meant for both of them and she wanted them to have that last little bit of time together _alone_.

“Unfortunately not.” Isa said with a shake of her head. “We should have known with the expedition that they had no intention of taking us seriously.” She tsked loudly. “They’ll regret this one day. I just know it. They have proven to the galaxy that there is _no_ peace in war.”

Lin rubbed his wife’s back. “I agree. They could have used this as an example of how they are different from the First Order.”

“ _Exactly_.” Rey retorted. “Sentencing him to death is no different than what Snoke intended to do to him if he’d returned to the First Order. I don’t know how these people can sleep at night. I know he is no innocent man, but…” Her heart was racing and she could feel the rage coursing through her veins. She needed to calm down.

“Rey, are you alright?” Finn questioned, reaching out to squeeze her hand across the table. “You’re looking a bit grey.”

“I’m fine.” Rey pulled her hand away from his. “Just stressed. Angry.” She shook her head, waving her hand dismissively. “I’m so used to being in the cell with him, I forget how strongly the Force reacts to emotions like that.” She let out a shaky breath which in turn became a ragged cough that made her eyes and ears hurt. The pressure was incredibly painful, but she was soldiering through it.

“You don’t look _fine_. But if you say so.” Finn narrowed his eyes. “You need to take care of yourself better than you have been.”

“I’ll take care of myself when _he_ is dead and not a minute beforehand.” Rey bit out and she swore that her anger made the lights flicker around them. But given the fact that no one else seemed to have batted an eye, she was probably just seeing things.

Isa and Lin exchanged looks. “How long was Leia going to be meeting with Ben?”

“Several hours. I suppose they have a lot to talk about and it’s only fair.” Rey said, curling her fingers around the edge of the table.

“Perhaps you should go rest.” Isa said gently. “You need all your strength for tomorrow.”

Rey’s brows knit together. She hated that it felt like all of them knew some big secret and she wasn’t allowed to be clued in on it. But she had enough on her mind right now that she didn’t need to get herself involved in another mess. “Well, I know when I’m not welcome.” She moved to stand up. “I’ll see you all tomorrow.”

“We want you here Rey, but we also want what’s best for you.” Poe said, catching her hand when she tried to walk past. “You do have to continue once this is over.”

“Do I?” Rey wrenched her hand out of his hold. “Let me deal with this in my own way. What might work for you isn’t going to work for me. I’ll cope how I see best.” She all but spat out. She could fear the electric-like current of her anger bubbling in her veins.

“ _Rey_.” Isa said in a motherly tone.

“I’m going to _sleep_.” Rey said briskly, not bothering to turn back to look at the table. She needed to get away from them before she said things she’d regret. She wasn’t thinking clearly. How was she supposed to carry on as part of the Resistance after this? How could she keep fighting for the people that had destroyed the man she loved? Neither side was in the right. The Resistance and the First Order both had a hand in destroying Ben Solo and Kylo Ren.

Rey clenched her eyes shut as she walked. Her head was throbbing. She was hot and cold and her lungs burned with every breath she took.

She’d made a wrong turn.

Somewhere along in her fever haze, she’d gone the wrong way. She was nowhere near her quarters or Ben’s cell. She wasn’t sure _where_ she was. But the floor rose up to meet her and the world went careening out of view. 

She wasn't as strong as she'd thought she was. 

**Day Forty-Five**

Ben hadn’t slept at all. He’d laid awake waiting for the door to open, but it never did. It was unlike Rey to not come to his cell. Especially given that it was their _last_ night. But she didn’t come. Had she decided she couldn’t bear it any longer? Had she run to avoid dealing with the fallout that would come after his verdict was delivered? He didn’t blame her. Not one bit. He’d run too. If he could.

The door opened in the morning and Poe stepped in. His eyes were sad and his lips drawn into a thin line. “It’s time, Ben.” He said quietly.

“Where’s Rey?” Ben questioned, his brows knit together. “She didn’t come last night. I thought she’d be here.”

“She’s in the medbay.” Poe said hesitantly, flinching as if he expected Ben to lash out at him. But he didn’t, because the news knocked the wind right out of him.

“How bad off is she?” Ben asked, swallowing thickly at the bile that rose up in the back of his throat. She hadn’t run. Of course she hadn’t. Why had he even humored the idea that she wouldn’t be there with him out of fear. Rey feared nothing, except… well, he wasn’t even sure if she feared not having him with her. That was him that feared the after, existing in a place where Rey couldn’t be for a very long time.

“I don’t know the extent of it. I just know that one of the droids found her unconscious last night. She’d passed out and hit her head.” Poe shook his head slowly. “She won’t be able to be there today.”

Ben stared at Poe, feeling tears burning at his eyes, but he willed them not to fall. He wouldn’t go into the courtroom crying in the face of death. He could be stronger than that. For Rey. “Please tell her how much I love her.”

“You still have time to tell her yourself.”

“Once the verdict is served, there won’t be time Poe. You and I both know that they desire a swift course in justice.” He clenched his fists. “Take care of her. _Please_.”

“She can take care of herself.” Poe told him, clapping him on the shoulder. “But I’ll always keep an eye out. My parents will too.”

“I just want her to be happy.” Ben said quietly, bowing his head. “Let’s get this over with.”

Poe surprised him with a hug. “When I figured out what was going on between you and Rey, I was furious at first, but then I saw how _happy_ she was. There was a light in her eyes I’d never seen before.”

“Thank you Poe.” Ben drew in a fortifying breath. “I’m ready to face this. Please tell Rey that I wasn’t afraid. Not like I was before. I’m sad because I’m not ready to leave, but I’m not afraid to die because I know someone will think of me when I’m gone.” He blinked rapidly, but the tears slid down his cheeks.

He could feel her now that he was outside of his cell. But it was too faint to reach out to her, to assure her that he was there, that he’d give anything to be by her bedside. She was too far away. That only worked when she was next to him, thanks to the shackles around his wrists. He just wanted to tell her that it would _all_ be okay.

“You know, you’re not half bad.”

Ben arched a brow. “But I’m not half good either.” He said dryly, giving the pilot a look. “You’re a poor substitute for Rey’s banter, I hate to break it to you.”

“I figured you’d say that. Though Finn says I do an excellent impression of her.” Poe elbowed him in the ribs. “You know, I think he’d just finally warmed up to you.”

“That’s only because I’m going to be dead by morning.” He rolled his eyes. “Maybe Rey will find someone Finn actually gets along with.”

“He would have gotten along with you eventually.” Poe said a small smile. “He just needed more time.”

“Didn’t we all?” Ben’s shoulders sagged, his eyes flickering to the ground in front of his feet. “Tell Rey that I’ll always be with her.”

“I will.” Poe said as they approached the entrance of the amphitheater. His parents were waiting there with Finn. Their faces were all worn and drawn and Ben could feel the uneasiness around them.

“I don’t need sympathy or pity.” Ben said as he came to a stop before them. “The only one that should be pitied right now is Rey, because she’s not here and we know she wouldn’t let us pity her to her face.”

Lin squeezed Ben’s shoulder. “Are you ready?”

Ben nodded his head slowly, resigned to his fate. “As ready as I’ll ever be.” And yet, as he walked into the courtroom, he swore he’d found hope in a hopeless place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actual image of me while writing this chapter.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought after all the yelling and threats of harm to me that it might be wise to update this morning instead of making you all wait like I'd been planning. I love getting yelled at over what I write! It's been so long. I'd be an awful showrunner, I'd always be like "wow this is dire, but I KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT ABOUT A HUNDRED TIMES WORSE". 
> 
> I thought this story would be ending soon, but I think there's still a little more life left in it.

**Day One**

Rey opened her eyes slowly, momentarily blinded by the bright light above her. Her nose was the next sense to be overwhelmed – her nostrils burning at the pungent scent of medicine drifting through the air. Her chest felt lighter than it had before, but her head was only killing her in one spot. Had she hit her head?

The last thing she remembered was falling. Everything was a little hazy. Was it morning or night when she’d hit her head? She’d been in such a fog all week and the days had all blended together.

“Hey. _You_.” She said, her voice a little dry as she beckoned a medical droid over. “What happened to me?”

The droid lifted her arm and scanned the bracelet around her wrist. “You were admitted twenty-two hours ago after suffering a mild concussion. You were diagnosed with bronchitis, which caused severe swelling of the bronchial tubes, due to it being left untreated you developed a rather dangerous case of pneumonia, which may have led to your collapse. Thanks to my _skilled_ treatment you should make a full recovery.”

Rey sat up slowly, inhaling deeply, which was quite impressive considering how difficult it had been not that long ago. “Why did it get so severe? I would feel like I was getting better and then I’d just get knocked right back down.”

The droid tilted its head to the side. “You are Force sensitive. Records of previous Force sensitive patients suggest that the Force attempted to heal you, but that increased periods of deprivation from the Force caused an opposite effect. Were you under great deals of stress prior to your admittance? Your blood pressure levels were dangerously high, suggesting that your body was under great deals of stress.”

“I was. Yes.” Rey’s brows knit together as she looked towards the doorway. “Hello General Organa. Poe… Finn.” She smiled weakly. “How long have you been standing there?” She hadn’t even noticed them at first, then again she still felt a little woozy, which probably had something to do with the medicine in the IV bag beside her.

“Long enough.” Poe said with a warm smile. “It’s good to see you awake. You had us worried.”

“You mean she’s _not_ pregnant?” Leia questioned the droid.

Rey’s eyes shot wide as she looked between Leia and the droid in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

“The pregnancy test returned as a negative, General Organa.” The droid explained. “She shows only one life signature. Her own.”

“I was unconscious before, but I’m perfectly conscious right now. What the hell? Why did you have a pregnancy test run on me?”

“We thought you were pregnant.” Poe said apologetically. “Now we just look like assholes.” He rubbed at the back of his neck. “It was General Organa who first suggested it. She was so certain.”

General Organa glared at him.

Rey’s brows knit together and she lifted her hand to pinch the bridge of her nose. She couldn’t believe that they’d thought she was pregnant and hadn’t even had the balls to ask her. Like she wouldn’t know.

“I hate to break this to all of you, but I’m _not_ going to get pregnant. Unkar made all of us get these implants in our arms,” She lifted her arm to show the tiny little star shaped scar on her arm. “They last for about two years and prevent us from getting pregnant.” Sure the additional slave labor would have been useful, but it put one of them out of commission for a while and it was another mouth to feed. “Did you all _really_ think I was just having unprotected sex with Ben for fun? For the love of the stars, that would have been a _mess_!” Her cheeks were burning hot now.

“Well, we all definitely thought you were pregnant.” Poe made a face. “Sorry?”

“You probably thought I was some goody-two-shoes virgin too, didn’t you?”

Finn’s lips parted in surprise. “You _weren’t_? All this time I thought Kylo Ren had… what’s the phrase Poe? _Popped your cherry_. Right?”

Poe gave him a wide eyed look and shook his head as if to silence him.

“That’s _enough_.” Leia said sternly, slapping Finn in the arm.

Rey didn’t heed Leia’s comment though. “I actually popped his cherry.” She remarked, giving Finn a look. It wasn’t like Leia didn’t already know. Since that awkward topic had had to be addressed.

“Wait…” Poe held up a hand to keep her from saying anything else. “You’re telling me that _Kylo Ren_ was a virgin? Are you sure? I mean the guy was _hot_. I mean he had a whole base full of Stormtroopers… and _none_ of them… I’m just shocked.”

 _Was_.

Rey arched a brow. “Speaking of Ben… where is he? I’m sure he’d like to know that I’m not dying.”

The three looked between each other. She could tell by the looks on their faces that something wasn’t right and it wasn’t good either.

General Organa stepped closer to her bed and held out her hand for Rey to take. “I wish I had better news to give you, child. But Ben…” Rey’s breath was caught somewhere in the back of her throat. “Ben is dead.”

“ _What_?” Rey hissed out, jerking her hand out of Leia’s hold. “What do you mean he’s dead? How is he dead? He can’t be dead.” Her head was reeling. It didn’t feel right. She could still _feel_ him. “He’s not dead.” She wrenched the IVs out of her hand, much to the droids surprise and anger. But she didn’t give a damn what the droid complained about. “Tell me you’re lying.”

“I’m afraid we aren’t lying, Rey.” Leia said gently. “The council chose to move forward swiftly. I wasn’t able to stop them.”

“You weren’t _able_ to stop them? Your son is dead and you’re just going to remorsefully say you weren’t _able_ to stop them from executing him? I didn’t even have a chance to say _goodbye_.” She was about to lose her god damned mind. How was Ben gone? How could she still feel him like he was right down the hall? She felt him so strongly and yet they were telling her he was dead. _Gone_. “Please be lying.” She blinked back tears. “Please. I wanted more time with him.”

The power around them fluctuated before shutting off completely with an explosive blast from one of the consoles.

“Rey you need to calm down.” Leia warned, which only pissed Rey off more. She moved to get off the bed.

She was unsteady on her feet at first, but no one dared to step towards her to help. Rey narrowed her eyes at them. “You could have prevented this. Somehow. You could have delayed the courts. Instead you let him _die_.” Rey’s fists curled at her sides. Yanking the IV out had been a terrible move, her hand was bleeding and she could feel it running down between her fingers, dripping onto the ground.

But the pain felt _good_. It made her feel something other than the numbness that had settled in. She understood now why Ben had pounded at the wound at his side when they fought. The pain focused her on her goal.

“Rey your hand is bleeding. You need to let the droid treat it.” Poe said hesitantly, stepping in front of her for only a moment, before he realized that was not a wise decision.

“It’ll heal.” She gritted out. “I’m leaving. I can’t stay here.” Rey couldn’t figure out why she still felt him. Unless _this_ was what the whole Force ghost thing he’d mentioned felt like. In which case, she was going to go crazy. It was strong and steady, in the same sort of way it had been when he was on Mustafar and she knew _exactly_ where to find him.

This time she couldn’t pinpoint where he was.

All she wanted was to hold him again. To feel his arms wrapped around her. The memories already felt faint. It hadn’t been _that_ long since she’d been in his arms and yet it felt like a distant touch that she’d never know again.

“Don’t follow me.” Rey threatened as she turned around to face them, her back to the door of the medbay. “I don’t want anyone to get hurt.”

“Is that a threat, Rey?” Leia questioned, narrowing her eyes. “I understand that you’re grieving a great loss, but I will not tolerate threats of violence. We have been through enough.”

“Then I guess you should have tried harder!” Rey all but snarled out. “And what if I had been pregnant? Would you have denied Ben the pleasure of _knowing_? Or was that why you let it happen. So your potential grandchild would never know its father?” She was infuriated at that thought.

Ben had been right about anger. It was easier to let it in than acceptance. So much of what he’d warned her about these emotions had been right and she was now teetering on the edge because she wasn’t as strong as she’d thought she was.

“Rey, where are you going to go?” Finn questioned, taking a few cautious steps towards her. “Is this what Ben would have wanted you to do?”

“I’ll go wherever I want to. Anywhere but here.” Rey retorted coldly. “And I’d ask him what he wanted me to do, but he’s not here to answer me, now is he?”

“No, he’s not. But I know he wanted you to be happy.” Poe said, stepping beside Finn. “He wasn’t afraid, Rey. He was ready. He faced death unafraid.”

Rey held up her hands. “I don’t want to hear about how he wanted me to be happy. Happiness isn’t achievable now.” She was certain that once the initial shock wore off, she’d calm down, but right now everything felt infinitely worse than it was. She remembered the pain of being abandoned, but this felt like the end of the world. It had to be their Force bond that was making it worse.

It wasn’t like she hadn’t been alone before. She’d been alone her _whole_ life. But she’d gotten a taste of what it felt like to have someone to come home to and she wanted it with every fiber of her being. She wanted that fantasy of theirs that had just been a cruel work of fiction their brains had made.

It was dead. Just like Ben.

Rey backed out of the medbay, her eyes flickering between Poe and Finn before settling on Leia with a sad smile. “I have things I need to take care of. Please don’t look for me.” She wiped at her eyes as she felt tears trailing down her cheeks. “Tell Chewie I’m sorry, but I’m taking the Millennium Falcon. I know it means a lot to him, but it means a lot to me too.”

“He’ll forgive you.” Leia stepped towards her, but stopped herself. “Do what you must Rey. We all cope in our own ways.”

“Thank you General Organa. May the Force be with you all.” She bowed her head before she turned sharply on her heels and _ran_ to her quarters. She didn’t own much, but she shoved what she had into her pack and headed straight for the flight deck. She boarded the Millennium Falcon and she didn’t look back. There was nothing to look back  _for_. Ben was gone, there was nothing that tied her down with the Resistance. Not now. 

She was going to do exactly what Ben had told her she should do. Luke’s lightsaber was useful, but it didn’t fit her the way Ben talked about his own lightsaber. She needed her own. One that was perfectly attuned to who she was and where she lay within the Force.

Ilum was her next stop.

It was only then, in the safety of the Millennium Falcon, drifting in space, that she let herself mourn. She screamed and she cried and she had to fight the urge to _destroy_ everything around her. She could feel the way that the Force coursed through her, steady and strong. Reacting to the anger and sorrow that pumped through her like the steady thump of her blood in her veins. 

But she could feel him. Like a heartbeat in the current of the Force. It made no sense to her. How she could feel him so strongly when he was gone? It wasn’t fair. She could feel him all around her and yet he was nowhere to be found.

No matter how many times she screamed for him to show himself… she was left with the deafening sound of _silence_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to starzangelus who came up with the humorous part of this chapter with me the other day.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After all that yelling I got for the last two chapters, I felt the need to get this chapter out today. Yay for double posting days! There's not lot going on at the surface, but you have to look deeper at everything.

**Day Three**

“You never told me that Ilum was an _arctic_ world.” Rey complained as she stared out the window of the cockpit. Snow was billowing around the Millennium Falcon. She hadn’t been in the snow since she’d fought Kylo Ren near the Starkiller Base. She’d hated it then and she knew she’d only hate it more now.

“It would have been nice if you’d warned me. Your father better have more of those parkas stowed away in here.” Rey swept her hair back, fixing it back in a tight bun on the back of her head. She looked around the cockpit expectantly, before she headed back through the ship, poking around every closet she came to, trying to track down something that would keep her warm.

The clothes she’d brought with her weren’t exactly right for Ilum. She’d come from a hot and sandy world and then D’Qar was always warm and dry. She’d never had a need for heavy coats. And given what she knew about Ilum, she was going to be out in the elements for quite some time.

It _always_ ended up being the last door. Rey laughed to herself and shook her head as she stared into the room that contained several parkas, but they were Resistance issued. “I guess I was right when I told you Unkar stripped everything else out.” She sighed as she grabbed one of them and pulled it on. She felt like a little girl wearing her parents’ coat. She had to roll up the sleeves and cinch the waist with a belt.

“I know you’re laughing at me.” Rey remarked, narrowing her eyes. She knew she was crazy. Ben wasn’t there. Even if she thought he was. It was just wishful thinking. But she had always talked to herself. She’d spent _years_ having only herself to talk to, she’d gotten used to sounding like a crazy person.

But it wasn’t herself she was talking to. It was Ben. She wanted nothing more than to make some snide remark and hear him laugh and dole one right back at her. Even just one more time.

At night she had listened carefully. Every creak and groan of the Falcon as she drifted through space, filled Rey with a momentary glimmer of hope. But then she remembered her new reality. The reality where Ben was still with her and they were on this adventure together.

**Day Four**

She still had another day’s journey to the Crystal Caves. She was cold all the way down to the very core of her soul, but she pushed onwards. She was determined to get there and find her damned crystal. She wasn’t going to turn back now. Not when she was so close to finishing something Ben had wanted her to do.

Then… well, she didn’t know what she was going to do. She couldn’t go back to D’Qar. She couldn’t walk the halls that led to places Ben had been. She couldn’t sleep in a bed that she’d shared with him. Hell, she hadn’t even been able to sleep in the same quarters she’d slept in with him on the Millennium Falcon.

Sometimes she swore she saw him between the snowflakes that landed on her eyelashes. But then she’d wipe at her eyes and focus and realize it was some craggy rock face that mocked her with its shape.

There were small caves along her path that shielded her from the wind chill overnight and she was able to make small fires to keep herself warm. But she wasn’t sure how many more nights like these she could weather. Her fingertips felt numb and her toes had long sense stopped having feeling in them.

“I wish you were here Ben.” She muttered, clenching her teeth together as they threatened to chatter as the wind slapped her across the face. “If only so you could suffer in this miserable weather too.” Rey curled her arms around herself as she continued trudging upwards to the mouth of the cavern that loomed up ahead. “I bed you liked snow. You’d probably find this all terribly amusing.”

Rey hated herself for getting sick. Why hadn’t she been able to be stronger? To hold out a little longer. Ben had _needed_ her and in the end she failed him. She let him walk into the threshold of death alone, without a goodbye. Maybe it made it easier for him, but harder for her. Their relationship didn’t _end_. It was just gone in the blink of an eye and twenty-two hours.

But was it every _really_ a relationship? She didn’t know what to call it. If only he was there to _ask_. She’d found him half-dead and she’d brought him back to life, only to leave him in his final hours. She was _never_ supposed to fall in love with him. She’d been so insistent that she wouldn’t _love_ him. Yet she did. More than she had any right to.

Now she got to wake up every day half-alive. A part of her had died when he died, even if she hadn’t been there to witness his last breath.

Rey had to give it to General Organa. She’d managed to inform her of Ben’s death with so little emotion. Like it was some well-rehearsed line she’d been waiting to say since the moment he’d turned against the Resistance at the age of fifteen.

Was she an enemy of the Resistance? Had she defected the same way that Finn had defected from the First Order? Who was she even, now? She hated both sides of a galactic war. She’d swear allegiance to neither part. If they asked she’d spit in their faces. Because they were the sides that tore apart the other half of her. She wouldn’t let them tear her apart too.

Master Luke’s ramblings had discussed the lack of order in the Force. The light side and the dark side had been engaged in a vicious battle since they were discovered. There had never been balance, when balance was all there _needed_ to be. Someone always got it into their mind to take over completely, to be on the winning side. Which threw everyone back into deadly wars.

Why was balance so difficult to achieve?

“I hate them Ben. I hate them all.” Rey hissed out as she drew her coat up around her lips more. “I know you said that hate was no good, but I can’t _stop_ it. I’ve hated before, but I’ve never hated like this. I can feel it in my bones and it seeps from my every pore. I wish both sides would implode in on themselves so for _once_ this war could end.” Rey couldn’t go any further. Her legs were too tired. She soldiered on, reaching the small cave that would shield her from the snow. It was only big enough for her to crawl into it. She was thankful that it was empty and that no creatures called it home. Because tonight it was hers and she was willing to fight for it.

“One side of the war groomed you for the slaughter and the other delivered the fatal blow.” She curled into a fetal position, trying to find warmth within herself. “How did it happen? I wish I had asked. I wish it was quick.” Rey fumbled for her lightsaber at her hip, shifting a little so she could use the blade to cut into the rock in front of her, making more space for herself.

The wind was still getting inside the small cave and the stone was frigidly cold, which didn’t help her at all. She refused to die here on Ilum, trying to find a Kyber crystal. No one would know where she was, unless Poe and Finn remembered when she mentioned possibly coming here. But still, by the time anyone came looking she’d be frozen solid and buried under the snow.

Rey focused on carving away the stone, welcoming the heat the lightsaber put off and the strain of her muscles as she worked her arms at a different angle than she was used to. She had to be careful or run the risk of causing the cave’s ceiling to collapse in on her. But she needed to go deeper, to get out of the path of the wind or she wasn’t going to make it through the night.

“I wish you were here Ben.”

She knew he was. He was always in her heart.

**Day Five**

Rey honestly didn’t know _how_ she’d survived the night. Ilum’s weather seemed to only grow worse with every passing hour on the planet and that evening had been particularly unbearable. She wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she got back to the Millennium Falcon and found she was going to have to lose a few toes. Maybe even fingers.

It was _brutally_ cold and yet she only had to endure it for another day. The Crystal Caves were in sight now. She could see the dark mouth of the cave at the peak of steep slope she’d been climbing. She would be able to stay in there for a while, completely out of the elements. Ben had impressed upon her how _important_ her choice was. She would have to meditate and reach out into the Force to find out which Kyber crystal was _hers_.

She had no idea what to expect. Would they all glow like rainbows? Would she have to dig for them? Was she going to have to build the blade herself? She only had experience with two lightsabers – Luke’s and Ben’s. Luke’s was refined, made by skilled hands that knew their way around technology. Ben’s was fastened together crudely and it spit angrily, like the anger she knew he’d harbored for years.

What was hers going to be like? Would it be blue? Green? She’d always loved purple. Maybe hers would be purple.

 _Red_?

Rey’s brows knit together. That was her conscious and it wasn’t Ben’s voice. But the voice was unknown to her. It was the wind, she swore, playing tricks on her. She’d been walking and walking and sleep was almost a foreign thought. She mostly passed out from exhaustion and woke up to the same dark, snowy, realm around her. There was no true morning or night here. Everything was an endless whiteout.

Rey wasn’t sure how many times she fell on the way up the last leg of the slope. The snow seemed particularly slippery or her fatigue was getting to her. She had fasted, unintentionally, but she hadn’t been able to bring food with her. She’d eat like a Queen when she got off this hellish world.

But then, she was there.

The Crystal Cave was _surreal_ and at the same time completely underwhelming. She’d expected some magical space, with sparkly, colorful crystals. But the crystals she saw were all colorless and unappealing. They were many different shapes. Some shafts were long, some thin, some thick, some were smooth and some looked dangerously sharp. They seemed to sing to her. All of them.

As she warmed up and explored the vast, never ending cavern of crystals, she could feel it. It was a deeply spiritual space. There was no alter or iconography, no drawings from previous pilgrims or scribbled messages from sacred texts. It was all around her. The air was electric and the vibrations the cave emitted shook her to the core.

The Force was strong here. Stronger than it had ever been before. Stronger than she ever imagined it could be. Still she felt him. Like she was hyper aware that he was still with her. Only not there. Not in the cave.

Like a heartbeat that was just out of reach.

“I did it Ben.” Rey grinned as she took of her coat, thankful that the cave was warm and she could finally feel all of her appendages. “I knew you never gave up on me.” She could still see his smile when she closed her eyes. It was a crooked smile, like his fathers. She’d never seen someone who smiled like that before. She never would again.

Rey sat down on the ground, crossing her legs comfortably in front of her self. “I’m ready.” She said, to no one in particular. She didn’t know if there was some special way to address the Force for this. She could feel the tendrils of energy curling around her arms and legs, brushing over her skin. It was welcoming her. A touch almost tangible, charged with the power and spirit of every Force user that had come before her.

Everything else seemed to fall away as she let the Force wash over her. She had never meditated so deeply before. It was like she was in a trance and only when she was ready would she be allowed to snap out of it. The Force was learning her, inside and out. It was weighing and measuring her. It was determined to know even the darkest parts of her.

 _Red_.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know everything kind of sucks right now. But Rey's journey right now is REALLY important. I don't know how I can impress this upon you, but all of this is for a purpose and I hope you stick with me through this journey. I really loved this chapter and I'll talk about that in the end notes.

**Day Seven**

Her meditating lasted two days.

Rey was surprised to come out of it feeling better than she had when she went in. She wasn’t even hungry and after two days of travel and two days of meditation, she’d expected to be _starving_. She felt at peace, at least with the future. She was still unsure of the past.

She could move forward. She had no _choice_ but to move forward. But the past would remain a point of anger for her. In the span of forty-odd days she’d experienced a lifetime. Love and loss, passion and anger, hate and peace.

Slowly Rey stood up, her eyes flickering around the room, trying to find the source of the pull she felt. One of the crystals was calling to her. It was only a matter of figuring out which one it was.

She walked past countless Kyber crystals, until she found one that was practically singing her name. Rey inhaled deeply as she crouched down. Hesitantly she reached out and curled her fingers around the crystal, pulling it from the earth which trapped it.

Everything swirled around her. The sensation wasn’t new. She remembered feeling this way before. When she’d touched Luke’s lightsaber. She felt like she was being drawn upwards by her belly button and suspended somewhere between worlds.

Rey shook her head as the vision came into focus.

 _Kylo_?

Rey’s eyes widened as she stared at the cloaked figure. She opened her mouth to call his name, but he turned around and she knew it wasn’t him. His mask, however, was not unlike Kylo Ren’s. Except the metal plates of his mask bore a red pattern. He towered over her and for a moment she _feared_ what could happen in this vision.

A woman appeared behind the figure. It was like looking into a mirror. Her cheeks were slanted like her own and her eyes were so familiar, she would have sworn she was looking into the eyes of her…

Mother.

“Revan.” He turned around grandly, removing his helmet and kneeling before the woman. As his cloaks settled around him, Rey could see what his attention was on. The woman was heavy with child. “She is coming soon.”

He pressed his lips to her stomach. “Our little Rey.”

Rey couldn’t suppress the sob that rose up in her throat, she couldn’t stop the tears that spilled from her eyes. These were her parents. Faces she couldn’t even recall, now standing before her. But they couldn’t see her and they faded into fog when she tried to touch them.

The walls twisted and morphed and in a blink of an eye she was somewhere far away. A battlefield. She caught sight of a flash of red and she ran towards it. She didn’t know why, but she was drawn to the light. Like a moth to a flame.

Rey was knocked off her feet as a ship exploded high in the sky above her. She looked up in time to see her father deflect the shot of a blaster that nearly claimed his life. His lightsaber was crimson. Her father was on the dark side?

Her mother was halfway across the battlefield, her own lightsaber drawn as she cut down attackers. It was green. It reminded her of the staff she had on Jakku. Except both business ends were lightsabers.

“Bastila it’s too dangerous!” Revan shouted at her.

“Too bad. If you’re going to die, it’s going to be by my hands.”

Everything shattered the moment Bastila pressed her back against Revan’s and scene was gone. In its place Rey found herself standing in the middle of a nursery. Wherever she was it was beautiful and wholly unlike the dark living quarters that had been her parent’s.

Rey took a few steps forward and realized where she was when Han Solo appeared in front of her. He looked _years_ younger than when she had met him. He was no older than Ben… _had_ been.

“I never thought I’d be the _fatherly_ type.” He remarked with a crooked grin that was truly a Solo-signature. Rey looked behind her to see General Organa standing in the doorway. She looked _beautiful_.

Her stomach, just as Bastila’s had been, was round and swollen.

Rey’s heart fluttered at the thought that _that_ was Ben in there. It was a moment that he had never known existed. One where his parents were _happy_ and overjoyed about his existence. Where Han and Leia were talking to her stomach and imagining what their little boy would look like. She didn’t know how this had decayed into what she first encountered. But somewhere along the way, the joy had turned to sorrow.

Clearly the same had happened for her parents. Perhaps their lives had grown too dangerous for her. For whatever reason they’d dumped her on Jakku and it was hard to know be _angry_ about that. If they hadn’t had the intention of raising a child safely, why have her at all?

The vision seemed to react to her anger. It fluctuated like a dying datapad. Rey felt a little queasy as everything shifted around her, static loud in her ears. She stumbled, nearly falling to the ground as everything levelled itself.

She could hear water falling somewhere. Like the waterfalls on Naboo.

Rey blinked and looked around, taking in the sights around her. It was a beautiful home. The grand Nabooian architecture felt strangely like home to her. It was so unlike anything she was used to. It was elegant and detailed and far removed from life in an abandoned AT-AT, the base, or the Falcon.

“Rey!”

She turned when her name was called. But it wasn’t _her_ that Ben was addressing. She wished it was. She wished that the messy haired man before her was calling out to _her_. But it didn’t make sense.

If she’d seen the past… what was _this_?

How accurate were these visions? After all, when she fought Kylo Ren his mask was off, but her vision had told her it would be on. Did they change? Were these visions of the future a moving point in her timeline?

“You have to stop worrying about me!” The vision of herself laughed as she appeared in the doorway. “I’m not doing anything the medical droids haven’t approved for me to be doing.”

Ben shed his heavy cloaks, hanging them from a hook before he moved to her side. “I won’t stop worrying. We both know how stubborn you are.” He kissed her temple as he ran his hand over her stomach. “I can’t wait to meet our little one.”

Why were her visions doing this to her? Why were they showing her some twisted future that she’d never have. It was worse than Ben’s fantasy, because at least then they’d clung to it in hope that they could have it. Now she was seeing something she knew she’d never have. Ben was gone. He couldn’t be part of her visions of the future.

She couldn’t control her reaction. Her ability to do so seemed to lessen by the second. Rey wanted to destroy what she saw. The anger within her ran hot and the world around her was engulfed in flames. She’d always had a temper, but it seemed to have worsened. Without Ben she felt like a ball of potent anger, just waiting to explode.

Rey wasn’t sure if the vision had stopped on its own or if she’d torn herself out of it. She looked down at the Kyber crystal she had her fingers clenched tightly around. It was glowing blood red. “No no no.” She dropped it.

The sound of it hitting the cavern floor stole the breath from her lungs. She grimaced as she looked down at it, half-expecting to see it completely destroyed at her feet. But it wasn’t. It was cracked and from it she sensed a pulse. Hesitantly Rey knelt down to pick it up, the red light emanated from it, but at its broken core she saw a purple light, rich like indigo. What did that even _mean_? Red, she knew, was used by the dark side, but the purple hardly looked _evil_.

Why was her crystal _red_? What did that even mean? Ben had told her that the experience of finding your crystal was supposed to reveal who you were at your core. All that meditating had been for the Force to help her understand who she was. Who she would be.

It frightened her.

It sparked a little in her hand and Rey tore off the hem of her tunic to wrap it carefully, moving to tuck it away into her coat pocket.

“Who are you?” Rey questioned, her eyes flickering around the cave. Was her mind just playing tricks on her? Or was she _not_ alone?

There was silence. For a long time. But Rey stood there stubbornly. She knew she wasn’t alone. Of course she wasn’t. The Force was all around her.

 _Rey_.

It was the voice from before. The one that had told her what color her lightsaber would be. But the voice wasn’t unfamiliar now. She knew it. She’d heard it before.

Rey’s brows knit together. “Revan?” She swallowed thickly. There was a flash of red ahead of her and she checked to make sure her crystal was still safely stowed away in her jacket pocket on the ground. It was and it wasn’t glowing.

“If someone’s there… _come out_.”

But no one appeared. It was silent.

 _Rey_.

“That’s _enough_!” Rey snapped, her fists curling into balls at her sides. “Show yourself!”

A blast of cool wind swept through her hair. She whirled around and found herself staring at the mask of her father. Just like in the vision. Only now she could see through him, almost like a hologram.

“I had no intention of showing myself.” He said, bowing his head as he removed his helmet, tucking it under his arm. “You look so much like your mother.”

“I know.” Rey’s brows knit together. “I saw her. In a vision.”

“What did you see?”

“She was pregnant with … _me_. Then I saw a battle.” She shook her head. “None of it makes sense. Why did you have me? If you were just going to leave me?”

Revan’s shoulders sagged. “You were not a choice, Rey. We _wanted_ to have you, but there are rarely happy endings in a universe torn apart by constant war.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Tell me about it.” Rey said dryly, crossing her arms across her chest. He didn’t need to tell her that there weren’t happy endings. She knew first hand. “You might have dumped me on Jakku, but I’m afraid I turned out like you anyways.” She looked away. “I don’t understand how my _father_ can be so similar to the man I fell in love with.” Wasn’t that something that happened? People sought out those that reminded them of their family?

“ _Who_?”

Rey’s eyes widened then and she turned back to look at him, a certain amount of hope in her gaze. “Maybe you know him. He recently passed away. Ben Solo. _Kylo Ren_.” She searched her father’s expression and saw no sign of recognition.

“I’m sorry, Rey. I don’t know him.” Revan shook his head slowly. “Not all who are Force sensitive end up like this. I am _sorry_ you lost someone you loved, Rey. We never intended to leave you on Jakku, but it was for the best. It _saved_ you.”

“Ah, _yes_.” Rey scoffed. “I’m sure leaving a toddler on a planet with an almost-slaver sounded like a _genius_ plan at the time. But don’t worry. I survived. On my own.” She glared at him then.

“We always planned to come back for you. One day. But we feared what the dark side would do with you if they got ahold of you. You are _strong_ with the Force. Stronger than anyone we had encountered and it terrified us to think that they would use you.”

Rey turned away from him. “So _that_ is why you were whispering red to me? Because the best way to fight the dark side is clearly to possess a blade the same color as the ones they use. Even _you_ held a red lightsaber.” She ran her hands over her face, letting out a heavy sigh. “How did that even work with my mother? She was a Jedi wasn’t she? And you were…”

“A Sith. It was a highly unpractical relationship.” Revan chuckled. “But your mother saved me and inadvertently caused a Force bond between us. It was all downhill from there.” He said with a small amount of humor.

“You didn’t answer my first question.” Rey said, turning back around to face him. She felt like history had repeated itself. How had she fallen into the footsteps of her parents, when she hadn’t even _known_ them?

“You’ve asked so many.”

“I can’t imagine why.” Rey retorted dryly, crossing her arms across her chest. “Why did you want me to have a red lightsaber?”

“Because, not all who wield them are _bad_ , Rey.” Revan took a cautious step towards her. “It’s a choice. One that you must make. Red is rare to find here in the caves. It’s usually a color synthetically made by the dark side.” He stared down at her, a small smile curving the corners of his lips. “You have _so_ much potential Rey. But you _have_ to let go of the anger.”

“I _can’t_.” Rey gritted out. “It’s not that easy. I wasn’t _trained_ in any of this. I’m making it up as I go along.” She took a step backwards, shaking her head. “I can’t just shut off my emotions. Though I wish I could. That would solve _everything_.” Her head was reeling.

For so many years she _dreamed_ of meeting her parents. She had waited day in and day out for them to return. She’d been afraid to leave Jakku, afraid that if she moved they wouldn’t find her. But they were never going to come back for her. Because they were already gone. She resented this man standing in front of her. How could any parent think leaving their child was the best option? How was it even an option at all?

“You have grown up into a beautiful young woman. You have strength beyond imagination.” Revan said gently. “I am proud to call you my daughter.”

Rey held up her hands. “You don’t get to be proud of me.” She bit out. “And you _shouldn’t_ be proud of me.” Her heart was pounding rapidly in her chest and she wasn’t sure if she wanted to scream or cry. The image she had built up of her parents was nothing like she’d hope for.

“Why shouldn’t I be proud of you Rey?”

“Because. I have no interest in being on _either_ side of this ridiculous war. It’s taken too much from me.” She looked away, her eyes clenching closed. “It took you and Bastila. It took Ben.”

“But you can champion over your losses. Take them in stride.”

Rey’s eyes flashed angrily as she fixed him with a look. “You don’t get to try to mentor me like a _father_.” The anger made her blood feel like it was boiling. “I never even knew you. You don’t get to come to me as a ghost and try to tell me how to live my life. I make my own choices. Like I have my _whole_ life.”

“Anger is a dangerous emotion, Rey.” Revan warned her.

She held up her hands. “I _know_. But anger was one of the first emotions I learned and that’s thanks to you.” Rey turned away from him, then snatching up her coat and pulling it on. She wasn’t going to stand here and be preached life lessons from her dead father. She was ready to get off this wretched plan and get somewhere warmer. Somewhere she could construct her lightsaber in peace.

Somewhere she knew like the back of her hand.

 _Jakku_.

“Rey, where are you going?”

Rey looked back over her shoulder at Revan. “There’s an abandoned AT-AT on Jakku. It was picked clean of any profitable parts a long time ago. But there’s some sentimental pieces remaining. Particularly a wall with scratch marks. One mark for every day since _you_ left me there. There’s a year worth of days I need to catch up on.”

“Your mother and I are always with you Rey.”

She laughed coldly. “Only because I’m made up of your DNA. I always dreamed that I’d have some grand reunion with you. One day. I gave up so many chances to get off that damned planet. Because I was afraid I’d miss your return. I should have known.” Rey shook her head slowly. “Was it worth it? Leaving me behind to fight this damned war?”

“No. It wasn’t.” Revan retorted and it was clear that he was trying to keep his words modulated. “But it was a choice we had to make. You wouldn’t be here today had we not sacrificed a life with you.”

Rey clenched her fists. “I’m tired of having to make choices because of this war. I’m sick of it.” She humored the idea of returning to her AT-AT and becoming a recluse. She’d be the stuff of legends in the Niima Outpost. Children would tell stories of the terrifying, angry, woman that was a force to be reckoned with.

But that was _no_ life that Ben would want her to lead in his wake.

“You can’t singlehandedly end this war.”

Rey stuck up her chin defiantly. “Watch me.” She turned back around to face her father. “I hate both sides of this damned war equally. Together they managed to destroy _everything_ I could have had.”

And _yes_ , that meant her parents. Now she understood that it was both sides that ruined everything. Her parents, Han, _Ben_. They’d all still be here if they weren’t trapped in this never ending battle.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to you.” Rey said, her shoulders sagging as she stared into the eyes of her father.

“Goodbye will do.” Revan said defeatedly, bowing his head. “May the Force be with you Rey.”

Rey nodded slowly. “Goodbye Revan. _Father_.”

Revan faded away before her eyes with the faintest flash of red. Still she knew nothing of her family, not really. Her anger had clouded her judgement. She had this rare chance to learn everything and she’d thrown it away because she was angry. Not at him, not at anyone, just _everyone_ without prejudice.

“ _Wait_! Come back.” Rey spun back around, half expecting him to have reappeared at her request. But the cave was empty and silent.

She was alone.

Rey took the loss in stride. She used it to fuel her downward descent. Into madness. Into darkness. Down the steep slope. She was spiraling. Careening. It was all downhill from here. How much could one person lose in her life and still manage to come out sane?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I actually completely, unconsciously, paralleled some of Revan and Bastila's story when I started writing this story. I love the parallels people draw between Revan and Bastila and Rey and Kylo. The whole Dark Side and Light Side contrast, their Star Map storyline, Revan's outfit looking just like Kylo's. I love it. When I shifted a few things in this story, like Rey and Kylo's ages (23 and 25) I limited myself with her origin story. I went away from the conventional origins most people use and went with her being the child of a couple I used to really love. Revan and Bastila did have a child, but he wasn't Force sensitive. Creative license though, I took them and made them my own for this story. 
> 
> Anyways, stick with me. Rey's journey is going to be awesome. She's so volatile right now.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being awesome readers and reviewers and sticking with me for this ride! I love reading your theories and laughing at your funny comments (space dad! ;D). You guys rock and have been so welcoming to me! I love writing this fic and the chapters come so easily. 
> 
> Like this one. I stayed up late and woke up early to get this out today!

**Day Ten**

She managed to survive Ilum with ten fingers, ten toes, and half a heart still intact. The journey down the mountain seemed considerably easier than the upward journey. But still it took her two days to get back to the Millennium Falcon and then she gorged herself on whatever food she could find and she slept for a whole day.

One day when her head stopped reeling and she stopped seeing the world in red, she was going to regret passing up the opportunity to get to know her father. But at the time it felt _right_ to push him away. She couldn’t get over the fact that he reminded her so much of Ben. It seemed like some sort of sick joke.

Rey rolled onto her side and stared at the metal clad wall beside her bed. “I miss you Ben. I don’t even know if you can hear me. I find it unsettling that Revan said he didn’t know you. That not all Force users become Force ghosts. Were you one of the unlucky ones? Or maybe lucky ones. I didn’t ask.” She let out a heavy sigh before she rolled back onto her back, staring up at the ceiling. “I’m going back to Jakku. I don’t know how long I’ll be there. I bet you’d laugh at my old home.”

She couldn’t keep laying around. She had a lightsaber to make. She threw on the first clean garment she found and headed for the cockpit. The snow had accumulated quite heavily overnight and it took _forever_ to warm up the Millennium Falcon enough to melt the crap off of it. She couldn’t wait to be back on Jakku, where all you had to worry about was sandstorms and sunburn. Both of which she’d mastered defeating a long time ago.

Rey climbed into the pilot’s seat, setting the coordinates and shifting into hyperdrive. Somewhere among the stars just beyond Jakku’s moons there must have been a Resistance satellite. As soon as Rey dropped out of hyperspace a message popped up from D’Qar, but she deleted it without a thought.

She didn’t want to hear from General Organa. She didn’t want to hear from Finn or Poe. She didn’t want to hear from _anyone_ that wasn’t Ben (which she knew was impossible). Not right now. Maybe one day. When she cooled off. Which seemed unlikely. Her Kyber crystal told a different story about the path she was on.

The Resistance could kiss her ass for all she cared.

**Day Eleven**

Rey had been overjoyed to discover that Chewie had fixed the cloaking shields on the Falcon. There was no way in hell she was letting anyone scavenge it for parts while she was working on her lightsaber.

Her AT-AT home had been disturbed since she’d left, but all of her personal effects were still there. Including her tool kit which she had stowed away in a nearly hidden compartment within the leg of the AT-AT.

She’d missed the heat of Jakku. It was a dry sort of heat that was wholly unlike D’Qar. Never in her wildest dreams had she imagined that she’d _miss_ Jakku. But it was one place that hadn’t been marred with a memory of Ben. Sure, he’d _been_ there, but she hadn’t encountered him then. D’Qar left a bitter taste in her mouth. The thought of ever returning there made her feel like losing the contents of her stomach.

Rey was completely aware of the fact that her reactions to everything were _incredibly_ visceral. But wasn’t that a part of grieving? She wasn’t going to cope like everyone else did. She’d never been _taught_ how to cope. There were no parents to explain to her right from wrong, there had never been anyone to take her by the hand and pull her aside and punish her for bad behavior. She’d self-regulated herself and like _all_ children that grew up alone, that meant she was deviously possessive and tragically unprepared to cope with the loss of something she had deemed _hers_. In this case, Ben had been hers. He had been wrenched out of her hands and she hadn’t even been able to mourn over his body. To kiss his lips a final time.

Maybe she was spared that pain. General Organa had said something about how it was easier to have lost Han because she hadn’t seen his spirit leave him. She was still able to remember him for who he was when he was alive, instead of remembering him for what he was when he was gone. That hadn’t made sense to her until now.

She had spent just enough time off Jakku for her skin to grow unaccustomed to the sun’s blistering rays. The sun had burned her skin on her trek to find supplies, she relished the heat that rose to the surface when the sun set in the evening. Pain was a strange comfort to her. It reminded her that she was, in fact, still alive. Even though she felt distinctly nonexistent.

Rey had forgotten how uncomfortable her make-shift bed was in her little home. The metal grating dug into her skin beneath the threadbare blanket covering it. Not _all_ pain was welcomed. All she wanted to do was sleep and she could barely get herself halfway comfortable.

**Day Twelve**

At some point in the early morning hours Rey found herself _freezing_ cold. She had never known the temperature of Jakku to drop so dangerously low overnight. It was _always_ hot. No matter what she did she couldn’t stop shivering. She was colder than she’d even been on Ilum, which was saying something.

The chill was gone as quickly as it had begun. There was _no_ explanation for it. The air was warm and yet goosebumps had covered her skin, making the hair on the back of her neck stand on end. It was bizarre to say the least. She felt like she’d been dumped into a vat of gelatinous ice.

Now that she was awake, she decided that she ought to get back to tinkering on the damned lightsaber. It was proving difficult, even at her own fairly advanced level of understanding the inner workings of mechanical parts, a lightsaber was quite different. She was half tempted to take Master Luke’s apart, but with her luck she’d break it and not be able to put it back together again.

**Day Twenty**

Rey had quickly discovered that the people of the Niima Outpost were well aware of where she’d been the last few months. Some of the older women she used to scrub parts with shied away from her when she approached. One was even so bold as to leave her scrap pieces behind as she hotfooted away from Rey.

“Ah, so the scrawny Rebel scum has decided to return to the only home she ever knew.”

“ _Unkar_.” She gritted out, turning around to face the large man. “Can’t say it’s a pleasure to see you again.”

“Should have known you’d come crawling back here with your tail between your legs.” Unkar jeered, much to the amusement of some of his thugs that milled around the outpost. “Heard you got yourself tangled up in quite the mess.” He laughed obscenely. “Always knew you weren’t right in the head.”

Her fingers itched to reach for the lightsaber at her belt. It would be _so_ easy just to run him through and make him pay for everything he ruined about her childhood. But she resisted the temptation. Even though the dark side was pulling at her, tempting her. It was so convincing in its offers.

Now she understood what Ben had gone through. The battle between the light and dark. Vengeance was sweet but patience was tart.

“My affairs with the Resistance are none of your business Unkar. You don’t _own_ me anymore.” Rey spat out, “I’ll be gone before the month is through. I have that leisure now.”

“The rumor around the galaxy is that you developed quite the sweet spot for Kylo Ren.” Unkar nearly choked he laughed so hard. “Or rather, the rumors said that you carried on whoring for the Resistance just like you whored around here for an extra portion or a rusty old speeder.”

Rey clenched her fists tightly at her sides, fighting the flare of anger that ran through her hotly. She could tear him apart, limb by limb. She wouldn’t even need her lightsaber. She could take him. Destroy him. Make him pay.

“That doesn’t even dignify a reply. Mostly because rumors are just that. _Rumors_.” She shot a threatening glare at one of Unkar’s thugs that made a rude gesture at her. He started choking, grasping at his throat as if an unseen force was strangling the oxygen from his lungs.

Rey was terrified momentarily, before she realized that it was _her_. She pulled back her mind, releasing the unintentional grip she’d had on the man’s throat. He collapsed to the ground, unconscious from the lack of oxygen to the brain.

How did that work? Was it just a natural response? Could she not even control what the Force did now?

“What did you do to him?” Unkar snarled out at her, his hand posed at the blaster strapped to his hip.

Rey narrowed her eyes, holding his gaze. “I did _nothing_ to him.”

“You did nothing to him.”

Just as she had done before, with Stormtroopers, she was able to control him.

“You will give me all of the portions behind your counter.”

Unkar blinked dumbly. “I will give you all the portions behind my counter.” He turned then, heading back to the small hut.

“You will question where they have gone.”

“I will not question where they have gone.”

Rey smirked, a thrill running through her at how much easier this skill seems to be. Either Unkar was just _that_ dumb or all of her meditating and getting in touch with the Force had paid off.

“What are you doing to him?” One of the thugs questioned in his native tongue.

“It is none of your business. You will turn around and walk away. You saw nothing.”

“It is none of my business. I will turn around and walk away. I saw nothing.” The thug replied, turning around as instructed and walking away from the outpost.

Unkar returned with a large sack full of portions.

“The women and children thank you.” Rey said snidely as she snatched the sack away from him. She’d never seen so many portions in her life. But these weren’t for her. These were for all the people who had once been in her position. She realized that this was _life_ for them, but they all deserved to eat and not starve when scavenging grew slow. It _always_ did and those were the worst times for everyone. Those that had abused that fact and it was those that didn’t have that suffered consequences.

Rey turned around to address the startled scavengers around her. Some of the women that had scattered when she arrived had returned. They stared at her in _awe_ instead of horror as she dropped the sack of portions at her feet. “These are for _all_ of you. You deserve to eat like kings and queens.”

She stepped back as the hungry masses descended upon the overstuffed bag. She knew that feeling all too well. So many of them had never even had a fully belly before. They didn’t know what stuffed felt like. She hadn’t until D’Qar.

“ _Unkar_ ,” Rey said crisply, turning back around to face the confused looking man. “You will _never_ cheat a scavenger out of portions that are rightfully theirs. You will _always_ provide fair food for fair trade.”

“I will _never_ cheat a scavenger out of portions that are rightfully theirs. I will _always_ provide fair food for fair trade.”

“My work here is done then.” Rey said, dusting her hands off as she looked around at all of the joyful faces. It wasn’t going to last forever, but for right now everyone was happy, even if she wasn’t.

**Day Thirty**

The lightsaber was _nearly_ complete. She was hesitant to test it out until she was absolutely certain the crystal was seated right. It took a degree of skill that she wasn’t quite sure she possessed. But she hoped that the Force wouldn’t allow her to do it wrong. She sought it out every time she worked. There was no way it would have looked so _good_ had she not had the Force guiding her. It was far too finicky of a project for her to be skilled at. She had no patience finicky.

Rey looked towards the wall that held the tally marks that she’d made since she was a little girl. One mark for each day that passed until her parents returned. She had crossed them all out one evening after too many hours of unsuccessfully connecting the power core in the hilt. Anger felt like the only emotion that made sense. Anger was a strange bedfellow. She made a new wall of tally marks: thirty neat lines and counting, marking each day she had been without Ben.

She kept expecting to wake up one day and find that the overwhelming grief had subsided, but it never did. She felt like she was being torn apart; mentally, physically, and spiritually. But the feeling that he was still there never lessened. If he wasn’t a Force ghost, like her father, then why did she still feel him so strongly?

 

 

 


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I had to sum up some of the emotions Rey is feeling in this chapter, I'd probably use this quote from the beginning of a Clone Wars episode. 
> 
> “Fear not for the future, weep not for the past.” - Voyage of Temptation (2x13)

**Day Forty**

The lightsaber is not going as well as Rey hoped that it would. The hilt that she’s constructed, which is almost identical to Master Luke’s, doesn’t seem to be right for the Kyber crystal. The one time she tried to ignite it, she was fairly certain she’d singed off her eyebrows. She wasn’t going to be leaving Jakku in under a month like she had planned. She needed more parts and Niima Outpost wasn’t going to have them. Cratertown would, but it was several days away.

Her design was going to have to be completely scrapped. Her Kyber crystal wasn’t designed for a short hilt like Master Luke’s and she doubted it would even function in a hilt constructed like Ben’s. It called for something longer – like her staff.

**Day Forty-Two**

Rey was certain that her use of the Force was wildly inappropriate. Her ability to make _anyone_ do what she wanted was a dangerous skill for her to have. It was nefarious. But it was so very _her_. She’d always been willing to beg, borrow, and steal what she needed to get by on Jakku. Her return had proved no different. She was stronger than she’d ever been before and she felt no true guilt for using her newfound abilities to her advantage.

The people of Jakku had _every_ reason to fear her now. There was no need to be warry of her because of rumors, people could see firsthand that she was a force to be reckoned with.

It was in her nature to be impulsive and the darker undercurrent of the Force only exacerbated that desire. She’d fought her whole life for what she wanted, what she deemed herself to _need_.

The journey to Cratertown was an arduous one on foot. But it was easier once she’d absconded with a shiny podracer with a few choice Force-laden words.

Anger was a funny emotion. After a while it fused itself to every other emotion. It bored into your bones. It leeched into your veins and it poisoned your bloodstream.

The irony of it all was that she understood Ben so much better now. She understood _why_ he’d become Kylo Ren. But it was the loss of him that made her understand. There was no way for her to tell him. She hoped he knew, wherever he was. But she had a feeling, he’d probably be disappointed.

“Doesn’t giving everyone Unkar’s stock of portions make up for stealing this pod?” Rey questioned, wishing – like always – that she’d hear a reply. The silence was canceled out by the sound of sand scratching against the window of the podracer as she flew across the terrain.

**Day Forty-Five**

She had nothing to trade for the parts that she needed, but who needed to trade when her words were able to give her everything she needed. The prices were gouged, she knew it wasn’t _worth_ what they were offering it for. She wasn’t doing anything wrong, not really. Not when she came up with a dozen excuses why she was in the right and they were in the wrong.

She wasn’t _really_ hurting anyone. It was just a mindtrick they wouldn’t even remember.

Except for one of the scavengers that had tried to jump her at the podracer. She was fairly certain she’d broken his wrist, but it could have been worse. She could have snapped his neck like she’d been tempted to. But something seemed to guide her hand back down to her side and release the tight clamp she had on his throat.

Killing some scavenger for scavenge seemed hardly right, given her own origins.

**Day Fifty**

Someone had covered the side of her AT-AT with graffiti in Aurebesh and Rey was thankful that she didn’t know enough of the language to decipher what it said. Given that Unkar’s men were the only ones she knew that knew Aurebesh, she could only imagine that they were taking the piss out of her.

She couldn’t let that get under her skin. She knew that the trial had been widely talked about. Rumors come from truths and the lines between reality and fiction were blurred beyond even her imagination. So what if Unkar’s thugs wanted to pant graffiti on her home to tell everyone she had been Kylo Ren’s whore. It was tactless and unintelligent.

She could read exactly what it said, but she chose to pretend she didn’t. She couldn’t handle one more thinking making her angry. She had already reached her boiling point and she’d been steadily bubbling over.

**Day Fifty Five**

Rey kept falling asleep at her workbench. She’d wake up in the morning with the imprint of her tools pressed into her forehead and her cheeks and a distinct feeling of not being alone. It wasn’t like she felt like she was being watched, it was just a funny feeling that invaded her senses without any real reason. It left her on edge, but it made her work harder on her lightsaber.

She vainly hoped it was Ben. But the feeling was different than when she’d encountered her father. Whatever it was, it wasn’t a Force ghost. Which meant it wasn’t Ben either.

“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, Ben.” Rey said, to the feeling that she’d branded as him. It was easier to think it was him than think some other creature was lurking at the corner of her vision. “The world isn’t black and white anymore. It’s red and it’s grey. I’m somewhere in the middle – half alive and half dead – but I feel like I’m bleeding out.”

**Day Sixty**

The lightsaber was complete.

It was double-bladed. One side was pure, crimson red – a strong and steady blade. The other was the more unpredictable and fragile indigo which sparked out from the core of the crystal. It was hotter than the red half and seemed attuned to her in unimaginable ways.

“Let’s get off this wasteland.” Rey remarked as she shoved everything that was hers into her backpack. This was the last time she ever intended to come _home_. Jakku was in her past now. Just like everything else. The future was wide open with unpredictability. But now she was armed with something that was – for once in her life – truly _hers_. No one could take it away from her.

**Day Sixty-Two**

She had never _really_ gotten to travel. She didn’t consider any of her trips for the Resistance as travel. Sure, she saw new worlds and some of the wonders they held, but it was far from leisure. It was usually quick in and quick out, with very little satisfaction.

She knew there were _hundreds_ of planets and moons to explore. Some, she knew she could never visit because they were too closely aligned with the First Order for her liking. Despite her new found hatred for the Resistance, she could tolerate being on a planet that they were also on, but the First Order… _not likely_.

Rey dreamt of going to Naboo. She knew _why_. That far off fantasy of Ben’s that they could never have, all tangled up with the Force vision that made no sense. She _wanted_ to go to Naboo. But she couldn’t bring herself to type in the coordinates. She’d been there once and once was enough.

Instead she opted to go to Coruscant. She’d been on a landing pad during one mission and hadn’t been allowed to get out and explore. It had looked _exciting to her_. She’d never been in a city so large. She’d never seen buildings that towered high above her, making her feel like a sand ant in their shadows.

**Day Sixty-Five**

She _hated_ Coruscant.

The people were loud and rude and the fast paced lives they led made her feel like she was going to get whiplash. The drivers were dangerous, constantly veering into each other’s paths and nearly taking out pedestrians on walkways. She had no idea how anyone lived on Coruscant. She supposed that most of them worked within the city and lived on the outskirts. Who in their right mind wanted to call a place like _this_ home?

Rey did, however, find that she loved the Museum of Multispecies Science. She visited it each day, because it wasn’t as crowded as milling around on the streets outside. The people were calm and quiet and they didn’t make her feel like lashing out and killing someone. She hated the fact that somewhere along the way, that had become a default reaction for her.

**Day Sixty-Six**

Rey invested in a new wardrobe. The clothes she’d left D’Qar with bore too many memories to wear every day. There were a dizzying array of shops on Coruscant, featuring a wide variety of styles. She settled on a basic style, not unlike the clothes she already wore. But the colors were key, she chose blacks and greys and reds. She picked out robes that fell around her small frame just right, that somehow made her feel more powerful than she really was. Not that she even knew who she was anymore.

The person she saw in the mirror was a shell of her former self. She longed to go back to being that person, the person she was before _all_ of this had begun. But that attempt had failed. She had returned to Jakku a different person and who she was had been was long dead in their eyes and in hers.

On Coruscant you could be _whoever_ you wanted to be. She learned that quickly when she encountered the same people, each night, in the divvy bar around the corner from her hotel. Their names changed every evening. It was strangely freeing to be somewhere where no one knew your name and no one needed to know that it _was_ your real name.

She was no longer _just_ Rey. She went by another name now. One that she insisted had no relation to anyone else that bore it too. Of course, she was no fool, she knew that some put the names together and realized who she was. She didn’t care. She didn’t really care about much at all.

She didn’t care about the messages from the Resistance that she received and deleted. She didn’t care that they were probably desperate pleas for her to come back _home_ to a home that was destroyed sixty-six days ago.

Meditation did no good to flush Ben out of her system. She tried, though the thought of getting him out of her seemed wrong. But she wanted to know if it was possible. If she could _stop_ feeling him. Even after death some part of him was deeply imbedded into every fiber of her being. It had been like that longer than she cared to admit.

She had felt him after their battle on the Star Killer Base and whatever connection had been wrought between them only seemed to grow over time. Shouldn’t it have died with him? Instead she swore it grew stronger, threatening to make her lose her mind, or whatever was left of it.

There was always the possibility that all of this was in her mind too. It wouldn’t surprise Rey in the least to find herself coming completely apart at the seams. Mixing reality with fantasy.

**Day Seventy**

Coruscant wasn’t as bad as she’d initially thought it was.

There was entertainment and excitement around every corner. She could easily get lost in some ridiculously corny play or fall asleep to the sound of the symphony playing on the holoscreen in her hotel room.

And try as she may to stop thinking of _him_ , she found herself searching for his face in crowds and imagining what his response would be to every unusual new sight she took in. Mostly she wanted to know what he thought of the exhibits in the museum. Had he ever come here as a child? Was that why she was so drawn to it? To experience something he had once experienced?

She was particularly fascinated in one display that focused on carbonite freezing and how Cloud City had perfected the art of the practice. They’d started with small tests – fruits, vegetables, even small livestock. Then they tested on humans, which wasn’t very successful at first. Often they were removed from the carbonite only to discover that some part of them had not been appropriately frozen or when testing proved more successful, they came out dreadfully ill.

Rey wasn’t entirely certain why it fascinated her so much, but it did. The whole concept of freezing someone for an unknown duration and then thawing them seemed unfathomable to someone who had been raised on a desert planet with no knowledge, whatsoever, as to what it felt like to freeze.

**Day Eighty**

“I can’t stay here forever,” Rey lamented to herself or to the feeling over her shoulder. “I wish I could. I’m someone different here. Someone who blends in with everyone else. Except I don’t fit in here. Everyone is always going somewhere and I’m not… and I don’t want to be like the underbelly, because they’re the sort of people that don’t go anywhere.” She shuddered.

She packed her new wardrobe into her new luggage bags and went to retrieve the Millennium Falcon from the hotel’s garage. There had been _no_ need for a large vessel like the Falcon in Coruscant and she’d managed to avoid incurring fees on her rides around the city, thanks the mind trick she’d perfected.

While she’d been away she’d received a message or two a day from the Resistance. When were they going to realize that she had no intention of opening _anything_ they sent to her? It wasn’t going to be the news she wanted to hear. Why bother?

“I don’t think I’m as angry as I was before.” Rey remarked as she typed in coordinates for another nearby planet. “I can think of you without wanting to lash out. Maybe Coruscant was good for something after all.” It felt like someone had thrown a wet cloth over her anger and dampened it out. It was a relief not to feel a constant, steady, consuming flow of rage.

She shook her head. “And don’t worry Ben… Despite the offers I got in the bar, I passed them all up. No one is going to be you. I don’t want anyone else.” Rey sank back into the pilot’s chair, letting out a defeated sigh. She was brave-facing herself. “I just wish you’d reach out to me.”

A message popped up on her screen. It was from an unfamiliar source. Rey had half a mind to open it, but who – other than the Resistance – was going to be sending her messages? No one else knew where she was. General Organa had just gotten clever and thought jamming their source code would get her to answer their messages.

It wasn’t going to work.

Rey swiped her finger across the screen and deleted the message without another thought. She didn’t need to open that can of worms. General Organa would guilt trip her back into working for the Resistance and that was about the last thing in the Galaxy she wanted to be doing.

She had to focus on the future. If she kept holding onto the past, she was going to lose everything that made her Rey. She had now endured twice as many days without Ben, than she had _with_ him. But that figure didn’t help the pain she felt. It was the fact it was left unfinished that made it even worse.

Anger had given way to acceptance or something close to it. She wasn’t sure if she could _ever_ accept that he was really gone, not when she still felt him deep within her bones. She just had to keep trying. One day she’d finally accept that she could never lay in his arms again and rest her weary head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is going to be fun.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the several day delay on getting this to all of you. I hurt my legs quite bad two days ago and I think the pain was hindering me. Special thanks to starzangelus for helping me get this done, I needed a little encouragement and she was awesome. 
> 
> I really hope you enjoy this chapter. It's long, it's got something I've been planning for awhile, and I hope that you all enjoy it. The next chapter is the one I've been waiting anxiously for so I can't wait to write it!

**Day Two Hundred**

The past one hundred and twenty days had gone by in a blur.

Rey had planet hopped for a while, spending a few days on different worlds, taking in the culture and the people, before moving on to the next. It kept her busy and it kept her from dwelling on the past. It didn’t really lessen the pain so much as it dulled it.

She wasn’t sure if this was what her life would be now. Drifting from place to place. Never really settling down for longer than a day or two. No one expected _anything_ from her and that was the most freeing feeling. She had no obligations to anyone but herself.

Day in and day out she found herself receiving transmissions from the Resistance and every one of them she deleted. She refused to give into the temptation to open them. She _needed_ the barrier she placed between herself and _them_. If she went back now she’d spiral into the abyss she was slowly clawing her way out of. 

And then _something_ pulled her back to Devaron, despite vowing to never go back to any planets that made her think of Ben. She tried to resist it. She tried to ignore the gnawing ball of nerves in her belly, but she _had_ to go back to where, in essence, this all began.

“I’m _listening_. I’m _going_.” Rey bit out as she keyed in the coordinates. There was a weight on her shoulders, almost like reassurances but more like urging.

Devaron’s airspace was littered with First Order vessels and Rey wasn’t sure she’d raised the cloaking shields fast enough to avoid being seen. The Millennium Falcon was _not_ the type of vessel she wanted to be in under fire. She’d done that once and barely got by with her life. They didn’t notice her, though. She sailed right past them without any sign of notice as she entered into the planet’s atmosphere.

“I have a really bad feeling about this.” Rey said to that _thing_ at the corner of her vision. She wasn’t sure what to think of it. She wanted it to be Ben, but there was no way to be sure. Some days it was always there, something shifting just out of sight and other days there was nothing at all.

Maybe she really was just going crazy. Maybe there was _nothing_ there and it was just an excuse for why she did some of the rasher things she did.

“You better not have led me here to get killed.” Rey looked over her shoulder at the spot _it_ had just been in, staring at the empty space. “Though if it’s _you_ , then that means I’m another day closer to seeing you again.”

Devaron hadn’t changed at all – except this time she hadn’t crash landed the Millennium Falcon and it wasn’t pouring rain. But aside from that, Devaron looked exactly like she remembered it. It was hot and the forest was dense. It was difficult to find a clearing big enough for the ship, that wasn’t already occupied by First Order vessels.

She hated seeing Stormtroopers swarming through villages near the temple. She _knew_ what sort of havoc they could wreak. They were ruthless and she felt somehow to blame for Devaron’s current state. If only she’d stayed with the Resistance…

 _No_. She couldn’t think that way. This wasn’t her fault – it was _theirs_. If the Resistance couldn’t be bothered to _help_ , like they had been… She had no part in this.

Rey kept out of the line of view of any of the Stormtroopers. She really _wasn’t_ in the mood for a fight. Despite the very real desire to test out her lightsaber on something more than small trees and junk metal.

Whatever had drawn her to Devaron, was also drawing her back to the temple. It towered high above the trees and she couldn’t help but think of Ben. They had set out unwittingly towards the temple, after a morning basking in the pleasure of their first time together. The longing for him hadn’t faded and the memories only made her _want_ what she could never have again.

She missed the way it felt in that moment, where everything else fell away and they had been _one_. She had never felt so complete in her life, she hadn’t even known there was any part of her _missing_ before she found him.

Two hundred days and counting and still Ben was part of every fiber of her being.

Rey was thankful that the Stormtroopers and other First Order personnel hadn’t taken an interest in the temple. The path to it was uneventful, aside from tripping a few times over roots. She kept looking behind her as she approached one of the entrances, searching for any sign that she was being watched.

The last time she hadn’t been watching her back and they’d been knocked out. That wasn’t happening this time.

Rey wrenched opened the control panel for the door, trying to figure out what she had to do to make the door open. She’d barely touched the wiring before the door _whooshed_ open and a Devaronian pulled her inside.

She fought their hold, pushing them away from her with the Force and her own two hands. “Get off!” Rey bit out, glaring at the culprit. “Tel’vak? Well at least _this_ time you’ve learned not to knock people out.”

“I’m sure you’ve seen _now_ , why we feared visitors.” He retorted, giving her a cross look. “Come with me, there are others who wish to see you. We’ve been waiting.”

“You’ve been waiting for _me_?”

“Me’avka will explain. She’s far more eloquent with all of this.” He gestured for her to follow him deeper into the temple. Rey didn’t know _what_ to think of this situation. But whatever had gotten her to Devaron, sounded like the doing of the Devaronians. Which made sense, they had thought that she and Ben were some prophecy-fulfilling pair.

There were fifteen Devaronians crowded into one of the antechambers and beyond that she saw dozens more. The temple had apparently been a saved from the First Order’s wrath. At least, for now.

Tel’vak cleared his throat to silence their murmuring, “This is Rey –”

“Solo. Rey Solo.” That had been her surname of choice since Coruscant. She was surprised by how many people didn’t even bat an eye. Ben Solo didn’t exist to them, they only knew of Kylo Ren. Solo meant _nothing_ to anyone. But she wasn’t always Rey, sometimes she was Isa, other times she chose Bastila. But she was _always_ Solo.

“She came here with a man many months ago. They saved us from certain death,” Tel’vak turned to face Rey, “But our freedom was short-lived. Three months ago the First Order took over. They must have been waiting for the Resistance to pull out.”

Rey’s brows knit together. “I’m _sorry_.” She said drew in a shaky breath, looking at the faces of each and every person in the room. “Why did the Resistance pull out? Did they choose to no longer assist you?”

“They surveyed our cities and towns and found that we had bounced back from our starving time. They weren’t able to waste their resources on us any longer.” Tel’vak frowned. “There are Stormtroopers everywhere in the main cities. They don’t hesitate to kill. In one of the smaller villages near the river, they say that the roads were stained red with blood. Not even the rains could wash it away.”

There was a flare of familiar anger roiling in her stomach. She didn’t know who it was aimed at – the Resistance for leaving these people defenseless or the First Order for sweeping in for the kill.

“I’m not with the Resistance anymore.” Rey admitted. “I can’t help you like I did before. I have no pull.” She saw the fear in their eyes, their gazes drawn to the lightsaber at her hip. “But I’m not with the First Order either. I’d sooner be dead than help them. I’m with _myself_. There’s only me.” Rey stood up a little straighter. “Which one of you is Me’avka? I want to know about why all of you have been waiting for me.”

One of the female Devaronians rose to her feet, bowing her head respectfully as she addressed her. “I realize what we did a year ago was _highly_ unethical, but you must understand that… we _knew_ it was for the best.”

“What did you _do_?”

Me’avka met her eyes, “We drew blood from both you and your partner. We are able to summon one another using a machine developed _long_ ago. Some refer to it as blood magic as the machine itself is a wholly divine creation.” She wrung her hands together. “Because of what the two of you potentially meant for us, we chose to take your blood so that we could summon you when we needed you.”

“So _you_ summoned me here? You’re right, that’s wildly unethical.” Rey crossed her arms across her chest, glaring at the woman. “Why do you think I can help?”

She sighed, “We tried to reach your partner –

“And you can’t, because he’s _dead_.” Rey bit out, she could feel the anger bubbling in her veins.

“ _What_?” Me’avka seemed surprised by her words which left Rey feeling a little dizzy. “Are you certain he’s dead? The blood did not react how the blood of the dead does.” Her brows knit together in confusion. “Regardless, we resorted to summoning you. We _need_ someone who is willing to save us.”

“And you think I’m the person?”

“We _know_ you are.” Me’avka said, an edge of desperation to her words. “Our people don’t have the weapons required to defeat those monsters out there.”

Rey shook her head. “What if I told you that Ben – _my partner_ , as you called him – was once no better than any of those men out there.” She knew it was more black and white than that, but everything seemed murkier now. “Your prophecy was about two people who possessed the light and dark side. I’m no longer the light side that countered his darkness.”

Me’avka stepped towards her, putting her hands on her shoulders. “The interpretation you were told is different than the one that we know, Rey. Those two people _both_ possessed the light and dark side, not one or the other.”

Rey swallowed thickly. “We _were_ both of those. I see that now.” She closed her eyes and tamped down her emotions. “There’s only me now. Maybe we weren’t your prophecy after all.”

“We are _certain_.” Tel’vak informed her. “You brought about the end of the rain, now we hope you can end this _reign_ before it begins.”

“I _can’t_.” Rey said quickly, her hands clenching into fists. “I don’t think I can.” She could, she knew she could. She was resisting everything within her, good and bad alike.

“We need you. Our planet will fall into their hands if someone doesn’t step in.”

There was a push deep within her mind, urging her to face this and follow it through.

“ _Fine_.” Rey sighed heavily. “I will see what I can do. But I can make no promises. I am _one_ person and there is half a legion out there.”

“I believe that I speak for all of us when I say that we have faith in you.” Me’avka said. “You’re the last chance we have to escape this hell.”

“I will do what I can.” Rey assured them, taking a step backwards. “I’ll need to scope it out first. I’m not running headlong into a battle that I’m not prepared for. I have no formal training with this,” She said, gesturing to her lightsaber.

She _hated_ that these people were counting on her. After all these months of being free of the weight of obligation, they’d thrust her right back into the war she was still trying to avoid. She had known that she couldn’t avoid it _forever_ , but she’d tried to.

**Day Two Hundred and One**

There was _no_ way she could complete what the Devaronians wanted in a day. If she was expected to fight, she needed to rest and mediate and find her center again. She had gotten too caught up in herself in her travels, she needed to relearn how to fight _for_ someone else.

She dreamt of Ben and _that_ was exactly what she had needed. She couldn’t continue living from day-to-day, drifting through space, running away from the hurt. She had to embrace it, use it, and do _something_. He wouldn’t want this sullen existence for her.

The dream had felt so real. She had woke, half-expecting to find him curled around her. The empty bed was a jarring reality.

Rey wrapped her arms and legs with the support cloth she typically wore and dressed in one of her tight fitting outfits. She didn’t need anything getting in her way. She wasn’t going to let these people down. They were counting on her.

She set out into the forest, trailing a group of Stormtroopers who were returning from one of the villages. Anger burned in her veins as she listened to their conversations, they were speaking so trivially about the people they had slaughtered. The Devaronians were such peaceful people, non-violent (for the most part). There was no reason to attack and murder them like they had.

Rey lifted her hand, using the Force to knock them both out, leaving them slumped on the ground.  There was no reason to kill them. That would make her no better than they were. But deep down she wondered what it would be like to finish them off.

She shook _those_ thoughts out of her mind. That wasn’t the right thing to do, but she wasn’t even sure if she knew what _right_ really was anymore. Somewhere, along the way, the lines had blurred into the path she walked.

Aboard the First Order ship she found absolutely _no_ useful intel. Their droids were practically useless and she did, regrettably, have to destroy them (on the off chance that they reported her to the other Stormtroopers nearby). The First Order was smart enough not to store valuable information in the droids and the ships logs were completely unreadable.

Rey sabotaged the ship and the weapons supply on it. She didn’t want to make it _easy_ for them. She might have left them with their lives, but she didn’t want leave them with the means to continue terrorizing the Devaronians.

A sound drew her back outside of the ship. Rey was on edge, she knew that the sound was a diversion to get her back outside and she very well may have been walking into a First Order trap, but staying on the ship posed its own dangers.

Cautiously Rey walked back down the ramp, her hand at her lightsaber, ready to draw it from her belt. She could sense it in the air, the way she’d once been able to sense the rain. Something was _wrong_. She was being watched.

Rey dodged the shot from the blaster, which whizzed by her head and _nearly_ took off an ear. It was a little too close for comfort and a pure stroke of luck that Rey had sensed it coming. She dropped to the ground, grimacing as they mud covered her clothes and forearms.

Her eyes flickered around, searching for a shift in the leave that would reveal where her attacker was. It wasn’t a Stormtrooper. She could sense him.

 _Hux_.

She closed her eyes, trying to figure out exactly where he was. He was harder to pinpoint because she didn’t really know him. She knew _of_ him. She’d encountered him briefly on a mission for the Resistance… but she couldn’t find him.

If she disarmed the General, there was a chance that she could strike at the Stormtroopers and force a retreat.

Another shot resounded from the blaster pistol, jarring Rey from her searched. She kept low as unbelted her lightsaber, gripping the shaft tightly in her hand as she rose upwards, A third shot drew towards her, but she deflected it with her red blade as it burst to life.

“A _red_ saber… I’m impressed.” Hux jeered from the trees. _Somewhere_.

There he was.

Rey deflected another shot, before charging towards him. She sliced blindly into a bush, but he’d already retreated around the tree beside it.

She couldn’t find her center in this fight. It wasn’t like when she fought Kylo Ren – when they were matched weapon-for-weapon and her center was easily found in the deadly dance they’d performed in.

Hux was unpredictable and each blaster shot left room for Rey to make a grievous error. “You’re not going to win.” He remarked as he fired another shot. It grazed her knee, enough to burn but not really damage her skin.

“That’s what you think.” Rey gritted out as she used the Force to shove him backwards, but the motion wasn’t quite hard enough to cause him to drop his blaster.

Rey reached out with the Force, probing into Hux's mind. It was weak, which wasn't surprising. He struck her as a weak man that got off on the power trip of inflicting pain on another living being. His mind was a vile place. The first thoughts she found were memories of horrible, vile deeds he had done that made her stomach flip. She wanted to know what his plans were for Devaron. Did they intend to build another base? No. Did they plan to prove power by destroying it? No. 

 

She pushed deeper into his mind, opening doors that led to darker deeds. Some were even twisted fantasies he had had. All of which proved what a monster he was. Even Ben hadn't been so twisted. His fantasies were pure, while his memories were tainted. 

 

Rey's heart nearly stopped when she opened one of the doors within his mind and found him beating the shit out of Ben - no, he was Kylo Ren then. He was fighting back, though every kick of Hux's foot and every slam of his first knocked the wind out of his sails. There was no way he could gain the upper hand. 

 

"You are a failure!" Hux snarled out, kicking Ben right in the weeping wound at his side. "You're a piece of pathetic shit. I can't believe Snoke gave you the power that he did. I should have been his right hand. Not you." 

 

Ben surged upwards and Rey knew that he was using the pain to fuel himself. She could see it in his eyes. But it wasn't enough. His attack was weak and Hux was easily able to beat him back down to the ground. 

 

Rey could feel it, as though it were her _own_ pain.

 

"Snoke was right. It's the girl. She's the reason you're here right now. Instead of celebrating a victory. You get to rot in this cell. Hope she was worth it." Hux kicked him square in the jaw, the toe of his shoe catching his jaw where her lightsaber had cut him. 

 

Her hand flew to her own jaw, feeling the heat of the pain radiate through her jaw. She could feel what Ben felt – even though it was _just_ a memory and not even his own. It was Hux’s. There was _no_ way she should have been able to feel Ben’s pain. It was overwhelming. It blurred the corners of her vision and her ribs hurt so badly that she couldn’t even draw a full breath without tears burning in her eyes.

 

Rey retreated from the memory, before she saw any more of what she knew had been an awful few months for Ben. She didn't want to see what the Stormtroopers would do as they came into the room. She didn’t want to _feel_ what Ben had felt. She felt like a coward for running, because Ben had endured that pain and so much more and she could barely stand a few minutes of it.

 

It left her weak.

 

Hux laughed almost manically as Rey pulled out of his mind. "Did you enjoy what you saw?" 

 

" _No_. You're a monster!" Rey hissed out, her eyes clenching in a vain attempt to mask the tears she felt already running down her cheeks.

 

"If you wanted to see a monster, perhaps you should have looked into Kylo Ren's memories. You could have had front row access to your friend Poe's torture." Hux drawled out, cocking his head to the side. “And _so_ many more.”

 

"I never had any allusions that he was a saint." Rey tried, in vain, to tamp down her emotions. But she could _still_ feel the pain. It was the closest she had felt to Ben since he had died. “I knew what I was getting myself into.” Her knees failed her.

 

Hux’s face was filled with sickening glee. He thought he had the upper hand. Maybe he did. Maybe _this_ was how she was going to die.

 

He aimed his blaster at her head. He was poised and ready to execute her. But he was relishing in the moment. Was he waiting to see if she’d finally get back into the fight?

_I can’t do this._

_Yes you can._

Rey felt something within her awaken. The voice was distant, but it was _real_. After months of talking to herself, hoping that Ben could hear her – he finally spoke back.

_You can do this Rey. We can do this._

“Get up and fight Rey.” Hux taunted. “Or do you plan to sit there and die like the dirty little scavenger whore that Kylo Ren got a soft spot for.” He sneered.

It wasn’t _her_ anger that drew her to her feet.  Rey slammed her elbow into Hux’s jaw, disarming him with a sweep of her arm and a swift kick to the chest. He fell backwards onto the muddy ground. “Does _no one_ in this damned galaxy have a better way of demeaning someone other than mocking who they’ve fucked?” Rey growled out and the purple half of her lightsaber flickered to life. “Trust me, seeing as I was the present and willing participant, I’m fully aware of who I’ve fucked.”

Hux seemed dumbfounded by her remark. All of his snide words abandoned him and she saw a man stripped of his defenses. “Please don’t kill me.”

“Are you going to beg?” Rey smirked down at him, keeping her foot firmly planted on his chest, turning her lightsaber over so the purple blade was aimed at his throat. It sputtered and sparked and it burned small patches of skin of his jaw.

She wanted to beat the life out of him the way she’d watch him attack Ben. She wanted him to die.

This was a choice. She could kill him. It would be easy, but where would that leave her? On the flipside, she could let him live, which made no sense to her. He was _evil_. In essence, he was no worse than Kylo Ren, but in Ben’s case he had showed remorse and humanity. She had no interest in learning if General Hux had a _soul_. His eyes told her that there was nothing capable of feeling behind them. He could _beg_ all he wanted, but there was no emotion in his body.

“If that’s what you need to spare me.” Hux squirmed beneath her foot and she pressed down harder. “You would be a great asset to the First Order, Rey. You would be given unimaginable power. I know Snoke is aware of you. He knows that your power would rival the potential that Kylo Ren had.”

The offer had the potential to be _tempting._ The darkness had a way of tugging at her emotions, even when she knew better. She could picture herself, in the exact same position Ben had been in. Stuck under Snoke’s thumb, forced to believe it was right to terrorize. She couldn’t become _that_ person. She was better than that.

But she wasn’t better enough to spare Hux.

Rey felt her lips split open with a wicked sort of smile. “Nothing is going to make me spare you, Hux. Maybe I would have if I wasn’t aware of the _murder_ you’ve committed here. These people are _good_. They’re innocent. Killing them makes you evil, killing you makes me a hero.”

“Murder is murder, no matter how you twist it.” Hux laughed, regaining some of his gusto, even with her boot digging into his ribs hard enough to bruise the bone. “You seemed so _righteous_. All those times you aided the Resistance in thwarting our plans. _Rescuing_ the enemy instead of putting him down. Turns out, you may just be a monster too.”

Rey reacted to his words. The action was almost involuntary. She wanted to chalk it up to her grip loosening, but the movement was _intentional._ She swept her lightsaber across his jaw, light enough to sear skin, but not hard enough to kill him. She _was_ going to kill him, just not like this.

“Killing you doesn’t make me a _monster_. I’m doing this to protect people. This is war and sometimes you have to kill to save.” An icy chill slid down her spine. Was this how Ben had felt when he killed Kikado? Rage threatening to blind him right in the heat of the moment?

The chill felt strange – it was white-hot anger that wasn’t fully her own. Like the surge of energy that had forced her back to her feet. It was Ben. She knew it was.

“If you’re going to do it – _do it_!” Hux snarled out, slamming his fist against her ankle in a poor attempt of removing her foot from his chest.

“I swore that I would dismantle the First Order.” Rey whispered, her eyes fixed on Hux’s. She wanted to see the glimmer of life die in his eyes. The thought of watching life fading away, thrilled her in a deep, dark place. “You don’t deserve to live while _he_ is gone.” The anger within her crackling and searing everywhere it touched.

Rey drew back, as though she meant to finish him with her lightsaber. Instead she returned it to her belt. She used the Force to pin his arms at his sides so he couldn’t _try_ to reach for his weapon.

She didn’t feel quite like herself as her hands curled around his throat, pressing hard enough to make his face turn red. She wanted to _feel_ the life leave him. She wanted to feel him die beneath her fingers.

He was fighting it, trying to thrash out of under her hold, but she pressed harder. She might have been small, but she was capable of fighting. She’d made it out of Jakku alive, after all. Her fingers tightened around his throat, choking him until he stopped moving.

She had done it.

She collapsed into the mud beside his body, “What have I done?” Rey whispered, staring down at her hands. There wasn’t any blood but she could see it. It was staining _everything_.

How was Ben ever able to _live_ like this? How was he able to feel _anything_ other than the remorse that came with a crushing weight? She couldn’t shut it off. She couldn’t shut off _Rey_. She was still in there. The person she had been before. This wasn’t a far cry from who she _really_ was.

She had once told Ben that she had done bad things and she knew she’d do them again. This was no different than any of that.

Except there was a dead body beside her.

It was _Hux_. Ben had told her so much about the man’s devious and despicable actions. Hell, she knew from the trial that he had done _awful_ things. He deserved to be dead. He deserved a death worse than what she dealt him. He deserved to be strung up by his fingers and toes and …

She wasn’t going to go down that rabbit hole. If she did she’d never come back.

_Rey. You have to get up._

_Ben?_ Even the voice in her mind sounded like it was crying. _Are you here?_ She didn’t know how he would be _there,_ but she didn’t know how else to ask if he was with her, somehow.

 _No._ _But you need to keep moving. Get back to the Millennium Falcon. You’ll understand_.

Rey’s brows knit together and she slowly pushed herself out of the mud. Her eyes lingered on Hux’s body, her heart pounding rapidly in her chest. She couldn’t fathom that she had done that. In a fit of anger and rage that had bubbled out of nowhere. She had ended someone’s life and the worst part was, she _liked_ that surge of power.

 _Ben?_ Rey questioned, wondering if his voice had just been in her mind, like some sort of coping mechanism, preparing her for what she was going to do to Hux. She was met with silence, which only proved to her that she was _crazy_. With her luck, it wasn’t Ben, it was something _darker_ using him to get to her.

 _Contact my mother. Tell her that the Devaronians need the Resistance to return. But you have to talk to her._ His voice sounded so much further away now.

Rey made her way back to where she had left the Millennium Falcon without incident. They were going to be looking for her, unconscious Stormtroopers and a dead General. If she didn’t act fast, it was going to be disastrous for the Devaronians. She didn’t want to talk to Leia, but Ben had sounded so insistent.

She had been running from the Resistance’s transmissions for over six months. Now she was going to have to contact them.

Rey programed the transmission to reach out to D’Qar, anxiously waiting to see if they’d even answer _her_ , considering how she’d ignored every message they left. But the channel opened and General Organa appeared.

“ _Rey_! Finally. You’ve had us worried sick–”

Rey held up her hand to keep Leia from saying any more. “I’m only calling to tell you that the Resistance _has_ to come back to Devaron. The First Order has destroyed numerous villages and slaughtered the people. They need your help.” She looked away. “There are Stormtroopers here still, but they are _without_ a General now.”

“What did you do Rey?” General Organa questioned, speaking quieter now.

“What I had to.” Rey said, looking back at the screen then. “Leia… Ben told me to get in contact with you.”

“You’ve spoken with him?”

“ _What_?” Rey blinked rapidly. “I’ve tried for six months to communicate with him. But… I don’t know how.”

“Oh, child. I assume that you have _not_ been in actual contact with him then.” She shook her head. “I’m sending you coordinates now. Whatever you had planned, this is _more_ important.”

A little notification popped up on the screen and Rey clicked it to view the coordinates. “Naboo?”

“ _Go_. I’ll send a fleet out to aid Devaron.”

The transmission cut off before Rey could question her further. The hairs on the back of her neck were standing on end and she wasn’t sure if she even remembered how to breathe. What did this mean?

Naboo… Like her vision. The one place she had been adamantly ignoring since she’d started her journey.

 "I'm coming." 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that wasn't the complete mess I feared that it would be!


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters posted today! This chapter is my absolute favorite and from here on out I think there's going to be a lot of chapters I love. I thought this fic would die down and yet it keeps evolving to last longer and longer. I'm excited. 
> 
> Needless to say, there's smut in this. 
> 
> I hope those that swore at me and hated me and stopped reading come back for this!

Rey glanced down at the address she’d written down on a piece of paper. It was the coordinates Leia had given her for once she got to Naboo. She looked towards the house in question, her heart pounding harder as she noticed the view beyond it. It overlooked the water and she could hear the rushing of the falls nearby. It was just like her vision. It almost felt too good to be true.

She wanted to run. She had no idea what she was about to find. But she did. She knew exactly what waited for her inside the grand three-story home. She knew exactly what it looked like inside, the wide open space between the living area and the kitchen. She knew where the stairs wound upwards towards the bedrooms and the way the light shone down through a sunlight in the domed roof.

If she had opened the transmission a day earlier, maybe she wouldn’t have been so tempted to run. How was she supposed to face him? She wasn’t who she was before. She was changed and not for the better.

She was a hypocrite. For all her attempts to teach him to be better, to ignore the pull… she’d given into it. But he’d been right there with her.

She was _afraid_. It gnawed at her stomach and burned in her veins. What if he hated this person she’d become? What if he was different? They had been apart for six months. She had come to terms with thinking she would never see him again. What if he had moved on? How had he survived at all? Why didn’t someone tell her sooner? They could have tried harder… Leia could have told her _before_ she left.

There were so many questions that would never be answered if she didn’t take another step forward. This was her future. They could finally have that happily ever after that she’d accepted they’d never have.

Rey could feel him. It was stronger than it had ever been before. She had grown so much stronger in the Force in his absence, the thread between them felt thicker and more tangible. Her head and her heart felt like one with his.

She _had_ to see him again. There was no way she could turn her back on this. How would she live with herself for _that_? He was alive. Against all odds and he was right here, so close… She was a fool to even humor the idea that she could run away from him.

Slowly she moved towards the house, tucking the address away in her pocket. She pulled her dark robes around her, glancing cautiously around her. There was no one that would see her. No one that she had to fear.

The garden outside of the house was flourishing. It was clear that it had been tended to with a gentle and nurturing hand. The flowers grew bright and strong and the rows of vegetables were plentiful with their offerings.

Rey knocked hesitantly at the front door. She still had a half a second to run, but she stayed put. Her heart fluttered as the door swung open to reveal C-3PO.

“Threepio?” Rey laughed. She had expected Ben or maybe even Leia. She didn’t know what she had expected, but still she threw her arms around the droid, overjoyed to see a familiar face after months of drowning in unknown faces.

“Well aren’t you a sight for sore eyes!” The droid remarked, patting her back rather mechanically.

Rey shook her head with another bright laugh, “You have no idea.” She tilted her head, “May I come in?”

“Of course!” The droid lifted his arms before shuffling out of the way. “Master Ben will be overjoyed to see you. You should know that he would talk my ear off if I had an ear to talk off!”

Rey stepped inside, tucking her hair nervously behind her ears.

“That’s enough Threepio.”

Her heart skipped a beat and Rey turned around slowly. He was real. “You grew a beard.” Rey said softly, biting down on her bottom lip. She was hesitant at first, but her steps grew quicker as she moved towards him, throwing her arms around him and hugging him like she had no intention of ever letting him go again.

“I believe that is my cue to leave.” Threepio announced, before he shuffled away towards the staircase that led downstairs.

Ben lifted one hand to cradle the back of her head gently, just as the tears started to fall. She felt like a complete idiot for sobbing, but it was easier than words. She hadn’t expected to ever see him again. He was dead to her for six months. She had convinced herself that she could live without him, but now she knew she’d been living a lie. The reunion was tainted with what she had done. She wondered if he could feel it in the way she held him. In the way her sobs were not just of joy but of sorrow too.

But he held her tightly, nonetheless, he held her like he loved her with everything in him. Without words he told her he accepted her, broken as she was, just as she had been able to accept him. They still had so much to overcome with their own demons and each other’s. But it was going to be _okay_ because they had each other again.

“How?” Rey questioned, pulling back to wipe at her tear stained cheeks. She wasn’t able to stop the way her chest heaved with each sob. She lifted her hands to touch his face. She still couldn’t believe he was real. She never thought she’d look into his eyes again.

“I thought I was going to die.” Ben turned his head to kiss her palm. “They strapped me into a chair and they injected me with, what I thought was poison. Apparently my mother swapped out the lethal injection for some sort concoction that slowed my breathing and heart rate down to a stop. I _was_ dead for a short period of time. While I was unconscious they froze me in carbonite, which is a hilarious story for another time.” He sighed heavily. “The Damerons brought me here a few months ago. I guess they took my frozen body around to avoid suspicions.” He took her hands into his and held them tightly. “I was with you all this time Rey. You were never alone.”

“When I was on Jakku… I woke up feeling like I was frozen to the core. Was that when…?” She squeezed his hands. “I thought I was crazy. I kept _feeling_ you. I couldn’t understand how you were dead and yet I could feel you.” She let go of one of his hands to wipe at her face. “Why didn’t your mother tell me?”

“She tried.”

“ _No_. When I woke up. Why didn’t she tell me before I left?” Rey questioned, narrowing her eyes. “Why did she let me suffer, thinking you were _dead_?” She could feel the anger running hot in her veins, but Ben leaned in and kissed her forehead and it subsided.

“There was no way for her to tell you. The Resistance _cannot_ know that I’m alive.” He brushed his knuckles over her cheek. “They will finish what they failed at doing.”

“They’ll have to get through me first.” Rey said lowly, the implication in her words was laced with ill intent. There was _no_ way she was letting anyone take him away from her again.

Ben chuckled, nodding his head slowly. “I have no doubt that you’d fight them all.” He cupped her cheek, looking down at her. “You can talk to me about it Rey. I know how you feel. I’ve _felt_ what you feel.”

Rey lifted her hand and covered his hand with her own. “Were you with me? When I did _it_?”

“I was. I didn’t want you to commit it alone. It was part you and part me.” He rested his other hand at her waist. “He deserved it Rey. But it doesn’t change that it happened. You don’t have to put on a brave face for me.”

“I let you down. I let myself down.” Rey closed her eyes, turning away from him. “It wasn’t _just_ Hux. I mean, he’s the only one I killed, but… I used the Force to manipulate so many people along the way.”

Ben stepped around behind her, resting his hands on her shoulders, squeezing them reassuringly. “I can’t say that you’ll get over all of this someday, because I still see the faces of those I hurt. They don’t go away. But you can learn to put it behind you, to keep it from spoiling your present… your future.”

Rey leaned back against him, tilting her head so she could kiss the underside of his jaw. “I feel like a hypocrite. But I guess it was easier to give advice when I had no idea how hard it is to _resist_.”

Ben lowered his head and pressed a kiss to the crook of her neck. “You’re not a hypocrite, Rey.” His hands slid down her shoulders, resting at her waist. “You resisted more than I was ever able to.” He sighed. “I just wish you hadn’t been so stubborn. You could have been here with me a long time ago.”

“Was that _you_?” Rey questioned, turning around to face him. “The unknown message I deleted?”

Ben laughed. “Yes. That was me. I didn’t try again, because clearly you didn’t want to receive them. I let mother continue trying to contact you.” He leaned down, as though he intended to kiss her, but he hesitated. “Do you still feel the same way?”

Rey’s eyes knit together. “Of course I do. Even when I thought you were dead, I loved you.” She shook her head. “Weren’t you there with me when I refused offers I got?”

Ben made a face. “I occupied myself with other tasks when you went out. I didn’t want to _know_.”

Rey rose up on her toes, curling a hand around the back of his neck to drag him down for a greedy kiss. She had longed to kiss him for six months and now she _could_. It was so much better than her dreams or memories. He was right there. Everything she’d craved and more. “I wanted _you_ Ben. No one else could be you.” She whispered against his lips. “And you haven’t fallen for some beautiful Nabooian that doesn’t delete your messages?” She teased, but her words had weight to them.

“There is _no one_ I want the way that I want you.” Ben promised, kissing her again. “You’re all I ever want.” He pulled her closer to him, wrapping his arm around her firmly. “Do you want this Rey?”

“Yes.” Rey nodded her head slowly. “I’ve been wandering for too long, I want to settle down. Here. With you.”

He lifted his hand to cup her cheek. “You almost didn’t come.”

Rey’s cheeks burned hot. “I know. I… I was afraid, Ben. I didn’t know what to expect.” She smoothed her hands over his chest. “I’ve changed. There’s a weight on my soul that wasn’t there before. I can’t be that light I was before. I can’t guide you when I can’t even guide myself.”

“We’ll figure this out.” Ben brushed his thumb over her bottom lip. “I love you Rey… without expectations. I know we weren’t on the best of terms that last week, but you never stopped loving me after what happened with Kikado… I won’t stop loving you because of Hux or any of the people you used mindtricks on.”

“I wish I could have been stronger.”

“You were plenty strong. But strength isn’t the only thing that saves you from the dark side. Trust me. I know.” He leaned down and kissed her again, his lips brushing over hers, before she surged up to deepen the kiss.

Rey kept expecting to wake up. This had to be a dream. Yet it wasn’t. Against all the odds he had lived and he still wanted her, despite everything she’d done in his absence. Of course he did. Why hadn’t she believed that he’d still want her? He had done _much_ worse things than she had and he was still able to love her like no one ever could and she had been able to return it all the same.

“I think we should go upstairs.” Rey whispered against his lips. “Just in case Threepio decides to come back up here. I don’t want him interrupting.” She raked her fingers through his hair. “I like the beard.”

“He has a way with interrupting.” Ben laughed. “Is it wrong to say I’d probably keep going?”

Rey shoved at his chest playfully. “I would be so embarrassed. I would _die_.” She leaned up to kiss him again, despite her words. “And you know he’d bring it up in front of the wrong person.” Her lashes fluttered closed as he dragged his lips along her jawline and down her throat.

They weren’t moving just yet.

Ben pressed her back against the wall, sucking lightly at her pulse point, his tongue flicking out over the spot. Desire shot through her, making her belly burn hot with need. His beard was prickly against her skin, but somehow it only heightened the effect.

“I’ve missed you.” He whispered hotly near her ear.

Rey turned her head to catch his lips, before she slipped out from beneath him. She walked backwards towards the stairs. “Are you coming?”

“I will be soon.” He retorted with a wicked grin that made her feel a little weak in the knees. “And so will you.”

Rey grinned at him. “Yeah?”

Ben nodded slowly before following her up the stairs. “The bedroom has felt so empty without you, Rey.” He told her, reaching for her hand at the top of the stairs, lacing their fingers together. “Just a little over six months. Not that I was keeping count…”

“I was.” Rey’s cheeks burned hotter. “Two hundred and two days.” She shook her head. “I can’t believe you’re real.”

“I can show you how real I am.” Ben said, pulling her to him. “But let’s get to the bedroom first.”

Their bedroom was exactly what it had been in their fantasy and her vision. She couldn’t help but leap onto the bed and bask in the comfort of a good mattress and his scent in the sheets. “I think I’m the one who has died and gone to heaven.” She laughed, pressing her face into one of the pillows and inhaling deeply.

“Are you smelling my pillow?”

“Shut up!” Rey laughed. “You have no idea how much I missed your scent.” She curled her arms around the pillow and looked at him. Her heart fluttered at the way he was looking at her. There was so much love in his eyes.

“Well I’m right here.” He said with a chuckle, moving to sit down on the bed beside her. “You don’t have to sniff my pillow if you want to smell me.”

Rey sat up and scooted to the edge beside him. She kicked off her shoes, tilting her head to look at him. “I’m making a decision right now. We’re not going to talk about _any_ of the other stuff today. Today is about us, this, being together again. I want to put all of that other crap aside for today.”

“I’m more than happy to oblige.” Ben said with a crooked little grin. He leaned in and kissed her, guiding them back into the middle of the bed. His body draped over hers as he all but devoured her mouth. She wiggled her legs out from beneath his weight, spreading them wide for him to settle in between them.

Rey dragged her fingers through his hair, scrapping her nails over his scalp which made him buck against her. She moaned against his lips, the feel of his erection pressing against her through her leggings, more intense than anything her hands had been able to achieve.

Ben took his time. He broke away from her lips and kissed down her throat. His fingers worked at the fastening of her tunic, letting the fabric fall away from her skin. His mouth trailed lower, covering her newly bared breast, his tongue swirling around her nipple, drawing it to a peak. His eyes were on her face.

“You have no idea how good that feels” Rey told him as her own fingers worked at removing his clothes.

“I’ve been reading.” Ben told her, pulling back with a grin.

“I can tell.” Rey tugging playfully at his hair. “You’re very good at it.”

Ben covered her other breast, giving it the same treatment he’d given the other. She rocked against him, seeking the friction that his cock could give her. This was better than anything she’d been able to make herself feel. It had only dulled an ache that he could satisfy.

Rey reached down between them, fumbling with the front of his pants, trying to get them undone. She wanted him naked, she wanted _both_ of them naked. He pulled away from her breast, tugging at the waistband of her leggings.

She lifted her legs to help him remove the fabric. She shoved his pants down his hips, letting his cock spring free. Ben grabbed at her hands, drawing them up above her head. One of his hands was able to keep both of her wrists trapped.

“That’s not fair!” Rey complained, leaning up to kiss him, dragging her teeth over his bottom lip. “I wanted to touch you.”

“ _Later_.” He assured her, his mouth slanting over hers to keep her from protesting further. He settled in between her legs, his freehand grasping at her hip, drawing her legs around his hips. She felt small beneath him and she loved it. She felt safe beneath his weight, trapped by his hands at her wrists and his cock that rubbed against her slick folds.

She keened out _embarrassingly_ loud. She rocked her hips, letting her sensitive flesh drag over his cock. “I need you in me.” She breathed out raggedly, straining her neck as she leaned up to kiss him again. “ _Ben_.”

He drew his finger over her hip bone, dipping them down between them where he was pressed against her sex. His fingers teased over her clit, making her cry out unabashedly. It was quite clear that he loved the sounds he could pull from her. His cock slid in slowly, taking his time as he sank into her. It had been awhile, but her body still greedily took him in.

“ _Rey_.” He hissed out against her lips as he drew back and repeated the action, building a pace that exactly right for them. He was taking his time, basking in their reunion. It was romantic in their own way. They didn’t need candles or a bed of flowers to be romantic, Rey had learned that some time ago. Romance for them was something only they seemed to understand. They were never going to be a sickeningly cute couple, but they were a couple that needed each other, in _every_ way.

“I love you.” She whispered, wrenching her arms from his hold so she could delve her fingers into his hair as she kissed him.

Ben’s groan was lost against her mouth, his tongue tangling with hers as he started to pick up the pace of his movements. He lifted her hips up off the bed, angling himself into her in just the right angle. Her nails bit into his skin as she clung to him, her inner muscles clenching around him each time he hit that sweet spot within her.

Rey couldn’t hold back any longer, she was fighting it, trying to keep from coming shattering undone. But it was too much. He was too much. She cried out, her back bowing up off the bed as she rocked herself into his thrusts, her body clenching down around him, sending shockwaves through her body. She was certain she’d wake up, that all of this had been some intensely realistic dream.

But it was real.

She could feel him and she knew he could feel her too. It was intense and heady and completely overwhelming. He went rigid above her, slamming into her one final time as his release spilled into her. The moment after was one that Rey had longed for throughout the months without him. The sensation of being truly _one_ with him.

They were both spent for the moment. Rey welcomed his weight as he collapsed atop her, pressing his scruffy face into the crook of her neck, which tickled quite a lot. She played her fingers through his hair and hummed contentedly.

“So what did you do while I was gone? Read up on sex techniques.” Rey mused with a soft laugh. She was exhausted, physically and emotionally. She felt like she’d been running a marathon for the past six months and she was finally able to relax.

“ _Maybe_.” He mumbled against her skin, before turning his head so he could talk without it being muffled. “I knew that eventually you’d come and I wanted to be _better_ when you got here.”

“You were fantastic before, now you’re just doubly fantastic.” Rey assured him. She brushed her fingers over his collarbone, where a faint scar still lingered from where her lightsaber had burned him. “I wish I could always feel the way you make feel.” She said quietly. “You’re able to calm the anger that burns in my veins. It scares me Ben. If I lose you again… I’m afraid of what I might do.”

“You’re not going to lose me again.” Ben assured her. “This is our new life. _Here_. We’re free of the war.”

Rey smiled sadly. “The war will always find us.” She brushed her fingers over his bottom lip. “It’s a nice idea though. I tried to avoid it. But then I feel right back into it.” She sank back into the mattress shaking her head. “I vaguely remember something about no depressing conversations.”

Ben chuckled, rolling them onto their sides so they were facing each other. “I recall you saying something about that too.” He brushed her messy hair behind her ear. “Have I mentioned that I missed you?”

Rey bit her lip and nodded her head. “You did. A couple times. But it never hurts to hear it again.” She brushed her thumb over the scar on his cheek. It was a reminder of how far they’d come. “Didn’t you have Threepio for company?” She teased.

He rolled his eyes. “That droid is going to be the death of me, I swear.” He turned his head to kiss her palm. “I know what you’re thinking right now.” His expression was rather somber.

“And what’s that?”

“What you saw.”

Rey frowned. “I thought we weren’t going to get into all of that today.” She held his gaze. “But I am. I know you despise pity as much as I do, but I _am_ sorry for what was done to you. I felt your pain Ben. I didn’t know that could happen with memories. Especially when you were just a part of his memory, it wasn’t _your_ memory.”

“It was because of how I was reaching out to you. They were his memories, yes, but because I was there with you, I relived it. Like I’ve relived it all a hundred times over.” He closed his eyes and sighed heavily. “I didn’t expect you to feel it. I thought I was going to lose you.” He whispered.

Rey moved closer to him wrapping her arms around him tightly. “I almost gave up. I thought you were gone and if I was gone too then I’d be with you again. I felt defeated.”

“It’s almost a good thing that you did, because otherwise you weren’t letting me reach out to you.” He curled his arms around in return. “You’re so damn stubborn.” Ben chuckled, kissing the top of her head.

Rey snorted. “But I wouldn’t be as appealing if I weren’t stubborn.” She retorted, lightly scraping her teeth over his collarbone.

Ben gave a sound of surprise when she scraped her teeth over his skin. “What are you doing?”

“Instigating.” Rey said lowly, pulling back to look at him. “Problem?”

“Oh… _No_.” He drew his tongue out along his bottom lip. “We have six months to make up for.”

“Right now, we’re going to make up for lost time, tomorrow we’ll figure out how to cope with _everything_.” Because they had both changed in their time apart and they were going to have to work it out. But what mattered right now, was that she finally felt _whole_ again. Ben was her other half and nothing was going to take him away from her again.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're going to be getting a couple of chapters here of fluff, angst, and smut. This one has some of all of that. The smut near the end completely blindsided me, it was WAY hotter than I intended it and I hope others feel the same way! Probably by chapter 30 or so the new plot thread will start making its appearance.

"Master Ben!" Threepio said excitedly, "I was getting quite worried about you and Miss Rey. All evening I heard the _strangest_ noises coming from upstairs. Were the two of you sparring?"  
  
Rey bit her lip to keep from laughing, her eyes flickering between Ben and the droid. He was _so_ innocent, he was a droid after all.   
  
"Something like that." Ben laughed, patting the droid on the back as he moved around the kitchen. "You know, I've gotten quite good at this cooking thing. Are you hungry?"  
  
"Starving. At least one of us can cook," Rey laughed, pulling her gown around her tighter. “I only know how to add water to food portions.” She fiddled with the tie of her gown, "Did you grow the garden?"  
  
"Yes." Ben said proudly, "I wanted to give back somehow. To create life instead of destroying it." He tilted his head to the side, studying her for a long moment, before turning around to grab the pot of coffee off of the burner, filling her up a cup and passing it to her.   
  
"It was beautiful." Rey smiled sadly, but hid it with her coffee cup. "Were you reading manuals on that as well?"  
  
"He has been reading _quite_ profusely." Threepio interrupted. "When he was much younger you couldn't have paid him to read. Oh how times have changed. He has grown into a fine young man. You are _quite_ lucky to be friends with him Miss Rey."  
  
Rey covered her mouth to keep from laughing. She chose to ignore Threepio’s comment about them being _friends_ , her eyes flickering back to Ben. "I guess you didn't have much else to do."  
  
"I read and visited with you." Ben said, tapping his temple. "I was a bit jealous of you. You went _everywhere_."  
  
Rey brushed her hair back behind her ears. "I was trying to forget you. Which was impossible. But it gave me a reason to see the worlds I never even knew existed." She took another sip of her coffee with a heavy sigh. "I'm glad I wasn't crazy though. I could feel you and I swore I saw you in the corners of my eyes."  
  
Ben smiled at her as he started pulling ingredients together. "That's because of how I was reaching out to you. I know it was frustrating, but it was the only reason I could reach you. I didn't want you to feel alone."   
  
"I never really did," She admitted, "Though I am a little embarrassed that you were there, overhearing everything I said and did." Her cheeks burned hot. She was fairly certain she’d seemed like a crazy person… which was acceptable, seeing as she _was_ going crazy without him.  
  
"I tried not to be around for any of that." Ben assured her. "Partially because I was afraid it wouldn't be me you were thinking about."   
  
Rey laughed softly, her lashes fluttering. "It was always you." She looked to Threepio who was standing there looking between the two of them, she knew the droid was curious about what they were saying. "Threepio, do you mind going elsewhere?" She didn’t mind the droid being around, but she _really_ didn’t want to have him parroting their conversations to anyone.   
  
"Of course not Miss Rey." The droid chimed before leaving them along in the kitchen.   
  
Ben moved to take a drink of his own coffee, studying Rey over the rim of his cup. "I tried not pry too much into your life. I knew you were trying to heal and feeling me constantly wasn't really helping. But I didn't want to leave you alone."  
  
"I'm glad you didn't," Rey sighed, rubbing her temples. "I just don't know where I am after these last six months. I lost myself somewhere out there among the stars."  
  
"I can help you find yourself again, but only if you want to." Ben frowned. "Murder changes a person. I know. I may go by Ben again, I may be able to function like I once did, but I'll never be able to regain who I was _before_." He looked down at his hands, sighing heavily. "I hope that who you are now, still wants to be with who I am."  
  
Rey slid off the stool, coming around to his side of the island. "Of course I want to be with you still. Ben, I never want to leave your side again. The problem isn't with my feelings for you, it's with my feelings for myself." She wound her arms around him from behind, pressing her cheek against his back. "I don't feel like I deserve this life. I feel like I'm standing in someone else's shoes. The Rey who was with you six months ago, isn't the Rey that's here today."  
  
"I know. I know what this feels like. But it stopped before it got to be too much. You can still save yourself." Ben's hands rested over her hands. "I fell more in love with you every day I was with you. You were and you _are_ so strong Rey. Don't let the doubt destroy this."  
  
"How am I supposed to love you with everything I have, when I hate who I am?"  
  
"Because you don't have to love me with everything, Rey, just love me with whatever you want to." Ben turned around to look down at her, cupping her cheeks. "I don't want you to feel pressured to be here."  
  
"I want to be here." Rey said without a second thought. "I just feel like I singlehandedly destroyed our future." She felt tears sting at her eyes, she was quiet for a long moment before she added. "I keep seeing his face."  
  
"Shhh." Ben whispered, rubbing at the small of her back. "I wish I could tell you that one day you'll wake up and never see it again... But I see _all_ of their faces Rey."  
  
"How do you live like that?"  
  
Ben shrugged. "I used to relish it, or I thought I did. I was trained to enjoy reliving those moments. Power at its purest, to be the one to choose whether someone lives or dies." He closed his eyes. "You make it easier. I see your face when I close my eyes at night, instead of my father's."  
  
Rey lifted her hands to cup his cheeks, her thumbs brushing over the scruffy beard around his lips. "Does it get easier? After the first one?"  
  
Ben's eyes snapped open. "That's not a question I'm going to answer." He said seriously. "And you're _not_ going to find out."  
  
Rey pressed her lips together tightly and nodded. Why had she asked that? Why did she want to know? The question had escaped without her permission. "There's still so much anger in my heart." It was the darkness, tugging at her senses. She hadn’t shut it out. She didn’t know if she ever could now that the door had been opened.   
  
"There's hate in my heart too. You learn to let the love overshadow it." Ben assured her, turning his head to kiss her fingers. "You have to choose to remain in the light. Or somewhere in between."  
  
Rey smiled sadly at him, "How long does it take? You were with me only a few days before you decided you didn't want to be known as Kylo Ren. You turned away so quickly, with the right amount of compassion."  
  
Ben stroked her cheek gently, "But I was broken. Mind, body, soul. It was easier for you to block out the voice in my head." He pressed a kiss to her forehead. "It's going to be different for you. I understand."   
  
"Snoke hasn't reached out to me. Only my father did." Rey laughed a little incredulously. "Ben, he reminded me so much of you! He wore a mask so similar to yours." She tried to draw the conversation away from her battle with the dark side. "He was a Sith and she was a Jedi."   
  
Ben smiled down at her, his hands encircling her waist. "Revan, right?"  
  
"Did you see it too then?" Rey questioned, her brows knitting together.   
  
"Not really. I wasn't able to see your vision and I was barely able to see you in the cave." He sighed, his thumbs brushing over her hip bones through the thin gown she wore.   
  
"I saw this home. With you. I was pregnant." She smiled up at him. "I saw my mother pregnant with me and I saw yours pregnant with you. It made no sense to me. I was _so_ angry. Seeing a future I didn't think I could have." She shuddered. "But now I'm here with you. It’s almost too good to be true."   
  
“But it is true.” Ben smiled warmly, leaning down to kiss her lips, letting the kiss linger. "I understand that my mother mistakenly thought you were pregnant back on D'Qar."  
  
Rey pulled back and rolled her eyes. "I was so embarrassed." She stepped past him and grabbed her coffee cup, taking a sip of it. "Has she come to see you?"   
  
"A couple times a month. Poe and his parents come as well." Ben frowned and she could feel him probing at the edges of her mind, trying to figure it what made her retreat.  
  
"You don't have to look for it, I'm more than happy to tell you." Rey retorted. "She hadn't even told me you were dead yet and there she was worrying that I was _pregnant_. I would have been devastated if I had been and you were gone. I would have been trapped there." She clenched her fist. "I don't know why they didn't ask me before just assuming."   
  
"I didn't even realize that my mother had misunderstood me describing your fatigue and upset stomach during your sickness." Ben explained as he resumed working on breakfast. "She also told me that you informed Finn and Poe that you were my first, or rather that you _popped my cherry_." He gave her a look and she had to fight the urge to laugh.   
  
“I was still heavily medicated!” Rey threw her hands up in the air, "They were acting like you'd deflowered some innocent blossom, I _had_ to correct them. I deflowered _you_ , not the other way around." She laughed then at the horrified look on his face. She couldn't believe that they'd brought that up, but at the same time that sounded like a very _Poe_ thing to do.   
  
"That opened quite the can of worms, _thank you_." Ben's cheeks were bright red. "Lin decided he wanted to have 'the talk' with me." He shuddered as he flipped the omelet he was making over in the skillet. “I was humiliated.”   
  
Rey's eyebrows shot up. "You haven't had the talk before?"  
  
"No." He made a disgusted face, sticking out his tongue. "He described things in the most horrid details. I know more than I ever wanted to know about the female body and for that matter, the _male_.”  
  
"Your father _never_ told you about sex?" She found that hard to believe, just having heard some of the conversations Leia had had with her about him in the past.  
  
"I was training to be a Jedi and then I was part of the Knights of Ren. Celibacy was key in both of those." He grabbed a plate and slid the omelet onto it before passing it to her. "I'm sure that would have been _more_ horrifying. Everyone has been very concerned about what happens behind closed doors."   
  
Rey couldn't help but laugh. "They should mind their own fucking business. Was it Poe haranguing you? I'll kick his ass next time he's here." Rey dug into the omelet in an almost obscene fashion. She hadn't realized how starving she was until the food was in front of her. "Worked up quite the appetite, speaking of sex."  
  
Ben remained silent as he finished making his own, moving around the island to sit on the stool beside her. "Do you think I last long enough?"  
  
Rey nearly choked on the bite in her mouth. "Uh... _Yes_?" She gave him a sideways look. "Where did that come from?"   
  
"Well, you had mentioned that I was a little fast on the draw back on the base. I might have said something to Lin when we were talking." He scratched nervously at the back of his neck.   
  
Rey wiped off her mouth with the back of her hand, her eyes studying his expression. He looked so unsure of himself and she could feel the doubt pouring off of him. "Ben, you're incredible. Last night was pretty fucking amazing. You have an unbelievable amount of stamina, which is probably because it feeds off of mine. Of all the things to worry about, sex is not one of them." She assured him.   
  
Ben smiled at her. "I just don't want to let you down."  
  
"You definitely don't." Rey reached over and squeezed his leg. "Do I even want to know what sort of advice they gave you? Or how and why the topic was even broached."  
  
"You can blame your friend Poe for making sure everyone knew I was a virgin." He gave her a look. "Then they all made me doubt that I was able to satisfy you. Trust me, this already feels like I'm living in someone else's life. I had all these aspirations of being a feared leader of the dark side and now I'm worrying about whether or not I'm good enough for my girlfriend... Or whatever we're calling this." His eyes met hers uncertainly.  
  
"Well, I don't think they have a word for two people bound through the Force, enemies turned lovers, and living together... So girlfriend works." Rey said, poking at her food with her fork. "I guess we both have our doubts about this, which is to be expected." Her shoulders sagged. "Don't let them discourage you. They might think they understand us, but we understand ourselves better than they ever could."   
  
Kylo nodded in agreement. "And I sure as hell have no plans to follow any of Poe's advice." He widened his eyes. "I was horrified."  
  
Rey laughed brightly. "I can _only_ imagine." She finished off the last of her omelet. "Are you allowed to leave the house? I would love to go down by the falls."   
  
Ben nodded his head. "Just be aware that I'm living here under an assumed name."  
  
"And what's that?"  
  
"Reyus Lux." He stroked his beard thoughtfully.   
  
"I guess I can't be Rey Solo then." She said with soft laugh. "I liked having your last name."   
  
_You could have it for real someday._ His words echoed in her mind. It was easier to say them there than out loud.   
  
_I know._ But that was moving too fast for her right then. She wanted it, but she needed to work on herself first. "If anyone asks I'm Bastila."   
  
"What's your last name going to be?"  
  
"Do you mind if I'm Lux too?" She questioned almost under her breath. Her stomach was twisted into knots. "I understand if that doesn't work. I have no idea what these people know about you."   
  
"They know I've been waiting for someone special to return to me." Ben told her, "Reyus and Bastila Lux."  
  
Rey squeezed his leg. "Your cousin right?" She teased him. "So where have I been?"   
  
"You're an aid to the Resistance, which is why General Organa and the Damerons visit."  
  
"So we get to live the rest of our lives in a lie?" Rey questioned, a slight bite to her words. "Can my story change? Can I have quit the Resistance? Not even in a lie could I handle being associated with them." She wrapped her robe around herself tighter. "I realize you're alive, but they still sentenced you to death! They're no better than the First Order."  
  
"I _know_. Trust me, I understand your anger. I fear some of what you've felt was the reverberations of my own anger. I have had long conversations with my mother and the Damerons about what our future can be. It's limited. We have to keep a low profile. We can't travel without jumping through a ridiculous amount of hoops. You don't have to be damned to this fate with me."

  
"I've seen all the planets I care to see, Ben. I'm content with living here." For now. She knew she would get restless one day, but that was in the future. "At least Naboo is better than Jakku." Rey teased as she slid off the stool. "I'm going to go figure out what I have to wear to down to the water."  
  
"I'll be up in a few minutes," Ben told her, moving to kiss her cheek. "I'm going to clean up and send a message to my mother and let her know you arrived safely. I'm sure she'll want to come and see you." 

Rey groaned, “What if I don’t want to see her?” She questioned over her shoulder as she headed up the stairs to their bedroom. It was still surreal to be walking in a place they’d imagined together months ago. It was a house she could see herself living in for years to come, with him beside her.

“It must be done.” He called after her.

Rey had _never_ swam before, but she wanted to. As soon as she’d seen the cool waters beyond their house, she knew she wanted to dip her feet and then _everything_ into the pristine water. She had _nothing_ that would work for swimming garments, but she didn’t think Ben would miss a pair of his boxers and a tank that looked similar to what he would wear to bed.

She covered it with one of her loose fitting black and crimson tunics, cinching it around the waist with a belt. She tied her hair up in a messy braided bun, something that wouldn’t take much effort to pull down, should the event arise. Ben liked when her hair came down and he had something to tangle his fingers in, and she felt absolutely no shame in doing something for his benefit.

Her reflection still felt foreign. The eyes that stared back at her were dead, they were the eyes of a person that had died six months ago. Even with Ben’s reappearance, she wasn’t sure if she could resurrect herself. If only she’d just _known_ earlier. It was her own fault for running. What good did running ever do?

Though, if she’d never run back on Takodana, she would have never encountered Kylo Ren in the words and they may have never found themselves bound to each other the way they were still now. Running had a time and a place.

She’d be lying if she said she didn’t miss Leia, Finn and Poe, and Isa and Lin. They’d all become a family that she never expected to have and she’d run away from them. Maybe reuniting with them would revive her former self. _Maybe_.

“Well don’t you look _beautiful_.” Ben said from the doorway, leaning against the doorframe.

“How long have you been watching me?”

“Long enough.” He strolled into their room, coming up behind her and wrapping his arms around her, staring at her reflection in the mirror. “You’re only torturing yourself, Rey. I know what you’re doing. There were no mirrors in my chambers with the First Order, for good reason. It made it worse.”

“It’s not that…” She lied, looking away from the mirror, clenching her eyes closed. Rey leaned back against him, reaching one hand up to curl around the back of his neck. “I like it better when you’re with my reflection.”

“That’s because you don’t see what I see in myself, just like I don’t see _your_ pain.” Ben whispered, dipping his head to kiss the curve of her neck. She could feel the way he pressed a little closer to her in response to the flutter of desire that coursed through her. The dark side was far more passionate than the light. The light seemed pure and innocent and the dark was rich with desire and _lust_. He could help her sate those desires, because he knew the feel of that temptation.

Rey turned her head enough to brush her lips along his jawline. “ _Ben_.” She whispered, his name laced with heated desire. The dark look in his eyes told her that he felt every last pulse from the rush of heat in her veins.

Ben turned her around to face him, tilting her chin upwards with his index finger, before he covered her mouth with a kiss so intense she swore that she saw cosmoses and nebulas previously unknown. She curled her fingers in the front of the robe he wore, pulling him closer.

Her heart was pounding in her chest as she heard the scrape of the bed against the floor behind them. Ben was dragging it closer to them, so it rested no more than a foot from the mirror. Somehow he’d seen into her mind without her even feeling the invasion. Or she’d sent it into his mind. She didn’t know. In the heat of the moment everything and nothing made sense. But he knew what she wanted and he wanted it _too_.

Rey dragged her teeth over his bottom lip, digging in hard enough to draw blood. Her tongue darted out over the torn skin, tasting the coppery tones of his blood as he parted his lips and deepened the kiss even more.

Ben lifted the soft fabric of her tunic up, tucking the useless fabric into the belt to keep it out of his way as he dragged the boxers she’d donned down her hips. He shoved his hand between her thighs, his fingers delving between her slick folds, thrusting two digits into her, making her rise up on her toes and cling to his shoulders.

She pressed her forehead against his chest as he assaulted her senses. She could feel him in her mind, the tendrils of his desire fanning out to calm her worries and her doubts. His fingers coaxed her towards release, his thumb rubbing a tight circle over her clit, leaving her practically sobbing against his chest in want of that moment of pure pleasure.

But he robbed her of it. His fingers retreated right as she would have crashed over the edge. She wanted to tear him apart and piece him back together and make him feel the way she felt. But he already did. He knew what it felt like to be like this.

His large hands encircled her hips, turning her around in front of him as he sank down onto the foot of the bed. She preferred this Rey staring back at her in the mirror. She was wide-eyed, her chest heaving, and her skin was flush with arousal.

He released his hold on her hips to push his robe open and free his cock from his boxers. Rey groaned inwardly as she watched his fingers drag over himself. “I see I’m not the only one affected.”

They had spent all night tangled up in each other and yet she still wanted more.

Ben pulled her down onto his lap, the roughness of his touch making her tremble in anticipation. She pressed her hands down on his knees as she watched them move in the mirror. He curled his arm around her waist to lift her up, guiding her down onto his cock.

Her lips parted and a cry – _far_ too loud to go unnoticed by the droid downstairs – escaped her. He curled his hands around the bottoms of her thighs, drawing her legs apart wider to give them a better view of where they were joined in the mirror.

Rey had never felt so _alive_ in all her life.

Ben bit down on her shoulder, leaving a mark there that she knew wouldn’t fade away for several days. She didn’t care. She wanted his marks. She wanted _everyone_ to know that they were together. She didn’t care what _anyone_ thought. He released one of her thighs to palm her breast through her tunic.

Rey dropped her hand down between her thighs, her fingers circling over her clit as she watched the place where they were joined. He was guiding her up and down, his own hips rising up to drive himself into her. She was losing her mind and she _loved_ it because she could see herself from his eyes in the heat of the moment.

She didn’t hate the person she saw in the mirror. Her eyes closed for only a brief moment, but he grabbed at her jaw, his lips close to her ear as he growled out an order to open her eyes. To _watch_ them as they moved together.

Later, when her heart stopped feeling like it was going to explode and her body was finally spent, she was going to commend him for _this_. It topped anything else they’d done. It was erotic in a way that she had thought was reserved only for trashy holonovel.

Ben’s hand replaced hers, his fingers dragging over her swollen flesh where he was pounding into her, before giving her clit _all_ of his attention. She fought the urge to throw her head back and cry out his name. She followed his orders and stared at his reflection, her eyes were bright and shiny with desire as the heat fanned through her and she came shattering undone.

Rey’s muscles clenched tightly around him, harder and more intense than _any_ release she’d ever had with him. He followed right behind her, careening over the edge in that moment of pure, unadulterated pleasure that she felt radiate through her. She rocked down against him, lost in an almost trance like state, wanting to milk every second of pleasure out of the moment. She slumped back against his chest, breathing so heavily she might as well call it _panting_.

Ben’s fingers delved between her overly sensitive folds as he cock slipped free of her. He was trying to make the moment last longer for her, to give her _everything_ it had to offer.

Her legs trembled and she fumbled to drag his hand away from her. It was _too_ much. She was still reeling and she couldn’t take any more. “That was…” She trailed off as she slowly dropped her legs to the ground between his legs, a little unsteady as she stood up. “ _Definitely_ happening again.” Rey turned around to face him, leaning down to kiss him. “You were amazing.”

“That was intense.” Ben laughed against her lips. “The desire just took hold… I think you might be right about our needs being tied to one another. At least in _that_ department.” He tucked himself back into his boxers, before fixing her tunic where it was tucked into her belt. “Ready to go cool off by the water?”

“I am.” Rey didn’t bother putting her own boxers back on. She laid on the bed and watched as Ben dressed in something more appropriate for going outside of the house in. She felt _better_ , but maybe for the wrong reason. She felt like she’d pulled him back into the darkness, she had felt him reaching out for every dark and twisted desire she held. But she felt _lighter_. For once in the past six months she felt a sort of light filling the dark spots within her.

She turned her head to watch him as he washed his face at the water basin in their room. She knew exactly why the darkness seemed to lessen, though still it lingered in the darkened corners of her mind. “Thank you, Ben.” She whispered, as she moved to stand up.

“I would do anything for you.” He told her quite seriously.

“I know.” Rey nodded slowly, reaching for his hand. “But right now, I want to enjoy this feeling while it lasts.” She curled her fingers possessively around his, holding his gaze for a long moment. “You know,” She started, choosing to change the subject. “I don’t know how to swim.”

“I’ll teach you.”

Rey smirked. “Of course you will.”

 


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the week's delay. I won't lie - I was a little disappointed with the readership drop-off after I got them together in the chapter before last. Last chapter had the fewest readers and reviews yet. But alas, I suppose I gave you what you wanted, eh? Well, I do plan to continue this with a bit more plot, especially this chapter which focuses on Rey's struggle with assimilating in this life, which will continue for a few more chapters. I have no definite end, in fact in a few chapters there may be a time jump because I see a whole future for this story and I'd love to have all of you right here with me.
> 
> That being said, I will be out of the country the end of the week and I have a busy schedule right up until my departure, so I won't be updating again this week. I look forward to hearing from ALL of you again!

Rey knew that Ben could feel the gnawing sense of dread in her stomach as they walked hand-in-hand down to the water. They had run into Navu Fio, a kindly older woman who lived down the road from them. She spoke glowingly of _Reyus_ – how he had helped her tend to her garden when she’d sprained her ankle, how he had been such a charming young man. It felt like a lie to her. She introduced herself as Bastila Lux, she spun some tale about putting in her resignation with the Resistance, because she wanted to focus on having a life with her husband. She hated that her life had been reduced to a story and a forced sense of a happy ending.

She knew that happy endings weren’t meant for people like them.

“I feel it too.” Ben told her as they sat on the edge of the crystalline pool. “Can’t we just _enjoy_ being at peace for a little while longer?”

Rey shifted closer to him and rested her cheek against his shoulder. “I was trying. But hearing Navu talk about this alter ego of you that she knew. It made me realize that our life here will only ever be a lie. We can’t be who we are. Rey and Ben are dead to the world.”

“I’m dead, you’re lost.” He reminded her, squeezing her hand tightly. “We can’t escape unscathed if we shirk this chance here.”

“Why couldn’t they just pardon you? Why did they have to kill you and throw everything away?” Rey lamented, feeling his mind pushing at the edges of hers, trying to soothe the nerves that lanced through her. “I can’t even go back to the Resistance, I hate them as viscerally as I do the First Order.” She kicked her feet in the cool water, watching the ripples as they rolled across the surface.

“I know.” He kissed the top of her head, squeezing her hand a little tighter. “Mother and I have had many long conversations about the state of the things. She warned me that you… might not be as you were before, but I assured her that all would be well because I’m not who I was either. But, I suppose that was a lie I told myself as well.”

“You were with me in the Crystal Caves, you know that I am not… I _thought_ I was good, Ben. I didn’t expect to wield a crimson blade.” She gave a humorless laugh. “I don’t even know what it means.”

“They’re rare. The Siths often had to synthetically manufacture the color, it was not naturally conceived. I was _so_ proud of you Rey.” He released her hand and curled his arm around her shoulders. “The indigo was most surprising. A fractured blade, split into two halves within itself. The duality of the dark and the light.”

Rey gave him a look. “You’ve thought about it a lot haven’t you?” She glanced back down at the water. She lifted her hand and waved it over the surface, summoning the water to rise upwards towards her outstretched palm, dancing beneath her touch. “I tried not to. I didn’t want to imagine the path that laid ahead of me, the one that I would walk alone.”

“Now you don’t have to be alone. We can walk it side-by-side, hand-in-hand.”

“As two people who don’t even _exist_!” Rey shook her head. “I’m not Bastila Lux. You are _not_ Reyus Lux.” Rey clenched her fist and the water dove downwards beneath the surface. “When is your mother coming?”

“Tomorrow morning. She didn’t want to draw attention to her leave.” Ben pulled his arm away from her, wringing his hands together in his lap. “You know you don’t _have_ to stay.” He said after a long moment of silence.

“But I _want_ to stay. I just hate… not being _us_.” She stared towards somewhere off in the distance. “I want to be Rey and Ben. I wanted to be the people who defied both sides of this _fucking_ war and made it out unscathed. But it’s too late now. We can’t go back.” She pressed her hands against the edge, shifting back to stand up. She gave him a lingering look before she moved to where the staircase that led downwards into the water was.

_What are you doing?_

_I just want to feel._ Rey took another step down into the water, barely aware of the feel of it as it swelled around her hips. She hated this feeling, so akin to the way she’d felt as she drifted at sea, lost and confused. Ben was _right_ there and yet she felt adrift. The joy of having him alive, to be in his arms, to find happiness with him again was as fleeting as the tide that ebbed and flowed. She had spent two hundred odd days convincing herself that solitude was all she would ever know and now it was hard to settle into the domesticity they could have here.

Her parents hadn’t been able to have a happy ending and they were not unlike herself and Ben.

Rey took another step downwards into the water, her arms submerged beneath the waves as they lapped just beneath her breasts. She glanced back over her shoulder, studying Ben’s expression where he sat above her. The connection between them felt weak in comparison to what it had been before. Which was her fault. She’d let it decay with her willful stubbornness to ignore everything that reminded her of him. He had waited _months_ to reach out to her and only in a moment of weakness, when she was seconds away from accepting death had he been able to call out to her – to reach her.

She’d built walls too high, too impenetrable. She’d blocked him out of her life to save herself from pain and now it was a fight to let him back in.

 _These are your first steps Rey_.

She remembered the voice, the one she’d heard on Takodana, when she’d touched Luke’s lightsaber. The words lanced through her, tugging at the seams that were being torn asunder. One more step forward and the world faded away into a welcoming swell of cool water, it wrapped around her limbs as she sank beneath the lapping waves. She felt safe beneath the current, even as her lungs screamed for oxygen and bubbles drifted from her parted lips.

But then there were arms circling her waist, grabbing at her, dragging her through the water. Her back scrapped against the stairs she’d just come down.

“ _Rey_! What the hell were you doing?”

 _Ben_.

Rey coughed, water sputtering out of her lungs, her chest heaving in a pained attempt to catch her breath again. Her eyes burned as and she wasn’t sure if it was water or tears that were streaming down her cheeks.

His hands were steady and reassuring, cradling her face as he pulled her head onto his lap. “Can you breathe? Rey, don’t you fucking _dare_ do this to me.”

She nodded her head, breathing in raggedly, gasping, sobbing breaths as she tried to come back from the depths of herself. For a moment, beneath the water’s caress she had felt _safe_. It was the safety of finality, trying to drag her down into the darkness.

“I’m sorry.” She managed to get out as she rolled onto her side, her legs still partially submerged in the water. He hadn’t gotten her too far up the stairs. Her fingers dug into his legs, gripping at him like she never wanted to let go and she didn’t. She didn’t want to keep falling into herself.

“ _Shh_.” He urged, drawing her up into his arms, cradling her to him. “Just breathe.”

Rey nodded her head, pressing her cheek against his chest, sinking into the warmth of his embrace. The safety he offered was better than death’s welcoming embrace. She understood him now, in ways she previously only _believed_ that she did. The nuances of the dark side were compelling and quick to strike for the kill. Together they could be a force to be reckoned with, if either of them succumbed and left the other alone, who _knew_ what they would become in their absence.

_Is this what it felt like with Snoke?_

_Not quite. My demon was a wrinkly old hologram. Yours might just be yourself._

Rey clenched eyes closed. _Six months ago I was fine. Then I lost you._

 _You have me now. Don’t worry._ Ben brushed his fingers over her cheek, tucking away her wet hair behind her ear. “I don’t think you’ve really let me in Rey. I know you may feel like you have, but you’ve been guarded… with reason, I know.”

“I want to let you in though.” Rey whispered, her voice still rough. “I’m just scared. I was afraid to let you in fully because of the dark side, because of what might happen if the trial turned out exactly like it did.” She pushed herself to sit up, curling her arms around herself. “Turns out I should have been afraid of myself.”

Ben curled his arm around her waist, pulling her into his side. “Letting go is the hardest part.” He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “Just don’t let go into the water again.”

Rey gave a strained laugh. “I don’t plan on doing that again. I don’t know why I did it in the first place… I just felt like it was calling to me. I wanted to get lost again. It was easier to be drifting away, than grounded here. But I’m not going to do it again. I’m letting go this time and I’m going to drift into you.”

“ _Good_.” Ben kissed her forehead. “Let’s get you back to the house and warmed up, I don’t want a repeat of your sickness.” He squeezed her hand. “And we don’t need my mother assuming your pregnant again.”

Rey couldn’t help but laugh, covering her mouth as she coughed a little. “This time I’m getting checked out the first time I feel sick.” She said, tilting her head to look at him. “I know this isn’t the time to bring this up, but we’ve been flying without coverage.”

Ben’s brows shot up. “ _What_?”

“The birth control I got when I was on Jakku has definitely worn off. I probably should have brought that up before.” Rey glanced down at where their hands were joined.

“I don’t care if it happens, one way or the other. I mean obviously I _care_ , but I care far more about you getting into a better frame of mind.” Ben rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand. “I want you back to the Rey that rescued me from Mustafar. The one that was all for bantering with me.”

Rey laughed, “See, but then we had to go and kiss and my bantering skills went out the window.” She tilted her head and smiled at him again. “I’m going to get better, I promise. I just… I need to see your mother and I need to see my friends and I need to figure out what normal is. I think the conversation with our neighbor tipped me over the edge. Don’t get me wrong, I love knowing that you’ve been helping little old ladies in my absence, but… What will happen to those bonds when they find out some day? I know hardly anyone knows what Kylo Ren looked like beneath the mask, but eventually someone _will_ know and they’ll find us and I don’t want to hurt these people who will come to trust us.”

“We don’t have to wander around outside the house then. We don’t have to interact with anyone except ourselves, Threepio, and those from the Resistance that visit with us. It’ll be a quiet life, but at least it’s one we can have. Trust me, I _thought_ I was dying when they injected me with nasty stuff.” He shuddered before rising to his feet. “Come on, let’s get you dried off and warmed up.” He said, before sweeping her into his arms. “I’m sure you don’t want to hear about how the drugs in my system made me feel crazy and very much _dead_.” He kissed her temple. “I’d rather focus on having you back.”

“I do.” Rey told him honestly, curling her arm around his shoulders. “I want to hear about everything you’ve gone through since that last day we were together.” She ran her fingers through the wet hair at the nape of his neck. “You’ve been with me all along, you’ve seen my journeys… I want to hear about _yours_.”

Ben sighed. “They’re not very exciting. The extent of my time here has been meditating, making friends with the neighbors when the droid has driven me insane, and gardening.” He chuckled. “And lots of reading.”

“I want to know how you got from D’Qar to here.” Rey insisted. She wanted to know about those moments that he’d believed to be his last. She wanted to _know_ if he thought about her. Everything was still swimming in her mind, but she was certain if she just knew what had happened in his final moments, if she could picture the scene she’d been absent from, then she could fully put it behind her.

“When we get back home.” He assured her, giving her a wary look. “Why do you want to know?”

“To be at peace with it.” Rey whispered.

They didn’t speak the rest of the way to their house. They dried off and changed their clothes and Rey could feel Ben’s worried gaze on her the whole time. She could feel him pressing against the edges of her mind, uncertain if she _wanted_ him any further into her mind, but she did – she welcomed him. It calmed her the same way that she’d been able to calm him when he was on the edge.

Ben seemed grateful that she let him in without resistance, he flooded her with so many emotions – love, longing, joy, hope, comfort – that it pushed away those fears that taunted her.

They settled onto the sofa in the living area, letting C-3PO bring them tea and biscuits. Rey waited until the droid was gone before she finally broke the silence that had been looming between them, “So no one told you that you weren’t going to die?”

Ben shook his head. “When Poe came to tell me what happened to you, I don’t think he knew. I’ve never asked who knew when and why they kept it from us. I don’t buy the authentic reaction line at all. But, I suppose given your response, they got what they wanted in the extreme.” He rubbed at the back of his neck. “I sincerely thought I was dead. I regretted that I didn’t have one more night with you. That I couldn’t remind you of how loved you were.”

“I knew.” Rey shifted closer and squeezed his other hand. “Tell me about it.”

His brows creased together at her request, but he obliged. “The verdict was read quite soon after we sat down in the courtroom. I expected that my execution would come in a few days, but they quite desperately wanted this over with. The guards came and they tore me away from your friends and they forced me into a small stark room with a two-way mirror for viewing.” He shuddered at the memory. “I expected some fanfare at my execution. I assumed there would be some grand celebration of my death. But they were so somber. But everyone seemed to be gleeful. Some twisted sort of reverent joy. I barely thought about the people watching through the glass. All I could think of was you. I kept trying to reach out but you were so heavily induced by drugs that I couldn’t get past the barriers and I’m sure the Mandalorian chains were no help.” He let out a heavy sigh, leaning his head against her shoulder. “The administrator and the guard came in, I stared at the vial and the needle and was thankful that you weren’t there to see it. All I could think of was you and how much we never got to do.” He squeezed her hand tightly. “I kept telling Poe to make sure you knew you were loved. I needed you to know. I wanted to give you one last bright smile, one last flicker of light in your eyes to know that I loved you.” He choked on the words. “It was terrible Rey. The guard held me steady while the needle pierced my skin. It felt like fire. I could feel the burning liquid in my veins, grabbing at everything that made me, _me_. It tore into me, pulled me apart.” He couldn’t continue aloud. _The last word I said was your name._

Rey all but threw herself at him in a messy attempt at a hug, which barely worked from their seated position on the sofa. But she made it work. He fell backwards and she stretched out atop him, curling her arms around him tightly. “I’m glad it was just a drug to make you seem dead. I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. I would have felt it. I know.”

“Mother couldn’t get to me in time, some of the guards had taken a few kicks at my ribs, my arms. She was horrified, but they thought I was dead. No one knew.” He pushed her hair behind her shoulders. “They took my body away to another room, the covered me in bacta patches and submerged me in carbonite.” He shuddered at the thought. “Coming out of that was the worst experience of my life. I was blind for three days. I thought I would never see again. But I could see your face.” He leaned up to kiss her. “I love you. I don’t say it enough.”

Rey pulled back from the kiss, “I love you too Ben.” She felt that surge of anger in her veins, wondering which guards had taken cheap shots at a _corpse_. She would go back, find them, tear them apart limb-by-limb.

“ _Don’t_.” He whispered, brushing his thumb over her bottom lip. “I survived. That’s all that mattered. You can’t always jump to vengeance. I’m right here.”

Rey nodded slowly, letting out a shaky breath. “I know you are. I’m still learning… _re_ learning.” She smiled lightly at him. “Maybe tomorrow will bring more normalcy with your mother coming.”

“And the Damerons and Finn.”

Her eyes widened. “What? They’re coming too?”

“ _Calm_.” Ben urged her, curling his arms around her. “They want to see you. They’ve missed you almost as much as I’ve missed you.”

“But…” She felt trapped. The taste of freedom she’d experienced after her fury towards them had soured any possible excitement at the prospect of seeing them. “I wish they’d told me you weren’t dead.”

“They did try.” Ben reminded her. “Don’t beat yourself up over this. They understand. I have had countless conversations about what it would be like to have you back. We all knew there was a chance that the _you_ that returned wouldn’t be the same you that left. I know, firsthand, what it’s like.” He brushed his knuckles over her cheek. “It takes time. A day isn’t enough time to fall back into a life that doesn’t feel fit for you anymore. I _know_.”

Rey touched his cheek, her eyes searching his. “Do you still think we have a chance at a happy ending?” She wasn’t sure if she did. She didn’t know how long she could live in this lie, this fictitious happily ever after. She wanted to be themselves and prove to the galaxy that you didn’t have to hide to be happy, even when you had done unspeakable wrong. A galaxy at war had to _give_ something to the casualties of war’s mentality.

“Yes.” Ben answered with a belief that Rey just couldn’t grasp hold of.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think chapter 30 is going to be a fun chapter. With Leia, the Damerons, and Finn coming there's bound to be some hilarity. I do think the wheels will start to turn for the next section of this fic. Please remember that reviews make writers very happy! We love hearing what others think, if we didn't we'd just keep everything on our computers to ourselves!


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